Dedication
For my beloved Grampy,
a craftsman of the highest order
Contents
Dedication
Prologue: Prepackaged Magic
Chapter 1: The Challenge Will Be Televised
Chapter 2: A Cat of Many Words
Chapter 3: Enter the Master of Ceremonies
Chapter 4: Sweet, Sweet Nothings
Chapter 5: Quiet as a Mouse
Chapter 6: The Seventeenth Floor
Chapter 7: Picture Im-perfect
Chapter 8: Making Whoopie
Chapter 9: A Grave Birthday Celebration
Chapter 10: Head in the Clouds
Chapter 11: Bothered, Bewitched, and Beheaded
Chapter 12: Romancing the Stones
Chapter 13: Home, Sick Home
Chapter 14: A (Tiny) Thief in the Night
Chapter 15: An Unusual Challenge
Chapter 16: Tears from a Rose
Chapter 17: Caught on Tape
Chapter 18: The Cat Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Back Ad
Copyright
About the Publisher
It was nine months after her aunt Lily stole the Bliss Cookery Booke right out from under her nose that Rosemary Bliss discovered something horrible on the shelves of Ralph’s Super Mart in downtown Calamity Falls.
Rose’s sneakers squeaked on the floor as she stopped dead in her tracks.
Staring back at her from the front of each of dozens of cardboard boxes was the smiling face of her lying, conniving aunt. Each box bore a banner reading LILY’S MAGIC INGREDIENT! AS SEEN ON TV.
The economy-sized tub of mayonnaise Rose had been carrying slipped from her fingers and fell to its death on the floor. “Mom!” she cried.
Rose’s mother, Purdy, ran over. “Oh dear.”
“No, Mom, not the mayonnaise. Look!” Rose pointed at the boxes of Lily’s Magic Ingredient.
Since she’d disappeared with the Bliss family’s magical Cookery Booke, Aunt Lily had made good on her promise to use it to become famous. She had written a bestselling cookbook, Lily’s 30-Minute Magic, and had a cooking show on TV. Now there she was, smiling happily on the shelves of their very own super mart, while the rest of Calamity Falls had fallen into a grim malaise.
Without the Booke, Purdy and Albert Bliss had no choice but to make ordinary pies and muffins and croissants from the pages of an ordinary Betty Crocker cookbook. The baked goods were still delicious, of course, and the residents of Calamity Falls still came by every morning as they always had; but the magic of the town had dried out, leaving everything and everyone in it feeling a bit like warm lettuce: sickly, gray, and wilted.
In the picture on the box, Lily looked as beautiful as ever. She had grown out her close-cropped hair, and now it fell to her shoulders in perfectly wavy heaps the color of black chocolate. She was smiling seductively, her hands covered with orange oven mitts and planted on her hips. “Add a tablespoon to any of Lily’s 30-Minute Magic recipes,” the box read, “for a dash of magic!”
“Listen to this!” cried Purdy, reading from the box. “‘Not a sufficient source of Iron or Vitamin C. Ingredients: Secret. FDA approval pending.’”
“Why would anyone eat anything that hadn’t been approved by the FDA?” Rose asked.
“Lily is a celebrity,” Purdy said, brushing her wild bangs from her eyes. “People see her face, and they plunk down a credit card. Plus, look at the size of this fine print.”
FDA APPROVAL PENDING.
“What do we do, Mom?” Rose whispered, the hairs on the back of her neck standing as straight as soldiers. Rose already felt guilty enough knowing that the biggest mistake of her young life—trusting her treacherous aunt Lily—had brought calamity to Calamity Falls. The thought that the calamity had spread to the rest of the world was just too much guilt to bear.
“What we do is figure out exactly what this ‘magic ingredient’ is,” Purdy said, rolling up the sleeves of her tattered blue coat. She swept box after box into her red plastic shopping cart until the shelf was empty.
Rose and her mother spent the rest of the weekend baking all of the recipes from Lily’s 30-Minute Magic and adding a dash of Lily’s Magic Ingredient to each one.
