by Woods, Karen
Reaching over to the half empty bottle of whisky he searched his CD collection. The collection Jenny and Harry had put together in the years they’d been together. It was that time of the night again. The time Harry would sit wallowing in his own self pity, sobbing his heart out regretting the days gone by. This was a regular occurrence. None of his friends came to see him anymore, mind you, who could blame them, all he wanted to talk about was his own heartache and how he would never get over losing the love of his life. Jack and Mark were sick to the back teeth of hearing about it. Looking at his Fleetwood Mac CD he slid the silver disc into the stereo with care, this was one of his favourites and there was no way he wanted to damage it. “I want to be with you everywhere” played at full pelt and the walls were shaking with the beat. Harry sang along with the words and sadness filled his face. Photographs in his hand, a single bulky tear slid down his cheek as he remembered the days gone by. There was no point in living anymore; everything he’d ever loved was gone.
Of course he loved his children, but they seemed to be coping without him and never once had they made an attempt to come back home to live with him. Not even his daughter Morgan, he thought she cared about him more, but obviously he’d been wrong, she didn’t need him in her life any more, daddy’s princess was gone. Harry prayed every night for this nightmare to end, but it never did. The memories inside his head would never leave him alone for one second, they tormented him constantly. Everything around him reminded him of the times he’d spent with his family. The song finished and silence took over again. All you could hear was Harry’s crackled breathing. Cigarettes were his only comfort these days and he was tanning at least thirty a day, he was a chain-smoker. Harry felt strange, his body was trembling and the colour drained from his face. Standing to his feet he marched up the stairs in a frenzy. Banging noises, cupboard doors slamming, he was looking for something. Harry returned back into the room, he was troubled; he paced the floor for a few seconds.
Plonking back down in his seat he scattered the brown bottle of tablets out on the floor. A rainbow of coloured pills sat in front of him. Reaching over for his whisky he shook his head slowly as he gulped a large mouthful. “This is what you have driven me to, Jenny. You were my everything. My world and you just threw it away for some prick. We could have sorted it out you know, Jenny. We could have worked through it all, but you just gave up on us, didn’t you? Selfish bitch you are, selfish, selfish, selfish bitch. What about Mickey and Morgan, didn’t you ever think about them?” He slid his finger over the photograph in his hand touching the faces of his children. “I’m their dad. How can you do this to me?” Some tunes played on the radio as Harry popped the pills in his mouth at speed. Grabbing the photograph of Jenny and his children he held it to his heart. Eyes closing slowly he looked at peace as he drifted in and out of consciousness. His once firm chest was hardly moving anymore. Slowly his grip loosened on the photograph and it fell to the floor.
Kerry sat listening to the ringing tone on her phone; she was anxious and kept looking at the time on her watch. She’d been phoning her brother all day but he still wasn’t answering. Shouting upstairs to her partner she yelled at the top of voice. “Jordan, I’m just going around to see our Harry. He’s not answering his bleeding phone again. I just have a gut feeling that something is seriously wrong.”
Jordan popped his head over the banister. “For fuck sake Kerry, he’s a grown man. Just leave him to it. You can’t keep treating him like a baby, he just has to get over it, end of. In fact, he needs to grow a pair of balls and man up.”
