Fuckface thinks it’s okay to call and yell at you. It’s not okay any more than it’s okay for you to slip the wrong meds into her soft foods at breakfast. Oops, did I say that?
As for “embarrassing” your husband . . . if Mr. Man isn’t embarrassed by his harridan of a mother, he’s surely not embarrassed by your fighting for whatever it is angry, semigroomed women fight for.
What to do? See #2. And then hide the pill bottles.
* * *
Dear Bianca:
My ex is a trans girl and I still have feelings for her, but we broke up because she wants gender confirmation surgery and I’m a gay man. Her dad has cancer right now and I want to be there for her and give her the support she needs, and I know she wants some physical comfort. How do I show her support in her current situation with her dad and her transition without sending her the wrong message? Help!!
Love you to bits.
Zach
Dear Zach,
My suggestion is, be as up-front as you can. Let your ex know that you’re there for her and her father, and can offer a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on, but not a dick to suck or a face to sit on.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
I have been married to the same man for forty years. I recently found out that he’s been texting his old high school girlfriend. I’m really upset and don’t know if I should leave my marriage.
Carol
Mobile, Alabama
Carol,
Leave your marriage because he’s texting his ex-GF? Really? What would you do if he was fingering the old bitch, burn the house down? Kill him in his sleep? I think you’re overreacting. First, if you’re married for forty years, it means hubby’s on the old-ish side; I’m amazed he knows how to text! My uncle Leon is seventy-three and he can’t figure out how to work the fucking coffeemaker. Second, WHAT is he texting? Are the messages intimate or just social? Third, WHY is he texting her? Do YOU communicate with him and pay attention to him? And finally, don’t worry about it. High school was at least FIFTY years ago. The ex-GF is an old bag; in fact, she probably shits in a colostomy bag. (Do you know how hard it is to find shoes to go with shit? You’re at a fund raiser, everything’s fine, and all of a sudden, whoops, splash, your shoes don’t match. How embarrassing.) My advice: ask hubby why he’s texting her. His answer might be a good thing for your marriage. But if you hate his answer, then by all means, burn the house down. With him in it, of course.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
We’re getting married this year. Any tips on making a gay wedding into a GAY wedding?
Andy & John
Brighton, UK
Dear Andy & John,
If you want to make it a truly GAY wedding, invite me! At your expense, of course. Fly me over first class, put me in the Ritz for five days, and provide twenty-four-hour nude room-service waiters. It’ll be beyond GAY (for me and my staff of twelve). If your budget won’t allow that, then go to Amazon.com, which offers an exclusive life-size Bianca Del Rio cutout available for such games as Bianca’s Lashes Are Falling Down, Pin the Penis on the Drag Queen, and Poop Chutes & Ladders! If you’re too cheap for that (you sent this letter standard mail and slightly damp), then, when you hit your knees, instead of praying, blow the priest. (Talk about eating the host!)
* * *
Dear Bianca,
Newlyweds here. Give us marriage advice. What’s your best tip?
Adam & Laura
Wirral, UK
Dear Lovebirds,
My best tip is at the end of my dick (so I’ve been told, mostly by relatives—my aunt June LOVES it) and I’m guessing so is Adam’s. I’m also guessing that because you’re from England, Adam isn’t circumcised, so you probably can’t see his best tip. My advice: find a doctor or a pair of scissors or use your teeth, which, given your “heritage,” I’m sure are sharp and spacious. Chomp chomp!
You’re welcome.
* * *
Dear Bianca Del Rio,
My girlfriend Laurie and I are big fans of yours. Thanks for always making us laugh! Laurie and I have been together for about a year, and we’re moving in together next month. There is only one thing that is a problem for me: Laurie has a huge, massive bush. It’s not even a bush, it’s more like a forest. It starts right below her belt line and covers her entire crotch and even goes down her thighs. I’ve asked her to wax, shave or even just trim it a little bit, but she refuses. She says she’s beautiful the way she is. And she is, but her hairy hooch is starting to become a turnoff. Any advice? (I think if I say, “Bianca said . . .” she might just listen!)
