How to Be Someone Else

by Rachel Del

  “First things, first, you need to set your book aside for a while. Give it some breathing room so that when you go back to it it’s with fresh eyes.”

  “For how long?”

  She shrugged. “It depends, really. But no less than two weeks.”

  After the way I’d been writing for the past three months, the thought of not writing for two weeks felt impossible. “That’s going to be tough.”

  She smiled. “It always is for me, too. I once had my husband lock away the only copy of my manuscript.”

  “You should keep mine for me so that I’m not tempted. I’ll email it to you.”

  P.J. smiled as she closed her laptop and linked her hands together in front of her. “How does it feel? Getting it all out?”

  I’d never before felt so raw. I had rubbed at my skin, rubbed and rubbed until my skin peeled away. And all that was left behind were those 59,297 words.

  I didn’t answer P.J.’s question. Something told me I didn’t need to. She knew what it felt like to bleed onto the paper.

  “You know, I’ve never told you this before, but you remind me so much of myself at your age. At any age, really.”

  It was a comforting thought, but one that left me with hundreds of questions. “You mean you were a mess like me?”

  I’d recently perfected the art of condescending comments directed at myself.

  “No,” P.J. said, shaking her head ever so slightly. “I was lost, like you are. Lonely, like you are. I’ve never told you this before, but when I wrote The Second Time Around, I was going through a really rough time in my life. I’d done all the wrong things to try and get through it; drinking too much, becoming depressed. I almost even had an affair. But once I decided that I was going to write that book, once I wrote that first sentence, I knew it was what was going to heal me. I was going to heal myself from the inside out.”

  She didn’t break her eye contact with me.

  “I think that your book is going to heal you, too; if you’ll let it.”

  Chapter 31

  Alex

  It turned out that dating your boss wasn’t the worst thing a person could do. In fact, it was downright incredible. Not only had Monica eased up on me considerably, leaving me to — finally — do my job, but the opportunity for quick and dirty sex seemed to always be on the horizon.

  I’d tell you that wasn’t what I was doing now, but I don’t want to lie.

  Monica hooked her fingers in the elastic band of my underwear, her eyes on me as her hands gripped me. “We need to make this quick.”

  She smiled as I pulsed in her hand, and reached out to grasp the table for balance. I watched as she bent down, taking my pants with her, freeing me.

  She wet her lips and closed them over me. I sucked in a deep breath and slipped my hand into her hair.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  Good Lord, that woman knew what to do with her mouth.

  I knew if I watched what she was doing to me, I wouldn’t last, so I bent my head backwards and let my eyes flutter closed. I would hear the faint murmur of telephone conversations happening on the other side of the shade drawn window. Anyone could have walked in at any moment.

  I pulled her away from me suddenly, turning her and pressing her down on the top of her desk. She panted as I forced her skirt up her waist and pushed her panties aside. I bent down to retrieve a condom from the pocket of my pants gathered at my heels, and slid in on in three seconds flat, pressing myself against her wet line.

  She looked over her shoulder, sucking in a breath.

  “Please,” she panted.

  I buried myself inside of her, shuddering with the thrill of it all.

  My hands were on her hips and, unable to control myself, I pumped faster and faster until I couldn’t take it anymore. When she clamped her hand to her mouth, muffling her cries as she shook beneath me, I let go, eyes shut, whispering her name.

  Except, it wasn’t her name that came out.

  Penny

  I thought about Alex constantly. Though it had been weeks since we had spoken there hadn’t been a day that passed that I didn’t wonder how he was. He had been such a big part of my life — my whole life, really — that it felt unnatural to be without him.

  But then I would think about the way he last spoke to me. The anger in his eyes. And I would go back to hating him.

  It had been easy to distract myself with writing, but now that P.J. had imposed a two week waiting period, I didn’t have writing to fall back on. I was left to feel everything.

  Everything.

  P.J. hadn’t been making it easy on me, either. Even though I was taking a break from writing, she insisted that I continue to meet her at the coffee shop every weekday morning, where we would talk about our lives. Well, my life mostly. Lately, she seemed focused on one thing: my relationship with Alex. She couldn’t understand why we were being so stubborn, why we couldn’t work it out.

  I shook my head, thinking about how much had changed over the past few months. Somehow, life had gotten much more complicated than I could ever have thought.

  And to think I’d thought that it couldn’t get any worse than my father walking out on us.

  I was so hungry that my stomach hurt, but when I opened the fridge, there was nothing but a few water bottles, an open container of olives and Chinese takeout that I was sure was from two weeks before.

  I turned and yelled for Dex over my shoulder. A few moments later he came bounding down the stairs, skidding to a stop beside me. I slammed the fridge door. “You hungry, kid?”

  He looked truly pained. “Starving.”

  I clapped him on the shoulder. “Let’s go out and get something to eat. What are you in the mood for?”

  “Anything but mac and cheese.”

  We drove for the first few minutes in silence, all the questions I had for Dex filling my head. “Dex,” I said, softly. He turned to me. “I know that things are kind of a mess right now, but I promise you that they’ll get better.”

