by Rachel Del
“You know what I mean.”
I wasn’t surprised that she felt bad for Matt. It was physically impossible for the girl not to care about other people. Empathy was certainly one of her strong suits.
“I had to do it, right?”
I wasn’t sure if she was actually expecting an answer from me, so I shrugged.
“Yeah, I had to. He deserves better.”
I nearly spat out my drink. “I’m sorry; did you say that he can do better?” I didn’t bother to hide my disbelief.
“I know you don’t believe me, but he’s a good guy. And doesn’t everyone deserve to be with someone who truly cares about them?”
I cocked my head to the side. “You’re too nice.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Well, it can be.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Give me one example.”
I clapped my hands together so loudly that she jumped. “Three words. Ninth grade prom.”
She winced before extending a smile. “It wasn’t all that bad. Peter ended up being great company … so long as I didn’t breathe through my nose.”
I roared with laughter. “Only you would try to put a positive spin on poor personal hygiene.”
She quieted down then and I knew her well enough to know she had gone into her head.
I lost track of how long we sat there in silence before she spoke. When she did, there was the sound of resignation in her voice.
“I do feel a little better.”
I cracked a smile. “Well, good. It’s a start.”
I woke the next morning feeling noticeably lighter, certain it had nothing to do with the fact that Matt was finally out of the picture and that Penny was single for the first time in years.
Chapter 18
Alex
The next time I saw Penny, a week had gone by. She didn’t seem at all bothered, but I couldn’t recall a time we’d ever gone so long between visits. Maybe I was starting to feel a shift that she had yet to notice. A shift that I couldn’t help but feel was linked to P.J. That woman had wormed her way into Penny’s life and was, with every passing day, shaping her into someone I recognized less and less.
“I need your help, Alex.”
I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. “What’s up?”
We were at my house again, as usual, tucked next to each other on the worn living room sofa, trying and failing to pay attention to an episode of Orange Is the New Black.
“Do you remember when you said you’d help me make some changes? Were you serious?”
“Of course.”
She seemed to visibly brighten. “Okay, good. Because I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I’m ready.”
“For?”
She bit her lip. “Some changes.”
“Like what?”
She shuffled in her seat, tucking her legs underneath her butt. “Well, that’s where you come in. You’re fun. Tell me where to start, give me something to write about.”
So that’s what this was all about.
“You can write about whatever you want, Pen. You don’t have to go out and do crazy things for material. Is this something that P.J. put in your head?”
She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “I don’t know why you’re so intent on hating her. This isn’t about her. This is about me finally realizing that if I don’t start doing something great with my life, I’m going to end up boring and alone.”
“You’re far from alone, Pen.”
But she shrugged. “You know what I mean.”
“For the record, I think this has trouble written all over it.”
She smiled wider than I’d seen in weeks. “Perfect.”
I wanted to help her; I knew that much was true. But there was a part of me that was worried she was doing all of this because it was easier than facing the truth, easier than allowing herself to truly feel.
“Well, what is it you feel you’ve been missing out on?” I asked with a sigh. I was beginning to feel a little impatient. She clearly hadn’t thought any of this through, and I worried what that meant.
“That’s far too broad a question. Everything.”
“Well we have to start somewhere. Close your eyes and tell me the first thing that comes to mind.”
Her eyelids fluttered closed. “Sex.”
Sex?
“One: I didn’t see that one coming, and two: I’m not really sure how I can help you out with that.” But as the words came from my mouth I realized how easy it could be. What if I kissed her, right now? I wet my lips, considering it.
“You told me to tell you the first thing that came to mind!”
“Yeah, I did.”
She seemed to visibly deflate in front of me. I could almost see the wheels turning slowly in her head. She was unsure. I dropped my head and looked at her, attempting to capture her attention. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Her hazel eyes landed on mine. “We were just babies when Matt and I met,” she said, as though I didn’t already know that. “He was always just my friend Matt. Smart, goofy, Matt. Until one day he was more than that. I don’t even know how it happened. It just did.”
“You broke up with the guy, Pen, so forgive me if I don’t know where you’re going with this.”
She dropped her chin to her chest. “I don’t know, really.”
In hindsight, I should have just left it at that. Let her work through whatever she was going through on her own. But she had my attention piqued.
I really should have left it at that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
“I’ve never denied that I don’t like Matt, Pen. But what I’ve never really told you is why.” I took a deep breath to steady myself. “He’s dull, Pen. And I use that word in the strictest sense. He doesn’t have an original thought in his head. Couldn’t if he tried. He’s smart, like you said, but book smart. I’ve literally never met a guy who knows so little about life outside of his little bubble. He was holding you back, Pen.”
Her eyes shot up to meet mine and I knew that I’d gone too far. She didn’t say anything right away, she just sat there staring at me, unblinking until finally she sighed, heaving herself up from the couch.
