by Beth Goobie
Why did Mom do this to me? I think. Why did she put me here?
Peter walks by the door. He sees I’m awake. He says, “Can I come in, Jason?”
I want to say no. “Yes,” I say. It’s their house.
He sits on the floor. This makes me feel better because now he’s not so big. And because he won’t be able to hit me as fast. Still, I get ready, just in case.
“You slept a long time,” Peter says. “Are you hungry?”
I’m real hungry. “Yes,” I say.
“I’m going to bring you some supper,” Peter says. “After you eat, we’ll talk.”
I don’t want to talk. I think, What will we talk about? I’m not used to all this talking.
Peter brings me supper. There’s a lot. I want to save some to put into my dresser with the ham sandwich. But Peter watches me eat, so I can’t.
My tummy feels very full when I’m done. Peter takes the empty plate from me. Then he sits on the floor again. I sit on the bed. The door is open, so there’s somewhere to run.
Peter says, “Do you know why I held you down on your bed?”
Right away, I don’t like this talking. It makes me feel scared. I think maybe he’s going to do it again. I don’t say anything.
Peter says, “Jason, I’m not going to hurt you.”
“You hurt me already,” I say.
“That’s called a restraint,” says Peter. “In this house, you may not throw things. You may not break things. We’ll restrain you if you try to hurt someone. Or if you try to hurt yourself. Do you know what a restraint is?”
“Yes,” I say. “That’s when they grab you and throw you down. They hold you so tight, your arms hurt.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” says Peter. “But you kicked me. I held you still so you couldn’t hurt me or yourself. Sometimes you get so angry, you can’t think. Then you do things you wouldn’t normally do. I held you until you weren’t angry anymore.”
“I’m still mad,” I say.
“What are you mad about?” asks Peter.
“You,” I say. “I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.”
Peter says, “That’s not up to me. Your mother asked us to take care of you for a while. You need to work out some problems here.”
This makes me scared. I think, Mom wants to get rid of me. How come nobody asks me what I want? But I don’t say it.
“What are you thinking about, Jason?” asks Peter.
I don’t think I’ll tell him. He’s a grown-up and will tell Mom. Then she’ll get mad and not let me come home. “Nothing,” I say.
“This house isn’t like your house,” says Peter. “We have different rules here. You have to follow them like everyone else. I know things feel new and different. You don’t have to be perfect. We’ll give you chances to remember the rules. But you may not hurt yourself or anyone else. And no one here will hurt you.”
I think about Rob and his snake, but I don’t say anything about it. “I want to call my sister,” I say.
“Sure,” says Peter.
I look at the floor. I’m not too sure about asking this. “Can you call for me?” I say real quick. “Last night I called and my mom didn’t let me talk to her.”
Peter looks at me real close. “Why was that, Jason?” he asks.
I can’t stop it. The words burst out of me. “She said it was too late, but Linda was right there,” I say. “I could hear her crying. What if Linda didn’t get supper? Maybe she fell and hurt herself. I want to talk to her and know if she’s all right.”
“Why do you think Linda might not get supper?” asks Peter.
“Sometimes Mom doesn’t give us supper,” I say. “When we’re bad. I’m bad a lot. Linda, not so much.” I stop for a second. I’m thinking about how mad Mom will get if she hears I said that. But there are too many words inside me. They’re busting to get out.
“See—my mom yells,” I tell Peter. “Sometimes, she hits. Not so much with Linda because Linda’s mostly good. Mom’s nicer with her. But with me, well—she gets mad a lot. Once, she hurt my arm. She pushed me down the stairs and I fell on it. My arm got real big and dark. Mom told the doctor it got stuck in a door, but it didn’t.
“When Mom gets mad, I mostly go away—away from the house. I run outside before she can get me. I ride around on my bike or go to the park. Sometimes, I visit my friend Benny. I stay away until it gets dark. Then Mom’s okay again. When I come home, she doesn’t say anything.”
