Tears blurred my vision and my work ground to an instant halt. It was hard to think about Molly this way. The intensity of my love for her burned like molten metal in my heart. She’d brought me out of darkness like a torch left burning in the night. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but before her…I had given up. I was marking off days until life ended with no other concern than making sure I didn’t make myself a burden. She’d changed all of that. My life was forever altered because of her love, and I shuddered in horror at the thought of losing her. Unbidden, Molly’s voice rolled through my head.
Joe…you can’t control everything. If something goes wrong there’s not a lot you can do.
I sat in the chair silently and after a few minutes my hands started working again. As calm returned, I rolled her words around in my head. The simple truth of the matter was that she was right. No matter how much I tried to protect her, there were no guarantees that I would be able. I hadn’t been able to the first time. It didn’t stop me from torturing myself with the lie.
Jessica and Jack.
The names still tore through my heart. But they lacked the full force that they once had. It wasn’t that I was getting over their deaths. I don’t think the pain of loss that deep ever really goes away. The pain was still there, but I no longer let it control me. Instead, being with Molly was showing me how I could keep living. The undeniable truth was that I wanted to be with Molly. To live our life together and give her every part of me. Setting my things down on the table, I grabbed my keys and headed out to my truck.
I was going to give Molly what she wanted: my whole heart. In order to do that, I had to do something for myself first. I had to move on, leave the past where it belonged.
The drive across town took less time than normal with most travelers already home for the evening. The cemetery was locked when I arrived, so I drove around and parked near a side gate. It wasn’t open but there were two loose bars near it that I could just slip through. I’d found this security flaw shortly after the funeral. It’s amazing what you discover when you wander outside a locked cemetery for five hours.
It was pitch black inside, but I had a small flashlight with me. I kept it low to the ground to keep from attracting attention from anyone passing by. I could have found the graves in total darkness. In no time, I was standing in front of them and I sank down into the cold wet grass above them.
“Hey, Jess, hey, Jack. Sorry to bother you guys so late, but I need to talk.” Realizing how ridiculous it was to apologize for the time in a cemetery, I paused. Their constant presence had always felt very real to me, and I took a moment to gather myself.
“Jack, I miss you, boy. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that we could have traded places. You had all that unlimited potential. It isn’t fair that you didn’t get a chance to experience everything that life has to offer. I want you to know that I’ll never forget you. I will always love you. I may not get out here to visit you as much as I have in the past, but I want you to know that isn’t because you mean any less to me. I have to start taking care of myself and those around me now. I hope you understand, son.”
Tears were flowing down my face and I let them fall. There was nothing that would stop me from coming to visit him, but I was finally truly saying goodbye to him. I heard a sob and realized it was coming from me. I was finally ready to let him go. They’d buried my boy years ago, but I had carried him with me every day since. Now I felt ready to lay him to rest.
Laying my hands on his tombstone, I leaned into the heavy marble and locked my arms around it in a crushing embrace. The stone seeped the warmth from my body, but I held onto it until my shivering made it to difficult. Rising, I walked around rubbing my hands to get the blood flowing again. When I was warmer I turned to look at Jess’s tombstone.
“I haven’t really been fair to you.” The words tumbled out of my lips before I even had a chance to think. Taking a deep breath, I fought against the rage inside and tried to get out what I needed to say. “Bethany defended you more than once and I was just too damn stubborn… full of too much anger and pain to listen. It was easier for me to build you up like some monster that killed our baby. But that isn’t fair…and it isn’t true. I can see that now. You were sick, and needed my help and support. But you were too scared of me judging you to ask me. I have hated you for what you did, but I was also hating myself.”
Reaching down I picked some leaves from the top of her headstone and tossed them aside. From inside my pocket I took my wedding ring. Twisting it around in my fingers I stared at it for a while.
