Her eyes wide, she whispered, “Edward, I don’t know what to say.”
He felt so twisted inside, he couldn’t resist teasing her. “You always know what to say.”
Her lips curved up slightly before pressing together in consternation. “Thirty minutes ago, I might have agreed with you about having a future. Now? I’m not so sure.”
Feeling lower than an ant at a picnic, he wondered if the Lord had encouraged him to speak so he could put all hope of a future with Viola out of his mind. Now what he really needed to do was slink away and hope that he didn’t see her alone anytime soon. “Viola, I’m sorry for speaking my mind like I did. I can see that you’re uncomfortable. I hope I haven’t embarrassed you too much.”
She shook her head. “I’m not embarrassed. I have to admit, that I, too, have felt some of the very same things that you have. I’d really hoped you’d be here long enough for us to figure them out.”
“I didn’t go looking for this opportunity. And I don’t even know if I’m going to take it.”
“But you might.”
“Yes. I might.”
She pulled her drink toward her and took another sip. And then another one. “May I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Ask all the questions you want. I really need your help to figure out what to do.”
“Well, are any of the missionaries, um, married?”
“Some.”
“And do their wives and husbands go there, too?”
“Some. Others stay behind.”
“Truly?”
Now that they’d come so far, he ached to pepper her with questions. Was she hinting that she would want to go with him? Or was she using this as another excuse to show that they weren’t meant to be together?
“Some wives don’t feel comfortable living out of the country, or they don’t feel comfortable raising their kinner on foreign soil,” he admitted. “So they stay behind.”
“Ah.”
He didn’t know what that meant. He was in over his head. He’d started the conversation with selfish motives. He’d needed someone to listen to him, to help him weigh his options. But suddenly, they were not only discussing whether or not he would go, but their future.
Standing up, he said, “I’m sorry. This wasn’t what I intended to happen.”
She stood up as well, a small smile on her lips. “What did you intend?”
“I don’t know. I went to Daybreak to see my father. Now I’ve told you far too much.” He backed away. “I need to go.” He pulled his coat on. “I’ll walk you back home.”
“Nee, I’m going to go see my aunt Lorene. She lives in town.”
“I’ll walk you there, then.”
“I don’t need you to do that.” Resting her fingers lightly on his arm, she said, “Perhaps we could continue this discussion sometime soon.”
“Um,” he said, before he turned away. Then practically raced down the sidewalk in the opposite direction.
And realized only after a few minutes that he had no idea where he was walking to. After a moment’s pause, he continued.
It seemed fitting that his feet were in the same mind-set as his head.
chapter twenty
Viola discovered if she concentrated only on trying not to fall while walking on the slick sidewalk that she could neatly push aside the whirlwind that was taking place in her head.
Five minutes went by. Ten. She stopped at an intersection, then hurriedly crossed when the signal told her she could. She kept her head lowered in order to keep her eyes from getting the worst of the wind.
But, of course, no matter how much she tried to avoid it, her brain buzzed with snippets of her conversation with Edward. She felt a sense of loss and hope all at the same time. For most of her life, she’d wondered why no other men in her community had ever created a pattering in her heart like Ed seemed to. For years, she’d wondered if something was wrong with her insides, that perhaps love and marriage and children weren’t in her future. That God had intended for her to always look out for Elsie.
But now it seemed as if God had intended for her to experience love and romance and giddiness, too. It just happened to be with a man whom she shouldn’t have looked twice at. Edward Swartz was altogether wrong for her.
But what was she going to do when he was gone? She had no idea. Already it felt as if her heart was breaking, and she hadn’t even decided if she wanted to see him again.
But he liked her. And moreover, it seemed as if he wanted to spend his life with her. He definitely had talked courting and marriage.
It was all so overwhelming. But at the same time, she felt as if she’d been gifted with the most wonderful of surprises. And she wanted to hold that feeling close to her chest and keep it to herself.
What was she going to do? She could only imagine how her parents would react if she wandered in their house and announced that she planned to marry Edward Swartz and become a missionary’s wife in Belize.
Her parents would probably team up with her grandparents and lock her in her room. She didn’t know if she would blame them, either. Why, she had no idea where Belize was! It had been all she could do to keep a straight face when Ed had mentioned that it was near Guatemala and Honduras. Those countries sounded just as strange and unfamiliar.
She needed a geography lesson, not a marriage proposal!
Stewing on it all, Viola couldn’t think of another person in the world who would understand what she was struggling with better than her aunt Lorene. She hoped she would be home.
When she arrived at Lorene’s house, she took care to only step on the salted areas so she wouldn’t slip.
Lorene opened the door before she could knock. “I’m so glad to see you,” she said. Pulling her inside, she gasped. “Your hands are like ice. And your cheeks are bright red! Have you been walking outside for hours? Come into the kitchen and I’ll give you some tea.” She paused. “Or wouldja rather have coffee?”
Coffee could now only remind her of sitting with Edward. “Tea would be gut.”
“Tea it is.” Lorene hummed softly as she filled her kettle with water and set it to boil.
