“Freezing,” she replied. “But unlike you, I’m not a wuss.”
“Good for you, ice queen.”
We began to walk again. The river had completely turned me around. As far as I was concerned, we were hopelessly lost. Sally, however, didn’t waver for a second before picking a direction and setting off in it. Who knows? Maybe she really had been a Girl Scout after all. Of course, it was possible she had as little clue as I did and was just faking it. Still, it beat just standing there on the riverbank like two lost idiots.
“Think they started without us?” I asked, catching up to her.
“No doubt. Hell, Francois’s men probably broke open the champagne when they saw that you weren’t there to stop them from selling us out.”
“Maybe Ed and...”
“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Sally replied. “They’re humans. Without you around, they’ll be given about as much consideration as two talking gnats. I’m hoping Nergui didn’t even let them go. It’ll be safer for them.”
“Ooh, is that worry I hear in your voice? Sally and Eddie sitting in a tree...F U C...”
“Finishing that thought would be detrimental to your health,” she growled. Suddenly she stopped, so abruptly that I almost walked into her.
“Relax, Sally. I was just joking,” I said.
She turned and gave me a condescending look. “You need to try better than that if you want to ruffle my feathers.”
“Then why...”
“A scent, two of them actually.”
“What is it?”
“You want the good news or the bad news?”
“I’m an optimist at heart. What’s the good?”
“I think I smell vampires.”
“And the bad?”
“We’d better start walking a little faster. I think it’s about to snow.”
* * *
Snow was an understatement. One minute nothing, and the next we were walking in a winter wonderland. If you’re thinking it did nothing to help warm me up, you’re correct. Fuck this shit! Once I got back to New York, I was locking myself away in my office with a week’s supply of blood and a space heater.
We doubled our pace. The way it was coming down, it wouldn’t be too long before we were wishing for snowshoes. Considering that Sally was unlikely to want to share body heat any time soon, that meant we had best track down the vamps she had smelled. I just hoped they turned out to be friendly.
* * *
“We’re close. Just up ahead,” Sally said.
I still couldn’t tell the scent of other vampires for shit, but there was nothing wrong with my nose. I took a whiff. “I think I smell...”
“Diesel,” she finished for me. “They might have a truck.”
“As long as the heater is working, I don’t care if it’s a fucking Smart Car.”
We moved more quickly, eventually breaking out into a full run, slippery ground be damned.
After a minute or two at that pace, Sally hit the brakes. She came to a halt and I followed her lead.
“What is it?”
“They should be here.”
“Who?”
“The other vampires, idiot.”
“Doesn’t look like anyone is here to me.” I cupped my hands over my mouth and shouted, “Hello!”
“I’m pretty sure if we can smell them, they can smell us.”
“Well then, where are they? Don’t tell me you led us into an encampment of the world’s stupidest vampires.”
“Well then, they could crown you king,” she snapped back. She took another breath. “Oh, no.”
“I’m going to assume that’s not a good ‘oh, no.’”
Sniffing the air, she walked a few yards to the right. She stopped and dropped to her knees.
“So where are they?” I asked.
“Here,” she replied. She bent down and began brushing snow away from an area. Within a few seconds, the slush began to mix with something black beneath it. It looked like soot or...ash. “and here,” she indicated a spot close by. “Four more scattered about the place, by the smell of things.”
“Six dusted vamps?”
“Yep. If I were to place a bet, I’d say four negotiators...”
“And two bodyguards maybe?”
“Something like that.”
“Well I guess that mystery is solved.”
“Not really,” she said. “I think by now everyone assumed this is what happened. The question is not so much what as it is how and why.”
“Can you...err...sniff out any clues?”
“Do I look like Grizzly Adams to you?”
“Who?” I asked.
“Never mind. And you call me pop culture ignorant,” she said with a sigh. “I can try, although this goddamn snow isn’t helping.”
“OK, you look here. That diesel smell is pretty close. I’m going to go check it out.”
“Don’t wander too far. If have to come looking for you...”
“Yeah, I know, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
* * *
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wander far at all. I crested a small rise about fifty yards away and saw the source of the smell down below. It was one of those big ass Snowcats, like the ones you see on the Travel Channel when they’re off exploring the Arctic tundra. Goddamn assholes. They sent me a piece of shit station wagon that my grandparents could have owned, but these fuckers got a piece of prime tech. I was tempted to go back and take a nice big shit on each of their remains. Fucking Draculas!
My irritation aside, though, I realized that the Snowcat itself wasn’t the interesting part. It was both its condition and the surroundings that caught my eye. They told quite the story and it was pretty damn scary.
