Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  The servers wore white shirts and black pants and everyone was cheery. They served bagels and croissants and fancy little breakfast sandwiches. My dad ordered a smoked ham and Gouda sandwich with a fried egg in the middle of it. I shuddered at the though. I ordered a bagel, plain. Then I ordered a coffee…no fancy latte or espresso for me. Just give me coffee, black, plain like my bagel. I suddenly felt numb again and I was in no mood for anything fancy. When the waiter left my dad looked at me once again with those worried eyes and said yet again, “Are you okay honey?”

  I gave him one of my false smiles. It felt strange on my face. “I’m fine, Dad. Please stop worrying about me.” He raised an eyebrow and didn’t look like he was buying it, but it was the best I had at the moment. We ate our breakfast, hardly talking again and then he dropped me back at home while he went to work for a few hours. I prepared myself for another less than ordinary day and began to wonder if taking the semester off had been my best idea. At least if I was in school, I’d have something else to think about.

  Half-way through the day when the quiet was eating through my brain I switched on the speakers my I-Pod was attached to and turned it up loud. Then I went into the kitchen and searched until I found the pasta maker that I had hounded my dad into buying a few years back. I was fairly sure that it hadn’t been used since the last time I was home and made pasta for us. I sat it up on the counter and started collecting the flour and eggs that I needed to make them. I put on an old apron that had hung in the kitchen since I was a kid. I don’t even know who it belonged to or where it came from. I mixed up the flour and eggs and water and I kneaded the dough. Then I dumped in a can of spinach that I’d already drained and I kneaded and mixed some more. I started humming along to the song that was pounding out of the speakers in the living room and I realized that my stress was beginning to dissipate a little bit.

  When the dough was ready, I flattened it out and began feeding it through the little pasta maker machine. It was like playing with Play-Doh. I liked watching it grow longer and thinner as it came out the other side. Once it was out, I’d change the thickness on the rollers and feed it back through. I did it over and over and the repetition was soothing to me. When it was eventually long and papery the way I wanted, I cut it to the size I wanted and put it on the rack to set. When it was set, I put it in the pot to boil and looked around the kitchen. Flour covered nearly every visible surface in the kitchen. I wasn’t a neat cook, but I was a good one. I fished around in the cabinets until I found a few cans of tomato sauce and paste. I mixed them up and added oregano, garlic and basil until it looked and smelled like pasta sauce and then I put that on to boil too.

  By the time Dad got home from work it was ready and I had heated us up some sourdough bread sprinkled with butter and garlic. I topped off the pasta with the sauce and some parmesan cheese and when I sat it down in front of my father he said, “Wow, maybe this is what you should do with your degree.”

  I laughed as I sat down across from him. “I should use my degree in biology to become a chef?” He shrugged, “Why not? You’re an amazing cook.” I could tell by the way he closed his eyes and held it in his mouth to savor it that he really liked it and he wasn’t just trying to make me feel good.

  I took a bite of mine and I had to agree with him…I was amazing. “I’m afraid that I’d weigh three hundred pounds if I cooked like this all the time.”

  He laughed and said, “I’ve gained five just in the two weeks you’ve been here.”

  “That’s good,” I said, “You were too skinny.”

  He told me about his day at work while we ate and then after dinner, he did the dishes. We watched some television again and I turned in early. I lay there for hours, thinking about Emma and remembering what it felt like when Ian touched me. I remembered it in intimate detail and I despised my body for responding to the memories. I finally fell into a sweaty, fitful sleep sometime early in the morning. When I woke up not that many hours later, I lay there again wondering what I was going to do with another long day on my own. I’ve had my fill of Facebook and Twitter. I’ve read every book on my Kindle. The house was clean, the laundry was done…I decided that I could go and see some of my friends that I went to school with. Other than at the funeral, or online, I hadn’t seen or really even talked to any of them since last summer. I reached for my phone with the intentions of texting my friend Laurel to see what she was up to. When I pulled up the messages the first things I saw were the ones from Ian. It was the one’s that he’d sent me yesterday morning and I hadn’t looked at. I wondered what he could possibly think he had to say for himself. I wondered if he had ever even figured out why I left. I wondered about it until I had a headache and then I finally pressed “view.”