I talk more and more. I can’t stop. I forget I’m talking to Peter. I forget Mom will be mad. I tell about the time she locked me outside at night. Then I had to sleep on the porch without a jacket. I tell about other things, too. The words come out and out. They’ve been inside a long time. They’re like the bubble of mad, bursting free.
But I don’t tell Peter about one thing—my dad and what he did to me. I don’t even want to think about it. That secret is too big to tell—for now.
Finally, I stop talking. Peter tells me he’s glad I told him what I did. Then he calls my mom. After that, I get to talk to Linda.
“What are you doing?” I ask her.
“Watching my Care Bears DVD,” she says. “When are you coming home?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I want to come home now.”
“Yeah,” says Linda. “Come home now. This house is poopy without you.”
She laughs and I laugh, too. Then Mom comes onto the phone. She says Linda has to go to bed.
“Goodnight, Jason,” she says. “You be good, now.”
“Goodnight,” I say.
When I hang up the phone, I feel better. Linda sounded good, and I’m real glad about that. I get into bed and think about this. While I’m thinking about it, Sue comes into my room.
“Here, Jason,” she says. “This teddy bear is for you. It’s yours to keep.”
Then she goes out again. I look at the bear a long time after lights out. It’s soft and brown and very nice, but it’s from here. I don’t want to be here. Here is too different, with too many new things. At home, I know the way everything is. At home is where I’m me. Here, I’m not-me. I don’t know who I am.
I want Linda, and my house, and to be good for Mom. No, not good, I think. Perfect. I want to be perfect for Mom. If I’m perfect, then Mom will let me come home again.
Tomorrow, I think. Tomorrow I’m going to be perfect for Mom.
I fall asleep.
chapter eight
I wake up in the morning. Right away, I see I’m not home again. All I have is the teddy bear, the green bedspread, and the pure white walls. Someone knocks on my door. Then the door opens and a lady sticks in her head. I’ve never seen this lady before.
“Good morning, Jason,” she says. “My name is Rose. It’s time to get up for breakfast.”
I get worried. Who is this Rose? Is she like Peter and Sue? Did she hear about the restraint? Did it make her mad?
I feel real stupid about the restraint. Peter is nice. I wish I didn’t kick him. The other boys must think I’m dumb. I think maybe I won’t get up.
Someone knocks on my door again. Rose says, “Are you up, Jason?”
I say, “Yeah.” I get up real slow. I put on my black pants and blue shirt.
Rose knocks on my door and opens it. “Good!” she says. “You’re up! Now you need to make your bed. And clean up your room. When it’s good and clean, I’ll check it. Then you can have breakfast.”
I think that’s a lot to do before breakfast. I’m real hungry. I put all my junk under the bed. But Rose looks there right away. She makes me put everything into my toy box and dresser.
Then I have to wash my hands. I have to sit on the sofa good and straight before I can eat. The other boys are all sitting there, too.
At breakfast, Joe talks to Rose. Rob and Dave joke with each other. I look at the table and eat. I’m surprised—no one tells me that I’m dumb because of the restraint. They act like it never even happened.
After break
fast, Joe rides a bike to his school. Rob and Dave take a school bus to theirs. Rose walks me to my school. I ask her, “Where are Sue and Peter?”
She says, “They don’t work today.”
I say, “How many staff work at this house?”
She says, “Three—Sue, Peter, and me. Sometimes you’ll meet other staff, but not very often. Sue, Peter, and I are there all the time.”
I think, Not all the time. Now I finally know them a bit, Sue and Peter are gone. I want to go home, where it’s only Linda, Mom, and me.
Rose and I get to my new school. But we don’t go to my class. We go to the principal’s office. Mr. Warner is sitting at his desk. He tells me again how bad it is to fight. Then he goes to the door and calls in a lady. She smiles at me.
“Jason, this is Ann,” says Mr. Warner. “She’s here just for you. She’ll help you do your work and catch up with the rest of the class.”
I don’t like this. The other kids will think I’m weird. They’ll think I can’t do the work on my own. They’ll say I’m dumb, and they’ll be right. I am dumb. That’s why my mom hates me. That’s why she wants to get rid of me.
