“I already said I was sorry,” Sally purred. “Besides, didn’t I just make it up to you?”
“Does anyone have a stake handy, because I suddenly feel the need to impale myself on one?”
“Get over it, Bill,” Sally commented.
I took a deep breath and counted to ten. She was right. Getting all pissy about one of my best friends hooking up with a confirmed mass murderer could wait until we got back to Brooklyn. For now, we had bigger fish to fry. Though the possibility of all out war was seeming less and less likely, we needed to find out what Francois was up to and stop him before he handed Turd any more concessions on a silver platter.
“Fine. I will, as long as you two keep it in your pants for now.”
“We were just letting off a little steam,” Sally sniffed.
“Then you should have packed a dildo,” I replied.
“Well...”
“Too much information, Sally,” I snarled, before turning to Ed and saying, “No comments from the peanut gallery.”
Ed mimed zipping his lips, although he couldn’t quite keep the smirk off his face. Christ! And people complain that I act immature. Now was not the time for such infantile...oh, fuck it!
Who am I kidding? Like images of Sally and her battery-operated friend weren’t running rampant through my mind. My track record with women has never been great to begin with. Thoughts like that can definitely help a guy get through a dry spell, if you know what I mean.
Still, in times of crisis one must be able to keep one’s priorities straight. For right now, figuring out what Turd and Francois were up to was at the top of that list. Jerking off to thoughts of Sally...well, that could be tabled for a later time (and believe me, it would).
Changing topics, I asked, “Sally, did you bring Ed up to speed on our little adventure - assuming you weren’t otherwise occupied?”
“Relax. She did,” Ed said.
“Including how she and I took a bath in Sasquatch shit?”
Ed’s look told me she had left out that little detail.
“And I bet she didn’t even brush her teeth before kissing you,” I added. Oh, yeah, we were supposed to be getting back to business. I quickly added, “But enough of that, what do you two think about this mess?”
“Even a moron could see that they’re up to something,” Sally said, ignoring my earlier comment. “I just don’t see what sense it makes.”
“Maybe Turd’s forces are even stronger than we thought,” Ed surmised. “It’s possible that Francois knows it and is doing his best to placate them.”
“Sounds a little weak to me,” Sally said. “Think about it. If I had an army at my command - one that I was just itching to unleash upon Canada - it would take a lot more than an MP3 player and an offer of respect to keep me from turning this place into the killing fields.”
“I don’t know. Ed might be on to something,” I replied. “Why else would Turd make such a show about what was otherwise a minor offense? He could have been trying to force Francois’s hand.”
“Yeah, and maybe Francois has been offering more to him under the table,” Ed added.
Sally shook her head. “Then why kill the Draculas’ negotiators? He could have just told them what was going on and made them aware of the threat. Also, there’s Francois himself. Every time we’ve seen him, he’s been a smug little prick. The only time he lost his composure was when Bill kicked Turd’s ass, and even then he didn’t look worried, just pissed.”
As usual, Sally had a point. Francois didn’t act like someone who was desperate. If anything, he seemed far more like a puppet master. The only question was, whose strings was he pulling and why?
Before we could continue any further with that train of thought, Tom entered the hut with Christy in tow. Sally shot quick warning glances to us as they came in. Tom wasn’t the issue. I had known him since Kindergarten and he knew more than his fair share of embarrassing shit about me. Christy was a different story, though. I was fairly sure that, regardless of her good intentions as of late, she still had a long way to go before we were going to let her join our inner circle.
“Hey, Bill,” Tom said as way of greeting. “Glad to see you’re still alive after you left us high and dry.”
“Sorry,” I said. “Places to be, monsters to see. You know the drill.”
“Really?” he replied, taking a seat at the table next to Ed and pulling one of the bowls over. “Out in the woods, five hundred miles from nowhere and suddenly you have a social life?”
“Be nice, Tom,” chided Christy, once again unexpectedly coming to my rescue. “I think there’s enough going on here to keep us all busy.”
“If you say so, hon,” he replied, scooping a handful out of the bowl and beginning to munch on it.
Before this trip began, I wouldn’t have considered asking Christy for directions to my own bathroom for fear that she’d fireball my ass the second I turned around. However, adversity makes strange bedfellows...not that I’m into Tom’s sloppy seconds or anything.
“What’s going on over at your end of things?” I asked her.
She appeared to mull it over for a moment before replying, “It’s a little strange. Two days ago the Forest Folk were trying to rally us to their cause due to Ed’s...you know.”
“Fertilizing their garden?” I offered.
“Yeah, that’ll work. They even asked us to call up our master to discuss it with him.”
