“Discretion” is Bianca’s middle name, which is why most people don’t know that she was indirectly responsible for some of the world’s most notable events. It was Bianca who advised Jackie Kennedy to “wear something absorbent” in Dallas; it was Bianca who told Michael Jackson that sleepovers were “tons of fun”; and yes, it was Bianca who said to schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe, “Of course you should go for a ride in the space shuttle; what’s the worst that could happen?”
Bianca felt that if her advice was good enough for them, it was good enough for you, the public. Hence, Blame It on Bianca Del
Rio: The Expert on Nothing with an Opinion on Everything, the first volume in what will be, God/Allah/Buddha willing, a series of advice books (guides to life, really) from a man whose rise to international fame is based solely on duct tape, maxi pads, cheap vodka, and gaudy makeup.
The author lives in Los Angeles but tours the world extensively, and is known to loiter frequent truck stops, filling stations, and mini-marts in shady neighborhoods.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Copyright
BLAME IT ON BIANCA DEL RIO. Copyright © 2018 by Bianca Del Rio. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Cover design by Lex Maudlin
Cover Photograph by Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza
FIRST EDITION
Digital Edition MAY 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-269088-3
Version 05032018
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269087-6
About the Publisher
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* “Runner-up” is a nice way of saying “loser.” When is the last time you asked a child, “So, Little Billy, what do you want to be when you grow up?” and they answered, “Why, Miss Gibson, I’d like to be the first or second runner-up in some mindless pageant or shallow, empty contest.”
* FYI, not ALL disenfranchised people are kind and loving and looking out for others. When’s the last time a homeless person stuck his head out of his box and offered to buy you a sandwich or a mocha latte Frappuccino? Fuck them. Just sayin’.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Chapter 1: I Found a Lump (Health & Grooming)
Chapter 2: Love Is a Long and Slender Thing (Romance)
Chapter 3: People Who Hold Your Hair When You Vomit (Friendship)
Chapter 4: You’re the Top! (Sex)
Chapter 5: Fuck Foster Care! (Family)
Chapter 6: Chew with Your Legs Closed (Manners & Style)
Chapter 7: Work It, Girl! (Paychecks & Pantyhose)
Chapter 8: Hit the Road, Bitch! (Travel & Vacation)
Chapter 9: TMZ or TMI? (Fame, Fortune & Fuckups)
Chapter 10: It’s All About Me (Me)
Disclaimer
Author’s Note
Another Author’s Note
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
Guide
Cover
Contents
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