Ann says, “Hello, Jason.” I don’t say anything.
Ann and I walk to my class. I get real mad inside when she puts her chair beside my desk. The other kids stare. But then Mrs. Pell says I can move to the back of the class. She says it’ll be easier for everyone to see the board. Ann is real big—bigger than most ladies. I don’t think anyone could see around her.
So now I get a desk at the back of the room. I’m real glad about this. Finally, I can see what the other kids are doing.
Ann talks quiet and slow. I like this. When she talks, I think maybe I can get the math right. Maybe I can even get it right on a test. I’ll get the test perfect! Then I’ll show the perfect test to my mom. And maybe then she’ll let me come home.
chapter nine
Ann stands close by and spies on me at recess. I think she’s my recess cop. She’s spying on me so I won’t fight. But she doesn’t need to worry. I just sit against the wall and watch everyone. Bill asks me to play with his friends, but I say no. For now, I’m just watching.
At lunch, Rose comes to the school. She says I have to go to a meeting. She says this is a meeting with Mom and Debbie, my social worker. We drive to Debbie’s office. Linda is in the waiting room. Rose gets out some toys for us to play with. Then she goes into the meeting.
“Play Barrel of Monkeys with me,” Linda says.
I try, but it’s hard for me to think about playing. The office door is closed, but I can hear the grown-ups talking behind it. I can tell Mom is mad—her voice is real loud. I’m not too sure about this. I think maybe they told Mom the things I told Peter. Now Mom is mad and she’ll never let me come home.
Finally, Rose lets Linda and me come into the office. Like I thought, Mom looks real mad. I sit far away from her. Linda sits beside me. I look at the floor. Now I know for sure they told Mom what I said about her.
Debbie is wearing her pure white shirt. She says, “Jason, your mom and I have had a talk.”
I think, Yeah, I know. I heard you shouting. But I don’t say it.
Debbie says more. “Your mom and I have decided something. For now, she’s going to visit you at the group home. Later, we can talk about visits at your house.”
I think, I can’t go home. That’s what she means. I can never go home.
I look at Mom. She says, “You lied about me, Jason. Because you lied, I have to visit you at the group home. That way, the staff will see I don’t hit you.”
I get real scared at this. I look away from Mom. I look away from Rose. I don’t look at Debbie, either. I think, They don’t believe me. They believe Mom. She talks real good to grown-ups.
I want to say, “No.” But I get scared and my voice is gone.
Linda moves closer to me. She takes my hand. Everything gets real quiet.
Debbie says, “Jason, your mom says you’re not telling the truth. I don’t want you to think we don’t believe you. The staff don’t know you very well. We don’t know your mom, either. But we want to keep you safe.”
I’m not too sure what this means. I can feel Mom getting madder.
Rose says, “Do you understand what we’re saying, Jason?”
I don’t say anything.
“Jason, can you look at me?” asks Rose.
I try real hard. But my eyes get stuck to the floor.
Rose says, “Lots of times, two people will say different things about something that happened. You say your mother hurt you. Your mother says she didn’t. We don’t know what happened, but we want to keep you safe. So we want to be with you when you visit your mother.”
Now Mom gets real mad. She says, “I don’t like being called a liar. I can’t come to the group home every other day. I have to go to work. I have to take care of Linda. And I don’t have a car to drive there.”
I think, Mom won’t visit me. I won’t see Linda ever again.
Linda holds my hand tighter.
“We’ll do the driving,” says Rose. “We’ll pick up you and Linda. Then we’ll drive you home again.”
“I don’t like the whole idea,” says Mom. “You’re telling me I can’t be trusted with my own kid. I put Jason in the group home because he has a problem. Now you’re blaming me. Jason is the problem.”
I don’t listen anymore. Rose and Debbie talk to Mom. Linda and I sit real quiet. I look at the floor.
But something works right. At the end of the meeting, Mom says she’ll visit on Saturday. And she’ll bring Linda with her.
I think Rose and Debbie are real smart. I think, How did they get Mom to stop being mad?