The Magic Ingredient was a blueish-gray powder that smelled like burned toast. When Rose threw a tablespoon of the Magic Ingredient into the batter for Lily’s Gooey Chocolate Pudding Cake, the batter sizzled like hot oil and whispered her aunt’s name with each pop: “Liiiilllllyyyyy!”
When Rose tossed a tablespoon into the crust of Lily’s Caramel Apple Tarte Tatin, the crust rattled on the table, giggling “Lily!”
The same happened with the Lily’s Vanilla Bean Crème Brûlée, the Cherry Clafouti à la Lily, and the Just Peachy Peach Pie.
Rose’s brothers, Ty and Sage, walked through the kitchen on their way to play basketball in the driveway. “Did someone say ‘Lily’?” Ty asked. In the time since the Bliss Cookery Booke had been stolen, Ty had grown taller still. He gelled his red hair straight up in the front so that it looked like he was wearing a tiara two inches high, or a tiny, red-picket fence. He had treated himself to a bottle of cologne from the drugstore for his sixteenth birthday, and he smelled like a walking European discotheque.
“I thought we weren’t allowed to say her name!” Sage cried into his portable tape recorder. Rose’s younger brother had read that some stand-up comedians recorded themselves in normal conversation in case anything funny came out, and so he’d started recording every comment he uttered in case he later needed the material for a stand-up routine. Sage had grown taller as well, and his cheeks had grown proportionally puffier, as had the red curls atop his head.
“No one said her name,” Purdy replied.
“I was just telling Mom about my new friend, Tilly,” Rose said. “And my other friends Billy and Gilly . . . who live in Philly.”
Ty and Sage squinted suspiciously at their sister and their mother, then scooted outside.
Rose and Purdy continued their dreadful experiment. Lily’s Low-Fat Pound-for-Pound Cake came out of the oven smelling like burned rubber, as did the Deep-Fried Cookie Dough Balls, the Luscious Lemon Squares, and Lily’s Bodacious Brioche Bread Pudding.
“Are we overcooking them?” Rose asked.
“No!” her mother exclaimed, confused. “If anything, we’re undercooking them!”
By the time Rose and Purdy were finished, every surface of the Follow Your Bliss Bakery kitchen was covered with plates of cakes, cookies, pies, and puddings, each containing a tablespoon of Lily’s Magic Ingredient. The kitchen itself was filled with a subtle, acrid, sinister smell.
“How do we find out if they’re dangerous?” Rose asked.
Purdy brushed flour from the wild curls of her hair. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Do we dare try them ourselves?”
As Rose pondered what to do with the potentially poisonous baked goods, Purdy clicked on the portable TV that the family kept atop the counter in case of emergencies.
Much to Rose’s dismay, Aunt Lily appeared on the screen, wearing a fitted black cocktail dress. They had happened to tune in to her cooking show. “Here it is, folks—the world’s best devil’s food cake!” Lily said. “And you know what that means: Time for the C-word!”
She raised her arms like a preacher while the live studio audience chanted wildly, “Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!”
Rose changed the channel in disgust, then wiped the flour-ridden remote control on her jeans. A commercial popped on.
“Now for a limited time only, Lily’s Special Spatulas are only nineteen d
ollars and ninety-five cents! Order today and we’ll include a Bombastic Bundt Pan, absolutely free!”
Rose changed the channel again. “Jeez louise!”
Lily again. This time she was on the set of a talk show, wearing a different fitted black cocktail dress. “The secret to my success?” she said, coyly batting her eyelashes. “Why, my passion for baking, of course!”
“Turn on the news!” Purdy yelled, and Rose changed the channel yet again.
“In entertainment today,” said the newscaster, “a new record has been broken: Lily’s 30-Minute Magic has become the highest-rated daytime cooking show in the history of television broadcasting. Its ratings have actually exceeded the number of televisions in America, a statistic that continues to baffle authorities.”
Rose and Purdy were busy ogling the television screen when Leigh waddled into the kitchen. “I want lunch, Mommy.”
“Lunch is in a half an hour, Leigh.” Without looking down, Purdy reached a hand to tousle Leigh’s head. “I see you’ve had a haircut.” Since she’d turned four, Leigh had insisted on cutting her own hair. This resulted in a mop of shaggy black chunks of every conceivable length. “Why don’t you go get your bow, and I’ll tie up your hair.”