“I remember everything, Jess. The good memories along with the bad. I can say that now. It isn’t just the accident and the aftermath. I remember how excited you were when we found out we were pregnant. How angry you were when I showed up late for our wedding. The pizza nights when we would skinny dip in the pool behind your parents’ house. It wasn’t all good but it wasn’t all bad either. I loved you…and I think you loved me. What happened to you wasn’t fair. My hatred of you wasn’t fair either. It was an accident. You didn’t do it on purpose. I know you would never have left me or harmed our baby. I’m sorry, Jess. I hope that wherever you are you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
Digging my hand into the turf I made a hole about six inches deep and dropped my wedding ring into it. Tamping the divot back in place, I stood and let the tears flowing down my cheeks fall onto the graves. Standing there, I felt a warm wind blow away the cold for just a moment, or maybe it was my imagination.
I CALLED SHOTGUN in the six seater Cessna, but was only awarded the seat when I threatened to puke all over the plane. I’d never flown in a small plane before, and I found the entire experience exhilarating. Though the pilot insisted he needed the legroom, Sanchez had to fold his giant frame into the back. He didn’t complain, but he never complained…ever…so I had no idea if he was upset or not. I figured that my lack of upchucking made it a win for everyone.
Though David had sent a limo driver to pick us up, we blew him off when we spotted Dan waiting just on the other side of the security doors. Looking casually elegant as always, Dan breezed forward all smiles and hugs. He positively fussed over my belly and was the first person besides Joe that touched my stomach without me feeling violated.
“Well? What’s the verdict? Pink or blue?” He asked, his eyes dancing spritely.
I grinned at his contagious excitement. “Both!”
“Oh my God!” He cried, as if ready to burst. “I can’t believe it.”
I quickly introduced him to Sanchez, and both men refused to let me carry anything but my purse.
I texted Joe that we’d landed, knowing he’d be anxious if he didn’t hear from me. As Dan pulled out of short term parking and onto the road, he gushed. “A boy and a girl. Oh, Molly. You’re so lucky!”
It was the first time anyone had framed the situation in that manner, and it gave me pause. I remembered Dan saying more than once that sometimes he wished he’d played it straight long enough to have children. That realization sobered me up. I spent a great deal of time thinking of our accidental pregnancy as a curse, when it would be the biggest blessing imaginable to many couples.
“Thank you.” I replied quietly.
He frowned and gave me an admonishing side glance. “What are you thanking me for?”
“No, really, Dan. I needed a wakeup call.” He blinked at me in surprise, and I turned to look out at the scenery. Seeing the swaying palm trees and historic architecture, invigorated me, and I suddenly had my second wind.
“I’m starving. Where are we going to eat?” I asked.
“You mean you aren’t cooking for me? What the hell good is it to have two chefs as houseguests if they won’t take it out in trade?” Dan joked.
“Tomorrow night.” I shot back. “Tonight, I want to be waited on. What about you, Dirty S?’”
He nodded.
“I’m sorry…did you just called him Dirty S? As in Dirty Sanchez?”
Dan’s eyes flew wide and his lips curled up in a Grinch-like smile. “You tolerate that from this little monstrosity?”
“She’s the boss.” Sanch replied, but with an unmistakable smart ass twinge in his voice.
“You might have a lawsuit on your hands.” Dan drawled.
“I record all of our conversations.” Sanchez volleyed his response like an ace serve.
“Oh, I like him.” Dan quipped, making an abrupt U-turn. “I know exactly where to take y’all to get your wine and dine on. Or in your case Molly…just your dine.”
“Go ahead and rub it in, why don’t you?” I shot back.
“We’re drinking wine tonight, sweetie. You won’t miss it, being a Shiner girl.” Dan loved teasing me about my penchant for simple beer over his pretentious vintages. I would’ve chugged Boone’s Farm if it would alleviate my lower back ache, but my doctor said the safest course of action was absolutely no alcohol during pregnancy.
I sulked, and threatened to take video of them acting idiotic if they had too much fun. The moment we got out of the car, I took his keys, planning to be the designated driver for the remainder of the evening. Sanchez had only been of legal age to drink for a few months, so the novelty hadn’t worn off yet, and Dan was a notorious lush.
