by Umm Zakiyyah
She shook her head, a pleasant expression still on her face. “No, everything is pretty straightforward.”
“I’ll be meeting with everyone individually in the next four weeks, insha’Allah,” he said. “So when you’re free, drop by my office to let me know what date and time works best for you.”
Seconds after Jacob walked away, Aliyah’s phone chimed and vibrated, indicating a message. She withdrew the phone from her purse and unlocked the screen.
A grin spread on Aliyah’s face at Jacob’s message, and she quickly typed a reply. Back at you <3
Her heart fluttered in anticipation at the thought of talking to him after work. They had both agreed that their communication should be mostly through the phone until they could live together. The attraction they had for each other was too strong to meet in person on a regular basis. Already Aliyah had told Jacob they could live together after one year instead of three, and every day she wondered if she was underestimating her will power.
***
Naomi is coming to visit this weekend.
Aliyah’s phone vibrated and the message appeared on her screen just as she slipped off her shoes in the foyer of her apartment. Mobile in hand and suspended in front of her, Aliyah’s smile faded as she read her aunt Valerie’s message. Aliyah had been laughing at something Jacob was saying as she closed the door and locked it, the earpiece still snaked to her ear as it had been during her drive home. Aliyah only vaguely processed the sound of pattering feet as Ibrahim rushed ahead of her to the kitchen.
“Aliyah?” Jacob’s voice said.
“Uh… I’m here,” she stuttered, trying to gather her thoughts. One hand was still on the bolt lock as the other held her phone.
“Is everything okay?” Jacob said, concern in his tone.
“Yeah, it’s just…” Anxiety tightening in her chest, Aliyah felt the need to sit down.
“Aliyah?” Jacob’s voice rose in heightening worry. “What happened?”
Seriously? she heard Cassie’s condescending voice in her head.
“It’s my mother…” Aliyah managed to say as she dragged herself to the couch and slowly let it receive her weight.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Aliyah said quickly, her voice rising in an effort to allay his fears. “My aunt just texted me saying she’s coming this weekend.”
“This weekend?” Jacob said, echoing the surprise and confusion Aliyah felt right then.
Aliyah coughed in agreement. “I know.”
“Did your mother ask you to come?”
“I’m not sure…”
There was an extended pause.
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Jacob said, his voice soft in empathy.
“But it’s my mother,” Aliyah said, exhausted obligation in her tone. “I haven’t seen her in over ten years. It would be wrong not to go.”
There was another pause.
“Then I’ll go with you,” Jacob offered.
“No,” Aliyah said quickly. “I mean,” she said, apology in her tone, “I’m not ready for her to know about us. You know… with all that happened.”
Jacob was quiet momentarily. “I understand,” he said sincerely.
“What if I come separately?” he suggested after a thoughtful pause. “As Benjamin’s friend?”
“That could work…” Aliyah said, anxiety easing in her chest at the idea of having some support. Of course, Benjamin would likely be there either way, but too often Aliyah felt that he didn’t understand the depths of the emotional difficulty she was going through with the family. Like Valerie, he seemed to think everything was as simple as Aliyah showing up uninvited at her parents’ house.
“I could bring Larry too,” Jacob said. “That way, it’ll be more difficult for her to associate me with you.”
Aliyah nodded, feeling better about the idea. “Okay, insha’Allah.”
“Did you talk to Ibrahim yet?” Jacob said after a moment’s pause.
At the shift in subject, the sides of Aliyah’s lips turned up in a smile. “I told him yesterday.”
“Really?” Jacob’s voice rose in pleasant surprise. “What did he say?”
“He just had one question,” Aliyah said, laughter in her voice.
“What’s that?”
“So Younus and Thawab will be my brothers?” She spoke in an excited whisper, imitating Ibrahim’s voice.
Jacob laughed out loud.
“Then he said one word,” Aliyah said, smiling.
“Yes!” Jacob said, mimicking Ibrahim.
Aliyah laughed and nodded. “Exactly.”
