Dear Bianca,
I’m pregnant and any one of three men could be the father. What should I do?
Frannie
Houston, Texas
Frannie,
Learn to give a blow job. And if you use teeth, you will NEVER be in this situation again, EVER . . . Trust me.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My husband Peter and I have been married for five years but we cannot manage to ejaculate together. What should we do?
David
Antwerp, Belgium
Dear David,
Ejaculate with other people. I’m kidding, it’s obvious you’re both ugly and you’re not going to find anyone else.
Glad I could help.
P.S. Thanks for not submitting a photo.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My new boyfriend and I are both 18, and we just started having sex. He shaves off all of his pubic hair and body hair, and I don’t like it. He’s so smooth that when we go to the beach it’s like swimming with the dolphins. Even worse, he wants me to shave off my pubes and I don’t want to. Any advice?
Carl
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Dear Carl,
I agree with you. I like pubic hair. In fact, I put it in all my meals, like parsley or cilantro! It’s a real flavor saver. If you come to my house for dinner, when I say “bon appétit,” what I really mean is “bone appetite!” Pubic hair is there for a reason. To catch germs, and to prevent your junk from catching fire from the friction of intense fucking. Also, it’s helpful if you want to floss while sucking. (I love multitasking.)
I hate my gynecologist. He just doesn’t know how to hold me.
© Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza
Now, unzip your mouth and tell me that you love me. Okay, okay . . . yes, it IS Ryan Seacrest.
© Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza
Since your BF’s “grooming” his patch, why not bring in a stylist to do your do? Maybe a fade or a pageboy, or a clever little bob (which, by the way, is the name of a witty midget I once dated)? How about braids, so you and your BF can play German milkmaid and giant toddler?
I say compromise—he grows a little, you trim a little, and everybody’s happy. And by happy, I mean stuck to the sheets.
* * *
Hey Bianca!
I’ve recently been digitizing old home videos that my dad recorded when I was a baby. One of the tapes was for my first birthday so I thought it’d be a good place to start.
After about the first hour of video, the tape suddenly jumped to what looked like a WWII American nurse standing in a bar. That nurse was a stripper. My father recorded a stripper over my first birthday. Am I good? Do I need to go jump into an ocean with concrete shoes to escape this horror?
Thanks,
Nathaniel
Dear Nathaniel,
I wasn’t sure which chapter to put your letter in, the one about sex or the one about family. I decided to put it in the sex chapter because your letter is more creepy than homey.
Anyway, you’re more than good. You get to watch a cute baby dribbling strained bananas down his bib, AND a busty nurse dribbling jizz down her chin. Depending on your fetishes, you could jerk off to the entire tape. And with some creative Photoshopping you could probably sell it on Amazon. I’d buy it . . . Jamie, get the credit card!
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My new boyfriend and I are totally in love—but we’re also both totally bottoms. What should we do?
Alan
New York City
Alan,
I think the Yellow Pages people said it best: “Let your fingers do the walking.” Seriously, how is this something that never came up in conversation BEFORE you became boyfriends? Somewhere between “Did you see Bette in Dolly?” and “I once saw Kevin Spacey cruising a truck stop,” the words Are you a top or a bottom? should have tumbled out of one of your mouths. And once you figured out you were both bottoms, what made you think a monogamous relationship would work? How stupid are you?
FYI, monogamous is the key word in that last paragraph. Because in my opinion, unless you boys are happy with dildos, vibrators, cucumbers (fresh, farm-to-market), baseball bats, flagpoles, or NutriBullet, this is never going to work out.
I suggest you find a mutually agreed-upon third party with a big, serviceable dick, and let him pound your pussies while you two moan, cry, bite the pillows, and call out each other’s name. I hear Michael Fassbender, Liam Neeson, and Whoopi Goldberg are available (in no particular order).
* * *
Dear Bianca,
A couple of newlyweds moved into the apartment next door to me. I can hear them when they’re having sex (which is all the time), especially her. She’s a screamer. Bloodcurdling shrieks for hours on end. What should I do?
