“I’m so sorry!”
“Ya, I imagine you are. Next time don’t be in such a hurry.”
Zed’s laughter rang out from the kitchen again, and my face flushed. I was sure Rosalee knew the reason for my recklessness.
I slowed down, carefully propping up her leg, fluffing her pillows, and tucking the blankets and quilt around her and adding an extra layer of covers against the cold. I refilled her water glass and asked if there was anything else she needed.
She smiled then. “Just for you to go have some fun. Sorry I snapped.”
When I reached the kitchen, Luke, Ella, and Zed were sitting at the table with four decks of cards in the middle. “Dutch Blitz?” Zed asked.
I smiled, grateful to my siblings that I knew how to play, and play it well. Zed passed me the green deck, and he took the blue deck. I made stacks for my post, blitz, and wood piles, as did the others. Soon cards and laughter flew around the table, round after round. It was no surprise that Zed had the most blitzes, winning the first game. He was just so smart. We kept playing and although each of us won at least once, Zed was by far the most successful.
“Let’s play again,” he said, after he’d blitzed us for the tenth time.
“Are you kidding?” Ella groaned. “It’s off to bed for us old folks.”
She rose and began to clean up from the game, but I waved her away, insisting I would do it. Luke moved toward the woodstove to stoke it up for the night, but Zed did the same, telling him he would take care of that.
“The bed upstairs is made and ready when you are,” Ella told Zed, and then she and her husband headed off to bed. I knew I should get to sleep too, so as they continued up the stairs, I went into the dark living room to check the fireplace and retrieve my handwork. Once we’d started the game in the kitchen, we’d let the fire in here die down, and now just the embers still glowed, smoldering orange and black lumps of wood.
Confident it would continue to smolder until it went out, I was adjusting the screen when Zed’s voice interrupted me. “It’s freezing in here.”
“Ya. There was no reason to keep this fire going. It won’t heat the house the way the stove does.”
“Actually,” he said as he grabbed some kindling from the box. “I have a ton of studying to do tonight. I’d rather work in here on the couch than in the kitchen.”
I moved out of his way as he built up the fire, knowing I should go on to bed. Once he was finished, however, the tall crackling flames were so alluring that I couldn’t help but step toward the heat, extending my hands.
Zed joined me, standing just inches away.
The fire sent shadows leaping around the room. I concentrated on the flickering flames, but soon my cheeks began to warm—and not just from the heat. Zed was watching me, I was sure.
I glanced up at him. His eyes were on me and the look on his face was one I hadn’t seen before. There was both depth and tension in his gaze, mystery and perhaps even longing. He looked the way I felt.
Certainly, he’d never gazed at me that way before.
He nodded toward the couch. “We could talk for a little while.”
“Just for a few minutes,” I answered softly.
He sat on the couch, and though I would have given anything to curl up right next to him, I chose the opposite end instead, settling there and then turning toward him as we talked. Feeling suddenly awkward, I asked him to tell me more about the program in Los Angeles and his plans for his film. That led to a discussion about the costumes, and I shared with him the ideas I had had so far. The longer we were together, the more he seemed his old self, not the braggart he’d been the first time I saw him after I’d arrived. I was so relieved. Perhaps he’d just been trying to prove how much he had been learning at this new school.
Eventually, the topic of conversation shifted to Rosalee’s recovery. “She’s doing really well,” I said. “By Thanksgiving, I’ll be headed home for sure.” I knew everyone assumed I’d be taking the bus, but I hoped to be able to ride home with Zed instead. Such a trip, unchaperoned, might be questionable to some, but I couldn’t resist. Twelve hours to Lancaster County would give us so much time together, and he could relax and be even more himself.
Even if such a venture were frowned upon by the community, I knew my parents trusted us implicitly. Besides, if we left early and drove straight through, we wouldn’t be spending the night anywhere on the road. That should make the drive proper enough, even if some wouldn’t see it the same way. I considered proposing the idea to Zed now but then decided to hold my tongue, hoping he would come up with it on his own.
“Izzy?”
I jumped a little, realizing I’d been lost in my thoughts again.
“Are you about ready to nod off?”
Involuntarily, I yawned and then smiled.
“Go on to bed,” he said. “You look exhausted.”
“Are you sure?”
He gestured toward his backpack, which was by the door. “Absolutely. I’m going to study for a while and then turn in myself.”
I picked up my handwork bag and stood, just as he rose too. Then we both took a step at the same time. Our shoulders bumped. I froze. Turning to see his face, I expected an apologetic smile, but instead his eyes were intense as they met mine. At first I thought he was going to kiss me, and my breath caught in my throat. Then, after a long moment, he gently chucked me on the arm, as if he were one of my brothers.
That didn’t feel right, not at all. The notion of kissing Zed hadn’t crossed my mind for several years, but that had changed. My feelings had changed.
I had changed.
More than anything, I wanted him to kiss me right now.
“See you in the morning,” he said softly.
“Ya,” I answered. “See you then.”