As if on cue, Ibrahim appeared in the kitchen doorway and looked at his mother, an uncertain expression on his face. “Can I have...” he began, his voice hesitant.
“One cookie,” Aliyah said, regarding him in compassionate sternness.
“Yes!” he said, disappearing into the kitchen and inspiring laughter in his mother.
“That’s the cookie monster, huh?” Jacob said playfully.
“Yes, that’s him.” Aliyah sighed pleasantly.
“What about you?” she said after a moment of silence. “Did you talk to Younus and Thawab?”
“Yes…” Jacob said tentatively.
Aliyah’s heart sank, and her smile faded. “They’re upset, aren’t they?”
“Not upset,” he said diplomatically. “Just…”
“Confused?” Aliyah spoke as if in self-rebuke.
“Aliyah,” Jacob said, coughing laughter, “it’s not you. Stop being so hard on yourself. They’re fine.”
“Fine is a euphemism,” Aliyah said, a tinge of accusation in her tone. “It’s almost always a placeholder for something worse.”
“Well, I don’t mean it euphemistically,” Jacob said. “They really are fine, alhamdulillah.” The sincerity in Jacob’s voice calmed Aliyah somewhat, but she couldn’t help thinking Jacob was trying to spare her feelings.
“And I’m not saying that just to make you feel better,” his voice said through the earpiece. “I really mean it. This isn’t something I’d sugarcoat for you. It’s too serious.”
Aliyah exhaled in relief, having not realized she had tensed up so much. “So what did they say?” she asked, unsure if she really wanted to know.
“Thawab didn’t say much of anything, to be honest,” Jacob said. “So I guess you could say he took it well, at least ostensibly.”
“And Younus?” Aliyah felt herself tensing up again. In her mind’s eye, she saw Younus staring at her, that awkward expression still on his face.
“He asked if we did the nikaah at Brother Benjamin’s barbecue while they were watching a movie.”
Aliyah’s heart dropped, and her face became aflame in mortification as she brought a hand to her mouth in shock. She slowly reclined so that her back was supported by the softness of the couch “SubhaanAllah,” she muttered barely above a whisper.
Jacob forced laughter. “You can say that again,” he said. “Talk about coming out of left field.” He laughed again. “But it’s all good, alhamdulillah.”
“You told him we did?” Aliyah said, finding her voice.
“Yes,” Jacob said matter-of-factly. “At that point, I didn’t see any point in telling him anything different.”
“SubhaanAllah,” Aliyah said again, still registering the news.
“In a way, it made everything else easier,” Jacob offered.
Aliyah contorted her face. “How?” she said challengingly. “Now he probably thinks all those rumors were true.”
“I don’t think so,” Jacob said confidently. “That’s reaching.”
“But think about,” she said. “If he—”
“He doesn’t think the rumors are true, Aliyah,” he said.
Something in the way Jacob spoke gave Aliyah pause. “How can you be so sure?”
“After he asked about the nikaah, I sat him down and told him everything,” Jacob said. “I mean, from the very beginning,”
he added. “When I first saw you at the MSA dinner, how I met Deanna, why I didn’t marry you then, how I asked about marrying you as a second wife, why I never—”
“Isn’t that a bit much?” Aliyah said doubtfully. “He’s only eight years old.”
“Nine,” Jacob corrected.
“But still…”
“Nine going on thirty-five,” Jacob said, slight humor in his tone.
“Jacob, I don’t know about this…” Aliyah said, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. “I don’t think I can ever look him in the eye again.”
“Why not?” Jacob said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But that’s beside the point,” Aliyah said. “Especially if Younus feels we did something wrong.”
“I don’t think he feels that way,” Jacob said honestly.
Aliyah sighed and shook her head. “I hope you’re right...”
There was a thoughtful pause.
“Aliyah…” Jacob said, as if trying to find the best way to explain what was on his mind. “Younus has always been very precocious,” he said, “emotionally and intellectually. But his deep awareness has always been more about facts than ethics. So, really, you don’t have anything to worry about.”