Tom
Evanston, Illinois
Dear Tom,
Turnoff? It must be exhausting, chopping through the Amazon rain forest just to find the happy hole. Do you need pygmies to help you navigate the bush? Did you ever run into Dian Fossey while going down on her? Have expeditions gotten lost in her vulva?
Next time you and Snatchsquatch are getting busy, keep your iPhone next to the bed, and when you start foraging for the fun button, say, “Siri, I need directions to Laurie’s vagina. I can’t find it through the pubic jungle,” or “Siri, I’m lost in the bush trying to find my girlfriend’s twat. If I don’t return, please tell my family that I love them.” If that doesn’t work, simply stop fucking her until she gets a ground crew to come in and mow the lawn. Eventually she’ll be so horny she’ll trim her trim, and you can go in! (But send the canary in first.)
BDR
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My husband and I are dog lovers (we have three, two Labs and a beagle) and we don’t like the way our neighbors take care of their dogs. Or rather, DON’T take care of them. They leave them in their backyard all day long, even if it’s raining. The dogs are left alone for 12 hours at a time, and they bark incessantly. We’ve spoken to them about this, and they say they love their dogs (they are well-fed and in good health) and it’s none of our business. What can we do?
Janie
Kansas City, Missouri
Dear Janie,
Your neighbors are right . . . not in how they take care of their dogs, but that it’s none of your business. So, what can you do? You can move. Find a house in a lesbian neighborhood; they have cats. Or move next to a bunch of Koreans; they have dogs, but only until lunchtime. Why am I bothering with your bullshit? I’m a busy woman.
Arfwiedersehen ☺
* * *
Bianca,
I have very recently started dating a cute, nice guy. Only issue is that he can’t stop spilling his guts. It seems too soon in the relationship for that. Suggestions?
Alan
Ft. Myers, Florida
Dear Alan,
When you say “spilling his guts,” do you mean he can’t shut up about his innermost thoughts, or that he’s had a discount colostomy? If it’s the latter, buy slipcovers, rubber sheets, and a case of Purell. If it’s the former, do what I do when dealing with someone who’s had too much therapy and can’t stop sharing: buy ear plugs. I have fabulous ear plugs that are invisible to the eye, but block out almost all sound. I haven’t heard a word my assistant Jamie has said since 2004!
BDR
* * *
Dear Bianca,
I don’t know if this is too personal, but here goes. I was trolling a gay bookstore recently and went into one of the booths in the back room to watch a movie. I stuck my dick through a hole in the wall and the guy in the next booth gave me a blow job. When it was over I looked through the peephole and realized the guy was my therapist. He doesn’t know it was me. I have an appointment with him next week. I don’t know what to do or say.
Don
New York City
P.S. One of the issues we’re working on is my sexual addiction.
Dear Don,
Wow! What a sticky situation. Literally. First of all, too personal? For me??? I’ll share pics of my colonoscopy with total strangers; nothing is too personal for me. I’d put my sex tapes on YouTub
e if only those pesky authorities weren’t watching me closer than Rush Limbaugh watches the Food Channel . . . Oh, wait a minute—my publicist is frantically signaling me to shut the fuck up . . . What? Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say sex tapes? Oh, my . . . I meant fashion tapes. I don’t have sex tapes. Duh. Silly me.
It’s entirely possible your shrink went to the bookstore just to see a movie and the film turned him on so much he was unable to help himself (to your cock). Do you know what movie he was seeing? (Finding Nemo?) Okay, it’s not entirely plausible. In fact, it’s not even remotely plausible.
Why don’t you just walk into the office and say, “Dr. Weinstein [I’m assuming], you’re supposed to shrink my head, not give me head.” If he laughs, you can probably keep him as your shrink. If he’s ashamed and jumps out the window, you can’t. No matter how this works out, look on the bright side: all those quarters are a tax write-off.
Good luck!
* * *
Dear Bianca D,
I’m a Yankees fan and my boyfriend is a Mets fan. We fight constantly. Who would you root for?