“Okay!” Leigh said, and turned to go.
But she didn’t go far. Mesmerized by the Lily-a-thon on the TV, Rose and her mother didn’t notice as Leigh reached atop the counter and gobbled down the entirety of Lily’s foot-long Pound-for-Pound Cake.
Leigh sat on the ground for a minute, licked her fingers, then stood and cleared her throat.
“Wow, that’s tremendous!” she said in a voice far too deep and gravelly and sophisticated to be coming from such small lips. “That was just a tremendous pound cake. So sweet—but not cloyingly so; velvety, rich, moist. . . . Who is responsible for this confectionary delight?”
Rose and Purdy spun around and stared at the little girl, who, a moment before, had hardly known what a pound cake was, let alone the meaning of the word cloyingly.
Oh no, Rose thought.
Leigh looked up at the TV and saw Lily sitting on the set of the news show, her long, tanned legs crossed. “Of course! It’s Lily, of Lily’s 30-Minute Magic, hostess of the most highly-rated television program in American history! Lily, the doyenne of Danish, the priestess of parfait, the grande dame of graham crackers! It’s a shame that her charisma should be confined to the realm of baking—she should run for public office!” Leigh stopped a moment, savoring this new idea. “Yes! Lily should be the first female president of the United States! She’s the centaur of cinnamon buns! The sultan of—”
Purdy clapped a hand over Leigh’s mouth and looked at Rose in horror.
Leigh’s irises had widened so much that her pupils were an endless vortex of shimmering black.
Rose sank into the red-leather booth of the dining table, stunned. “If Lily gets people to eat this mix,” Rose said gravely, “she’ll have the country in the palm of her hand.” Rose pulled the worn fleece hood of her green sweatshirt over her eyes. Not only did Lily want fame, but now it seemed she wanted power, too.
Leigh broke loose from Purdy’s grip and marched toward the back door. “I’ll not be chained like chattel! I’m off to find Lily and tell her how magnificent she is in person!” She shut the back door behind her, leaving Rose and Purdy among the mess of pans and tainted baked goods, sweaty and covered with flour and splatters of yellow batter.
“Our first order of business,” said Purdy, “is to turn Leigh back to normal. Then we clean this kitchen. And then—”
But Rose didn’t need to be told what the third order of business was. The country was in serious danger, and it was all Rose’s fault. She didn’t know how she was going to do it, but she knew she would have to steal back the Bliss Cookery Booke.
Lily balanced precariously on a pair of high-heeled shoes as she pulled a tray of steaming pumpkin muffins from the convection oven in the wall of her studio kitchen. She turned to the audience and displayed the muffins, which looked slightly out of place in the hands of a woman wearing a short black cocktail dress and five-inch stilettos. “Have you ever seen anything more gorgeous in your life?”
Lily set the tray down on the countertop and raised both her arms. “Can you smell it, folks?”
Everyone in the audience hopped to their feet and chorused, “Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!”
Everyone, that is, except for Rose and Ty.
“Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!” Rose whispered to her older brother as they sank down into their back-row seats.
Lily’s studio kitchen had bright yellow walls, sunny orange cabinets, and an island in the center covered with turquoise tiles. A window in the back of the kitchen opened onto a New York City skyline.
Fake, Rose thought, her fists clenched. Just like her. This studio’s in Connecticut!
Rose looked out at the rows and rows of giddy audience members, at the hundreds of bright lights hanging from a grid on the ceiling above, and at the cameras, five in total. Rose tried to imagine how important Lily must feel standing in front of all those doting eyes, and the millions more watching at home. So this was the glamour that Rose had turned down when she told Aunt Lily that she wouldn’t be going with her to New York.
Rose knew she’d made the right decision. If she’d gone with Lily, her family would right now be sitting around the kitchen table, sensing that something was missing but with no memory that Rose or the Booke had ever existed. Rose would never be able to see them again, not even in a photograph. No amount of fame or acclaim was worth losing the love of her family.
