by Shane Morton
I love him.
I want him.
But maybe that’s selfish of me. Perhaps if I love Blake, I shouldn’t be with him.
I stood in the middle of the room, everyone was in deep conversation. I felt a hand touch my elbow and wrap itself around me.
“Danny, please come over here and talk to me for a bit,” Mrs. Hudson said firmly. “I think we should get to know a little more about each other.”
Fuck… I was not in the right place for this. Not after everything I just heard. I had too many thoughts spinning through my head right now. But, I didn’t see a way out of this.
“So you are a ski instructor? That has to be fun. Maurice and I love to ski. Have you ever been to the resort at Mont Blanc? It has some of the best runs in the world.” she sat back and nursed her white wine. “Or Les Arcs? It’s a world renowned lodge. The royal family even likes to visit there.”
“I’ve never been out of the country, Mrs. Hudson. I have been to quite a few resorts in Montana and Colorado when I was competing in high school, but I would never be able to afford to take a trip there, probably,” I swallowed hard. There wasn’t enough air in here. I loosened my tie a little.
“Well, of course,” she waved her hand in the air as if it didn’t matter that I wasn’t one of them. “Evan said you were also a lifeguard? Such an interesting life you lead. I suppose you are the outdoorsy type, living here you would have to be. It really is a beautiful place. You must be very proud to be from here.” She grinned at me, waiting for me to confirm her assumption.
“Yes. I love it here. I own a cabin at the base of the mountains, and I feel blessed that I get to look out at the beauty of Point Pleasant every day,” I needed to get out of here.
“We used to take the boys once a year to Switzerland so they could experience the savoir-faire of Europe. Blake, of course, travels all over the world now, being an actor. We are really proud of him. He has truly made something of himself. Sometimes it just takes a little gumption, you know. Blake has always had it. You just met, of course. That was fast, don’t you think? But I guess the heart wants what the heart wants, don’t you think?”
“Uh… I don’t know…” I stuttered. I zoned out for a second and lost my train of thought. I glanced over at Crystal, who was watching me, and she noticed the blankness of my face and thankfully came to the rescue.
“Mrs. Hudson, can I steal Danny for a second? We have some last-minute wedding plans to discuss,” Crystal said, beaming the brightest and fakest smile I had ever seen.
“Oh, of course. I was just chatting with the man who stole my son’s heart so quickly,” she gushed. “I can see why… You are absolutely stunning, young man.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Hudson,” I grabbed onto Crystal’s arm as I stood. The world was starting to spin. “This was very enlightening. Thank you.”
Crystal led me outside. I grasped onto her arm for comfort. I couldn’t decide if I was going to break into tears or just break something. Hopefully not Crystal’s arm, cause I was gripping her firmly.
“What the fuck, Danny? Are you okay? What happened?” Crystal asked, concerned. She held my face in her hands, trying to keep me steady.
“I can’t do this right now. I can’t…”
“Okay. Did you drive?” she pulled me over to the bench that sat to the side of the entrance.
“Yes. I parked around the corner,” I managed to whisper. “Crystal… I think I’m experiencing a panic attack.”
“Okay, I’m going to go get Blake,” she started to walk away.
“Crystal, no! Please don’t…” I begged.
She came and bent down beside me. “Oh, honey… Okay. I’m going to go tell Everett we are leaving because you aren’t feeling well and want to be in good shape for tomorrow. I’ll also tell Blake that we’re leaving and I’m gonna spend the night with you tonight. Okay? Is that what you want?”
“Yes… Please.”
“Fine. But you are gonna tell me everything, Danny Kincaid. I’ll drive your truck cause I rode with Wally. Stay here and take deep, slow breaths, okay?” she ordered. I knew she meant it. I would not be let off the hook, she was going to get to the bottom of this whether I wanted to or not. Maybe she could help me? Tell me what to do?
“Yes,” I whispered, feeling my heart beating so loudly that everyone within a mile radius should be able to hear it.