I frowned at the thought of Harry Decker getting involved. I doubt he’d need much convincing to act against me. “Good thing there’s no cell reception out here,” I commented.
“It was via magic mirror.”
“Lovely,” I spat.
“But that’s just the thing. They were beating the wars drums when yesterday it suddenly all changed.”
“How so?” Sally asked.
“Before today’s session, we started hearing that peace was looking more likely.”
“Really?”
“Yes. We all thought it odd, especially considering what happened between you and their leader.”
“Yeah, you totally rocked Turd’s ass,” Tom said.
“I really don’t want anything to do with Turd’s ass, thank you very much,” I replied. “Go on, Christy.”
“Well, I’m sure they told you that today’s mood was very positive all around.” I nodded at that and she continued. “Just a little while ago, I started hearing rumors that the treaty was almost hashed out. There’s supposed to be some sort of announcement tomorrow.”
“WHAT?” Sally and I both shouted.
“Christy’s right,” Tom replied, still crunching away. “I heard them say it too. Still freaks me out, hearing those things talk. Gives me Planet of the Apes douche chills.”
‘Well, I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked, giving both Ed and Sally a meaningful glance.
Christy, unlike Tom, however, wasn’t oblivious to these things. “What am I missing?” she asked.
Crap! I really need to learn the fine art of subtlety. Now I had a choice. I could stonewall her, which would probably be for the best, but would completely erase any goodwill we had built up. Or, I could spill my guts and try to hope she kept her mouth shut.
“Dude, what the fuck are you eating?”
Or, I could rely on a convenient save.
I turned toward the sound of Ed’s voice.
“What? It’s just that trail mix shit they keep giving us,” Tom replied.
“Does this look like trail mix to you?” Ed asked, holding out the bowl. It was full of grubs.
“Gross!” I cried out.
“What the fuck!?” Tom yelled.
Ed sighed, “I was afraid something like this might happen.”
Christy walked over to Tom’s side. “Something like this? What are you talking about?”
“Tom didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Before we came up here, we stopped off at vampire HQ in Boston and...”
Ed trailed off.
“And what?” Christy demanded.
“Tom got bitten by a zombie.”
“What!? Tom, why didn’t you tell me?”
Tom, looking a little green around the gills, replied, “I kind of forgot.”
“Oh, this is not good.”
“I feel fine,” he protested.
“That,” she indicated the bowl of bugs still in Ed’s hand, “is not fine. One of you should have said something,” she cried. All three of us males gave her sheepish grins back. Sally gave a casual shrug, as if to say she could have cared less (which probably wasn’t far from the truth).
Christy suddenly grabbed Tom’s hand and dragged him to his feet.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“You’re coming with me,” she replied, sounding close to panic now. “We can fix this. I know cleansing rituals. We’ll perform them all night if need be.” She began dragging him toward the door.
“But I feel...”
However, Christy was not to be dissuaded. She looked him straight in the eye and said, her voice indicating she was not taking no for an answer, “I will make this better, I promise...even if I have to burn that creature out of you.”
With one last look back at us, his face now mirroring the panic on Christy’s, Tom disappeared through the door of the hut.
For a moment, silence reigned in the room. Then Ed leaned back in his chair and casually asked, “OK, now can we get back to discussing the issue at hand?”
“Harsh, man,” I replied. “Aren’t you worried about Tom?”
“Not particularly,” he answered with a grin.
“Why not?”
To my surprise, Sally answered for him. “It’s because he swapped bowls while everyone was listening to Sabrina there.”
“You saw that?” Ed asked, impressed.
“Out of the corner of my eye.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I figured you probably weren’t ready to spill your guts to Christy quite yet...”
“True.”
“And also because it’s fun to fuck with Tom.”
Bemused grins broke out amongst us. It soon became laughter. After the week we had been having, we all needed it. Poor Tom.
Ninja Vampire Attack!
We decided that another mid-day expedition was in order. Considering our near miss the previous day, I originally assumed Turd would have his whole tribe up in arms about spies. After Christy’s news, however, I thought that less likely. If there was a big announcement planned, they would hopefully be otherwise occupied. It was a big risk either way.
Still, it probably couldn’t wait. If what we heard was correct, the negotiations were close to being complete. If we didn’t act now, then Francois’s fiendish plans (whatever they were) would be set in stone. Once a treaty was signed, the only way to undo it would be an act of war. The vampires weren’t going to risk that...hell, I wasn’t going to risk it. On the flipside, if a treaty were signed that essentially fucked us up the ass, that wouldn’t be particularly wonderful either...especially since I had a feeling I’d somehow wind up getting blamed for it. Asshole vampires!
