It’s a bold move and I’m almost shaking, but I don’t care, I’m not done yet.
Lauren looks at her colleagues, who nod that it can be done. In true Lauren fashion, she says, ‘Maybe I can, but what if I don’t like your attitude?’
Oh, wow. I’ve had enough. Armed with Gloria’s second tip, ‘What’s the worst that can happen’, I make the riskiest choice of my career to date. I’m going for it.
‘Lauren, you’ll have to forgive me for being frank. I’m jet-lagged, I’ve left my homesick daughter in a rented house with a menopausal aunt and I haven’t had any proper time to see my boyfriend since coming out here. That’s not to mention my probably postnatally depressed best friend who’s holed up in Brooklyn and who also flew out to the “land of opportunity” with us.
‘Now, you have every right not to like our attitude, but I’ll be damned if we walk away from this table having not given it our all. I have given this project everything. I have literally shed blood, sweat and tears over this job!’
I notice the woman from legal make a slightly disgusted face at the thought of my blood and sweat, but carry on.
‘Natalie and I have flown over from England at our own rather great expense to show you and your team what we’re made of, and let me tell you, Lauren, we’re made of stronger stuff than you might think.
‘We have swallowed our pride and done catering runs, cleaned up your team’s equipment, given makeovers to everyone and smiled, even though you have, on occasion, acted appallingly. Quite honestly, it would be not only a disservice to us if you withdrew the contract, but a disservice to yourselves!
‘You want to make great movies, right? Then hire the best fucking team you know! Us! MADE IT! This job is ours!’ I finish, thumping my fist on the table and breathing so heavily I don’t realise that I’ve actually stood up a little bit.
I sit down and suddenly feel panicked. What the hell have I done?
Natalie looks round with wide eyes, Lindsey looks like she might want to snog me, Scott looks afraid and Lauren is clearly taken aback. I bet nobody in her life has spoken to her the way I just did.
At least if we’re going to go home, we’re going to go home having given it every last drop.
‘Wow,’ Lauren begins. By this point I don’t really care what she says to me. In a few minutes I’ll be out of the office and will never have to see her again.
She continues, a smile spreading across her lips. ‘You’ve got fire in your belly for this job. I like it. I like a woman who gives a damn.
‘Natalie, you’re clearly a woman of integrity, and your Roxy here has spunk.’
I won’t bother telling her my name’s not Roxy.
‘Thank you,’ Natalie says, unusually stuck for words.
To the amazement of every single person in the room, Lauren throws back her head and laughs.
‘Roxy, that was one hell of a show! I love it! Natalie, I’ll be in touch. That’s a wrap, guys!’ she says and leaves the room.
Essentially, that was the weirdest, scariest, most unconventional business meeting I’ve ever been in, and I’ve never wanted a glass of wine, a cuddle and a big fluffy blanket more in my entire life. What on earth just happened?!
TWENTY-SIX
THROWING ALL CAUTION TO the wind, Natalie says we can expense a cab rather than get the subway. We ride home, gabbling excitedly about how that all went, replaying it over and over, laughing and talking with almost manic levels of hysteria, so that, by the time we get back to the house and tell Kath what’s happened, we’ve almost gone full circle and I feel as tight-tummied and sicky as I did when we left the house this morning.
I think I need a hot shower and a lie-down to reset myself, but Kath and Lyla have a lot to say about their day.
Apparently, after a morning running around The High Line and taking photos in front of trendy painted brick walls, Kath and Lyla went for a wander into SoHo.
‘Well, we were just taking it easy, and Lacey didn’t fancy it today. She wanted to potter around Williamsburg with the buggy, so we were just having a look at all the lovely town houses, weren’t we?’ starts Kath, with a grave look on her face.
‘We were deciding which one we’d have if we lived here,’ Lyla confirms.
‘OK, that sounds really nice,’ I say, taking a glass out of the kitchen cupboard to fill with water, wondering where this is going.
‘We walked and walked and found a couple of little playgrounds and we had great fun playing in those, didn’t we, lovey?’ Kath continues, talking to Lyla.