She wasn’t gone long, and I don’t know what she said. We were quiet all the way home, and by the time we pulled out of town and around the base of my mountain, I was starting to feel better. Physically anyway. The panic had left and had been replaced with something else; something dark and bottomless. It was sadness. I knew this feeling, had gotten used to it in my life.
If I loved Blake, I had to let him go. He deserved better than me.
19
Blake
I was pissed. I didn’t know what happened, but I was sure it had to everything to do with my parents, somehow.
When Crystal came in to tell me she was taking Danny home, that he wasn’t feeling well, I, of course, offered to do it.
“I have it, Blake. You stay here and be with your… family,” she said, her voice shaking. “Seriously, Blake. This is not the right time.”
I started to freak out. “What happened? Is he okay?”
“He’s gonna be fine. He just got… I don’t really know Blake. Just give him tonight to figure it all out.”
She walked out, and I was left there alone. Danny was all I could think about for the rest of the night.
When I got back to Mrs. Markle’s, I paced my bedroom back and forth, wearing an invisible hole out of on hardwood. I barely slept. Crystal didn’t say what was wrong but form the sheepish look my Mother gave, I could make assumptions. When I asked her about it, all she said was, “I don’t know, Blake. We were talking about Europe and travel, and suddenly he went white. I just don’t think he’s made to handle a lot of stress.”
I’m sure it was the stress she probably put on him. Dad talked to me, and Mom talked to him… the old double team-up. I wanted to hate them for it, but I assumed it came from a place of protective parental concern.
As soon as it was morning, I pulled on my clothes and drove to his place. I needed to see him and make sure he was okay. That we were okay.
Danny and Crystal were sitting out on his front porch drinking coffee. He looked disheveled and tired. He didn’t sleep much, either. He looked stoic as I approached, quiet and solemn like he had gone through something serious.
“Hey guys,” I said, feeling stupid. Crystal looked uncomfortable as she smiled at me. “Danny, are you okay? Crystal said you weren’t feeling well. I would have come, but…”
“I know, Blake. I asked her to tell you not to. I needed… some time to think,” he hung his head lower. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m sure I freaked you out.” He looked up at me, his red-rimmed eyes staring blankly at me, a cup of coffee clenched in his hand.
“Of course, I was. I care about you… I love you, dummy.”
He looked over at Crystal, who touched me on my arm before she went inside. Oh shit… This was going to suck.
“I know. I love you too, Blake,” he looked at me, his mouth set in a hard line as his lips pressed together, trying to hold back some emotion.
“But? I feel like there’s a but in there,” I pulled the chair in front of him and sat down. I reached out to take his hand, and he moved it out of reach. “Danny?” I pleaded. “Talk to me, please?”
“I had a panic attack. That’s all. It wasn’t my first one, and I’m sure it won’t be my last, Blake. I…” He looked up at me and sucked on his bottom lip for a second. “I didn’t mean to hear. I wasn’t eavesdropping, not really. But I heard part of the conversation you had with your dad and after talking to your mom, I just… I don’t know what to think.”
“What did she say? I told my father that I loved you. I was happy with you. What do you think you heard?”
&n
bsp; “I heard him say I might not be right for you. That being with me, coming out… It could ruin your life, Blake. I don’t belong there, and you know it. I know you do.”
“I don’t understand. None of that matters. I don’t care where we live. I told you it didn’t matter to me, as long as I’m with you. Don’t do this, Danny. Please?” I could feel my heartbreaking. It didn’t matter what I said right now. He had decided for me. “I am in love with you, and you are all that matters.”
“I know you think that now, Blake. But what about later? If you do this…”
“Danny, I have to do this. I don’t have a choice anymore. I can’t put a lid back on it.”
“Did you do that for me, Blake? Or did you do it for yourself?” he looked up at me, and I could see the pain written across his face, the toll this conversation was having on him.