Dan had parked in the lovely Strand Historic District right down the street from the Opera House. Sanchez snapped a few pictures of the buildings as we wandered down to a restaurant called Rudy and Paco’s. I was in love the minute we stepped inside and I smelled the delectable scents wafting in our direction. We were seated quickly by a host that recognized Dan as a big deal on the Galveston food scene, and he explained Rudy and Paco’s specialized in seafood and South and Central American cuisine.
The ambiance was fantastic. It somehow straddled the line of whimsical and elegant, and the entire time we were there, I really wished I’d brought Joe along. I felt the unfamiliar ache of longing I used to have when I was a girl and hadn’t seen him in a while. Back then, it would have been impossible to believe I’d ever want to spend a night away from him. I still didn’t, but I understood the importance of our time apart, and moped into my iced tea as I watched Dan give Sanch a mini wine lesson.
I wasn’t mad at all about Joe’s outburst at Tamryn’s. Far from it. The word relieved might have captured my reaction much more accurately. Honestly, everyone there had the ass chewing coming, including me.
Joe had been wound so tight that he simply snapped back like a rubber band, but instead of lashing out and hurting me like Draven would have, Joe’s thoughtful and controlled chastisement reminded me of what he’d been like before. Confident, honest, strong. It was like for a few precious minutes he’d forgotten that he’d once been defeated by life. Like he was ready to just hop on a board and ride a monster wave. I wanted him to have time to reflect on what that moment had felt like. I also needed him to see that I could be out of his sight without some handlebar mustache-twirling villain tying me to the nearest railroad tracks.
“So…what are we naming these babies?” Dan asked, and Sanchez leaned in to hear my response.
“Well, for a girl I want to name her Lola…but Joe said it reminds him of the song and he thinks that his daughter being named after a transsexual would be a bit awkward”.
Dan sighed. “You need to bring him down for Mardi Gras. We’ll tie him up to the drag queen float and brainwash him into seeing things your way.”
Sanchez sniffed, and when I glanced his way, he was smiling.
“He liked Henry for a boy. But I told him it was as “little old man” as that truck he drives. So I think we’ve decided that he gets to pick our daughter’s name and I get to pick our son’s.”
“I’m so scared for your children.” Sanchez remarked, and I blew my straw wrapper directly at him.
“Now, kids. This is why we can’t have nice things.” Dan scolded us. “It’s all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out.”
“That’s what she said.” Sanchez replied just as I took a long gulp of my drink, and I nearly shot iced tea out of my nose. Dan and I both giggled and Dirty S. turned beet red.
“I believe Stacy’s rubbing off on you.” I smiled and then my eyes shot wide at how bad it sounded.
“Dirty!” Dan critiqued, and I laughed a little. I noticed a slight headache forming behind my eyes. I figured it was mostly likely from the motion sickness and cabin pressure shifting on the plane. Since having a nice drink like a civilized adult was out of the question, I dug in my purse for some Tylenol.
The dull throb eased up by the time our food arrived. I ate every single morsel of my pan seared potato encrusted trout with lemon sauce and fought back the urge to lick my plate. By the time we shambled back to Dan’s car and I drove the men down Seawall Boulevard to the high rise building, I was ready for bed.
“Holy shit, Dan!” I murmured as I parked in the massive garage. As we walked through the impressive lobby and made our way up to his apartment on the eleventh floor, I grew more and more astonished.
“Home sweet hovel.” Dan called as we wandered into his impressive condo. Though it was pitch black outside, I could tell that the panoramic view from his balcony would make me green with envy once the sun rose.
I put my hands on my hips. “How the hell can you afford this?”
“I’m in high demand. David knows he has to take care of me.” He referred to his restaurateur brother as if he were a sugar daddy.
“Thanks for the tip. I’ll file that away for tomorrow.” I quipped, referring to our business negotiations.