The Snowcat was lying on its side. It had somehow tumbled down into a shallow ravine. It was all beat to hell, but it didn’t look like the crash had caused it all. The doors on the top side of the vehicle were completely torn off. Either something wanted out badly, or something wanted in even more urgently. Judging by the pieces of twisted metal strewn about, it seemed like that latter scenario was far more likely.
What could...oh, who am I kidding? I knew quite well what could do this sort of damage. The wreck practically screamed that they had crossed paths with a couple of tons of pissed off forest spirit. I had little doubt Sally was now coming to that same conclusion. A bunch of Sasquatches had waylaid our team, dumped the truck end over end, and then gone after the creamy center inside. The vamps, not being complete idiots, had made a run for it. However, their pursuers had...wait a second. Running full out, most vampires can outpace a Bigfoot. James had told me as much back when we were in Mongolia. Then how...hmm, maybe it was an ambush. A few monkeys scare the vamps, then chase them right into the waiting arms of Turd and his minions. That sounded plausible to me.
I walked down to the Snowcat. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be getting us back to anywhere anytime soon. On the other hand, if the inhabitants had vacated the premises quickly then perhaps they had left some supplies behind. As I mentioned earlier, being a vampire means that I’m not all that worried about dropping dead regardless of the circumstances; however, I was still freezing my balls off. Hell, I’d settle for tearing apart a seat cushion and stuffing the foam down my pants...not that I need to stuff anything down my pants to impress the ladies. It would be strictly for warmth, you see and...
I let that train of thought go as I reached the vehicle and considered the best way to investigate. Oh, well, when in doubt go for the obvious.
Getting into the cab proved to be a snap. Not only were the doors ripped off, but the windows were all smashed too. Judging by the spray of glass, they had been broken outward. Now the picture began to get clearer. While something ripped apart the door, the vamps inside had taken the express route to try and run.
Looking at the cabin (which was quite a bit more roomy than the clunker we drove up in), I saw that I was correct. The previous occupants had vacated the premises in a hurry.
I saw bags of luggage and a large cooler stashed in the back. Suddenly I knew how my D&D character, Kelvin Lightblade, felt whenever he came across a treasure horde. Heck, I didn’t even have to kill any dragons to get it...yeah, all I had to do was dive in shit, run for my life, and then get swept down a river. Note to self: next time hope for dragons.
I tore open the luggage, hoping for a few simple items that might be useful. I didn’t need anything fancy. Besides which, showing up at camp all decked out in the regal finery of recently deceased diplomats might look just a wee bit suspicious. I didn’t relish the thought of Alex kicking my ass if that happened. Oh, yeah, Alex. He would want to know about this.
Of course, I had no idea how. For starters, I didn’t know if he was even still alive much less where he was. Secondly, what was I going to tell him?
Hey, Alex, I found the negotiators.
Where?
Uh...somewhere in the forest.
Oh, well, I’d cross that bridge when and if it became important. For now, I lucked out. I found a couple of coats and a few heavy sweatshirts. I stripped out of my still wet (and freezing, let's not forget that) clothing and put them on. They fit me OK, but Sally would be swimming in them. Oh, what a shame. Sally in clothing that was practically falling off of her...nice.
Up next was the cooler. Much like ours had been; theirs was full of pints of blood. I knew most vamps preferred it fresh; however, large as it was, there probably hadn’t been enough room in the Cat for a gaggle of human-sized snacks. Regardless, I was absolutely thrilled with the bottled stuff myself. I bit into one. It was still fresh. The cold weather had refrigerated them, while the cooler had provided enough insulation to keep them from becoming bloodsicles. I sucked down two, then grabbed another handful along with some clothes for Sally. Never let it be said I was a bad sharer.
* * *
I came back over the rise to see Sally seated on a log. She was holding something and had her head lowered to it. What the fuck?
Hearing me approach, she looked up in my direction. I saw the telltale smear of blood on her face that told me she had been in the middle of eating...err, something.
“It’s about time,” she said.
“Worried about me?”
“Not so much for you as worried that you fucked something else up.”
“Your concern is touching,” I said. “Beware of vampires bearing gifts. Here.” I tossed the bundle of clothes to her.
Though Sally hadn’t shown the slightest outward hint of inconvenience, she quickly pulled a sweater over her head and put a coat on. She gave me just the briefest look of gratitude - so quick I could have probably just imagined it - before beckoning me over.
“I have something for you too.”
“Ooh,” I replied salaciously.
“Not that, ass. I caught a rabbit while I was examining the area. I left half for you.”
I was touched that she had thought of me...grossed out, sure, but touched nevertheless. Still...