Eddie
Alpine, New Jersey
MOVIES THAT SHOULDN’T BE TURN-ONS
SCHINDLER’S LIST
Yes, the yard scene in the concentration camp had lots of nudity, but still—these people were running for their lives, not the lube.
THE BAD NEWS BEARS
Children? Really? Walter Matthau? REALLY?
DRIVING MISS DAISY
It’s about a ninety-year-old racist woman and her seventy-year-old black driver. Unless you’re a Republican with a fetish, not exactly a panty dampener.
MY LEFT FOOT
Watching Daniel Day-Lewis slide down the steps isn’t the kind of movie to jerk off to. Unless you’re Jerry Lewis (no relation), in which case you’ll raise money at the same time.
THE ZAPRUDER FILM
Yes, yes, yes, Jackie Kennedy crawling out of a moving vehicle in a pillbox hat (which never moved) is definitely sexy, but the plot is too dark to give most decent men a chubby.
Dear Eddie,
I’d root for Miss Louisiana. In the prelims she twirled a live gator to death to “I Kissed a Girl.” Bitch is fierce. I love sports.
Bianca
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My friend’s wife died a year ago, but he still uses her Facebook page (instead of creating one of his own). He doesn’t post a lot, but when he does it feels creepy. I want to say something to him, but don’t want to hurt his feelings. Any suggestions?
Alan
New York City
Dear Alan,
It’s more than creepy, it’s icky. If I want to hear from the dead, I’ll talk to my ex-boyfriend’s dick. Tell your friend to get off his wife’s page and onto a psychiatrist’s couch. And let’s face it, she wasn’t fun when she was alive.
* * *
Hi, Bianca
My name is Jake and I really need advice about my partner and my family. My family mostly accepts me for who I am (gay) but they are really mean towards my partner because he has mental health issues. My family are telling me that they will never be there for me if I go ahead and marry my partner, Ben.
But I always think you should just follow your heart no matter what anyone says. Please, Bianca, could you help me by giving me some advice?
I LOVE YOU.
Jake
Jake,
I’m not sure if being gay is the issue or being in love with a crazy person is the issue. The gay thing is nonnegotiable. As George Hearn sang in La Cage aux Folles, “I Am What I Am.”
Although to be grammatically correct, “You Are What You Are.” Which is in love with a crazy person. I say that instead of “mental health issues,” because “mental health issues” is clinical and boring, while “crazy” helps sell books.
Anyway, dating a crazy person is hard for families to accept—and rightfully so. But it’s your choice, not theirs. So if you want to date a man with twenty personalities, go for it. I just hope the personality you marry is rich and terminally ill.
BDR
CRAZY PEOPLE WITH SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
CHARLES MANSON: Crazy Charlie died while I was writing this book, and I’m really pissed off about it—not because the world will miss him, but because now I have to rewrite this entry and put it in the past tense and change the timbre and tone and jokes. Less breathing for him, more work for me. Not fucking fair! Although now I can let go of the terrible resentment I’ve been carrying toward him. Believe it or not, at age eighty-two and behind bars, Chas had a social life. That’s right—the bitch dated. In fact, a few years ago he nearly even got married. Incredible, I know. But what’s truly upsetting is that Charlie was an aging maniac with a sagging swastika and crummy teeth, serving a life sentence—yet he had a love life . . . and I’M ALONE. How is that possible? I can’t be that bad in bed . . .
THE MENÉNDEZ BROTHERS: With all due respect to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Lyle and Erik are the world’s most hideous siblings. And yet, while IN prison, they found love with women OUTSIDE of prison. Amazing. They’re kind of cute and the girls don’t have to worry about getting along with their in-laws.
O. J. SIMPSON: When he wasn’t busy stabbing waiters or cutting off his wife’s head, The Juice was dating Paula Barbieri. Whether in jail or out, The Juice’s juice is still the beverage of choice for many a thrill-seeking gal.