“I asked for your help, Alex, not for you to attack my decisions. I’m having a tough enough time trying to move forward without worrying about what I should or shouldn’t have done in my past.”
“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, Pen. Ask anyone else and they’ll tell you the same. No one understood why you were with him.”
Her eyes darkened. “Well, it’s good to know that you guys all talk about my life when I’m not around. What a great group of friends I’ve got.”
I reached out for her arm but she jerked it away.
“I’ve gotta go.”
“Penny …”
She sighed. “I expected more from you, Alex. I always wonder how I got so lucky to have such a great best friend, someone who understands me like you do, who loves me the way you do and doesn’t expect anything from me. People talk about you too, you know. Our friends. They tell me to be careful. That there’s no way you and I can be just friends. That there’s no way you don’t want more from me, and that the only reason you’ve stuck around this long is in the off chance that I’ll sleep with you.”
I was stunned into silence.
“So don’t tell me what people say. I know what people say.”
I watched her go, knowing, wishing I hadn’t said anything at all.
Chapter 19
Penny
It took only a few hours, a long, hot shower and a strong cup of coffee to realize that it wasn’t Alex I was mad at. It was myself.
I’d been doing that a lot, lately.
I’d thought about it in the shower, the way it had all started the night I watched my dad leave. Something had broken inside of me, then. I thought about the way I had begged him to stay. Please, I’d said. What had I im
agined would happen? He’d made up his mind, after all. The marriage wasn’t working, they weren’t happy. What was there to say? Nothing would have stopped him from walking out that door. Not even me.
I didn’t notice the tears at first, but there they were, spilling down my cheeks and onto my lap. Surprising me.
When the tears had dried up I found myself walking down the stairs in search of my mother. By then, I had lost count of how many days had passed since we had spoken, the two of us seemingly finding it easier to be apart than together. We were a reminder of what had happened. I saw it in her eyes — the heartbreak, and she saw it written all over my face — the disappointment.
We were at our worst, then.
She stood in front of the stove, absentmindedly stirring a boiling pot of pasta. I called for her, and when she turned to face me, her face a mix of surprise and worry, there were the remnants of tears on her cheeks.
“Must be something in the air,” I said. Her gaze travelled the length of my face before falling to the floor.
“Dinner will be ready soon,” she said, and then as an afterthought, “I’m sorry I’ve been so preoccupied…”
She let her words hang in the air, leaving me to interpret their meaning. In my mind, she was apologizing for staying in her bedroom for a week while I cooked and cared for Dex. She was apologizing for not being stronger. She was apologizing for not being able to keep our family together. She was apologizing for all the hurt we were yet to experience.
I didn’t know what to say at first, and then, after a few minutes of standing in silence I finally said, “It hurts so much.”
She abandoned her pasta and threw her arms around me. I was overwhelmed by the feel of her, the reminder of her, and the scent of her. When I was a little girl I used to sneak into her bedroom and press the tip of her perfume bottle to my wrist, hoping that there might be just enough left over that the scent would transfer to me. She wore the same perfume now, years later, and it had the same effect on me.
“It’s going to hurt for a while, my darling. But that’s the thing about life. These are the kinds of things that make us stronger, that simply make us. All of these experiences — good or bad, they all shape us, honey. They make us who we are. We will be better for this, believe me.”
I tried and failed to see the truth in her words. I simply couldn’t imagine a world where it was better to be from a broken family than a whole one. But at the same time I understood that she needed to believe we were better off. Better this way.
Apart, but not broken.
Chapter 20
Penny
I showed up at Ash’s house without bothering to call ahead. I’d seen her car in the driveway, so I knew she was home, and seeing as it was a Friday night, I knew she’d have some kind of alcohol nearby. Never mind that it was only five.
I dropped my purse next to her bed with a thump, and Ash’s head snapped in my direction.
“Tough day?”
I sighed. “Tough life.”
She looked me over. “Not that I’m disappointed that you’re here, but where’s your best buddy tonight?”
I cringed, having forgotten how condescending she could be sometimes.
I wasn’t in the mood to argue. “He must be stuck at work again,” I said, but I didn’t really know. I hadn’t called him. I wasn’t entirely sure that it was out of spite, since I’d pretty much forgiven him, but there was something stopping me from reaching out to him. Maybe, just maybe, it had a little to do with the shame I felt for having reacted the way I did. Alex hadn’t meant to be hurtful, I was pretty sure that it was against his genetic disposition. But I had acted as though he was deliberately trying to hurt me, doing my best to return the favor.
Ash didn’t ask any more questions, only made her way over to her desk, where she reached into a deep drawer and pulled out a bottle of Jägermeister. She filled two shot glasses, passing me one, which I accepted gratefully.
“Drink. Feel better,” she said.
The shot burned on the way down, but immediately I felt better. Looser. And when she poured us another, I didn’t question it. The second shot didn’t burn as much.