‘Yep! We found two! They’re just in little gaps where you think a building could fit. Like baby playgrounds with a slide but fun, because you can still see everyone going past, and Kath could sit on the bench and watch me. I made her take seventy-hundred photos to send you because I looked so cool,’ Lyla adds. I wish I had the innate confidence of a little girl. When do they lose that? How can I help her keep it?
‘Well, yes, the little parks were great fun. We stayed for about half an hour in each.’ Kath pauses.
‘OK, this sounds really nice.’ I’m baffled by her anxious expression.
‘After we’d been in the second park, I was getting a bit tired, so we thought we ought to find some lunch and head back.’
‘Yes, OK, good thinking,’ I encourage.
‘But before we did, we found a shop called Rainbow Dreams. Like I said, lovey, I was so tired, and Lyla thought the window display looked really fun with frilly dresses on the mannequins and bright feather boas and such.’ Kath looked at the floor and Lyla looked back and forth at the both of us.
‘OK …’ I say, completely lost.
‘I wasn’t looking, really. Maybe if I’d had my prescription sunglasses on I’d have seen better but I didn’t, and we just went in. I really wasn’t looking because when we opened the door—’
‘There were hundreds of great big plastic WILLIES!!’ Lyla shouts with absolute glee.
‘WHAT?’ I shout, spitting the water I’ve just sipped all over the kitchen sink. ‘What the hell do you mean?’
‘I’m so sorry, lovey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise it was an, er, adult shop. As soon as we opened the door we realised, and I turned us right back round, of course, and we went to Chelsea Market, where they had a lovely pop-up Esty shop selling—’
‘Rewind, hang on, you accidentally went into a sex shop?’ I ask, stopping her waffling on in a panic.
‘What’s sex?’ Lyla asks with a mischievous glimmer in her eye, clearly loving every moment of this drama, because at eight, bums, willies and poo are the pinnacle of comedy.
I take a deep breath and assess the situation. I’ve just aced one of the biggest meetings of my life; I am in New York City with some of my favourite people in the world; I have a beautifully inquisitive, funny, bright daughter full of life; I have a loving aunt who spends her time caring for all of us; a delicious hunk of a boyfriend and a sparky-when-not-a-bit-down best friend who’s just had a miracle baby. Do I really need to be cross that my young daughter has seen a bunch of dildos? No, not really. Would it be better if she wasn’t now asking what the big plastic willies were for? Yes, yes it would.
I sigh.
Kath looks as though she might cry.
‘Right!’ I say with uber-confidence. ‘Lyla, sex is something we can talk about when you’re a bit older. It’s for adults. Those plastic willies were for adults too, and are a bit silly, and we can have a little laugh about them but that’s it. It’s not something we need to talk too much more about.’ Knowing full well I’ll be talking and laughing about it with my friends for years. ‘Kath, it sounds like you had such a fun morning, and I’m so grateful that you took Lyla to those playgrounds and found such a silly shop! Let’s none of us worry about this. Let’s get ourselves ready and take Kath out to the pulled pork place she missed on the first night, and think about what adventures we can have at the weekend when my work is finished.’
I can honestly say, I don’t think I’ve e
ver seen such clear relief on anyone’s face quite like I do this evening on Kath’s.
Once we’re home, after a lovely hour and a half out in West Village, having more of that yummy pulled pork and a mooch round the vibrant streets nearby, I put Lyla to bed with a great big cuddle, pour myself a giant glass of wine, leave Kath to her crafts and go upstairs to FaceTime Lacey, who’s texted to say she’s feeling a bit down. What a surreal day. I wish I had the energy to pop round to Edward’s and celebrate everything that’s happened today, but I’m just exhausted, and we haven’t had a lot of chat since Saturday, so I don’t fancy tackling that. Happily, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m asleep. Bliss.
TWENTY-SEVEN
NATALIE AND MARTIN LEFT yesterday. They plan to tour the East Coast for a week before flying back. We all said we’d miss each other, but I secretly suspect they’ll be glad of the space. The original plan was for Edward to come and stay now they’re gone, but we’re not really speaking much, so I’ve no idea what’s going on there. I’ll be damned if I’m going to beg a man to spend time with me. I’m Robin Wilde; I’m better than that. Aren’t I?
