Oh, well, in for a penny, I thought. I locked eyes with the creature (which I seem to recall learning from National Geographic isn’t a particularly smart thing to do with gorillas) and continued speaking. “These are my companions. We’re here to meet with your leaders.”
“And why should Grulg take you?”
Grulg? What the hell is a grulg? Oh, fuck this! While I try to avoid getting beaten to a pulp as much as possible, I am also of the mindset that if I have an ass-kicking coming, then I might as well deserve it. “Listen, Kong, I don’t have time for your shit. I have business to discuss with your betters.” At that, I heard multiple gasps of breath from behind. Gotta love everyone’s confidence in me. Of course, how would I even know that this guy wasn’t the one in charge? Oh, boy.
There was a tense moment of silence, during which my sensitive vampire ears heard Ed slide the safety off his gun. Maybe we’d all get lucky and he’d just blow my head off rather than let me stick my foot any further into my mouth. Finally, though, the smelly-ass Sasquatch in front of me simply nodded his head.
“You follow Grulg.”
“Uh...”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Sally spat. “He’s Grulg, you fucking idiot.”
“Your concubine speaks with much fire,” Grulg said in a tone that sort of sounded bemused, although maybe it was just me.
“Concu...”
“Yes, Grulg,” I interrupted before Sally’s temper could undo what I had gotten lucky with. “That’s how I like her...sassy.”
If Sally could have killed me with her mind, I’m sure she would have. However, Grulg just gave what I took to be a shrug. “Follow.”
“What about our stuff, Grulg?”
“Leave here. We bring Freewill’s belongings later.”
I exchanged glances with the members of my party that didn’t want to kill me.
“Valet parking, Bigfoot style,” Tom commented.
That made about as much sense as anything at the moment, so I just turned back to Grulg and said, “Lead the way.”
* * *
Had I known I was signing up for a wilderness trek, I would’ve invested in a pair of hiking boots. Grulg led us onward for what felt like at least a mile. I think we went straight, but the truth was I had absolutely no idea. He could’ve just been walking us in circles for all I knew.
Finally, he stopped next to a tree. It was large and old, and pretty much looked like every other tree we had passed, with the exception that it was covered in an intricate series of scratches about seven feet above the ground.
Before I could question what he was doing, Grulg lifted his head and let out a piercing howl. I have to admit, it was kind of freaky. I had seen enough movies to wonder if he was now giving the signal for an ambush. Any second now, a bunch of his hairy buddies would come rushing out to tear us apart...not that Grulg looked like he needed the help.
However, no attack came. A few moments passed and then answering howls rang out in the night, but they sounded far away.
Once silence had again descended, I let my curiosity get the better of me. “Grulg, what was that for?”
“Respect.”
“For?”
“For the dead. We enter Woods of Mourning now.”
I heard a quiet titter behind me. “Excuse me for a moment, Grulg,” I said and then turned. Unsurprisingly, Tom was standing there, a guilty look on his face. “Read my lips, shut...the...fuck...up,” I said as softly as I could and still be heard.
Tom continued grinning, but made a lip zipping motion. I sighed and turned back to our hairy escort. “Sorry, please go on.”
Grulg gave me what looked to be a dubious glance, but continued. “Many ancestors buried here. Mighty warriors. Their spirits rejoin the land. They all around us, listening.”
“Mighty warriors?”
“Yes. Many laid low by the Tlunta,” he spat that last word. I had a sneaking suspicion what he meant by it, but I asked anyway.
“Undead,” he answered with a snarl before once more turning to lead the way. Oh, yeah, this was gonna go well.
As Primitive as Can Be
Gradually we began to see signs of life again. It started slowly, a shadow here and there, usually off in the distance; however, soon we started seeing more of Grulg’s kind. Some paid us no heed. Others bared their teeth at us as we passed. Yeah, there was definitely no love lost with these guys. It was a pretty safe bet that the Twilight movies weren’t a favorite at whatever passed for the local cinema around here.
Finally, we came to what I guess would be considered a village of sorts. I could see a series of huts spread out amongst the trees. Though crude, they were obviously built for the size of the normal inhabitants. They looked practically cavernous compared to my freshman dorm room. Unfortunately, they looked about as neat too. They were mainly covered in leaves and moss, held together by what I really hoped was mud. In short, they were shitholes. Guess I should’ve expected that we wouldn’t exactly be staying at a Marriott.
As we entered the encampment, a voice called from off to our right. “I will take them from here, Grulg. They are under my protection now.” It sounded familiar. I glanced over in that direction and my eyes immediately went wide.
“Oh, shit,” I muttered. Looking back toward the rest of my group, I saw that Sally had the same surprised expression. No wonder, in her case. The vampire who strode toward us was the very same who had casually lopped off her hand with a silver blade just a few months back. Judging by how he looked, he was every bit as well armed now as he had been back then.