Jeff
New York City
Dear Jeff,
First, be grateful and quit being a cunt. You can afford to live in New York. Alone! Maybe she’s screaming ’cause she opened the rent bill. You want a real problem, how about when you smell food for days in the hallway only to find out no one was cooking. Your neighbor was dead. Once you experience that, we’ll finish this conversation.
Fondly,
BDR
* * *
Bianca,
My boyfriend came out as a trans woman, but I’m still a straight cis woman. Any catchy term for a straight girl dating a trans woman?
Jenny
Dallas, Texas
Jenny,
What a thoughtful question! I have such compassion for you and your situation. I hope you can soldier on and work this out. But to answer your question, the catchy term for a straight girl dating a trans woman is loser.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My boyfriend has a pencil dick. What should I do?
Dave
Austin, Texas
Dear Dave,
Practice your penmanship. And have a cigarette! Your letter shocked me; I thought everything was bigger in Texas. ☺ Seriously, if your boyfriend’s tiny tool is causing trouble in your relationship then I think you need to sit down and have an honest talk with him. Over a glass of Chardonnay, you could say, “Ling Cho, I love you very much, but our sex life is no good. When I’m ass-up, your gherkin ain’t hurtin’! Maybe we could bring in a third party to spice things up? Someone with a bigger dick than yours; you know, some guy who’s packin’ four or five inches.” Honesty is the best policy, Dave. I hope that helps.
If not, once a week tell him you’re going bowling and instead go loiter in a filling station men’s room in a black neighborhood.
Xoxo
BDR
* * *
Dear Bianca,
Would you rather fuck your grandmother or lose your penis?
Ed
Chicago
No discussion. Yes.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
I have a hypothetical question: Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day, or join in once, just to stop it?
Jeri
Newark, New Jersey
Dear Jeri,
Hypothetical, schmypothetical. Someone got a little too close to Mommy and Daddy during their special grown-up time, didn’t they? That’s a tough question. For starters, what do Mommy and Daddy look like? If they’re fat and disgusting, like most parents are, go in the bathroom RIGHT NOW and throw acid in your eyes. You’re much better off learning braille and crossing the street with a guide dog than ever seeing that again.
If they’re hot, I’d say watch every day and “accidentally” film it with your phone. Then you can “accidentally” sell it online. If they’re fat and hideous, you can “accidentally” film it with your phone and “accidentally” sell it to TLC for one of their freak series. And if they’re brother and sister, you can “accidentally” film it with your phone, then go to Arkansas and “accidentally” sell it to the Christian Broadcasting Network. And if they’re REALLY
hot, join in. But why only once? That’s no fun. From what I hear, Jeri, Mommy’s a cumdumpster. And Daddy’s a party bottom!
Bianca
P.S. Is that Jeri as in “Hall” or “Curl”? Honestly, I kill me!
* * *
Hey Bianca,
I’m 21 and a virgin and I am extremely scared of losing my virginity!! How do I stop myself from being so cock shy? Genuine question. I am TERRIFIED!!
Cheers love ☺
Florence M
Dear Florence,
Up until now, the most disturbing letter I received was from a young mother whose twin boys were eaten by lions when they fell into the Big Cats cage at the local zoo. But your letter is waaaaay more upsetting. Twenty-one and STILL never been laid? How is that possible? Mother Teresa was sucking dick by fifteen. And the lad was a leper. “Melts in your mouth, not your hands.”
Are you afraid because you think it will be painful the first time? If so, there are plenty of ways to break your hymen BEFORE you ride a cock. How about riding a horse? How about riding a bike with no seat? How about taking a yoga class and assuming the position “Downward Facing Loser”?
Having sex the first time is like swimming—you just have to dive in and hope for the best. What’s the worst that will happen? It’ll hurt? You’ll get pregnant? You’ll get syphilis and go blind? So what? Nothing worthwhile in life is without risk.