Viola watched her with interest. Her favorite aunt’s cheeks glowed and she seemed to be almost bursting with good spirits. “You seem happy.”
“Oh, I am. Take off your cloak and sit down.”
She did as her aunt asked, but kept her eyes on Lorene. No, she hadn’t been mistaken. Lorene wore a smile as big as Texas. “Is there a particular reason you’re so happy?”
Lorene glanced at her over her shoulder. “You mean why can’t I stop smiling even though our family is practically falling apart at the seams?”
“Pretty much.”
Lorene’s expression softened. “Are you doing all right? Elsie called me and told me about Peter. I’m sure it was difficult to learn about your father’s drinking.”
She nodded. “Did you suspect?”
“Nee. And though I am worried about him, I am not that surprised,” she added after a moment’s hesitation.
“Why not?”
“Peter has always been the type of man to try to keep a calm outer shell. But sometimes that isn’t the best way to solve one’s problems. All covering up your feelings does is give way to the temptation to pretend that they don’t exist.” With a wry expression, she added, “Believe me, I know this to be true. I’ve tried to hide underneath a happy shell.”
“Mamm said that she talked with him.” Viola ached to say more, about how angry her father had been with her. And how upset she and Elsie had been. And how it had even felt as if their mother wasn’t on their side. But revealing those things felt vaguely like a betrayal.
And she now had even more things to think about. Things, she suddenly realized, that had to do with planning her future, not her family’s. “Lorene, tell me your good news.”
“Oh, I will. Just give me a moment to finish brewing us tea. I made cookies, too. Sour-cream cutouts.”
“They so
und delicious.” And they did sound wunderbaar. If she’d thought she could eat. Which she didn’t.
“Oh, they are,” Lorene said with a smile. “I sampled a few just to make sure.”
In no time at all, a pretty china teapot was on the table, along with two white teacups decorated with soft pink flowers. There was a matching plate filled with heart-shaped cookies, as well. Heart shaped!
But what drew her attention the most was her aunt. Lorene was sitting across from her, her cheeks flushed and her eyes bright. She looked younger and happier than Viola could ever remember her being.
“Lorene, I canna take it anymore. What happened?”
“I’ve fallen in love, all over again.”
“With John Miller?”
“Of course.” She picked up her teacup, then abruptly set it right back down, as if even thinking about sipping a hot brew was too distracting. “Last night, I went to John’s house and he cooked me dinner.”
“That sounds romantic.”
“It was. He made me soup and we promised that we’d do things differently now.” Lorene sighed, looking out into the distance, like she was in her own world. “Oh, Viola, I can’t tell you how happy I am. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world to know that the man you love loves you back.”
“He told you that he loved you?”
“But of course.” She looked at her strangely. “Viola, I’m not playing here. This thing we’re feeling? It’s serious. John and I aim to marry soon.”
“Soon?”
“As soon as possible.”
“What about Mommi? I thought she didn’t approve of him.”
“That hardly matters anymore.”
“Because she kept her own secrets?”
“Partly.” Shrugging, she added, “I think it’s also because I grew up. Finally. I stopped worrying about what my parents wanted me to be and started concentrating on what I wanted, and what I thought God was wanting for me.”
This was just what Viola needed to hear. Leaning forward, she said, “Don’t you think it’s hard to know what He wants?”
“I used to think so,” Lorene said after a moment’s pause. “I used to think that hearing his word was going to be like hearing a voice over my shoulder. Of feeling a nudge from behind. But now I’m realizing that I simply had to be open to His will. I realized that He put John and me together again. That this was our time. Thank goodness for you and Edward Swartz!”
Hearing her name linked with Ed made her feel a little awkward, as if Lorene had suddenly read her mind. “Ed and I didn’t do anything.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have gone to Daybreak if you weren’t working there. And John wouldn’t have been there if Atle wasn’t living there. And of course, Atle wouldn’t have been living there if Ed hadn’t decided to listen to the Lord and go on a mission trip. Of course God put all that in motion.” She chuckled softly. “Viola, I got nowhere on my own for ten years!”
Viola supposed her aunt had a point. But Lorene sounded so sure. So convinced!
Was God really in charge? Did everything happen for a reason? Had the Lord been moving all of them in one another’s path in order to do his will?
It just felt too simple. Surely falling in love was supposed to be harder?
“When are you going to tell the family about you and John?”
“One night this week. John has quite a bit of work to do . . . and I wanted things to quiet down with Peter and my mamm a bit before I sprung this on them.”
“I hope no one will tell you that you can’t marry him now.”
“No one will, Viola. Because I won’t accept that pronouncement. This time, I’m determined to live my own life, and I care only about pleasing the Lord, not the dozen people in our family.”
“But it’s not always that easy.”
“I agree. But between you and me? I think I made love and marriage too hard. I cared more about earning my parents’ approval instead of feeling certain that they loved me no matter what.”
The words made sense.
As did Lorene’s firm, positive attitude. Viola slumped, feeling more confused than ever. What was wrong with her? Obviously, Lorene had embraced the right things—how could something wrong make her feel so happy?