“Nergui?” I asked disbelievingly as he came up to us.
He ignored me, instead walking up to the monster that had been our guide and locking eyes with it. A tense moment passed. Eventually Grulg bared his lips in a snarl and broke the gaze. He turned back to us.
“You with own now. We begin tomorrow,” he said, then turned to wander off, leaving me to wonder if I had a tomorrow. The guy he was leaving me with had every reason, and ability too I might add, to make sure I didn’t live to see another nightfall.
As Nergui turned to us, I could almost feel Sally tensing behind me. Sure, we bickered like five-year-olds most of the time, but when push came to shove, I knew she would be there to back me up.
However, Nergui surprised me by bowing. “Greetings once more, Freewill,” he said upon straightening. “It is an honor to serve you.”
“Really?” I asked, completely taken off guard.
“Why would it not be?”
“Well for starters,” Sally said, stepping up next to me, “you did kind of try to kill us both not too long ago.”
“Yes. As I explained at the time to the Freewill, it was a misunderstanding.”
“A misunder...”
I interrupted Sally before she could blow her top. “Yes, an unfortunate misunderstanding for all of us. Still, considering what happened afterwards...”
He nodded at this, a brief flash of emotion shone in his eyes before his normal stoic demeanor took hold again. “Yes, the loss of my master is regrettable. If I could, I would gladly have given my life to save his.”
“From what I’ve heard, it wouldn’t have done any good.”
“Yes, so too has the Wanderer told me. Perhaps, perhaps not. I cannot change what has occurred. I can only serve my new mistress with as much honor as my worthless self can manage.”
“New mistress?” asked Sally.
“Gan,” I answered.
“Yes, the princess. She now commands what was once her father’s.”
Suddenly a horrible thought hit me. Oh, crap. The last thing I needed was that psycho little hellion coming after me like a hungry piranha. “Nergui, is Gan here?”
“Alas no,” he replied. If he noticed the sigh of relief I let out, he didn’t acknowledge it. “My people need a leader now, and her place is there.”
“So then why are you here?”
“When she learned of this gathering, she dispatched me immediately. The
princess is aware of the possibility of treachery against her beloved (ARGH!). She has entrusted me to watch over you.”
Despite her wariness of Nergui, Sally couldn’t help but comment on that. “Aww, that’s so cute. Gan is trying to protect her Billy-willy.”
“Aren’t there some lumberjacks around for you to proposition?” I spat out of the corner of my mouth.
Oddly enough, despite Gan’s twisted reasons for sending him, a small part of me suddenly felt a bit better. I knew that Nergui’s attack against me hadn’t been personal. He was a product of his culture. He lived to serve. It just so happened that, at the time, the fuckhead he served had wanted me dead. Now the situation had changed. Though I had absolutely zero intention of returning Gan’s affections, her interest in me had provided perhaps the first glimmer of hope I had seen so far this trip. Sally, Ed, and Tom are great; don’t get me wrong. I’d trust them - well Tom and Ed anyway - with my life. Nergui, however, was three-and-a-half centuries old. He could mop the floor with all four of us and still have plenty left in him to go a full twelve rounds.
“What about my friends?” I asked.
“The princess’s orders were specifically for you, Freewill.”
“Surprise, surprise,” I muttered under my breath. “Perhaps,” I said a bit louder, “but my friends are vital to my success in this endeavor (sorta). Their safety is my safety. I will accept your protection, but only if you agree to watch over them as well.”
Nergui appeared to consider this for a moment. Finally, he nodded. “If your cattle and the wh...”
“Don’t even think of saying it,” Sally snarled.
I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Whore had been Gan’s pet name for Sally.
“My apologies,” Nergui said evenly. “If the Freewill’s advisors are important to him, then so too shall they be to me. I offer my protection to you all.”
“Did he just call us ‘cattle’?” Tom whispered behind me, followed by, “Oof!” as Ed elbowed him in the gut.
“We gladly accept,” Ed replied.
“Awesome!” I cried. “I’m happy to hear I don’t need eyes in the back of my head in case these monkeys decide to try anything.”
“Be wary, Freewill,” Nergui said in a low voice. “Treachery need not come only from the Alma.”
“What do you mean?”
Nergui gave a quick look around and then simply replied, “It is not my place to speak further of this. I simply offer you the warning.” With that, he turned and beckoned us to follow.
Great, as if I already didn’t have enough to worry about.
* * *
Nergui led us across the crude village. As we walked, I could hear a bit of a commotion going on up ahead. One didn’t need vampire hearing to be able to pinpoint it. Standing in front of one of the huts was a tall, well-built man. He had dark hair and a pencil-thin mustache of the variety that had gone out of style with Prohibition. He was busy bitching out some others who stood around him. My command of languages other than English is somewhat less than stellar; however, I had seen enough Pink Panther movies to surmise he was speaking French.