Go with the flow, Flo, go with the flow!
P.S. Don’t do it when you have a flow!
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My friends and I like to play a party game called “Describe Your Sex Life in a Movie Title.” I realize this isn’t really asking for advice, but . . . If you could sum up your sex life in a movie title, what movie would it be?
Danny
West Hollywood, California
Dear Danny,
JAWS. Nuff said.
* * *
Dear Bianca,
My boyfriend likes butt stuff, so I wanted to get him a butt plug or something. But they’re too expensive, so I found a dog toy at the dollar store that resembled one.
He loves it and always wonders where I bought it because he wants to buy another like it. Should I tell him it’s a dog toy?
Carol
Norfolk, Virginia
Dear Carol,
If his ass squeaks when he farts, he already knows it’s a dog toy. I say absolutely buy him another one. And another one. And another one after that. If he likes all this doggie stuff, sooner or later you won’t have to blow him, because he’ll have learned to lick himself. You can scratch his ears, shove a toy up his butt, and go out shopping with your girlfriends. When you come home, the deed will be done and all you’ll have to do is say “Good boy,” and give him a cookie!
You know, I have a date tonight but I don’t feel like waxing or shaving. Think I’ll stop at Petco on my way to the restaurant. Thx for your letter!☺
I have a question for you. Is a flea collar S&M, a medical necessity, or just an accessory?
* * *
Hey Bianca!
My boyfriend is trying to fist me, but we keep getting stuck at the last knuckle on his thumb. He’s 5'5″ and female-to-male trans, so his hands are pretty damn small already. Any advice on how to get it in?
Love,
Jared
Dear Jared,
Only 5'5″? I thought Ivanka was way taller than that. Besides which, don’t tiny hands run in the family?
The problem isn’t your boyfriend’s hands; the onus is on your anus. Time for a stretching exercise—kind of like a reverse Kegel.
Your asshole sounds like the WiFi in a train station—a long, dark tunnel with service that goes in and out. Since his “penis” hasn’t loosened you up, I suggest you try various fruits and vegetables; it’s the healthiest option. Start with frozen peas, tiny carrots, and baby cucumbers and work your way up to celery stalks and giant eggplants. Have a healthy hole! (FYI, don’t try this AT the supermarket. It’s been my experience that produce managers are judgmental bitches.)
If that doesn’t work, go to your local shoe repair shop and offer to blow the cobbler if he’ll let you borrow his shoe widener. Have a couple of cocktails and let your ass take a walk on the wild side.
You’re SO welcome!
* * *
Hi Bianca,
I’m James, I’m 23, and my partner’s 22 and pregnant with my baby. We got together while she was pregnant with an ex’s baby after he told her it was either their relationship or the baby (a beautiful boy). But me and my partner suffered a miscarriage last year and now we’ve found out she’s pregnant again, and as happy as I am, I am also terrified that she may miscarry again. I’m worried that there is something wrong with me (my mum can’t carry girls). I’m worried that I have defective sperm or something. I’m a big fan and I’m normally a lot like you—tough but kind to those I like (I’m an absolute cunt to those I hate)—so I just really want some advice from someone with your experience and look forward to hearing from you.
James
Newcastle upon Tyne, UK
James,
While I appreciate your compliments, you’re nothing like me; I’m an absolute cunt to people I actually like. Now back to your problem. “Defective sperm” won’t cause a miscarriage. Once the sperm fertilizes the egg, its job is over—just like Adore Delano, whom I beat to win Drag Race. Last I heard, the poor thing was spritzing perfume at a Macy’s in Oxnard. James, there are a lot of reasons for a miscarriage, but don’t blame yourself; blame your girlfriend. It’s HER uterus, for fuck’s sake.
