Many experts say self-esteem is the motivating force of all that is good (and evil) in mankind, and no price is too great to sustain it at a positive level. It appeared to Hank, that there is little doubt they (the experts) are correct.
He was convinced that self-esteem determines how we respond to discipline and how disciplined we ourselves are: it determines how virtuous we are and how we respond to value and emotion: it is responsible for our behavior and it determines how quickly we mature. And as important as any other thing, it determines how we use our intellect to identify who we are.
DiJana, Frank’s new friend, talked about virtue; it is an item that requires discipline, but discipline has to be self-directed because that is the only kind that keeps a person safe even when outside control has its greatest influence. It seemed to him that the goal of discipline is maintenance of values, and the reason is simply that the natural order of things nudges a person toward rules that are embraced emotionally. Those are the one’s that work best toward self-regulation and high self-esteem.
Many experts have concluded that there is one primary tool necessary to beat all the odds of all the races to a consistent lifelong love and happiness. That tool is an Anchored Positive Self-esteem (APS). APS is the glue that stabilizes one’s self-esteem and the package of positives in which it is the supreme ruler. However, acquiring APS is often quite a difficult task because self-esteem depends on the changeable fickleness of people and conditional situations, as well as one’s environment.
Hank was convinced and many people agree: if that is true we need to grab hold of something that does not change. The easiest and most effective method of doing that would appear to be for a person to embrace a religion, because religions are based on, and foster belief in the supernatural, or spiritual, control of existence.
Hank wondered if Bonnie was anchored in a religion, and if so which one. He knew her foster mother, his aunt Anita, was part of the Unity religion and she seemed quite well entrenched in their concepts and beliefs.
That was the essence of his thinking as he spearheaded his ride from Detroit, to Cincinnati, Ohio. In his mind, that four-hour trip was dynamite, because it helped him identify a minor yet potentially critical alternating problem associated with his self-esteem. He wanted nothing, absolutely nothing, to interfere with the renewal and rebirth of the love of his life.
As soon as he arrived home he picked up the phone and called Bonnie. The message on her answering machine was brief, to the point, and very polite, but no Bonnie. He left a brief message and hung up.
He called his office and told them he was back in town, but that he would not be in until the following day. Then he checked his answering machine and found six messages, three were of no importance.
One of the other three calls was from Frank from the airport before he left for Hawaii. He said it was marvelous to see him (Hank) and that he had a great weekend. Of course, he added, “it could have been better, but what the heck”.
The second of the other three calls was from DiJana at her apartment in Chicago. She wanted Hank to call her so they could talk about Frank.
The last of the other three calls was from… you guessed it… Bonnie. She said she had arrived home safely, and she commented on the superb weekend they had shared. She added that there was no way she could clear her calendar for the next two weeks at the very least, but that she would like to plan something for the two of them sometime after that.
Hank was ecstatic; he was also hungry. He decided to go out and enjoy a relaxing meal, and think about a plan Bonnie and he might engineer together. After the meal, he was fidgety and he thought a movie might calm him down, so he went to see the new “Project-Me-In” movie that everyone was raving about, they call it the PMI. After viewing it, he said he had to admit it was a genuine and unusual treat.
On the way home after the movie, as he approached the door to his apartment, he heard the phone ringing. He didn’t know if it was the first ring or the fourth, but as he walked through the doorway, he looked over at the clock and it said 8:37pm. He picked up the phone and the voice on the other end said simply, “Hi.” For some reason he reacted as if the phone had shocked him and he dropped it to the floor. It was Bonnie.
He quickly picked up the phone and said, “I dropped the phone. I just walked in the door and even though I’ve been thinking of nothing but you for the past seventy-two hours your voice startled me. I guess that doesn’t make much sense does it?”
She said, “My dearest Hank, I love you!”
He just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, he said, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say I love you now because it might seem like I am just responding because you said it first. I will say this: whatever love is, whatever love has, whatever love tastes like, feels like, looks like, smells like, or sounds like, it has your name on it. I love you with an unbridled passion that goes beyond the physical realm of reality, because it encompasses all of me in love with all of you.”
It seemed as though a few minutes had passed and he didn’t hear anything on the other end of the line, so he said, “Bonnie, are you there?”
“I’m sorry Hank,” Bonnie said dreamily, “I was just basking in the sunlight of your words. Somehow you seem to have the knack of saying things and doing things that just seem to make me feel like a whole person. I have never felt the same with anyone else ever, somehow it seems as though we were made expressly for each other. Have you ever felt that way?”
“I felt that way nearly forty years ago,” he admitted, “but I didn’t know how special and, in my case, how unique it was. I feel that way now, and had I known then what I know now, I would have given up anything and everything to be with you for the rest of my life… beginning then. I guess the next best thing is to begin now.”
“Are you free to do that, my dearest?” Bonnie sounded somewhat strained, she added, “You mentioned you had been separated from your wife for a year, are you just separated or are you divorced?”