  I read the message twice. It was actually like three messages because it was really long. The first time was read with cynicism and leftover anger and the second time I relaxed a little bit and let myself imagine that it was the truth. It said: “Alexa, I’m not sure if you left because you saw the messages from Kristy. Just in case though, she’s my ex-girlfriend. She’s crazy and disillusioned. I haven’t actually been with her in over a year. She won’t stop calling and texting and sometimes she even shows up…but I send her away. I don’t want her and I’m not with her and I’m sorry if you saw those messages and thought otherwise. Can we talk tomorrow maybe? I’ll be at the gym all day and I have a fight tomorrow night, but if you want to meet me at either place, I’d really like for us to talk. I feel like you’re the only one who understands me, Alexa and I had so much fun with you the other night. Please talk to me.”

  I put the phone down and lay there for a while longer thinking about what he said. He could be telling the truth. He could be telling a big fat lie too…but why would he lie? He really didn’t have any reason to lie to me. He’d gotten his piece of ass; he could just walk away now. Something was nagging at the far recesses of my brain. It was something that Emma mentioned one night when we were watching a movie. There was some crazy chick in the movie that was obsessed with this guy and wouldn’t leave him alone. She’d said, “That reminds me of Ian’s last girlfriend. I keep telling him he’s going to come home and find her boiling a bunny.” I don’t recall her saying a name, but it was maybe six or eight months ago. The timing would fit. I finally got out of bed and called Laurel. I arranged to meet her for lunch. I was trying to get Ian who was suddenly back on my mind, off of it again.

  I met Laurel for lunch at a little grille in town. Some people never escaped their childhoods. For whatever reason, they just don’t feel safe in the adult world. Laurel was one of those people. Her clothes still looked like she bought them at the Children’s place. There was a big Hello Kitty on her bright pink t-shirt and glittery Hello Kitty sequins across the pockets of her jeans. I almost cried when I saw her because my first thought was, “I can’t wait to tell Emma.” It would have been one of those things we had a big laugh over. We would never talk about Laurel to anyone else and we would never hurt her feelings, but it was one of those fun things that best friends did with each other. One of the little things that was now a big thing, because we’d never be able to do it again.

  Laurel had her hair in not one, but two pony tails and she still didn’t wear any make-up except for clear lip gloss. I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect the lip gloss tube was adorned with Hello Kitty. She was strange but sweet and I was glad I called her because talking to her at lunch was refreshing. She told me how sorry she was about Emma but then she let it go. Even though she lacked a lot of the complexity of other people, she had a deep seeded sense of compassion. The other great thing was that with Laurel, what you saw was what you got. She didn’t pretend to be anything she wasn’t for anyone. We talked about all of our old friends and Laurel updated me on what had been going on while I’d been gone. She told me about her boyfriend and how wonderful he was and she told me that if I decided to stay in town, she could get me a job at the yogurt shop in the mall. That was another one
of those things that I wanted to tell Emma.

  I left lunch feeling more energetic, just from feeding off of Laurel’s energy. It was so much better than the self-imposed isolation I’d been going through lately. I thought about the way Laurel saw the world on my way home and decided that maybe sometimes when we get stuck in this crazy adult world, we get cynical and assume that everyone has the worst of intentions. At the very least, I owed Ian enough to go hear him out. Besides, I really want to see him again too.