  I thought about the unread texts from my father filling up my phone. “Mom just needs to be sad for a little, you know?”

  He nodded his head.

  “I know I haven’t been around much, but you know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is call, and I’ll be right there, right?”

  When he responded with a nod again, I chocked down the uneasy feeling in my throat.

  Dex kept close to me once we were out of the car. I had the distant thought that I should throw my arm around his shoulders and embrace the fleeting moment for what it was. A car door shut beside me, and I looked over my shoulder to see Alex, hovering next to his beat up Honda. He looked about as sure of what to do as I was.

  “Hi,” he said. And then he noticed Dex beside me. “Hey man, how’s it going?”

  I ignored the twist of my stomach caused by Dex’s excited reaction to Alex.

  “Alex! It’s been forever, where’ve you been?”

  Alex’s brown eyes met mine for a brief moment before he returned his attention back to Dex.

  “I know, I’m sorry, buddy. Listen, can I talk to your sister for a second?”

  “Can I listen to Rapper’s Delight?”

  A laugh burst out of Alex, “Sure.” He pulled up the song on his phone and handed it to Dex. “My earphones are on the passenger seat.”

  And then his attention was back on me.

  When he smiled, I realized I was happy to see him. Not that I’d ever admit that to him.

  “Look, Pen. This … awkwardness … has been going on long enough, don’t you think? We’ve known each other too long to let things keep going on like this.”

  I bobbed my head, testing out the feeling.

  “Maybe we can accept that things have shifted. You know, move on. Find our new normal.”

  He said it like it was the easiest thing. But I knew better.

  “I don’t know if it’s that easy, Alex. I mean, I’m still with Ryan, and I know how you feel about him.”


  His jaw tightened, and then his mouth opened, and closed. When he finally spoke, I knew it wasn’t what he was originally going to say.

  “I assumed as much.”

  That was it? No words of concern or anger? The last time I’d seen him he basically told me that Ryan was the scum of the earth.

  Perhaps, time had worn him down.

  “Listen,” he said, with a sigh that seemed to tell me all that I needed to know, “I’ll keep my opinion of him to myself if it means that we can be friends again.”

  I wanted so badly to believe that it was that simple, that we could simply compartmentalize that aspect of my life, but that wasn’t realistic. Just like it wasn’t realistic that Alex and I could ever get back to the way things were.

  It was too late for that.

  I opened my mouth to tell him so, but as my gaze drifted towards the building in front of us, my thoughts of concern were quickly replaced with those of utter confusion.

  Alex

  “Get over here,” she said. Her voice was frantic as she waved me over to the car that she had ducked behind. Her eyes were glued to the restaurant doors, where a small group had gathered.

  I snuck a look at Penny. “Care to tell me why we’re hiding?”

  She shushed me. I glanced down over at Dex, sitting in my car. “Penny…”

  She was whispering to herself. I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying. “It can’t be him … this isn’t happening…”

  I was starting to feel concerned. “Penny, what’s going on?” I surveyed the scene for an answer, coming up empty.

  She tore her eyes away from the restaurant and turned slowly to me, whispering so that only I could hear. “My father’s over there … and he’s not alone.”

  The three of us turned back to look at the group of people. I squinted. She was right. And he wasn’t alone.

  There was someone who could best be described as a model hanging off his left arm. My eyes settled on the tall blonde with legs that seemed to be never ending. She had crammed her large chest into a dress that could hardly be described as more than a t-shirt and even from across the street I could see that she had on an astonishing amount of makeup. She was so Las Vegas it was almost comical. “Maybe they’re just friends.”

  And then her father reached out grabbing himself a handful of her ass. She responded by planting an open mouthed kiss on his mouth.

  I stifled a smile.

  “Yeah … they look like just friends all right,” she whispered.

  Chapter 32

  Penny

  “This can’t seriously be happening right now,” I said, turning my back to Alex with my mouth hanging open in a way that I could only assume was completely unattractive.

  “I don’t want to sound insensitive, but your parents aren’t together anymore, Pen.”

  I responded without looking at him. “That’s not the point. They’ve been separated for what … three months, and already he’s dating?”

  Alex shrugged and said nothing. Of course he didn’t get it. How could he? His parents were somewhat happily together, together being the operative word.

  I thought about my mom and how she would feel if she knew he had already moved on. She had only just begun to heal.

  “This is … I can’t believe it.” I didn’t have the words to describe how it felt. I only knew that something heavy had settled deep in the pit of my stomach.

  Alex’s hand landed on my forearm. “We should go.”

  But I couldn’t go. Not yet. Not until I knew what was going on.

  In my mind there were only two possible ways for this to play out. The sane route for me to take was to leave now, like Alex had suggested. The alternative was to confront him. I didn’t know which option I preferred, both having their upsides and downsides. But even as I grappled with those thoughts I knew. I knew I wasn’t going to walk away. He wasn’t going to get off that easily.