He had forgotten all about that possible legal problem, but he didn’t think it would present a problem, so he said, “You’re right. As usual, you listen well. It’ll be a year in June that we have been legally separated. That length of time should simplify and shorten the divorce proceedings.”
He added, “How about those charities you are running, can you separate yourself from them, and maybe hand them over to someone else so we can spend the rest of our lives together?”
“I don’t see that as a major obstacle,” she said; then she added, “If I work at it without a break for the next four to six weeks I can probably sever my ties with the charities and the community, and be free to do whatever. On the other hand, I expect to be seeing you every weekend after the next one… isn’t that true?”
“If you had asked me that question before my trip from Detroit today,” he said, with much confidence and satisfaction, “I probably would have been ambivalent; I might have said something like, ‘I don’t know if I can stay away from you that long.’ But I know that faith makes patience and discipline much easier. So what I say now is, ‘You’d better believe it’s true that we’ll be seeing each other every weekend after the next one.’”
Bonnie said, “What does faith have to do with it?”
“That’s just one of the things I thought about during my four-hour trip from Detroit,” He replied, “I’ll explain it later. Say, did you get your luggage?”
“Oh, yes. Thank you,” she said, she sounded as though she giggled at whatever-it-was. She added, “My staff had them picked up and put away before the noon hour.
He said, “Did I hear a giggle in your voice?”
“I guess I can’t hide it, huh?” She admitted, “Yes, you did. I was just thinking how grand it felt to just do what I felt like doing and to hell with pretenses. I wanted you and I let you know it in no uncertain terms. But the coup de grace was your response.”
He said, “What do you mean?” Actually, he thought he k
new exactly what she meant, but he didn’t want to go off half-cocked, plus he wanted to hear her say it.
She didn’t let him down, she said, “Your finishing stroke was masterful: you were tender, you were caring, you were sweet, you were powerful, you were passionate and you were on time every time. You were all a woman could want in a physical encounter with a man. And every time I see that luggage, I think I’ll probably giggle to myself and just savor the thought of the night the luggage was forgotten.
“That’s what I meant. I hope I’m not embarrassing you…. Am I?”
Hank was grinning all over himself as he said, “Not at all; in fact, your words are causing me to feel even more masculine than I already am, not to mention more youthful and more alive than I’ve felt in quite some time.
“But listen, you keep that up and you’ll have me attacking some innocent young maiden, so let’s change the subject and give my libido a rest. Ok… Just kidding. Incidentally, as soon as I arrived and checked my messages on my answering machine I had two messages in addition to yours.
He paused briefly, then said, “Guess who?”
She said, “George Washington and Abe Lincoln?”
He said, “Smarty! Now go ahead and guess.”
“Alright, so Frank and DiJana called you, so what?” she seemed somewhat amused.
With incredulity in his voice he said, “How did you know that?”
“Who else could it be that you would mention to me?” Bonnie was obviously playing with him, she added, “Who? Who? Who?”
“Alright, so you’re right. Frank said he just wanted to say how great it was to see me and meet you, and how great a weekend he had with us. He added that he would call me again when he got home.
“DiJana said she wanted to say how much she enjoyed meeting you and me, and that she had a great weekend with us. She added that she would appreciate it if she could call some evening and talk with me about Frank.
“I haven’t talked with either of them and, in fact, I think I’ll wait for them to call me again before I talk with either one of them. What do you think of that idea and what do you think of them?”
Bonnie said, “I find no fault with the idea for the simple reason that I think they will both be calling you pronto, and for the same reason: they both have the ‘hots’ for each other. She’s afraid she’ll be just another one-of-many to Frank. He’s afraid that he might have to commit to one woman, and I think that scares the devil out of him. On the other hand, I get the impression that they are both truly highly attracted to the whole person, that is, it’s not just purely a physical attraction.”
“Ok, so that’s what you think of my idea and that’s what you think of the situation,” Hank was insistent in wanting her to fully answer his question, he continued, “but what do you think of them?”
Bonnie asked, “Is it that important to you that I express my opinion of them?”
Hank answered, “Yes!”
Bonnie was still playing with him as she said, “Why?”
“Aw, come on Bonnie, cut it out!!” It was important to Hank. He really wanted to know her thinking about them.
“Alright dear heart, I like them both. Frank is talented and very knowledgeable, plus he is a lot of fun to be with. On the positive side I think he is open, honest and charismatic, and he is a hunk of a man. On the other hand, it is obvious that sex is a weakness that he has a difficult time controlling; the fact is that weakness could very well be the cause of his… I guess you might call it, his destruction.
“As for DiJana, it is obvious that she needs a man, and she wants Frank with a passion. She is such a gorgeous woman it would seem amazing that she does not already have a man in tow. Apparently, men gaze upon her beauty and it scares them away. I think she is clean, wholesome, and a great catch for any man except one who harbors jealous tendencies; for that kind of man she would be anathema. As for me, I like her. Now, are you satisfied Mister nag, nag, nag?”