Then I think, But maybe Mom will change her mind again. Maybe she won’t come to visit on Saturday.
But maybe she will. You never know.
chapter ten
Rose drives me back to the group home. She says, “How do you feel about the meeting, Jason?”
I say, “I didn’t want you to tell my mom what I said.”
Rose says, “Our job is to keep you safe. You told us your mom hurt you. That means we have to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s against the law for adults to hurt children. It’s wrong.”
“But I want to go home,” I say. “If Mom is mad, she won’t let me.”
Rose doesn’t say anything about this. When we get to the group home, the other boys are there. Sue is working, too. She tells me to change into my play clothes. Then I wash my hands. I sit real quiet on the sofa with the other boys. I think I’m getting used to the rules. Then I get to eat snack. It’s chocolate pudding—yummy!
Joe says, “Can I play the piano?”
I think, Where’s the piano? Then I see it’s in the living room. I guess I’ve been so worried, I didn’t really look at it before. Joe sits down on the piano bench and plays a cool song. It’s called “The Pink Panther.” He plays it again. I watch real close.
Rose says, “Can you play the piano, Jason?”
I say, “No.” I’ve never played a piano. I know I could never do anything like that.
Joe says, “I never knew how before I came here to live. Rose taught me. You can do it if I can. See, it goes like this. Pretty awesome, eh?”
He plays “The Pink Panther” again. I stand beside him and watch. I think I’ve changed my mind about Joe and natives. I think my mom is wrong about them. Joe is cool. He treats me nice. But he plays too fast. I can’t see what he’s doing.
Rose says, “Joe, let Jason sit down on the bench.”
She pulls up a chair. Joe gets off the bench and I sit down. I’m not too sure about this. The piano looks real big. And I’m dumb and stupid. I know this if I know anything. So I know I won’t be able to play the piano. Then Rose won’t like me anymore. Or Joe.
Rose says, “Jason, before we start, I want you to know something. This is the most important thing I’ll ever tell you about the piano.”
I get real nervous. What i
s this most important thing? I’ll get it wrong—I know I will. I always do.
Rose says, “Are you listening?”
I don’t say anything. I want to get up off the piano bench. I want to go to my room. I never want to see a piano again. Or Rose.
Rose says, “Now I’m going to tell you what it is. This is the most important thing for you to know about the piano. I want you to make sure you make lots and LOTS of mistakes.”
It gets real quiet. I stare at the piano. I can’t believe what Rose said. She wants me to make mistakes? I think. I’m real good at mistakes.
I let out a big breath. I look at Rose. She smiles at me. Joe laughs.
“I can do that,” I say.
“Me, too!” says Joe. “I’m real awesome at mistakes.”
“Okay,” says Rose. “Put your hands on the piano, Jason. Push down your fingers. See how it sounds.”
I’m still nervous, but I put my hands on the piano. Then I push down a finger. This makes a loud sound come out of the piano. I pull my hand away and Joe laughs again.
“Now, Joe,” says Rose. “Shh. That was good, Jason. Try it again.”
I look at Joe. He grins at me. I grin back. This is okay, I think. I push down another finger. The piano makes a different sound.
“Good!” says Rose. She moves my hand around the piano. She shows me how to make high sounds and low sounds. She shows me how to play sounds that are close together. Then she shows me how to play sounds that are far apart. She says a sound is called a “note.” A piano has a LOT of notes.
“That was very good, Jason,” says Rose. “I think that’s enough for your first lesson.”
“Yeah,” says Joe. He’s setting the table for supper. “You have awesome fingers. I’m going to call you the Finger Man!”
We laugh about this. Then I go to my room for Quiet Time. Sue brings me some math to do. I open the book but it’s hard to think about math. I’m too busy thinking about notes. There are so many of them. You can play them loud or soft. You can play them fast or slow. And I didn’t do anything wrong! No one yelled at me. I go to my bedroom door and look out at the piano. Finger Man, I think. That’s almost as good as Superman. Someday, I’m going to play “The Pink Panther” like Joe.