  Chapter Three

  Alexa

  My seat for the fight wasn’t as good as it was the last time. Tonight the little stadium was even fuller than it had been the last time and by the time I got there and bought my ticket, I was relegated almost to the back row. It was nice though that the seats were raised so that I would still be able to see. I was also closer to the door this time, just in case Ian was getting beaten too badly and I couldn’t stand it and had to leave. I was surrounded by a group of half-drunk college guys and they were loud and obnoxious, but at least while I was waiting for the fight to begin, their antics entertained me and took my mind off of what I was going to say to Ian when I saw him. I was also trying not to obsess over whether or not I actually believed the text messages were from an “ex.”

  When they were ready to begin, I watched Ian’s opponent come out and I found myself sizing him up. I worried that his arms looked more muscular than Ian’s and maybe his legs were a little bit longer. I told myself that I was being stupid worrying about him for two reasons: #1. He knew what he was doing and I’d seen him do it. He was good. #2. He wasn’t mine to worry about. After his opponent, Hugo Montalba came out and made it into the octagon; I finally got to feast my eyes on the eye candy that was Ian. As soon as I caught sight of his smooth, oiled chest I remembered what it felt like underneath my fingers and better yet, against my naked chest. I shuddered, and then I chastised myself again and then I finally turned my attention back to the cage up front. The referee had the two fighters in the center of the octagon doing whatever it was that referees do. When they finished all that, the buzzer sounded and “Hugo” was on him. I don’t know a lot about fighting but I heard the college guys saying that he was trying to get Ian down onto the ground. Apparently, if drunken college guys are to be believed, Ian’s boxing is much better than his “ground game,” mostly due to the fact that he was as fast as lightning on his feet.

  I watched as Hugo and Ian danced around for a while with Hugo’s beefy hands wrapped over the tops of Ian’s biceps. I could see him swinging his right leg out in a sweeping motion, I assume to knock Ian off of his feet. Ian’s feet never stopped moving though, so they were hard to catch. Ian finally pulled back, breaking the other man’s grip and sending him propelling into the side of the octagon. His move back-fired I think, because Hugo came back with his body crouched and drove his shoulder into Ian’s stomach. Ian was gasping for breath and had to reach out for Hugo’s shoulders to steady himself. When he did, Hugo stood up quickly and knocked him back. I sucked in a hard breath as I watched him fall back and hit the mat. Hugo dove for him, but even off his feet Ian was quick. He rolled away and was up on his knees in one swift motion. Hugo came around behind him and tried to get him in a chokehold before Ian jumped to his feet. He twisted away from his opponent and then Ian immediately came back with a round kick and caught him hard in the side. He doubled over and that was when Ian threw his first punch. He caught the guy underneath the chin and he flew backwards. He landed on his back the way Ian had done only seconds before. He wasn’t as fast as Ian though, and it was almost his undoing…but then the buzzer rang and saved him from a pin.

  My eyes were glued to Ian as his chest rose and fell quickly and sweat rolled down the sides of his face and dripped off his chest. He took the water bottle his trainer handed him and squirted some in his mouth and then some over his head. I felt like a complete perv as I watched the water roll down across his shoulders and then slowly trace its way down the muscles of his arms and chest. I was mesmerized by it and all I could think about doing was touching him.

  The buzzer brought me out of my fantasy and Ian surged forward like a shot. He started to throw a roundhouse kick, but Hugo blocked it and went for Ian’s stomach again. He was ready for him this time and he moved out of the way, avoiding most of it. He came back with a jab to Hugo’s ribs, knocking the wind out of him. He used that to his advantage and started throwing punches and jabs at his opponents face and body. Hugo took a few good hits, but stayed on his feet. He rushed in and tried to grab Ian, but once again Ian was too fast. He turned to the side and Hugo missed him, and then he came back with a kick that caught Ian in the ribs. The shock of the direct hit caused Ian to turn away and the second he did, Hugo pounced on his back and took him down. Ian was on his stomach with Hugo’s arm around his neck when the second buzzer rang. I let out the breath I’d been holding the whole time.