Edward and I have barely seen each other. I messaged and said I feel like I’m constantly chasing, and he said he feels the same and things feel a ‘bit much’ right now. I was in a foul mood, and perhaps a bit too firm when I said, ‘Well, I’m a package deal and you know that.’ I can’t help but feel defensive with anything that involves Lyla. Lyla, my gorgeous little Lyla, who I think is picking up on mine and Kath’s angst and is pining for normality.
Lacey has gone quiet and doesn’t want to take Willow out much. She hasn’t been round and isn’t having her regular days out with Kath and Lyla. I’m worried she’s sinking again. Kath has been having a lot of headaches, early nights and ‘turns’, which she says are menopausal. I don’t want to query that, but it seems out of the blue considering she was so OK a few weeks back. Well, OK-ish. OK but busy. Busy and distant.
Do you know what I’d really like? For each day to stop being such a flipping roller coaster! One minute everything’s OK and I feel ready to handle anything; the next it’s fallen to pieces and I feel like I’m in pieces too!
But I’ve not got time to brood on it. I’ve been working so hard, and finally now I can concentrate on Lyla. Sure, I’d imagined it would be me and my girl gang seeing the sights – but if it needs to be just me and my Lyla Blue, I’d better make the most of it. Still, as we explore the Museum of Natural History, or when we let our hair blow in the breeze on the Staten Island Ferry, I can’t pretend I don’t miss Kath and Lacey being by our sides, and I keep thinking of funny things I’d laugh about with Edward if he were here.
Frankly, it’s an awful week. I don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling except for the odd furtive text here and there to Gillian, because I don’t want to add more weight to anyone else’s shoulders when I can see that everyone else is pushing through their own stuff too.
I get through to Friday exhausted from solo-parenting Lyla round the sights of New York, and decide a quiet evening is in order. With Kath having one of her rests and Lyla glued to the iPad in my bedroom (a mum’s gotta do what a mum’s gotta do), I lie down on the squishy lounge sofa and shut my eyes. Peace. Perhaps I’ll allow myself a full nap and then wake up feeling—
DING-DONG!
What. Fresh. Hell.
I open the door to be faced with an even paler than usual Lacey, Willow asleep in a sling and Piper looking ashen.
‘Robin, Lacey’s got something to tell you,’ she says, stepping over the threshold and heading straight into the main room, leaving Lacey and I staring at each other in the doorway. I’m too shocked even to ask what, this is all so weird.
‘I’m going to leave you both to it,’ Piper says, diplomatically moving off into the kitchen area and busying herself making a coffee. Although I get the sense I’m going to want something stronger after Lacey’s said whatever it is she’s come to say.
Lacey sits down carefully with the sling and baby still attached.
‘I don’t really know how to tell you this, so I’ll just say it all and then you can do what you like. Just know that I didn’t mean to find out, and I love you and … I don’t know, I’ll just start,’ she says with determination.
I nod, absolutely baffled and really scared. I know everyone’s been acting strangely, but this takes the biscuit.
‘So, Kath and I were sitting opposite the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park the other week, you know, the night we went out,’ she begins, and I nod, signifying for her to continue.
‘Lyla was playing just a few metres away from us. I’d been feeling even more dreadful than I have in weeks. I had a bit of a lift when we arrived here, but that wore off and I just sank down again. I’d started to think some really dark things, Robs,’ she continues, almost teary. I reach my hand over to her chair and squeeze her knee.
‘It’s OK, we’re here,’ I whisper.
‘Everybody said the first bit of motherhood would be difficult, but I thought since I’d wanted her for so long, I wouldn’t feel it. Wow, I was wrong. I don’t feel like I’ve caught my breath these last few months. I’ve seen how good you all are with Willow, especially Kath, and I just felt like maybe I’m not good enough. Not good enough for Willow, that she deserves a better mum … a different mum.