“I was just curious, because I like DiJana too, and Frank and I are closer than any other person I know, present company excluded. When we both lived in Cleveland we were inseparable. But enough of that: what I want to know is, what are your plans for the following weekend, next to the last weekend of the month”
“Oh, I’ll be out of the country on business.” Bonnie was still playing with him.
“What?!” Hank almost panicked.
“I’ll be with you silly man. What plans did you have in mind, and where would you like me to be?”
“You are full of games tonight aren’t you,” Hank grinned and said, “How about here in Cincinnati?”
“Cincinnati it is. I’ll have to be arriving real late Friday evening or early Saturday morning. Which would you prefer?”
Hank hopped on that one right away, he said, “Thursday!”
“Ok. Friday it is,” as usual, Bonnie was on top of the situation, she added, “meanwhile, I am going to be one busy female. I probably won’t be able to talk with you until I see you then.
“I’ll drop you a note,” she concluded, “to let you know my flight and time of arrival and all that. You’ve got a bit to do as well, haven’t you?”
“You’re absolutely right,” Hank agreed and added, “so let’s sign off for now. I’ll talk to you when I talk to you. And Bonnie….”
She said, “I know. Me too. Until Friday. Meanwhile, I am yours truly.”
PART TWO
Destiny
Chapter One
A Revolting Development
Tuesday, Hank called his attorney regarding divorce proceedings. He said Hank should have no problem, especially if the separation had been successful and amicable. He said the only thing needed was to sign a few more papers and he would contact Hank’s wife to get the ball rolling. He said his secretary would have the papers ready anytime after two p.m. and Hank could go in and set the machinery in motion. Hank left the office at four and took care of the papers.
Wednesday evening DiJana called and said she had talked with Frank and he proposed that he pay for her trip to Honolulu if she would pay for the return trip. She said she declined the invitation. She said they talked for about three hours and finally agreed that if he would come to Chicago, and things worked out Ok, then within the following two months after his visit, she might visit Hawaii -- all at his expense.
She asked all kinds of questions about him, about Hank, about Hank and Frank’s relationship, about his family, and all manner of other things that she apparently thought would help her get to know him better.
Thursday evening, Frank called and said he was planning to visit DiJana in Chicago last weekend of March. He wanted to know if Bonnie and Hank could meet him and DiJana for dinner and a show, or a basketball game. Hank knew Bonnie would not be in opposition so he agreed.
They talked for about two hours via telephone. He said DiJana had him in a tither; and that he couldn’t do anything without thinking of her. The thing that hurt the most, he said, is that he couldn’t get into a rhythm with his other female companions like he had been accustomed to doing. Obviously, she really did have him in a tither.
Friday evening DiJana called and said Frank had proposed that the four of them get together in Chicago for dinner and a show or a basketball game. She said she was looking forward to seeing him and Bonnie again, and she asked a few more questions about Frank.
By the following Friday morning Hank had completely redone the bathroom, his bedroom (he had purchased silk sheets), and the kitchen. He didn’t spiffy up the guest bedroom, but he did treat it as though he would be entertaining an overnight guest.
At three p.m. Friday, the phone rang in his office. It was Bonnie. His heart went thump, thump, thump. She said something had come up and she could not get away for their planned weekend meeting. She said she had some people in her office and she could not talk, but that she would call him at home later in the evening. Heat rushed to his head and he gripped the phone as he said simply, “I’ll listen for your call.”
He knew he would be no good around the office for the rest of the day, plus he had planned to leave a little bit early anyway, so he bid the office staff a hearty weekend and headed for home.
What a disappointment. He was hoping she meant that she would not be able to make it on Friday, but that she would still see him the remainder of the weekend. He didn’t know what he was going to do for the weekend without her; he had such wonderful images of them totally embroiled with each other a full two days and, he had hoped, at least two nights.
As soon as he arrived home he disrobed and donned his favorite lounging attire. He selected a book off the shelf and began reading. It was some time later that he realized he had fumbled through quite a number of pages; yet he had no idea of one word printed on those pages. He just couldn’t concentrate.
He knew he had to get out of the apartment. The thing that generally calmed him down when under duress was a trip to the club and maybe pound the racquetball around a bit, and lay around in the sauna or whirlpool -- he knew he had to do something to take his mind off the anticipated phone call from Bonnie.
Fortunately, he was able to pick up a collection of racquetball games, and grind away the hours on the racquetball courts. Later, a number of his racquetball buddies and he sat around and chewed the fat for a few hours in the lounge -- in the past, that had always been good for him and that night was no exception.
He arrived home around 10:15pm, and immediately checked his messages: sure enough Bonnie had called. He immediately dialed her number. She answered after the second ring, “Hank, is that you?”
He said, “It’s me. You didn’t sound ill on the phone, but obviously there is something wrong. What is it?”
“I’ve got very serious legal problems and I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you in the near future because of them?” Bonnie sounded as though she was exhausted.
End of the Rainbow : There Lies the Portrait of My Love Page 10