“Oh, yeah, killing off the city’s poor and defenseless...real great.”
“You have no head for business, you know that?” she sniffed.
“I could care less as long as I get to keep mine.” I looked around. “So what’s going on?”
“You’re early, I guess. Nobody’s here yet.”
“Great. I love getting extra time to stew in my juices right before being executed.”
“They’re not going to execute you...at least I don’t think they’re going to.”
“How reassuring.”
“Listen,” she said, leaning over the desk toward me. Her new angle afforded me a generous view of her ample cleavage. Noticing where my eyes were headed, she quickly added, “They don’t talk back...especially not to you. Eyes up here while you still have them.”
“Sorry.”
“Bullshit,” she replied offhandedly. “As I was saying, I doubt execution is on their minds.”
“I got one of the Draculas killed.”
“Supposedly got one of the Draculas killed,” she corrected. “There’s been no proof, at least none that I’ve heard of. The Khan is missing until proven otherwise. Besides, you didn’t do it on purpose. Stupidity is not as serious a crime as treachery.”
“Thanks...sorta.”
“What I mean is, the Draculas are not known for dicking around. If they had wanted you dead, that would have been it. You would have been dusted before we ever got a chance to talk about it. Trust me. These guys are big on making examples of people.”
“Maybe because of this Freewill crap, they...”
“It wouldn’t matter. Legends or not, if they wanted you dead that would be it. Think about it. The Khan’s people gave you tons of ‘chosen one’ bullshit, right?”
“True.”
“Exactly. And yet it still didn’t stop him from ordering your death just because his little bitch of a daughter decided she wanted to elope with you.”
I winced a little at the memory of Gan. I had no doubt there was still unfinished business there, at least as far as she was concerned. “Gan aside, I think I get what you’re saying. Prophecies or not, the Draculas are the big dogs in the room.”
“Yep, and they’ll piss all over you without a second thought.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“Which means,” she went on, “that they have something else in mind.”
I couldn’t help but visibly shudder at the implication. It might be something else other than death, but I had little doubt it would prove to be equally unpleasant.
Unexpected Company
Sally and I bantered back and forth for about an hour, at the end of which I didn’t feel any better. Sally has a lot of skills, but her pep talks leave a lot to be desired. She was in the middle of trying to give me an update on the hotline when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence. She raised her head and sniffed the air.
“No way,” she gasped.
Since Sally is older than I am, her senses are more finely attuned. I had barely enough time to spurt out a quick, “What?” before the door to her office was pushed open from the outside. In strode a very familiar face, albeit one I was convinced I would never see again.
“Holy shit, James!” I said, rising to my feet.
“Dr. Death,” he replied with a quick grin, using my old coven name - the one I had been given by our old leader, Jeff AKA Night Razor. If James was pissed over what had gone down in China, he was doing a good job of hiding it so far.
I didn’t know what to think. On the one hand, James had my eternal gratitude. He was the reason I was still walking around, as opposed to lining the bottom of an ashtray. The flipside was that James was over six hundred years old. That put him at a power level that far eclipsed mine. If he suddenly decided that a little revenge was in order, my options would be limited to whining and taking it like a bitch.
For the moment, though, he didn’t seem interested in bouncing me off of solid objects. He met Sally as she came around her desk and gave her a quick hug.
“A pleasure as always, Sally.”
“It’s great to see you, James,” she replied with a genuine smile. Sally had been James’s confidant during my early days, which had eventually led to my rise as coven master. “We all thought you were...”
“Dead? Yes I know,” he finished for her.
“Guess that explains why Colin was so pissy on the phone,” she said.
“Ah yes. My overly ambitious assistant. Well, he may yet get what he wants,” James cryptically stated. As far as I was aware, Colin wanted James’s job, i.e. jurisdiction over all of the Northeastern covens. However, now that James was back that would mean things would return to the way they should be. Wouldn’t it?
I didn’t get a chance to ask, though, as he then said, “We have much to discuss. But, perhaps we should find more suitable surroundings. Sally, my dear, would you happen to know if that café I favor is still open? I could very much go for one of their marvelous espressos.”
* * *
To say that I felt a little surreal would be an understatement. It felt like déjà vu to me. Less than a year ago, I had been seated at this very same café with the very same company and the conversation, though of a different nature, had been of the same gist: namely my fate. At that time, I had gradually come to learn that both of them had been in favor of my continued existence despite my initial reluctance to believe Sally. Since then, I had come to trust...well OK, mostly trust, her. James, however, was now the X-factor. Something nasty had gone down in Asia and I was the one he was most likely to blame.
Still, it was hard to feel too condemned sitting there watching him down his third espresso.