“Let me guess,” I said out of the corner of my mouth to Sally, “Francois?”
Suddenly his head swiveled in our direction. Oh, shit! I keep forgetting that older vampires likewise have superior senses. Since this guy was supposedly even older than the Khan, he could probably hear a fly taking a shit from a hundred yards away. He wasn’t the most physically imposing creature I had ever seen (especially not with nine-foot apes wandering about), but there was something cold in his eyes. He hadn’t even blackened them, yet they held a kind of darkness to them. I’m no psychoanalyst, but if I had to guess, I’d say Frenchy here was batshit insane. How wonderful.
I didn’t need to worry about Sally. She had more experience dealing with asshole elder vamps than I did. Instead, I threw a quick warning glance back to Ed and Tom (particularly Tom).
As we approached, all of the vampires in front of the hut stopped what they were doing and turned toward us. Most of them were focused on me, which was fine. There were a few salacious glances toward Sally, no doubt undressing her with their eyes, also not a big surprise. What worried me, though, were a few nakedly hungry looks toward my roommates. That would need to be nipped in the bud. My friends were strictly off the menu.
Nergui stopped in front of the group and gave a curt bow (noticeably less deep than the one he had given me). He then stepped to the side. “The Freewill and his advisors,” he said.
The one I presumed to be Francois stepped forward. This close, his presence had a decisively slimy feel to it. However, whereas Colin’s greasiness radiated a massive inclination toward ass-kissing, this guy was far more ominous. I sensed (don’t ask me how...I’m still new to this vampire thing) that he would literally do anything, no matter how depraved, to further his own agenda. Of course, that could all be bullshit and maybe I was just psyching myself out due to James’s warning. Whatever the case, though, I had learned in the past year that a little paranoia wasn’t exactly a bad thing.
He looked me over, shot Sally a sideways glance, and then gave a sniff, barely laying his eyes on my friends, as if they were beneath his contempt.
“You are the Freewill?” he asked with just the slightest accent.
Since I had been raised to always put my best foot forward (As Dad always said, let the other person be the asshole first), I held out my hand and said, “Yep. I’m Bill.”
He gave me back a sour smile as if I had just used that hand to wipe my ass. Ah yes, douche bag status confirmed.
“There are a few things you should be aware of,” he said, ignoring my hand. “Regardless of what you have been told, I do not care if you are the Freewill or the second coming of Moloch himself (???). I rule here. Respect that and we will get along fine. Cross me and I will stake you with your own spine.”
Before I could even think about it, my mouth opened on its own. Apparently, my subconscious has an automatic defense mechanism against shit heads. “Eh.”
“Excuse me,” he replied.
“You forgot the ‘eh.’ You said you rule here. Well, this is Canada. You should at least speak like a Canadian, eh.”
His eyes narrowed at me, but I continued drawing upon my lexicon of Canadian language, learned from multiple viewings of South Park. “We traveled all this way, eh. I mean it’s aboot time we arrived, eh. You’d think you hosers would be a little more hospitable, eh.”
Francois’s eyes darkened and I could see his fangs extending. Fortunately, two things stopped him from outright killing me right there. First, Nergui’s hand flew to the hilt of one of his daggers. Secondly, flunkeys or not, a few of the vampires behind Francois chuckled at what I said.
Francois quickly turned his head and hissed at his lackeys. Silence resumed amongst them. Regardless, the moment was over (which was good. Considering Francois’s age, I wasn’t entirely sure even Nergui would be able to stop him). When Francois turned back to me, his eyes had resumed their normal color. To my surprise, a smile actually crossed his lips. That didn’t exactly inspire my confidence.
“Your reputation for having a quick, if somewhat crude, tongue is well earned,” he said.
“What can I say? I like to make an impression.”
“I can see that.”
“This playful banter aside, I’m not here to make waves. I just want to do my part so we can hash out a truce with the Sasquatches. Once that’s done, I’ll go home and you can keep Canada.”
“Yes, of course. We’re all on the same side here,” he replied in a tone that implied he and I weren’t even remotely on the same team. God, what a creep. Even if James hadn’t warned me about him, this guy would still be giving me serious douche-chills.
“Cool,” I said. “Is Alex here yet? I’m thinking we should all sit down and discuss things. I want to make sure I know what to say and such.”
“Alex?” he replied, raising one eyebrow.
“Interesting. I know of no Alex.”
Hmm, that was odd. Still, this guy looked like the sort of stuck up prick that would barely notice anyone beneath him in rank.
“OK then, what about the negotiators that were being sent in? Maybe Alex will check in with us later.”
Suddenly Francois’s face took on a look of concern...mostly. I’m not too good at reading subtle expressions, but I’d have sworn his eyes were twinkling with laughter. “Haven’t you heard?”
“Heard what?”
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