“Can I ask you kind of a loaded question?”
Ash’s gaze flicked up to mine. “Sure, shoot.”
“Are you happy?”
A slow smile spread across her face. “I like to think so. I mean, these are supposed to be some of the best years of our lives, aren’t they? There’s not a lot to be unhappy about. I mean—” she stumbled over her words, “— not including what you’re going through with your parents. That’s fucked up.”
I thought about what she’d said. She wasn’t the first to say something like that; P.J. had been whispering similar things in my ear since we first met. It was one of the driving forces behind my desire to stop squandering my days away like I had been for so long now.
“How are you handling everything, anyway? You’ve kind of been keeping to yourself for the most part.”
That wasn’t entirely true, but I didn’t really want to talk about it. I’d come here tonight hoping for a distraction in the form of alcohol, not conversation.
I pushed my empty shot glass towards her and she filled it to the rim. “As well as I can be, I suppose. It’s a fucked up situation.”
Ash nodded in agreement and having filled her own glass, lifted her drink in solidarity. “To doing the best we can.”
I threw the shot back, embracing the haze that was creeping up around me.
“Listen,” Ash said suddenly, startling me. “I was thinking of going out tonight, somewhere chill. You should come. Get your mind off of all this crap for a few hours.”
I fought back the urge to decline right away. Instead, I found myself agreeing to tag along with her and some of her college friends.
A few hours later, packed into the back of an Impala that smelled a little too much like weed, I pulled my ringing phone out of the pocket of my jean shorts. The damn thing had been ringing every twenty minutes for the last hour. I tried to hide the fact that it was Alex’s name that popped up on the screen, but I wasn’t quick enough.
Ash nudged me. “Did something happen between you two? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ignore his calls like this.”
I sighed, biding for time. When I opened my mouth to speak, something completely different from what I was thinking came out. “You guys all hated Matt. Why didn’t you ever push me to stop seeing him?”
She shrugged as though it was no big deal. The car had gotten significantly quieter, everyone tuning into our conversation. “You know how that kind of thing always goes over. You’d end up hating us all, and we’d never get to spend time with you.”
“That’s not true,” I said quietly, but even I didn’t quite believe my own words.
We pulled up to a bar I didn’t recognize and I jumped from the car, grateful for the fresh air. The second we pushed through the door we were assaulted with the worst rendition of Don’t Stop Believing that I’d ever had the misfortune of hearing. I dropped my head into both hands. “A karaoke bar? Really, Ash?”
She shrugged. “I figured we’d go for something out of the norm, since, you know, normal isn’t really working so well for you these days.”
I had to hand it to the girl for trying.
“Then point me to the bar. I’m going to need another drink, ASAP.”
Alex
After Penny sent my sixth call to voicemail, I threw the phone across the room where it landed at the head of my bed. What. The. Fuck? I’d sent ten texts since she stormed out of my house. Ten texts and six calls all went unanswered. She couldn’t seriously still be mad at me, could she?
After a long, hot shower and a cup of strong coffee, I was feeling only remotely better. In a few days she would calm down, take my call, and we’d get past it. We always did. Still, I nearly tripped over myself running for the phone at the first hint of its shrill ring, answering the call without checking to see who it was.
&nb
sp; “Hello?” I said, but all I could hear was bad, muffled music. “Hello?” I repeated.
“Alex?”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at the unknown number. “Yeah?”
“It’s Ash, can you hear me?” She was shouting.
“Barely.”
There were a few moments of rustling, and then finally the music quieted.
“Can you hear me now?”
I told her that I could, and waited impatiently for some sort of explanation as to why she was calling me.
“She’s going to kill me for calling, but Penny is … well, there’s no subtle way to put it. She’s wasted.”
My eyes fluttered closed. “That kind of seems par for the course these days.”
“Come on, Alex, you know me. I’m all about going out and having a good time, and I’m happy to have Penny come along with me, but she’s taken it too far. She’s going to get us kicked out of here.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do from here, Ash.” I didn’t bother to hide the distain in my voice. Knowing her, Penny was probably drunk because Ash had forced her to match her shot for sot.
“Can you just, I don’t know … come here and get her? We’re at Dino’s.”
I laughed. “Dino’s Lounge? Seriously?”
“She didn’t really seem like she was up for a club, okay? So we brought her somewhere low key where we thought we could keep an eye on her.”
“You’ve done a bang up job as usual, Ash.”
“Listen,” she hissed, “be an asshole all you want, but I’m asking for your help. Are you going to come or not?”
I sighed. “I’m leaving now,” I said, already out the door of my apartment.
“Great.”
I didn’t immediately hate Dino’s. Under different circumstances, it would have been a place I might enjoy, but one look at Penny and I knew that Ash hadn’t been exaggerating. The girl was W-A-S-T-E-D. I strolled across the room and wrapped my hand around her bicep. “Hey, Penny.”