“Absolutely fantastic,” he sighed. “While the selection of tea in China, forgive my pun, is absolutely superior to what we have here, they simply don’t have anything that can hold a candle to this,” he said, holding up his cup. “Alas, it was one point on which my sire and I could never see eye to eye.”
“You mean the Khan?” I asked, testing the waters.
“Yes,” he replied, his eyes somewhat distant.
“How is he?” Sally asked conversationally. She could afford to be casual. It wasn’t her ass on the line. Bitch!
“Sadly, I shall never get a chance to convince him otherwise,” he stated, putting his cup down. “The Khan fell in battle with our enemies.”
“The Alma?” I blurted out.
“They go by many names,” James replied. “Some of which are not to be used lightly. Names carry power, even collective ones.”
“Uh OK,” I said, having no idea what he meant. “Listen, James, I’m really sorry about what happened. I had no clue Gan...” I started to ramble, when he put up a hand to cut me off.
“Be at ease, my friend. I don’t blame you for what occurred. Gansetseg may be impulsive, but she gets it from her bloodline. My sire over-reacted, and I even told him such. The Khan, however, was not one to be swayed once his mind was made up.”
“But still...”
“But still, nothing. Our enemies attacked us en masse. Nergui’s presence would not have made much of a difference,” he said, referring to the chief assassin the Khan had sent. “They had a specific goal in mind: to get our attention. In killing a member of the Draculas, they have most certainly gotten it.”
“Goddamn, the war against the feet,” Sally sighed.
I looked up. I had heard that term before, months back, and Sally had been specifically coy about it. “What about it?” I asked.
“Ah yes,” James replied. “It’s a vulgar simplification that many of our stateside brethren use.”
“Maybe, but it fits,” Sally said and then turned to me. “In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Bill, and since you’re a little slow on the uptake, I’ll assume that’s the case...”
“Get to the point, Sally,” I snarled.
“Bigfoot, or Bigfeet if you prefer the plural. I don’t know much, I am a city girl after all, but I know we’ve been
locked in a cold war with them for like forever.”
“Forever is not too far from the truth,” James replied.
“OK, let’s back up for a second,” I said. “I figured out the Bigfoot part already. Ed googled Alma and that’s what popped up. But you’ll forgive me if I say that makes no fucking sense.”
“Oh, please,” Sally said, then gave me one of her trademarked eye-rolls. “Like you have any clue as to what makes sense.”
“Maybe not,” I shot back, “but I do know that vampires versus Bigfoot...” I sputtered to a halt as James shot me a warning glance. I turned my head to see our waitress walking over. Thinking quick, I added, “would be a hell of a movie to see on the SyFy channel. I hear Roger Corman is producing it.”
* * *
Once our waitress had walked away, taking with her an order for yet another espresso, I continued. “I’m not following this. Why the hell are vampires in a war against a bunch of giant smelly apes?”
“Like you’re one to talk about hygiene,” Sally quipped.
“Children, please,” James said, once again echoing the conversation from nearly a year ago. “I’m sorry, Dr. Death, but you are greatly over-simplifying things. Were these Bigfeet, as you seem insistent on calling them, merely apes then there wouldn’t be an issue. You don’t see us warring against the mountain gorillas of Uganda, now do you?”
“No,” I replied. “Or at least I guess not.”
“Trust me, we’re not,” he went on. “The creatures you are referring to are far more than giant primates. They are ancient forest spirits and their somewhat brutish forms are simply how they choose to physically manifest themselves.”
“So they’re like ghosts?”
“Not quite,” he explained patiently. He thought about it for a moment before continuing. “They’re more akin to human stories about brownies, pixies, or gnomes...just a tad larger.”
“And meaner too,” I replied, remembering how one had chucked a bowling ball sized rock at me with enough force to almost crush my ribcage.
“Quite so. Even the least of their kind possesses the physical strength of a vampire several times your age.”
I considered this. I had seen James in action. The guy was practically Superman compared to me. The Khan had been even older, thus it stood to reason he was even stronger than James was. That being said, the Khan hadn’t exactly been a prime physical specimen. Hell, that was being generous. The Khan was a big fat fuckhead of a vampire, probably tipping the scales at five hundred easily. I looked like a Calvin Klein model next to him. Ancient vampire powers or not, I just couldn’t envision him moving with the same grace or speed I had seen James use. Still, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have been a formidable foe. For all I know, he could’ve been the King Kong Bundy of the undead world. If these monsters could take him down, then what kind of chance would I stand against them?
The thought of the Khan reminded me that I was probably being a rude asshole. Damn, the whole vampire lifestyle must be starting to get to me. Enough with the self-pity. At the very least, I could be considerate toward James. This guy was his vampire dad, so to speak.
“My condolences,” I said.
“Eh?” he grunted, taking another sip of espresso. Across from him, I could see Sally giving another eye-roll.