What intrigues me about your letter is that you hooked up with your partner while she was pregnant (with someone else’s baby). I don’t care that it was someone else’s baby, I care that she was pregnant. That is some kind of crazy. It’s also some kind of fetish, preggophilia to be exact. That’s when a man (or woman) is attracted to a pregnant woman. Now, you don’t say how pregnant she was when you hooked up—first trimester? Second? Third? Was the baby crowning? If it was a later term, then you could have been sticking your dick in your GF’s vagina AND in the baby’s mouth. Technically, you’d be getting laid AND blown at the same time! Some people might think of that as creepy and weird—not me. I think of it as a three-way and at a really inexpensive family discount!
I hope your partner has an easy pregnancy and gives birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. And if not, I hope the baby is freakish enough that you can make money off it.
* * *
Dear Bianca:
I’ve gone on two dates with a guy that I really like. We haven’t gotten intimate yet, but we’ve talked about our turn-ons and things like that, so I know it’s coming. He told me he has a foot fetish and really, really, REALLY likes beautiful, sexy feet. I lost three toes in a lawn mower accident a few years ago, and don’t know how to tell him. Should I give him a heads-up, or just wait for the moment we get physical and hope he doesn’t mind?
Dan
Altoona, Pennsylvania
Dear Dan,
The first thing that comes to my mind is, UCCCH! Second thing is, never, ever, ever wear open-toed shoes. You might consider asking him to define beautiful, sexy feet. Find out exactly what that means to him. If he says “a full complement of toes,” then you need to tell him that three of your little piggies went off to the market. But if his foot fetish sounds more fetishy than you originally thought, then keep your mouth shut—and hope that he likes surprises!
Xoxo
BIANCA’S FAVORITE FETISHES
Everyone knows about the average garden-variety sexual fetishes, like voyeurism and bondage and baby talk and leather (although I’ve never quite understood the leather thing. Do you only get turned on by leather clothes—vests, chaps, hats—or do you pop a chubby in discount furniture stores or in the waiting rooms of Mexican doctors’ offices?), but there are puh-lenty of other, lesser-known fetishes that intrigue me:
AVISODOMY: Has nothing to do with rental cars, but ever
ything to do with chickens, hens, turkeys, and capons. Avisodomy is sexual intercourse with poultry, or as I like to think of it, the Pluck-n-Fuck, or Chick-fil-Laid. I don’t know if the birds are alive or dead when they’re getting stuffed, but I do know why Colonel Sanders keeps licking his fingers.
GERONTOPHILIA: Sex with old people. Nana-banging. When it’s over, does your partner remember whose name to call out? Does he yell, “Was it good for me?” Look at the bright side: If a man has a foot fetish and a nana fetish, imagine how much fun he must have when she takes her bra off and her tits hit her toes.
MUCOPHILIA: Exactly what it sounds like—an attraction to mucus. So attention, emphysema sufferers—chins up! Somewhere there is a special someone waiting for you to hock a loogie all over them!
PSELLISMOPHILIA: Arousal to stuttering. “I’m gonna c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cum.”
COPROPHILIA: An arousal to feces. I don’t get this at all. For starters, I NEVER wear earth tones. Second, what kind of shoes do you wear with loose stool? I’m guessing that if you tell a coprophiliac to “go shit in your hat,” not only will they do it, but then they’ll put the hat on, at a jaunty angle, like Sinatra, or parade around like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. They’ll stink, but they’ll strut.
COULROPHILIA: Sexual attraction to clowns. (And I don’t mean Donald Trump, I mean real, honest-to-God clowns, like Bozo or Ronald McDonald.) I kind of get it (look what I look like). You know what they say about a man with big shoes . . . Ronald McDonald is, of course, the spokes-clown for Ronald McDonald House, which helps children with cancer. Can you imagine being turned on by both circus clowns AND sick kids? Wow! That’s more than a weird fetish, that’s a fabulous weekend. Or maybe a long-term stay at Bellevue or Rikers Island.
Blame It on Bianca Del Rio_The Expert on Nothing With an Opinion on Everything Page 6