And yet, where had love gotten the Blisses? These days the streets of Calamity Falls felt cold and gray, even in the springtime. Mrs. Havegood’s fibs had become far less inventive, the League of Lady Librarians had retired their tour bus, and Mr. Bastable and Mrs. Thistle-Bastable had lost their burning passion for each other. There was no laughter, no magic. The soul of Calamity Falls had shriveled like a dead leaf, and it was all her fault.
Even Devin Stetson had lost his luster. Since Lily had stolen the book, Rose had worked up the courage to speak to Devin Stetson on five separate occasions, about two things: twice in the hallway about the difficulty of algebra, twice at the counter of Stetson’s Donuts and Automotive Repair about the difficulty of algebra again, and once at the counter of the Bliss Bakery.
“How are you?” she’d said, her right eye twitching nervously, as it always did in his presence.
“Oh, fine, I guess.” Devin sighed. His floppy bangs, formerly the color of spun gold, were now just pale, dull blond. “The Calamity Falls Community Chorus disbanded. No one felt like singing anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Rose had replied. She had wanted to reach out and touch his sullen cheek, but she was too afraid, and too guilty.
Rose sighed at the memory, and glared out at Lily. As much as Rose hated her aunt, the person she was most angry with was herself. If she had just been a little wiser, if she hadn’t trusted Aunt Lily and fallen for her flattery, everyone she loved in her town would be happy and healthy. But as it stood, every time Rose traipsed down the gray streets of Calamity Falls, she was reminded of the grim mess she’d caused.
“This beard itches,” Ty whined, tugging at the long, gray beard their father, Albert, had glued to his face hours before. “And the beard glue smells like a chemical-processing plant. I might pass out.” Ty shifted in his white linen robe. “Why did I have to wear the skirt?”
“It’ll be over soon,” Rose said, patting him on the shoulder. “I’m pretty sure the Question-and-Answer portion is next.”
Rose spoke as calmly as she could, but her hands were shaking. Appearing on television for the first time was nerve-racking enough, but Rose was about to appear on television for the first time and do something crazy.
“Okay, sit, sit!” Lily called. “Let’s move on to Question-and-Answer. And while we do, I’m going to dig into one of these Pump-Me-Up Pumpkin Muffins—if you all d
on’t mind. All this talk of cinnamon has me very hungry.”
She winked coyly as she unwrapped the accordion of aluminum foil from the bottom half of one of the hot muffins and sank her gleaming teeth in. She wiped the corner of her mouth. There was never a crumb on Lily’s lip, never a hair out of place. She was perfection.
Rose knew this was her chance to strike. She raised her hand high and waved it back and forth until Lily noticed her in the back row. “You, sweet thing in the back with the blond curls!”
Ty wasn’t the only one wearing a disguise. Rose had pulled back her long, black hair and pinned it under a wig of blond ringlets that Purdy had bought at the Halloween Haven in Calamity Falls. Rose was wearing a dress of pale-blue satin with poofy sleeves and an even poofier skirt that sat atop layer after layer of itchy blue crinoline.
“Are the disguises really necessary?” Rose had asked her mother before they’d left for the studio. “If I had a shepherd’s staff, I would look just like Little Bo Peep.”
“You’ll need the disguises to ask your question,” Purdy had warned her. “If Lily recognizes you, she’ll never call on you.”
A bearded man with a headset handed Rose a microphone as Rose stood. It took all her strength not to collapse. This was the moment of truth.
Rose raised the microphone to her trembling lips and spoke in a whisper. “Testing? Testing?” The microphone squealed with feedback.
“The microphones work!” Lily said. She was chuckling, but her eyes were narrowed. It was the same look of impatience that Rose had seen on her aunt’s face those times in the Bliss Bakery kitchen, the same look that Rose had chosen to ignore.
Look where ignoring my instincts has gotten me, Rose thought. Wearing a wig on TV.
But Rose knew—and her family agreed—that this was the only way to right the wrong that had been done.
Rose cleared her throat. “I think your Pump-Me-Up Pumpkin Muffins are bland and dry,” Rose said, pushing the words past the arid bubble of fear that squatted in her throat. She took a deep breath. “I could make a better pumpkin muffin.”
A Dash of Magic: A Bliss Novel Page 1