However, I wasn’t a heartless bitch like her, so I continued, “I’m sorry about the Khan. He was your sire after all. How are you holding up?”
To my surprise, he actually chuckled in response. “Thank you, Dr. Death. You’re the first person actually to ask me that. I have to admit, though, once you reach my age, feelings such as regret, remorse, or grief just don’t have the same punch as they used to. Ogedei Khan’s passing is regrettable. He was a piece of living history. Regardless, my dealings with him have been limited as of the past few centuries and truthfully we were never really close to begin with.”
“What about Gan?” Sally asked. I knew for a fact that she despised Gan. No doubt, she was asking because she knew the topic would make me squirm. Sally and I had an interesting relationship to say the least. No matter how close we might or might not be, she always took perverse pleasure in annoying the shit out of me.
“Suffice to say, I think Gansetseg will get over it quickly,” James replied. “She’s been in her father’s shadow for three hundred years. Whatever grief she might feel has been eclipsed by the opportunity it opens up. When last I saw her, she was consolidating her father’s power base beneath her, and being brutally efficient about it as well. Oh, by the way, she sends her love.” A smirk worked its way into the corners of his mouth as he said this last part.
I sighed in response and then glared daggers at Sally, who I could see opening her mouth for some kind of asshole comment. She threw me a saucy grin in return and then changed the subject. “So where have you been? Didn’t this all go down three months ago? That’s a long time to play dead.”
“Nothing escapes you, does it, my dear Sally?” he commented. “A fair question. After the Khan’s forces fell, I found myself trapped behind enemy lines. For weeks, I was forced into the position of guerilla, pun notwithstanding. I’d bury myself in the desert sands during the day, and then do my best to avenge my fallen brothers during the night. Eventually I made contact with Gansetseg’s forces and was able to get back to friendly territory.”
“And that brings you back here?” I asked.
“Not quite,” he said. “As with any war, there is diplomacy involved. I was summoned to Europe to meet with the remaining Draculas and discuss options. Open warfare is in neither of our species’ best interests. The world has changed so much since the last time we clashed.”
I listened in rapt interest. This was starting to get good. I was always up for a good monster versus monster yarn. Unfortunately, Sally had to play story cock-blocker.
“What about the Draculas?” she asked. “With the Khan dead, there’re only twelve of them. They have any replacements in mind?” The tone of her voice implied that she knew something I didn’t. Not that it was surprising. Sally seemed to be at the center of the vampire gossip circles. She was all ears. She collected information like...well, like my roommate, Tom, collected toys. The only difference was that Sally’s holdings were often worth something.
“As I said, nothing escapes you,” James replied. “What I am about to say is not public information, but I am told I am up for consideration as a new member of the Draculas.”
“WAY TO GO, JAMES!” I shouted and held up my hand for a high-five.
“So much for not making it public,” Sally sniffed. This time even James sighed. Seeing their reaction, I lowered my arm.
“Your enthusiasm aside,” he said, “it’s not as cut and dry as that. There are other candidates being considered as well. With the specter of war that’s currently hanging over us, this little competition comes at an ill-advised time. If I didn’t think it would constitute an insult of the highest degree, I would gladly back out of consideration.”
“Competition?” I asked. “What, do you all have like thirty days to see who can rack up the highest body count?”
“Nothing quite so simple, I’m afraid. Ultimately, the Draculas will make the final decision. However, as is often the case with multiple hopefuls, it would not be uncommon for a few of them to drop out of the running permanently.”
“I see.”
“Therein lies the problem. The Draculas hold vampires of my age to a high standard, but even they are forced to admit that trying to avert a bloody conflict while continually looking over my shoulder is a daunting task. That, Dr. Death, is what brings me here tonight.”
Oh, crap. I had gotten so caught up in James’s drama that I had completely forgotten that I was also in the Draculas’ crosshairs. This did not bode well. I remembered back to my time in Asia. Gan had been sputtering off some nonsense about how the Freewills of old used to lead the vampire armies against their enemies. Fuck! I could barely keep my D&D party from getting ambushed. I’m ab
out as far from being West Point material as they get.
Seeing the panicky look that was starting to appear on my face, Sally did as expected. She sat back, took a long pull from her coffee, and smirked. Bitch! One of these days I was going to...oh, who was I kidding? Chances are I’d have some Sasquatch wiping me off the heel of its foot before I had a chance to even think of something appropriately Sally-worthy.
Instead, I decided to ignore her. I turned to James and said, “I know the Draculas are pissed at me for what happened to the Khan, but they’re making a massive mistake if they think that making me a general in some half-assed army of darkness is going to...”
I was interrupted by James spewing espresso at me. Ewww. He choked for a moment and then dissolved into laughter. Glad to know I was so amusing.
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