Kerry was outraged; this was her flesh and blood he was talking about. “Oh, where’s your heart Jordan? He’s my brother and I’m worried about him. It’s just like when your sister split up from her fella. You were on the phone constantly, on suicide watch if I remember rightly?” Jordan backed off and you could hear him mumbling from the top of the stairs. Kerry grabbed her parka from the banister and left the house in a hurry. “See you in a bit Jordan, I won’t be long hopefully, see you later.” The door banged shut after her
When she got to Harry’s house, all the lights were on and she looked relieved that her brother was at home. Jumping out of the car, the keys jingled about in her hand. Kerry held her mouth up to the letterbox and yelled at the top of her voice. “Harry,” she screamed, “It’s me Kerry, open the door will ya?” There was no reply. Searching in her coat pocket she looked for the spare key. Sliding the gold key into the door, she could hear loud music playing. “Harry!” she shrieked but there was still no reply. Walking into the front room her heart jumped into her mouth. Her brother was spread out face down on the floor with tablet bottles scattered around him. Kerry froze, her jaw swung low. Running to his side she shook him vigorously, she was sweating. “You barmy bastard, what have you done this for?” His body was lifeless, his chest was still rising slowly, so he was still alive. Grabbing the phone from the table she was frantic as she dialled the emergency number. “Come quick, it’s my brother he’s taken some tablets,” Kerry gave out the address and sat with her brother’s head resting on her lap. Stroking his forehead softly she spoke to him. “Don’t die our kid, you will get over this. Nothing is that bad that you have to end your life. We can all help you, just don’t die. Hang on in there.” Harry was dribbling from the corner of his mouth and his body melted into her arms, he was a dead weight.
When Harry opened his eyes again he was in hospital. Rubbing his knuckles into them for a few seconds he soon realised where he was. Kerry sat by his side and she wasn’t wasting anytime in letting him know what she thought about him trying to take his own life. Fingers pointing in his face she began. “What a nobhead you are. Are you right in the fucking head? What about your kids? Morgan and Mickey need you. Didn’t you think about them before you tried doing yourself in?”
Harry dragged his fingers through his hair, his lips were dry and cracked and he was desperate. “I want to die Kerry, so just fuck off. I’ve got nothing without my family. My kids don’t need me. They don’t even care about me no more. They’ve got a new dad; just like that bitch has got a new fella.”
“Stop talking like this Harry,” Kerry stood up and gripped his cheeks in her hands. “You need to sort it out. Life will go on you know, maybe you don’t think so now, but in time, you’ll get over this.”
Harry sat up in the hospital bed and flung the white sheet from his legs. “Don’t talk shit Kerry. I can’t cope anymore with it all. I should have been left to die. I took the tablets because I wanted to end my life. You should have fucking left me to get on with it.”
After a moment’s silence, Kerry sat back down and cradled her body with her arms. “If my mam would have been alive, she would have known what to do. Imagine her face Harry if she knew what you’ve done.”
“Oh, don’t use my mother again Kerry. Every time things aren’t going your way you always throw her name into it.”
Kerry held a firm look. “Well, you know it’s true that’s why.”
Harry bit hard onto his fist and his nostrils flared. “I want to hurt Jenny bad you know. I’ve thought about it over in my head and the feeling won’t leave me. I need to hurt her for putting me through this. Not once has she rung me to say sorry or anything. I want answers from her. I mean, how long was she seeing him? What went wrong with us?”
Kerry banged her hand on the bed in frustration. “Stop living in the past Harry. Right, listen to me. Say you go and see her and she gives you the answers, what then? She’s gone Harry, she’s not coming back. Just deal with it.”
Harry thought for a second and turned to face her slowly. Cracking his knuckles he looked menacing. “Well, that means only one thing to me then, if I can’t have her, then no one else can.”
There was a chill in the room and Kerry rubbed at her arms, she had goose-pimples, her brother was scaring her. “Oh, so now you’re going to kill Jenny, brilliant idea Harry, then what? You go to jail and spend years locked behind bars. You’re just not t
hinking straight at the moment that’s all. Why don’t you come and live with me and Jordan for a bit, just until you get things sorted out in your life. I mean, you just sit staring at four walls each night on your own. Surely that isn’t healthy, come and stay with me.”
Harry fell back down on the bed and let out a laboured breath. “I have to see the bitch every day in work you know? She’s walking around like I never existed. Even when I walk past her she just puts her head down and doesn’t even look at me.”
Kerry could feel his pain and she was trying her best to make him see sense. “There are plenty more fish in the sea. Ay, I’ve got a mate who’s just split up from her boyfriend. I can hook you up with her if you want? She’s a proper dirty bitch too.”
Harry chuckled and shook his head. “I can’t get a hard on anymore Kerry. My cock is dead, lifeless in fact.”