“Pass,” I said, opening my coat and tossing a few blood packs to her.
She caught them and gave me a glare. “You couldn’t have shown up with these things ten minutes ago?”
“Sorry. Didn’t know the dinner bell was ringing.”
“Well, thanks anyway. I hate rabbit.”
“Doesn’t taste good?” I asked.
“It tastes fine. I just can’t stand picking fur out of my teeth.”
* * *
I filled Sally in, both on what I had found and on my assumptions. She wanted to take a closer look, so we began walking back toward the disabled vehicle.
“So what did you find?” I asked, walking alongside of her.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Just six dead vampires.”
“Well, I didn’t expect the Bigfeet to stick around and gloat.”
“That’s just it. I don’t think they were ever there. There aren’t any giant footprints or damaged trees. There’s barely any sign of a struggle.”
“Ambush?”
“Unlikely. It’s too clean. Also, there’s no smell. I take it you’ve noticed that Grulg and our buddy Turd are somewhat on the fragrant side.”
“Oh, yeah,” I replied.
“Well, that kind of stink tends to stick around for a while. I mean, if I could smell those vamps, I should’ve been able to smell any lingering squatch-stink from twice as far away.”
We crested the rise and the Snowcat sat before us. I pointed it out, although a blind man wouldn’t have missed it.
“Well, whatever tore into that thing was definitely big and mean,” I said. “The damn thing looks like it was hit with a wrecking ball.”
“Mean, yes...but I’m not so sure about the big part.”
Her implications immediately clicked in my head. “Francois?”
“Yep. He might’ve been able to do this.”
“By himself?”
“Maybe,” she replied a little doubtfully. “It’s hard to say. I haven’t seen too many elder vamps go all out. To be honest, I’m not entirely certain what a vampire of his age can and can’t do.”
I nodded in agreement. Up until now, the Khan had been the oldest vamp I had ever met. Since the most action I had seen from him was shoveling food and drink into his fat face, that didn’t exactly give me too many reference points. Still, I had seen James a few times. If he decided he needed to kill a truck, I don’t think I would put my money against him.
By now, the snow was coming down even more heavily. I was still in favor of examining the wreck and the surrounding area, but things were rapidly starting to look like the North Pole, minus Santa’s merry workshop. Soon enough, we’d have a better chance of building an igloo than conducting an investigation, besides which I barely even watch CSI. What the fuck do I know about crime scenes?
Sally and I decided that getting back was more important, especially since the victims here were all beyond our help.
“I’m open for suggestions,” I said. “Maybe they have a GPS in the cab.”
“The battery would be dead by now,” she replied, as usual spoiling my plans with a little well thought out logic. “Follow me.” With that, she started walking toward the wreck.
I started after her, having no idea what she meant. For all I knew, she was planning on pulling off some kind of A-Team like stunt and fashioning a working snowmobile from the pieces. I mean, I had never seen Sally with a welding torch before...and actually I didn’t really fancy the thought of her with one. Still, that would be cool if...
However, that train of thought was derailed as she came to the Snowcat and kept right on walking.
“OK, so that’s your brilliant plan...just keep wandering aimlessly?”
“If I were as dimwitted as you, then yes. Fortunately, for us, though, I am just a wee bit smarter than that.”
“Well lead on then, Ms. Soooper Genius.”
“It’s pretty simple really,” she continued. “The Cat obviously rolled down this hill.”
“I could’ve told you that.”
“Yes, but what was it doing up there to begin with?”
“Well...err...I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Hence why you’re following my lead. Duh.”
* * *
Hot damn, Sally was right. We crested the hill the vehicle had tumbled down, and found ourselves standing on a dirt road. It wasn’t exactly a super highway, hell it was barely a wide trail through the trees, but it was a sight for sore eyes nevertheless.
“I never cease to amaze me,” Sally proudly proclaimed.
“I’d be a lot more amazed if you could tell me which way we’re supposed to go.”
“That way,” she said evenly and pointed.
“Let me guess, you have a fifty-fifty shot of being right?”
“A bit better than that.” She indicated down toward the wreckage. “The Cat looks like it rolled down the hill sideways. That means it was probably going the same way as it’s facing
now. Care to guess what’s waiting in that direction?”
“A whole menagerie of freaky creatures?”
“All of them no doubt wondering where the legendary Freewill has wandered off to. Well, let them wonder no longer.”
What Happened While I Was Out?
I’d like to say we made good time. If the weather had been clear, we probably would have. A vampire running all out could probably beat a car on a road like this. Unfortunately, a blizzard tends to be the great equalizer in these sorts of things.
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