For the next hour I tossed and turned in my bed, thinking about him and how Mamm and Daed still thought we were just friends. I was getting more comfortable with the idea of us being more than that, but I realized I still couldn’t share any of this with them. Not yet. Besides, if they knew how I really felt about Zed, they wouldn’t let me ride home with him.
Still, it felt deceptive. What would they say if they knew I loved Zed? As much as they respected him and appreciated him, I knew they would be heartbroken at the thought of my not joining the church, and I’d feel horrible that I’d caused their pain. I took a deep breath, reminding myself of how I’d come to peace about that by putting the whole matter of our differing churches into God’s hands and trusting Him to work things out according to His plan, not mine.
I couldn’t help but think of Ella and how naturally she fit in the Amish world. God had wanted her with Luke, and He was the one who helped make it happen.
Perhaps, in time, God would make this happen with Zed and me as well.
TWELVE
The old house moaned with the falling temperature, and toward morning I woke cold and stiff. My first thought went to Rosalee, and I slid from my bed, wedging my feet into my slippers and wiggling into my robe. I tiptoed to the closet outside my door and grabbed another quilt from the stack on the shelf. Then I headed across the hall to Rosalee’s room.
She appeared to still be sleeping, but as I spread the quilt over her, she opened her eyes. “How did you know I was cold?”
“I was, so I was sure you would be too,” I said, sitting down on the edge of her bed and tucking the quilt more tightly against her legs.
She gave me a fond smile. “What time is it?”
“Five or so.”
“What does it look like outside?”
I went to the window and pulled back the drapes. Yesterday’s ice had turned to snow, and now it was falling thick and fast. The sun wouldn’t be up for another few hours, but I could see pretty well regardless. The landscape had taken on that eerie, grayish-orange glow that can happen with snow sometimes, even in the middle of the night. Ella had been right—this was a big one. We’d received a good six inches already, and it was suppo
sed to continue for almost the entire day.
I described what I was seeing to Rosalee and then suggested she try to get back to sleep.
“I’ve been awake for an hour. I’d rather just get up.”
“Okay, but let me stoke the fire first.”
By the time I reached the kitchen, I saw that Luke already had it going strong, so told him I would start the one in the fireplace. I went to the living room and quickly arranged the kindling and paper. I reached for the matches, but they weren’t on the mantle. I turned toward the lamp, grabbed them, and then stepped back, startled. Zed was there on the couch, all sprawled out, his feet hanging over the far end, a text book resting on his chest. He had used his coat like a blanket but otherwise had no coverings at all. And the room was freezing cold.
I stood there and looked at him for a long moment. He was so adorable, all lanky and long, his dangling feet huge in their gray socks, his shaggy blond mane in dire need of a haircut. He seemed big and grown up, yet the expression on his sleeping face was as sweet and innocent as a child.
Oh, how I loved him.
I finally forced myself to turn away, praying that God would wake up Zed’s heart to his true feelings for me soon. Very soon. Mennonite or not, there simply had to be a way for us to be together.
I headed back into the kitchen, where Luke was pouring water from the kettle into the French press.
“Zed’s in the living room,” I said with a smile. “Half frozen.”
“We told him to sleep upstairs,” he said, putting the kettle back on the stove.
“Could you see to him?” I asked, though that wasn’t what I really wanted.
What I really wanted was to go back in there and slide in under that coat with Zed and wrap myself in his warmth and inhale the sandalwood scent of sleep from his skin. Better someone else go in my stead and get him out of there for me.
I hovered in the kitchen and listened as Luke did as I asked. A brief, low mumble of their voices ensued, followed by some shuffling and then a soft clomping up the stairs. It was so early yet, Zed would probably climb into the guest bed up there and sleep another five or six hours before starting his day.
I returned to the living room and started the fire. Once the blaze took, I moved back down the hall to Rosalee.
An hour later, she and I were both dressed and in the kitchen, sharing breakfast with Ella and Luke. Even though the sun had yet to rise, Ella made a comment about Zed sleeping the day away.
“He was up late studying,” I explained in his defense.
“Ach, the life of a college student,” Rosalee commented. “I’d hate it. Studying all night and sleeping all day sounds like misery to me.”
It didn’t to me, but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t help but yawn, though.
After breakfast, as the first light of morning finally began to appear, Luke and Ella headed off through the falling snow to the bakery. They didn’t expect any business, but they wanted to make sure the pipes hadn’t frozen during the night. I did the dishes, and then Rosalee and I settled into the living room, wrapped in quilts, and watched through the broad front windows as the day continued to dawn. We both had handwork to do, but our projects sat idle in our laps for a long while, each of us content to gaze at the snow- and ice-covered fairyland that was coming to life outside.
As the morning wore on, I fed wood into both the woodstove and the fireplace, doing my best to keep the old house cozy. Because Rosalee couldn’t move around, it would be easy for her to become chilled. That wouldn’t be good for her pain level or for her healing.
Zed finally appeared around ten, his hair disheveled and his clothes wrinkled. As he stepped into the room, his eyes went to the window and his face broke out in a broad smile. “It’s so pretty,” he said, without even telling us good morning first.
Rosalee sighed. “Like a painting.”