Trying to keep a serious face she sniggered to herself. “Well, you don’t have to have sex do you, just take things easy for now, just talk and all that.”
Harry looked at his clothes in a plastic bag at the side of the chair. “I need to get out of this place. Go and get me the doctor, I’m going to tell him I’m going home.”
Kerry was horrified. “Nar, you can’t just leave. You will have to see the shrink first. They might even give you some medication to sort your head out. Just stay in hospital for a few days and see what they can do.”
“Bullshit Kerry,” Harry snapped leaping out of bed, “unless they have a pill for heartbreak, there’s fuck all they can do for me. Now, pass me my clothes. I’ll come and stay with you for few days and try and sort my napper out.”
Kerry stood watching the door, she was hovering. “I’ll go and get the doctor, but if he says you’ve got to stay here, then you are. Fuck me,” she blew her breath, “you’ve just tried to do yourself in. You can’t just go home, you need some help.”
Harry came face to face with her, noses touching he spoke. “I’m going home, end of. Am I coming to stay with you or what? Because if I’m not, then I’m going home to my own gaff?”
Kerry shot her eyes at him. “Why are you so bleeding stubborn Harry Bailey?” she walked to his side and patted his shoulder. “Of course you can stay with me. I just thought you could have got the help you needed while you’re here that’s all.”
“Just get me home,” Harry stressed.
Kerry walked into the front room and prepared herself to meet her partner Jordan. He was going to hit the roof when he knew Harry was staying with them for a while, he had a short temper. Jordan was a private kind of guy and hated anyone intruding on his domain. Jordan lifted his head up from the newspaper, he wasn’t impressed. His eyes were wide open and he sat forward in his seat with the newspaper resting on his lap. “Oh, so you’re still alive then ay Harry. Fancy popping pills, are you simple or what?”
Harry sunk his head low, he was ashamed. He tried to laugh it off as he replied. He wasn’t doing well trying to convince Jordan it was all a bad mistake. “I was pissed mate, in fact, I don’t remember a thing. Anyway, I’m alive now, so move over on that sofa and pass me the remote, looks like I’m your new housemate for a while.”
Jordan nearly choked, nostrils flaring he snarled at Kerry. “What, have you told him he can stay here?”
Kerry was sheepish; she played with her silver signet ring on her finger twisting it slowly. Her voice was low. “Yeah, I said he can get his head down here for a bit, you know, just until he feels better.”
Jordan sprung from his chair and marched out of the room, he shouted Kerry’s name after him for her to come into the kitchen. Kerry knew by his tone of voice she was in trouble again. Rolling her eyes she gave a struggled smile to her brother. “He’s a right smacked arse sometimes you know.”
Harry pressed the button on the remote and turned the TV over. As he lifted his legs up on the sofa he could hear raised voices from inside the kitchen. He flicked the volume up and lay in a horizontal position. Harry shook his head as yet another love story was on TV. Ever since his split from Jenny that’s all that seemed to be on the television these days, love and heartbreak storylines.
Kerry switched the silver kettle on. A brew usually calmed Jordan down and she was hoping today was no different. Stood with her back to him she tried to defuse the situation. “Our Harry needs help. He was saying before how he looks up to you and that your advice always makes him feel strong.”
She peeped over her shoulder at her partner and she could see his facial expression change. He loved to think he was important and he enjoyed being an expert in life situations. Stood thinking for a minute he nodded his head slowly, he looked proud and the corners of his mouth started to rise slowly. “I do give good advice. Ask the lads down the boozer if you don’t believe me. One guy even said I was his agony aunt. I think it’s because I tell them straight. I never go around the houses either. If they want some truthful advice then they know from me, that’s what they will get. I don’t hold anything back.”
Kerry poured the water into the cups, and turned to face Jordan. “I’m so lucky having you. You’re everything I need in a man.” Jordan was like putty in her hands, the drama was over for now.