But if falling in love was simply a matter of racing ahead, even if a person knew it would cause others pain?
She wasn’t sure if that was for her.
Slowly, she stood up. “I think I’m going to go on home now.”
“Wait a minute. You just got here.” She pointed to the beautiful snack she’d laid out for them. “And you haven’t touched the cookies and barely sipped any tea.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Lorene tilted her head to one side, looking at her more carefully. “Viola, did you want to speak about something? Is something bothering you?”
She didn’t want to ruin Lorene’s wonderful-gut news. She didn’t want to burden her aunt with problems that she wasn’t even sure she had.
That wasn’t the type of person she wanted to be. That, at least, was something she was sure about.
“Nothing’s bothering me.”
“I fear you’re lying.”
“If I’m lying, it’s because what’s on my mind is nothing of importance. And it’s nothing that a good long walk won’t take care of. I think I really need the fresh air to clear my head.”
“I can understand that,” she said slowly. “But even small problems can be difficult to solve by yourself. I’m happy to help.”
“And I know that. But I’ll be fine.” Reaching out, she gave her aunt a fierce hug, then turned away before she gave in to temptation and shared too much.
And, as she began the long walk home, Viola realized she’d been correct. She needed the time to clear her head and to think. To imagine a life with Edward Swartz. And to contemplate a life without him, too.
Later that afternoon, Lorene got in her buggy and went to Peter’s. She was still thinking about Viola. She felt sure Viola was feeling conflicted about something and she had a feeling it was Edward Swartz. What could she do to help Viola not make the same mistakes that she had? Surely all her years of feeling afraid could be used to help Viola not make the same mistakes?
When she arrived on the property, Lorene drove the horse straight to the barn. Thankful that it was empty, she unhitched Bonnie and walked her to a stall. She needed a few extra moments to gather her thoughts and figure out how to help Viola.
And, she realized, to try to find a way to forgive her mother. All the negative feelings she’d been holding tight to her heart weren’t good for anyone. Even seeing the dawdi haus caused tension to rise up in her chest.
For almost ten years, she’d held tight to her worry and distress, afraid to let even the tiniest bit of her sadness come to light. Admitting disappointment never did anyone a bit of good. It didn’t make the memories easier, or the sadness dissipate.
But hiding it also didn’t remove the pain. It was still there. Festering.
But perhaps the past didn’t matter so much anymore. It was over, and had only really affected her life and John’s. Not the whole family’s. No, all that had happened was that she’d become resigned to a lifetime living alone. And now, things would be different.
Roman entered the barn just as she was about to walk to the house. “Aunt Lorene, I would’ve unhitched Bonnie for you.”
“I didn’t mind.”
“Will you be spending the night? If so, I’ll go ahead and brush her and give her some feed.”
“That’s kind of you. I don’t think I’ll tackle the snowy streets in the dark tonight.” Raising her chin so she could gage his expression a little easier, she realized that she’d been so focused on her nieces that she’d hardly spared a thought for her nephew. And it was Roman’s way to let others claim the majority of the attention, too. “Hey, since we’re alone, maybe you could tell me how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” he said quickly.
“Of
course you are, Roman,” she teased. “I’ve never heard you say different.”
“That’s because it’s the truth.”
“I’ve noticed you haven’t said much to anyone about what’s been going on with your grandparents.”
“Oh, that they’re liars?” He pulled his hat lower on his head, shielding most of his expression from her view. “I’m glad I’m not involved. I don’t really care what my grandmother was or used to be.”
“You don’t?” She found that hard to believe. She’d found herself thinking about her parents’ deception almost every waking moment, and she knew her siblings felt the same way.
Lorene stayed by his side. “I’m afraid I can’t say the same,” she admitted. “Whenever I think about all the times my mother made me feel so worthless, I want to scream.” She paused, then delved deeper. In for a penny, in for a pound. “And how are you doing with your daed’s revelation?”
“That he’s been secretly drinking in the bathroom of the house?” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t have much to say about that, either—except that it came as a surprise. I couldn’t make up all this turmoil.”
“Turmoil is a good way of describing it. But, I feel sure things will get better. We’re all communicating now. That’s a big improvement.”
Roman shrugged. “The Bible says forgiveness is a virtue. I suppose I’ll do my best to follow those words. They have to mean something, right?”
Both dismayed and a mite irritated that her nephew was quoting the Good Book to her, she nodded. “Of course.”
“Then that’s what we need to do.”
Her nephew was one of the most gentle Christian men she’d ever met. “I have a lot to learn from you.”
Grinning, he shook his head in that self-deprecating way of his. “I don’t know about that. I’m simply trying to do my best.” Picking up a curry comb, he began brushing Bonnie. “Viola told me about you and John Miller. It seems we’ve got a wedding to throw as soon as possible.” His smile grew. “Now that’s a story I was mighty interested in.”
“I just told Viola my news this afternoon! How in the world did she have time to already share it with you?”
Daybreak: The Days of Redemption Series, Book One Page 17