‘It finally spilt out of me that day. I was telling Kath all this, and she was just listening and I felt so at ease. Lyla was playing on that big bronze statue of Alice in Wonderland and had made lots of friends, so was happy for ages. I stopped talking for a few minutes and said, “Robin would love watching her play all over that, wouldn’t she?” I was feeding Willow a bottle at the same time and, I’m ashamed to say, not really paying attention to anything other than her and Lyla, so I didn’t really notice Kath getting a bit weepy.
‘She was looking straight ahead at Lyla and she said, “She would. It’s not right when a mother isn’t allowed to watch her child grow”.’
‘I thought it was a bit intense so I said, “She is seeing Lyla grow, Kath. It’s just a few days she’s busy for. She’s at work, isn’t she?” and I was a bit concerned, you know, because she seemed upset now.
‘We paused, then I carried on talking about Willow, and that I thought maybe I would see if Mum could have her for a few days a week or something when we got home, because maybe, like I said, I wasn’t the best option for her.
‘Kath didn’t reply, but looked away, fiddling with her shawl – you know, the multicoloured one with all the beads on it?’
I nod. I can just imagine the scene as Lacey is describing it. New York in July can feel hotter than the molten centre of the earth, so Kath wearing a loose orange cotton strappy sundress, red glittery sandals with tiny shells stitched onto the straps, a pastel technicolour crocheted shawl with a gold pompom trim, her signature glass bead necklaces and a giant floppy sunhat (also trimmed with gold pompoms) sounds about right.
Lacey continues. ‘By now the silence had become super-weird, so I asked Kath if she was OK.
‘“Oh Lacey, I’d love to talk about this but it’s too big, it’s too much”, was all she could say.
‘Robin, it was such a strange vibe, but I knew she had something she needed to let out, so I encouraged her gently. I told her to start at the very beginning and see how far she managed. I could see things were serious, but I had no idea where it was going to go.
‘So Kath began, twiddling her thumbs on her pompoms, she was so nervous. “It’s not a story that’s easy to tell. I’ve barely told a soul, but now it’s like I just can’t hold it in. I mean, of course I told Derek, and he was so good. He was always so good about everything. I wish I’d known him even earlier. I try not to think of it, of any of it, and usually I can manage, but since Willow, it’s, well, it’s as though a film is playing in my head and I can’t find the remote to turn it off.” By now she was crying, so I just tried to make her feel as loved as possible. I mean, she’s done so much f
or Willow, and she’s been like a second mum to me.’
Lacey looks nervous and pauses to adjust the sling around Willow. Then she carries on.
‘Kath took a deep breath, looked over at Lyla, who was squatting down playing with this little girl with butterfly clips in her hair, and just let it all out.
‘“Lacey,” she said. “I’m going to tell you something very close to my heart, and I hope you can understand that I’m not ready to speak about this with anyone else,” she said. She was so stern, not like her usual self, and so I promised not to share it. I felt awful straightaway, because she’s your auntie and I know I should have come to you first, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to upset her, I didn’t want to upset you. I felt really upset myself. I just—’
I can see Lacey is getting distressed, and I’m now feeling very anxious about whatever it is. I’m starting to feel a bit sick, too, thinking the worst and not even really knowing what that is.
‘Lacey, it’s fine, you’re here now. Just tell me what she said. Try to repeat exactly what you can remember,’ I urge.
‘OK, yes, sorry. So, she told me this story. She said, “I’m the youngest in my family. You know I’m fifty-four, don’t you? And that Robin’s dad is sixty-five?” I said I didn’t know the exact numbers, but yes, I knew Robert was a bit older.
‘She went on, “We came from a very conservative home and were raised with conservative values. My father, Robin’s grandad, who, God rest his soul, has passed on now, was a very serious man. He worked for the local government and considered it his civic duty to be an upstanding citizen. He’d seen his dad come back from the war, after fighting for king and country, and he greatly admired him. He was proud to be British, proud to work for the country and proud to uphold his values.”
‘I said he sounded like a good man, but Kath said, “That’s debatable. Mum was nice, but she would never stand up to Dad. I don’t know whether she was afraid of him or afraid of herself, but she could never seem to get out of his shadow. I think given half the chance she would have been so colourful and full of life, but Dad saw anything like that as ‘silly’ or ‘childish’, and he wanted Mum to stand next to him as the perfect wife.”
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