KIM JONG-UN: Yes, the Nutbag of North Korea has a wife, Mrs. Nutbag. Not sure what the attraction is, but I’m guessing the wife is just thrilled that compared to her hubby she can never have a bad hair day.
TOM CRUISE: Yes, her again. I’m not saying Tom is mentally-ill crazy, I’m saying he’s wacky in a fun way—and I’m saying that because he’s known to be wildly litigious, and I don’t want to get sued by the lawyers on the Scientology Spaceship. Even so, Tom has had three “wives.” I’m guessing the rich and gorgeous qualities outweighs the crazy . . . I mean wacky—in a fun way!
LIZA MINNELLI: The gay icon has been married four times—and at least half of her hubbies were gay, and the others were on the spectrum.
DONALD TRUMP: Yes, yes, yes, I know, he’s the president and he’s rich and he has a plane and all that. But be honest—would you fuck him?
MELANIA TRUMP, MARLA MAPLES, AND IVANA TRUMP: Numbers one, two, and three.
Chapter 3
People Who Hold Your Hair When You Vomit
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
HELEN KELLER
Helen; you’re in the way. Wrong person to take to a haunted house!
BIANCA DEL RIO
A true friend holds your hair when you vomit. The downside of day drinking is day vomiting.
© Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza
Years ago, Bette Midler sang a song called “Friends.” Ironic, in that that bitter cunt doesn’t have any, but that’s not the point. Someone else once said, “Friends are God’s way of apologizing for family.” I say, a friend is someone you tried to jerk off once but he couldn’t get it up so you made coffee and just hung out and talked. Lots of people had questions about friendship—many of which involved the phrase Am I obligated to post bail? This chapter is on the ins-and-outs of friendship. And the pulling out.
Dear Bianca,
My girlfriend and I have a question for you. Let me set the scene: You promised Lady Bunny you’d help her with food shopping for a big party, but then Barbra Streisand calls you for lunch to be her new BFF, which one do you choose?
Maya & Lily
Saigon, Vietnam
Dear Ladies,
Vietnamese lesbians? You’ve gone from carpet bombing to rug munching; I LOVE it! This is a no-brainer. If Barbra called while I was giving CPR to a drowning toddler, Li’l Timmy better learn to swim fast. Babs waits for no one. And I mean NO ONE. And by the way, who the fuck is Lady Bunny?
* * *
Dear Bianca,
I’m a retired librarian. My husband passe
d away four years ago. In order to save money, I’ve rented out the spare bedroom in my house to a male college student. (I live near the local university.) He’s a nice kid—pays the rent on time, studies, no drugs or anything like that, handsome, polite, well-mannered, etc. Problem is, he walks around practically naked almost all the time (very tight, skimpy shorts—and occasionally walks from his room to the bathroom completely naked). I’m 67 years old. I’m not sure what to do.
Lillian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Dear Lillian,
Fuck him!!!
* * *
Hi! Bianca!
I’m waiting for my girlfriends to show up to day drink. So here’s my question. I’m in HR and quit my job after my second kid. My kids are in day care and it’s taking a while to find a job close to home. I’m looking hard, and day drinking with friends here and there. Any advice?
Lisa
Hi, Sloppy!
You don’t need to be in HR, you need to be in Betty Ford. You have little kids, yet you’re home day drinking . . . what to do, what to do . . . hmmmm. Well, Drunkarella, assuming you prefer rum to rehab, here’s a coupla thoughts: 1. Sleep late, so the day drinking will become evening drinking and the neighbors won’t be able to see you vacuuming the driveway, carrying a bottle of Stoli and a pack of smokes, or, 2. Have your favorite bartender call Social Services and remove the kids from the house. It’s a win-win—the little tykes won’t have to worry why Mommy’s “napping” under the car, and your day drinking won’t be interrupted by needy little whiners.
Hope that helps. Bottoms up! (Which I only say to alcoholics and Andy Cohen.)
* * *
Dear Bianca,
Blame It on Bianca Del Rio_The Expert on Nothing With an Opinion on Everything Page 4