Tom was still out being unzombified (and yes, it was still funny), and this time Ed wasn’t about to be dissuaded from coming along, so we all turned in early...or late...the whole nocturnal schedule thing still has me screwed up (stupid Canadians with their idiotic short days). The plan was to wake up during the daylight hours and sneak out again. Hopefully, Nergui wouldn’t give us any crap about it. I’m not sure the excuse we used the day before would work with Ed around...although I guess we could always claim that we were bringing him along as a picnic lunch. Yeah, that might work.
Part one of the plan went...well, as planned. We rose just before the sun came up, dressed for the day, and prepared to head out. As a precaution, we left a note for Tom, in case Christy ever finished zapping him. It was purposely vague to be safe, but it would hopefully clue him in, although that was sometimes a tall order with Tom.
Unfortunately, as with most plans I make, part one was as far as we got before fate stepped in and took a great big steaming dump all over it.
Thus, when we finally stepped outside, it was only to be met by a trio of...ninjas?
* * *
I was just beginning to wonder when I had stepped out of reality and into a Sho Kosugi film, when realization hit. These (probably) weren’t real ninjas, just vamps dressed that way for daylight operations. When they saw us emerge, they formed up ranks, blocking our way.
“Um, excuse me, guys. I need to get past,” I stammered. The good one-liners are never there when you need them.
“I am afraid that is impossible, Freewill,” one of them replied in a French accent. “Our orders are specific.”
“Orders?”
“We are to keep you safe. It is rumored that there was an intruder seen in ze’ Sasquatch encampment. We wouldn’t want to put your life at risk at ze’ hands of those scoundrels.” Frenchy’s smarmy tone suggested no such thing. I should have figured Francois would have heard about our snooping and done something like this.
“Thanks, but I think we’re good. I already have a bodyguard,” I replied. Unfortunately, a quick glance beyond them confirmed that Nergui was nowhere in sight. Oh, crap.
“I am afraid that Monsieur Nergui has been called away on other ‘business,’” came the response in that same irritatingly smug tone.
“Oh, enough of this shit,” Sally said, stepping in front of me. “You have no idea who you’re speaking to. If I were you assholes, I’d get out of the way before...” *ZAP*
There was a crackle of electricity and Sally suddenly went down like a ton of bricks. Ed and I were by her side immediately. I looked up from her still twitching form to see that one of the pseudo-ninjas was holding a cattle prod. A thin trail of smoke came off of it.
“Oops,” he replied with a chuckle.
“I’ll give you an ‘oops,’ asshole,” Ed growled. He ran back into the hut, reappearing a second later, shotgun in hand.
“Hold it!” I quickly said. Gripping Sally with one arm, I got back to my feet, then stepped between him and our black-clad ‘friends.’ “Let’s all relax here before someone gets hurt.”
“Someone already got hurt,” Sally growled, already shaking off the effects of being tased.
“You know what I mean,” I snapped. Still keeping a firm hold on Sally (and only barely noticing that my arm just so happened to be wrapped around her breasts...they were firm yet soft at the same time...err, anyway), I stepped back into the hut, motioning for Ed to follow.
Only once we were back inside, did I release her. She immediately rounded on me, black eyes, fangs and all. I instinctively took a step back. Tiny or not, Sally was not on the list of people I wanted to tangle with.
“We could’ve taken those...” she started to say.
“Shhh!” I replied. Then in a much lower voice, “Don’t forget they can probably hear us.”
“I don’t care,” she hissed. “I’m getting my gun.”
“I’m with Sally,” whispered Ed. “Three on three, and us with the boom-sticks...I kind of like those odds.”
“I don’t care about the odds,” I replied, half-amazed to be the lone voice of reason. “But if you two open fire like this is the fucking O.K. corral, every vamp, wizard, monster, and blob in the area is going to hear. Think about it. Even if James shows up, he’s going to have a hard time convincing everyone that we haven’t gone nuts. Best case: they kick us out of here and Francois wins. Worst case: they kill our asses...”
“And Francois still wins,” Ed said, lowering his gun. “I hear you. So what then? We just sit here and act like good little prisoners?”
I shook my head. “No, we can’t afford to do that. I think we should wait them out for a while, give them a false sense of security, and then try sneaking out the back.”
“There is no back.”
“This place is made of shit-covered
twigs. We’ll make a back.”
“Or,” Sally said, walking past us. “We just kill these fucks quietly. That’d work too.” She went over to the table and ripped one of the legs off. She turned back toward the entrance, makeshift stake in hand.
I quickly stepped in front of her. “You need to relax, Sally.”
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