“Does that really matter?” his question confused me. My jaw clenched as I waited for him to answer. All I got was a sigh at first.
“It does. If you did it for me, it changes everything, doesn’t it? It makes me responsible for what happens next. It makes me implicit in what happens to you, what happens to us. I’m not saying that I don’t want there to be an us, Blake. I just think we found each other at the wrong time, maybe.” A tear slid down his face, and I could feel the emotional turmoil building within myself. I was about to get messy.
“Danny… Please don’t do this. We can get through all of this, together.” My gut felt like it had been punched. Tears were building up behind my eyes and were about to start rolling down my face. I wiped at them to stop them from making me a blubbering mess. I was on the verge.
“But what… if after all of this… Blake, we realize… that this was just… just… a moment and we aren’t really a good fit. You start hating it here. I… start… hating it there. Once we get to know ev… everything about each other we might de…decide that we aren’t exactly ri… right.” He was now letting it all out. His tears made me want to reach out and make it all better, but I knew I couldn’t. “I’m not saying that… I don’t… don’t want…to… I’m just saying we nee… I need to slow down and really see. I don’t want to ruin you, and I don’t want… I’m… I’m scared, Blake. I couldn’t handle you breaking my heart.”
I stood up and took the coffee out of his hand. My shoulders started shaking, and my sobs filled the air. I took him by his hand and pulled him up. His arms went around my waist, and I took him into my wet embrace. We held each other and cried, both of us unsure what any of this meant.
Crystal opened the door.
“Guys? I don’t know what to do. But we have to go and get everything ready for the wedding. Wally just called.” She stepped outside and touched us on the arm. “I know your both hurting while you figure out what’s going on, but those two grooms don’t deserve to suffer for it. So it’s time to put on our big boy panties and deal. Okay?”
Danny and I looked at each other and knew that what she was saying was true. We had a lot to figure out, and that couldn’t happen right now.
“Yeah,” I said, around the lump in my throat. Danny looked at me and put his forehead to mine, trying to forge some understanding about what we had to do. “I know…”
“Blake? Please don’t be mad at me… I’m just trying to do what is right… and I just don’t know.” He looked so forlorn and lost. I wasn’t mad at him, the stupid altruistic asshole was doing what he thought was best for me, even if it caused him pain. Of course, the hole in my heart wasn’t happy with him either, right now.
“I’m not mad, Danny. I’m just confused. I would do anything for you,” I let the words trip out of my mouth, but I was numb.
“I know… Maybe that’s not fair to you either.”
Danny went inside to change out of his pajamas.
“He’s been a wreck all night. I think he thinks he’s doing what he feels is best for you. Don’t give up on him, Blake. I need you to fight for him, even if you have to fight him. Do you understand me? He doesn’t believe in himself anymore. But he is worthy, and he loves you as much as you love him,” Crystal said as she touched me lightly, rubbing circles on my back to give me some kind of comfort.
“I hear you. There’s no way this is over,” I said as I walked over to my car.
“Blake? Let’s get through this wedding, okay?” she asked, concerned.
“Of course, Crystal.” I got in my car and headed to the park.
We spent the next few hours setting everything up before we each headed back to our homes to get ready for the ceremony. Danny and I kept casting glances at each other, but neither of us could look the other in the eye.
20
Danny
Does it make me a horrible person if I got some weird joy over watching Blake’s mom and dad walk through the maze, aghast at what they were witnessing? Blake glanced over at me and smirked. He had told me that they would hate it. I didn’t care anymore. They stole my happiness, and I’m glad they didn’t like it. I’m not even sure that was what they were trying to do. Maybe they’re just too self-involved to even know how to relate to other people. It didn’t matter. I could do what was best for those I loved, even if they couldn’t.
Hanging out with everyone before the wedding was torture. Blake and I just stared at each other and tried to not have to interact, scared that we wouldn’t be able to stop ourselves from trying to solve our dilemma. Blake didn’t see it yet, but there was only one option, no matter how much we loved each other. It was safer for both of us.