Harry was sat staring at the television when Kerry and Jordan returned to the room. Jordan pulled his legs down from the sofa and sat at the other end of it. He picked his newspaper up and rested it on his lap. “So,” he began. “I hope you’re going to sort your head out now and leave Jenny well alone. I hear she’s going on holiday to Spain with this new guy anyway. So, with any luck she might stay out there and be out of your life for good.”
Kerry cringed, Jordan had such a big mouth and now he’d upset the apple cart yet again. “Who told you that?” Harry enquired.
Jordan started reading his newspaper and spoke in a casual voice, he knew exactly what he was doing. “Just one of my pals from down the market. Apparently, they’re going to Benidorm.”
Harry jumped up from the sofa. Kerry was on edge as he marched about the front room. “See what I mean Kerry, the woman has no shame. Who does she think she is? Right, the gloves are off. If she wants war, then that’s what she’s getting. Kerry just give me your mobile phone a minute while I ring her.”
Kerry dug into her pocket as Jordan peeped over his newspaper. He loved adding fuel to the fire and smirked slyly as he watched Harry stressing. Kerry handed the mobile phone over. She growled at Jordan and gritted her teeth. When Harry wasn’t looking she clenched her fist over at him and shook it at him. Harry left the room in a hurry. Running up the stairs he ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, his heart was racing and beads of sweat ran down his forehead. “Cheeky, cheeky slag,” he ranted. Sat on the corner of the bath he phoned Jenny’s number, you could hear the ringing tone. Finally she answered. “Jenny, what the fuck are you playing at taking my kids on holiday with you and your fella.” Steam was coming out of his ears. “What do you mean it’s nothing to do with me? They’re my fucking kids. I’ll take them on holiday; they don’t need some wannabe dad trying to fill in for me.” Harry stood up and listened to the voice at the other end of the line. His knuckles were turning white and the vein in the side of his neck was pumping with rage. “Well, watch this space now then you clown. Game on! We’ll see who’s laughing when I’ve finished with you.” The phone line was dead and Harry stood there still shouting into the handset. “Slag, dirty no good slag.”
Night time fell and Harry lay in the single bed in his sister’s house. He could hear Kerry and Jordan talking through the paper thin walls. Standing up he gazed out of the window looking at the night sky. Eyes focusing on the moon he made the sign of the cross over his body. “I know I don’t go to church Lord, but if you can just give me a bit of help on this one it would be helpful. Just some strength to get through it all, that’s all I need, just some strength.” Tears trickled down his face and he knew the heartache would never leave. Grabbing his jeans from the corner of the room, he slid his t-shirt over his head.
Creeping about he located his trainers and left the room. Slowly he sneaked down the stairs. Eyes looking behind him he twisted the latch on the door. Harry was gone.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Grace and Winnie sat around the kitchen table. Both of them were smoking like troopers and a cloud of smoke circled above their heads. The radio played on the pine work top and Winnie was humming along to the tunes. Grace was on the lap top and all you could hear was the clicking of the keypad. The silver lap top was a present from her son months ago, and it was only now that she was finding out how it all worked. “Right Winnie, here’s that dating website I was telling you about. Get your glasses on and let’s see if we can find me a man.”
Winnie squashed her cig out in the ashtray and blew the smoke to the side of her. “I want a new man too, I’m so jealous, Stan’s neither use nor ornament these days. Sex is a distant memory,” she gave a half hearted smile as she continued. “Come on then let’s have a look at the eye candy,” she paused and shot her eyes to Grace. “Just make sure that bleeding front door is locked first. I don’t want us getting caught.” Winnie bolted up from her seat and ran into the hallway. “The coast is clear, let’s see what’s on offer for you. I’m more excited than you are.” Winnie sat back down and rubbed her wrinkled hands together. “I feel naughty,” she chuckled.
Grace pressed the key and filled out the registration form. Once it was completed she stared at her friend and sighed. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing? I mean, I’m an old woman now, don’t you think it’s a bit late in life for me to start dating again?”
Winnie swigged her coffee and her face creased. “Do I ‘eck. Do you think Martin was thinking about his age when he started dating that trollop?”