Aliyah creased her forehead. “What do you mean?”
“I’m saying, if there’s something more going on than he’s being told, Younus will have an inkling about it,” Jacob said, “and he won’t rest till he knows everything there is to know. If there are any holes, he’ll mentally fill them in with educated guesses and assumptions, and even then, that’s only after he’s done his own thorough research. But he won’t accept ambiguity, fragmented truth, or dishonesty. His mind rests when he has the facts. But the facts themselves don’t bother him as much as feeling as if he doesn’t have all the facts. If that makes sense,” Jacob said.
Aliyah nodded thoughtfully. “I see what you mean. I guess it’s just hard to believe none of this will bother him.”
“I didn’t say none of it will bother him,” Jacob said. “Younus has feelings, just like any other child. But as a general rule, he accepts that facts can’t be changed. You just learn to live with them,” Jacob explained. “When I say the ethics don’t concern him, I mean it’s not in his nature to insist that something be changed to fit what he feels should be done.”
“But I’d hate to make him feel that his opinion doesn’t matter.”
“That’s my job, Aliyah. I don’t want you stressing over that,” Jacob said. “Besides, I want him to believe his opinion doesn’t matter. In the end, he is still a child, and I’m his father.”
Aliyah wrinkled her nose. “I don’t agree with that mindset though. Children aren’t our property to do with what we want.”
Jacob forced laughter. “I agree. And that’s exactly why they need to understand where their opinions end and their boundaries begin. My marriage affects my children, so I’ll definitely consider them in making that decision. But my marriage is not their marriage, and they need to understand that,” Jacob said. “What kind of father teaches his children that they have the final word in his personal life? In my opinion, that’s not showing empathy and compassion. That’s emotional abuse.”
“Emotional abuse?” Aliyah said, an expression of distaste on her face.
“Yes,” Jacob said, his voice firm. “One aspect of emotional abuse is making a person believe they are responsible for your happiness or misery. Then you hold them accountable for it based on their opinions, choices, and behavior,” he explained. “In the case of having a child decide whom I can marry, I’m not only emotionally abusing them, I’m teaching them that it’s okay to emotionally abuse others.”
Aliyah shook her head in genuine confusion, the wire to the earpiece moving with the head. “I don’t see the connection,” she said, doubt in her voice as she glanced at the phone she held on her lap, as if looking at Jacob himself.
“Or maybe emotional manipulation is a better term,” Jacob offered. “But whatever the proper terminology, either way, that’s an unfair burden to put on a child. Or yourself,” he added.
“But how is it even manipulation?” Aliyah challenged. “If anything, it teaches children you really care what they think.”
Jacob laughed good-naturedly. “No it doesn’t. It teaches them that they have to parent you and themselves. From my perspective, that’s wronging them. I’m a grown man, and I’d hate for my parents to put that burden on me. How much more a child? It sounds nice on paper, but, Aliyah, even you didn’t ask Ibrahim’s permission before you married me. And it would’ve been insane if you did.”
Aliyah didn’t know what to say.
“I guess the best way to see what I’m saying is to imagine your child says no,” Jacob said. “Then when they grow up and understand the seriousness of the situation better, they begin to blame themselves if you’re still single and unhappy. There aren’t enough psychiatrist visits to fix that kind of guilt,” he said. “Because it shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”
“I see what you mean,” Aliyah said thoughtfully. “I guess what I was trying to say is, I just want Younus and Thawab to know that I care about their feelings, and I’m not just trying to throw myself into their lives.”
“That’s something only time and meaningful interaction can teach them,” Jacob said. “It could never be conveyed in words, and definitely not in putting the burden of our personal decisions on them.”
“That’s why I’m uncomfortable with Younus knowing so much,” Aliyah said. “I feel it’s putting our personal burdens on him.”