There were sixty-two people in attendance, and that meant that we had to squeeze two more place settings in. Thank goodness we had a few singles we could move around. Crystal had let the caterer know, and they just smiled and said they would take care of it. Hildy’s flower designs were fucking gorgeous. Our boutonnieres were black roses with one of the small pumpkins on the side. Everett was over the moon about how it all looked.
Wally popped in.
“Crystal said it’s time. Are you all ready?” he asked. I need to let Hildy know.
“Yes, I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” Everett smiled as he stared at the man he was meant for.
I glanced over at Blake, who stared back at me. He tried to smile, but it was tinged with sadness. I gave my own stab at overcoming the feelings that were raging inside me. The ‘what ifs’ had taken hold of me, and I didn’t think I could escape them. Living and believing in the ‘what ifs’ felt safer than letting go of them at this moment. Dr. Miranda was wrong. Her way sounded great in theory, but for real-life situations, it was not useful.
The music began, and it was glorious. I didn’t know what song Everett had chosen for all of us to walk down the aisle, as he sent the list to Hildy, himself. Honestly, it was one of the only things he did. Tori Amos’, A Sorta Fairy Tale blasted from her speakers, and I almost came undone. It’s actually a kind of sad song if you really know the lyrics… which maybe Everett doesn’t, and that shouldn’t actually surprise me. I looked over at Blake and realized that we would be the first two people who walked out and this song might be about us.
We stood side by side in the doorway to the tent and opened the flap and made our way to the gazebo we decorated together. This sad song is about believing you have found your true love, and as time goes by, and the facades disappear- you realize you are not right for each other. So it’s only ‘sort of’ a fairytale- but not the real thing.
Fairytales last the test of time and I wasn’t sure that Blake and I could do that. I knew without a doubt he thought he could, but I had to be the realist for both of us. Happiness for each of us, in the long run, depended on it. But I did love him. I mean, I was potentially falling in love with… FUCK! I already loved him. I loved him enough to not mess his life up.
We walked down the center aisle into the wedding that we planned together as if it were our own. We walked up onto the gazebo and stood at opposite sides; both of us casting glances at each other. A tear had fallen onto Blake’s c
heek and sparkled in the afternoon glow of a beautiful Point Pleasant sunset. I could feel my own tears too. Sure, we were happy for Ev Squared… but these tears were for us.
Evan and Everett walked down the aisle, and everyone stood up. Mrs. Markle was already a sobbing mess as was Everett’s mom. They shared seats in the front row. The Hudson’s looked out of place, yet happy for their son. Everett was easy to like, and he would fit into their idea of family. Unlike me.
The wedding was quick. The vows- honest and unpretentious. Amber’s song adorably in theme with this wedding and Everett burst into tears as she sang it. In truth, Everett cried a lot during the wedding. It was sweet. He got his happy ending… Why am I so against getting my own?
21
Blake
I feel like I have been jilted at the altar. This is what real heartbreak feels like when you have to swallow it and pretend as if everything is ok. It’s not the first time I have had to wear a mask to hide my pain, but it’s the first time it’s ever felt this bad.
Dinner was a big success. Crystal sat between Danny and me, and that only made things worse for me. I wanted to touch him, to tell him that no matter what he was feeling or scared of, I was still here. I longed to always be here. But I didn’t. Crystal did her best to keep things light and snappy. It didn’t seem to help Danny or me. We were the morose couple, whose thin smiles hid the raging torrent of emotions we didn’t want to show here, in the place of someone else’s happiness. Today was about my brother and the man he loved. Not us.
But us was all I could think about.
Dancing had begun, and Hildy was spinning some great disco. Gaga blasted from the speakers and the townspeople of Point Pleasant were boogieing down. Crystal and Wally were dancing with wild abandonment, and my Mother looked at them as if she were watching the mating ritual of an unknown tribe.