“It helps that the Emerald by the Sea has a wine room.” He explained, referring to his high rise building respectfully by her given name. “I do a few hours of selecting and ordering a week and offer a couple of classes every month to offset some of the fees.”
“Snow birds like to drink.” I nodded sagely.
“Everyone likes to drink.” Dirty S. added, reappearing from the back hall. “I put your bags in the guest room closest to the bathroom.”
“You’re a golden god. Thank you.” I replied with a joint stretching yawn. “I have got to get some sleep, y’all. My entire body hurts.”
That night, I was sure I’d pass out the minute my head hit the pillow, but I wasn’t used to sleeping without Joe. The bed felt clinical and cold, and I tossed and turned a while, eventually digging an extra pillow out of the closet to cuddle up with. Finally, I drifted off to sleep, missing my man and hoping he was getting more rest than I was.
By the time I finally pulled myself out of bed the following morning, the sun was high in the sky. Feeling a lurch of panic, I hurried out to the open concept living room/kitchen/dining room and was momentarily distracted by Dan’s jaw dropping view.
“Morning, sleepy head.” Dan called from the living room chaise, a coffee mug clutched in his hand.
“Shit! Why’d you let me sleep so long, Dan!” I cried, hurrying into the kitchen for a cup of his famous gourmet bean juice. Even if it meant it was the only caffeine I got all day, I needed it for medicinal purposes.
“Relax, sweetie. David texted me this morning and said he wants to do a lunch meeting at Madeline’s. I figured y’all would get up when you were ready.”
Sanchez stumbled out of the hallway, grabbed a pop tart from the counter without toasting it, and collapsed into a seat at the table.
“Ya alright?” I asked, eyeing him curiously.
“Yeah. I haven’t really drank much since the honeymoon. Out of practice.” He croaked.
“Do you have eggs?” I called to Dan, wandering into the kitchen.
“Of course. What do you think this is? Lithuania?” Dan drawled, scrolling on his phone. I quickly whipped up some scrambled eggs and toast and I wandered out onto his wrap around deck. The wind coming off the water was a tad cold, but still far warmer than Austin. The view of the bay and the gulf was well worth the staggering price he’d paid for the place. Again, I pined for Joe, wishing he was here to see it with me. Dan appeare
d at the sliding glass door and let himself out to join me.
“Sanchez went to jump in the shower. I swear, if that boy weren’t married…”
I raised my eyebrows. “He’s a wee bit young for you, don’t you think?”
Dan laughed and batted his hand at me playfully.
“I’m twenty-nine, sugar. Don’t you remember?” He grinned, his tanned face contrasting fantastically with his whitened teeth.
“For the twelfth year in a row.” I nodded. We sat quietly for a moment.
“How are you, really?” His sweet eyes weighed heavily on me. “Have you heard anything about Draven’s hearing?”
“I got an email a couple of weeks ago from Elaine.” I said, dropping my toast on the plate. The mere mention of my ex-husband’s name chased away my appetite. “He was denied parole.”
“That’s great news.”
“For now.” I agreed.
“Afraid he’ll turn up on your doorstep again?” Dan asked, his expression telling me he most certainly was.
“I feel like Draven has a lot more to worry about than me these days.” I sighed, sipping my coffee, which was sadly lukewarm. “I’m a lot more concerned about the other man in my life.”
“Last time we talked, you mentioned that the two of you were going to see his psychiatrist…” Dan began, sitting his cup down on the small bistro table between us.
I nodded, pulling my hoody around me. “It was enlightening. He said Joe has made great strides since we got together, but he has classic signs of survivor’s guilt or post-traumatic stress. Abandonment issues, trust issues…it goes on and on.”
“Does any of that surprise you?” Dan asked. I shook my head.
“No.” I admitted. “I’d be surprised if he didn’t. “
“So talk to me, sweetie. Why do you look so blue?” Dan’s companionable tone eroded my walls enough to let him slip in sideways.
Mollywood (Carved Hearts #2) Page 19