“Don’t misunderstand me,” Jacob said. “I didn’t reveal anything that would incriminate you, me, or Deanna in his eyes. I didn’t even tell him about his mother’s lies and manipulation to get me to marry her.”
“You didn’t?” Aliyah’s voice rose in pleasant surprise.
“Of course not,” Jacob said. “I just told him that I didn’t marry you because I was told you were engaged to someone else at the time. I didn’t even say it was Deanna who told me.”
“Alhamdulillah,” Aliyah said, exhaling in relief.
“But because of all the online gossip,” Jacob said, sad reflection in his tone, “it’s possible he’ll come across the information on his own.”
“I hope not,” Aliyah said sincerely.
“But the good news is that he’ll likely chalk it up to media sensationalism,” Jacob said. “Younus is well aware that the media mixes truth and lies just to draw an audience.”
“That’s good, mashaAllah.”
There was a thoughtful pause.
“But he is becoming a handful,” Jacob said, laughter in his voice. “I’m considering pulling him out of school.”
“Are you serious?” Aliyah said.
“I’m thinking about it,” Jacob said honestly. “But we can talk more about it later because I want to know what you think.”
“Did something happen?” Aliyah said, concern in her voice.
“No, it’s just that his math and reading skills are on a ninth grade level, so he’s really agitated and frustrated a lot at school.”
“But it’s only the first day.”
“It’s been going on for the last couple of years.”
“Oh…”
“But we’ll talk later insha’Allah,” Jacob said. “If you decide to homeschool Ibrahim full-time, I may ask you to homeschool Younus too. He won’t need much one-on-one attention though, just guided independent study.”
“What about Thawab?”
“For now, the Muslim school seems like the best option for him,” Jacob said. “But we’ll see insha’Allah.”
“Okay.”
***
Friday night, after ringing the doorbell, Aliyah stood outside the door to Salima’s home to attend Muslim Marriage Monologues for the first time since her marriage to Jacob. When the door opened, and Aliyah stepped past the threshold, the noise level rose as the ululations often used by Arabs to express extre
me excitement reverberated throughout the house. An uncertain smile spread on Aliyah’s face as she saw a group of about a dozen women beaming at her, most of them with one hand shading their mouths as their tongues moved in ululation. Salima grinned as she shut the door and locked it, and Aliyah met Salima’s gaze with a puzzled and concerned expression on her face. Aliyah had hoped that the community hadn’t yet heard about the marriage.
“Sorry,” Salima whispered. “I didn’t tell anyone. But word spread fast, and the sisters insisted on doing something for you.”
“It’s okay,” Aliyah whispered back, waving her hand dismissively. “I don’t mind.” Oddly, Aliyah found that this was her true sentiment.
“I canceled the Monologues though,” Salima said, her voice still low. “I didn’t want anyone to come who hadn’t heard about the nikaah yet.”
“Thank you,” Aliyah said honestly.
“Where’s Ibrahim?” Salima said, forehead creased curiously.
“With Younus and Thawab,” Aliyah said.
A knowing smile formed on one side of Salima’s mouth. “You mean with Jacob.”
Aliyah laughed as she followed Salima into the living room as the ululating died down. Immediately, the rhythmic pounding of a drum started, and sisters began to dance. Aliyah did a double take when she saw Reem and Mashael amongst them. Aliyah almost didn’t recognize Reem because her hair was uncovered. When their gazes met, Reem grinned and ululated for a few seconds then moved her hips to the drumming, keeping her smiling eyes on Aliyah, and Mashael followed suit. Aliyah laughed before approaching them, exchanging salaams, and pulling them into a brief embrace.
“You look so good, mashaAllah,” Salima said, appearing at Aliyah’s side.
Aliyah glanced down at herself and frowned good-naturedly. “I’m not even dressed up.”
Salima waved her hand dismissively. “Nobody is,” she said. “But I wasn’t talking about your outfit. I was talking about you.” She grinned. “You’re glowing.
“Really?” Aliyah averted her gaze momentarily. “I don’t feel like I’m glowing.”