  “Stay with Dex,” I said to Alex, and dashed across the street before he could respond. I didn’t know what I planned to say. Maybe I didn’t need to say anything, maybe him seeing me, me knowing, would be enough. I stopped a few feet back from them, my heart still competing with my head. I tried to think about what my mother would do if she were here. Would she want answers? An explanation? Or would she be too scared of the truth?

  I lifted my eyes from the ground, allowing my gaze to drift up the woman’s long legs. And then I noticed she was alone. I swung my head wildly from side to side looking for my father, but he was nowhere in sight. I bit my lip, wondering what to do next. I looked across the street for Alex, who, much to my pleasure, was gesturing towards the woman.

  “What?” I mouthed. He pointed at the woman again and after a beat I realized he was telling me to go talk to her. Of course, it was so simple. I took a deep breath, straightened my shoulders and walked towards her. I pulled my phone out of my purse, gripping it loosely between two fingers and then I letting it slip, watching from the corner of my eye as it landed right at her feet.

  “Oh!” she said in surprise, and bent her impossibly legs to retrieve my phone. I could smell her perfume, something sweet and cheap. “Here you go.”

  My hand grazed her fingers as I took back my phone. “Thank you, so much.” Her smile was incredible. I looked up at the building in front of us. “Have you eaten here before? I’ve been hearing good things and thought I’d check it out, but I’m a little weary. I’m kind of bad about getting out and trying new things.”

  She continued to smile. Holy shit this girl was friendly. “I have, actually. Quite a few times. It’s my favorite place.”

  “Well that settles it; I’ll have to try it out tonight.”

  “Try the eggplant parmesan if you do, you won’t be sorry.”

  “Is that what you always get?”

  She swallowed. “I used to, but my friend hates eggplant, so I haven’t had it in a while.”

  This was it, my only chance. “That guy you’re with, he’s just a friend?”

  She didn’t even question my curiosity. “Oh, no. He’s my… boyfriend I guess you could say. God, it feels weird saying that at my age. Like I’m too old for that label or something.”

  I laughed along with her because it seemed like the right thing to do. “He’s handsome,” I said. I swallowed down the bile that had risen in my throat.

  Her eyes looked dreamy all of a sudden. “Isn’t he? He’s an incredible guy. I don’t know how I got so lucky.” Her eyes snapped to mine as though she had just realized she was talking to a complete stranger. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, “I’ve been told I have that kind of effect on people.”

  She smiled.

  “How long have the two of you been together?”

  She was so confident in her answer that I knew there was no possibility that she could be mistaken. “Almost a year, actually. We’ll be celebrating our anniversary next weekend.”

  I felt a hand wrap around my arm and pull me away and I looked back over my shoulder fully expecting to see my father. But it was Alex.

  “Let’s go,” he said anxiously.

  I turned back to her with the intention of saying goodbye, but my words caught in my throat. All I could see was her mouth on my father’s, his hand on her ass.

  “A year,” I whispered.

  Alex had me by the hand, pulling me back towards the car. Dex trailed behind him, looking confused. “What?”

  “They’ve been together for almost a year.”

  Alex slowed to a stop, Dex bumping into him lightly, and looked at me. “Well, shit.”

  Well, shit indeed.

  Chapter 33

  Penny

  I had gone to sleep that night mistakenly thinking that everything would feel better in the morning. I was wrong. Ignoring the urge to go right for the whiskey bottle, I grabbed my phone and shot out a group text to get Ash and Natalie to meet me for breakfast. It was the kind of
morning that only greasy food could help.

  I was tucked into the corner of a small booth when they showed up at Egg Works forty minutes later. Nat looked about as great as I did, which wasn’t saying a lot, but Ash looked completely out of place in a short, hot pink dress and nude heels. Her hair looked as though it had been stunning … the night before.

  Before I could comment, she held up a hand. “I know how this looks.” She sat down beside me and watched Nat slide in across from us. “And whatever you’re thinking is absolutely what happened.”

  Nat shot me a pleading look.

  “At least tell me you got his name this time?”

  She shook her head quickly, just once. “Who the hell cares if I have no intention of seeing the guy again?”

  We ordered our food and the second it came, I dove in.

  “Hungry, Penny?” Ash asked, with raised brows.

  “Don’t judge me, okay? I had a really fucked up day yesterday.”

  Ash had her mouth full of scrambled eggs.

  “What did Alex do this time?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “Why do you assume this has to do with Alex?”

  “Doesn’t everything?” Ash said her mouth still half full. I watched a speck of egg land on the table next to her plate.

  “Not this time, guys.” I was almost angry with them. I’d called them here obviously distressed about something, and they were making jokes.

  Natalie set down her milkshake. “So what’s up then?”

  “Look, I know that throughout all of this I haven’t really said much to you guys. I just kind of feel like talking about it is all I ever do, and when I see you guys, I just want to forget it all, you know?”

  Ash and Natalie nodded in tandem.

  “Well, I kind of saw my dad last night, for the first time since he left.”