  When the third bell rang Ian came out like a wild animal. He was throwing punches and connecting with Hugo’s sides until the other man staggered back and Ian gave him a hit…a chop maybe to the neck and caused him to stumble back. Hugo tried to manage a kick but he was already so off balance that when Ian blocked it, it caused him to lose his tentative hold and he tumbled back, hitting the floor with a loud thump. Ian was on him at once, pinning him with an arm to his throat and his knees driven into his sides. Hugo put up a good struggle and I thought Ian was going to give up his hold at one point. He didn’t though and after a bit, the fight was gone from the man underneath him and I watched as his right hand began to pound the floor. Ian looked up at the ref and then let go and stood up. The other man rolled onto his side, gasping for breath as Ian was announced as the winner. I was jumping up and down right along with the college guys, cheering for him before I even realized it. The adrenaline that was coursing through me was in charge all of a sudden and I loved the feeling.

  Chapter Four

  Ian

  I let myself enjoy the sounds of the crowd while my arm was raised and I was held up as the winner. I loved that sound…a low roar with the sound of my name right at the edges of it. It was like adrenaline for my soul. Hugo was still rolling around on the floor and his trainer was kneeling next to him. I knew he would be okay. He just needed to get his wind back. I let my trainer lead me out of the octagon and as soon as I got out amongst the crowd, I started looking for Alexa.

  I know it was stupid for me to still be holding out hope. She never text me back and she didn’t call…she didn’t come by the gym…what the hell would make me think she would show up here? I still looked though and just before we reached the back of the room I spotted her. I saw the top of her head…that pretty, shiny red hair. She was in the middle of the second to the last aisle, surrounded by a bunch of guys that looked like a college basketball team. She was cheering and laughing with them, but when she saw me she stopped. She lost her smile and made eye contact with me. Her green eyes locked onto mine and then she slowly lifted her hand and waved. I smiled and waved back. I wanted to tell her to wait for me, but there was no way to get to her. There were too many people in between us. I started to yell it out but decided that was too weird. So I followed my trainer back to the showers and the whole time I held my breath, hoping that she would wait for me.

  I finished my shower and got dressed. On my way out of the shower room I heard my name. I turned towards it and saw one of my friends, a guy named Brock that I went to high school with. He was with another guy I’d met a few times, Colton and two other guys I didn’t know.

  “Hey man!” Brock said, giving me a high five. “Sweet fight. You kicked that guy’s ass!”

  I smiled, “Yeah, I did,” I said. I was glad to see Brock. I liked hanging out with him. He was a lot of fun…but I could hardly stand still. I needed to get out front and see if Alexa waited for me.

  “We’re heading out to Cooler’s to grab a drink. Why don’t you come with?” Cooler’s was a bar that we’d been hanging out in since high school.
The guy who owned it didn’t give a shit if you were old enough to drink or not, as long as your money was good.

  “You know what…I might have something else I need to do. Maybe I can catch up with you later?”

  “Yeah man, alright. We’ll be there for a while. Colton owes me a game of pool. Come on out.”

  “Okay, yeah I will try,” I said.

  Brock stepped closer then, leaving Colton and the other guys standing a few feet away and he said, “Hey man, I haven’t had a chance to tell you how sorry I am about your sister.”

  There it was, that steel toe to the chest feeling again. I know people mean well, but I was over their condolences. “Thanks,” I told him. “I have to get going, but hopefully I’ll catch you later.”

  “Alright man.” Brock and the other guys went out the back and I headed out to the front. When I got out there, the first thing I saw was that it looked empty. I wanted to put my fist through the wall. I turned back towards the back and kicked a chair out of my way. It flew across and hit the back wall.

  “Jeez! You didn’t get enough of that aggression out in the fight?” It was Alexa’s voice. I spun around and saw her.

  “Hi. Where did you come from?”

  “I was over there, checking out the octagon. Are you mad about something?” she said, pointing at the chair. I grinned at her and said, “Not anymore.”

  Chapter Five

  Ian