“Remember how much fun we had that time we went ice-skating on the Gundys’ runoff pond?” Zed asked, looking at me.
I nodded. A few years ago, not long after Zed’s cousin Ada had married Will Gundy, she had invited us to come skating at his family’s farm. Zed and I had brought along all four of my younger siblings, and between us and them and various extended family members of the Gundys, soon there were a good two dozen people out there on the ice, laughing and gliding and slipping and falling.
Before that, I had never seen Zed skate before, and I remember being surprised at how good he was at it, how graceful and steady—and fast. I knew he was naturally athletic, but the skating had been even more impressive than his abilities on a basketball court. When I complimented him on it later, he’d just waved off the praise and said it came from years of wintertime pickup hockey games with kids in his neighborhood.
“I wish we could go skating today,” he said. “But my skates are back in Pennsylvania.”
“Mine too.”
“Ella and Luke have skates that would probably fit,” Rosalee volunteered. “They’re in the mudroom.”
“Is the ice thick enough on the pond yet?” I asked her.
“With the cold snap we had, I would guess so. Yesterday, Luke told Eddie it was frozen enough for him and Annie to skate on the shallows—with supervision. I imagine it’s that much more solid today. But Luke could check again.”
I hardly thought Luke needed another thing to add to his to-do list. “We can do it,” I said. “Zed knows what to look for.”
“Let’s go for it.” Grinning, Zed clapped his hands together.
I was about to run off to my room to put on more layers when I remembered my charge.
“Actually,” I said, working to keep the disappointment from my voice as I stayed in place, “I’m taking care of Rosalee right now. Maybe later.”
“Oh, I’ll be fine,” she countered. “You go ahead and go.”
I hesitated, not wanting to be negligent in my duties.
She gestured toward her leg. “I only have one regret in life, and that’s not having more adventures while I could. Go have an adventure, Izzy. No worries about me.”
“If you’re sure,” I said. “I won’t stay out for long.”
“Stay out as long as you want.” Rosalee pointed to the kitchen and smiled. “First get Zed something to eat, though.”
He offered to make himself some oatmeal. He knew how much I disliked cooking.
“There’s leftover ham slices too,” I told him. “On the bottom shelf of the fridge.”
“Cool. Thanks.” He headed off for the kitchen.
Before I went to get changed, I took a moment to make sure Rosalee had everything she might need at hand—extra blanket, crochet bag, glass of water.
“You’re all set then?” I asked, hands on my hips as I glanced around.
She didn’t reply, so I looked at her face and saw that her eyes were twinkling.
“He’s so smitten with you,” she whispered.
“I wish,” I blurted out before thinking, and then I felt my face flush with heat. “I mean—”
“Ah. The feeling’s mutual. I knew it.”
Heart pounding, I glanced toward the kitchen and then moved forward to perch myself on the arm of the couch as we continued to whisper.
“Please don’t say anything to anyone,” I implored her. “I’m sure whatever you saw is because he and I have been the best of friends for so long.”
“Not just friends.”
I swallowed hard. “For years, yes, just friends. But then…” I couldn’t believe I was telling her this. “But then one day, two or three months ago, just before he left for school, I realized that I…that for me, it was more.”
There. I had said it aloud, to another person. I guessed that made it official.
“You’re in love with him,” she said, as matter-of-factly as if she had announced the sky was blue or the beans were ready.
I hesitated and then gave her a nod and a shy smile. “So far, though, it’s all very one-sided, I’m afraid. He doesn’t realize my feelings hav
e changed. And he still thinks of me like a sister.”
She chuckled. “He doesn’t look at you like a sister.”
I felt a flush of embarrassment, even as my heart raced with joy.
“It’s true, Izzy. You’re a beautiful young woman—and even more lovely on the inside. He’s well aware of that, I assure you.”
I met her gaze. Could it be true? Was Zed falling in love with me at last?
“You ready yet, Iz?” His voice boomed in from the kitchen. “Be sure to put on lots of layers. And don’t forget a hat and some gloves.”
Rosalee and I shared a secret smile, and then I held a finger to my lips and she nodded sagely in return. It wasn’t until I had dashed off to my room to pile on the clothes that it struck me to wonder at the woman’s enthusiasm for what she’d discovered. Rosalee knew Zed was Mennonite and I Amish. She was Amish as well, and as such, she should have been discouraging the relationship, not encouraging it—much less enabling it.
Once I was dressed and ready to go, I met back up with Zed at the fireplace. His arms were loaded with skates and coats.
“Better try these on,” he said, handing me the smaller pair of skates. I sat on the edge of the couch and did just that, glad to see they were only slightly too large. I took them back off, confident that if I laced them up extra tight, they would do just fine.
I pulled on the heavy coat he held for me, and then I poked at the fire as he sat down to try on the other pair of skates. He seemed to be having the opposite problem—they were a tad too small—but he assured me he could make do.
“Is there a broom?” Zed asked Rosalee as he worked to pull the skates back off.
“Yes, take the push broom from the back porch. And grab the whistle too, in case anyone gets in trouble. It’s on the hook near the door.”
“Thanks.”
He stood, skates in hand, but I continued poking the fire.
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