by Tasha Jones
She wouldn’t even look at me. “Because it will disgust you,” she said, her voice raw. “It will disgust you, just like it disgusts me.”
Chapter 16 – Nisha
We were sitting in a McDonalds in Central London and it was one in the morning. My makeup was a joke, my face was pasty, my lipstick smudged and my mascara running down my face. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t find myself sitting across from Edward stripped like this anymore. He was right there with his chips, his eyes glued to me. There was no denying it, I would have to tell him something and fast. I was what I was and there was no denying it. If I couldn’t tell him now, how could I ever marry him?
“Ed,” I placed my hand on his. It was salty from the chips. “You know that I love you, yes?”
He stopped mid-chip and gave me a short nod. “I know that I love you.”
I nodded. “Right. And I love you too. You have to understand that. Everything…” I paused to swallow my tears. “Everything that I have ever done since I met you has been because I love you.”
He flipped his hand up so that he could hold mine as well. “Nisha, just tell me what it is you have to say.”
“I was at university when I married him… my ex.” This was from a different life. “We were in love and I trusted him. I’d never done anything real, no skilled work. Just school. He paid for everything. Then I got pregnant. And then he died.”
Edward was shaking his head at me, like the last thing he wanted was to hear about this man. This man who was the center of the life I once knew.
“I didn’t know what to do with myself; I had no skills and I couldn’t finish my degree and I ran into Alorah at a coffee shop on just the right day. This is how it happened. This is who I am.”
Edward leaned in to me. His eyes were so intense that I could feel the circles he was burning into my face. “What is this? Who are you?”
I sucked in a deep breath because even though I had resolved to tell him this, I could not bring myself to say the words.
I watched Edward’s hand slowly squeeze into a fist. “Just tell me, Nisha. So help me God if you lie to me about this… again, I...”
My heart skipped a beat at this. “I never lied to you.”
He shook his head, the universal sign for the fact that he did not believe me.
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth. I avoided your questions. I hid from the truth, but I did not lie to you. I let you believe whatever you wanted, whatever was obvious, but I did not lie to you.” Just saying it made it impossible to sink in. The tears streamed down my face impossible to control even though I was sure they bathed my cheeks in black water. “I didn’t lie to you!” I thought the guilt would eat me alive. “I didn’t lie to you. Ed, I didn’t fucking lie to you.” It was all too much and I was so tired. My head kept falling until somehow my forehead was on the surface of that dirty McDonalds table.
“Oh my, Nisha.”’ He pressed his hand against the back of my head. “I understand. You didn’t lie.”
I snapped my head up so that I could see the look in his eyes. “No, Ed. Do you? Because lying would be…an intent to deceive you? No. I never wanted to lie to you; in the back of my head I always envisioned a situation where you knew the truth.”
“So tell me what it is.”
I squeezed my eyes shut so that I could speak the words to him that I could rarely ever say to myself. “I go on dates for money. I escort people to parties; high end ones. I’ve been in the same room as the Queen. I’ve seen celebrities close up. Politicians are just… well a lot of them are regulars. It was perfect for you because no one I’ve ever been with would out you, because they’d be outing themselves. You can bet that there are a handful of people who know who I am.” I gulped. It hurt. It hurt so bad. The words tasted like poison in my mouth. Leave it to me to fall in love with the one person who could ever make me feel ashamed of myself for what I do. “I’m an escort, Ed.”
He sucked in a deep breath and sat back in his chair, as far away from me as he could get without actually walking away from me. His face looked as if the color had been completely drained from it.
“A high end one, of course.”
“Do you sleep with them?”
His voice sounded foreign. “What?”
“Have you been cheating on me with your clients?”
My heart shriveled up like a dead thing in my chest. “Yes.”
Edward didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t even move. He just stood up and walked away from me. A second later he was outside. It had all happened in one motion.
I was only sitting there for a short moment before my heart lifted me off of that chair and sent me in pursuit of him. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t lose him. “Edward!” I shoved through the doors. Luckily for me, he was still standing right on the corner. It had begun to rain.
He didn’t even look at me, but, somehow, I knew he was listening. “It was work. I never planned to meet you. You understand? What did you expect me to do? Quit my job when I started dating you? I couldn’t tell you because you wouldn’t respect me, or trust me.”
“And I’m supposed to respect and trust you now?”
“I love you!” I cried. “I love you so fucking much and I’m sorry! I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth. I’m sorry I do what I do, but I can’t change that! I don’t have the resources. Edward, I’m sorry I met you, I really am. You would have been better off without me and I’m sorry.”
That’s when he finally looked at me. “I don’t know how to feel about any of this. I’m angry at you. I am so angry at you because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me this. I’m angry at you because you don’t respect yourself. I’m angry at you, because you’re intelligent. You’re brilliant. You’re lovely. But you do this. You do this to yourself and you do this to me and you do this to Valerie. I love you and I am better because I met you. But I am angry with you.”
He held out his hands for me and I came to him. He wrapped me in his embrace. It wasn’t okay, but it was better because I told him. His chin found a place on top of my head.
“I'm angry with you.”
Eventually, it got too cold and rainy for us to remain outside, so we caught a black cab. That night, we went to our separate homes. I thought about what he said; about pain and shame. I thought about the woman I was when I took that call from Alorah. I was scared and tired and I had just had a baby. That flat that he slept in; the flat Valerie grew up in; the flat I made love to Edward in… we bought that flat. He bought that flat. But couldn’t keep it without him. I was a scared woman.
But now? Now I was much less than scared. I had savings. I had a daughter and a man who wanted to marry me. So what the hell was I still doing?
The next morning, when I went to pick up Valerie, I took Edward with me. I thought my mother should meet him when he had his clothes on and Valerie was more than happy to see him. She was ecstatic. I thought it was strange because I always expected her to come for me first. They were like two peas in a pod together and it was as they were playing in my mother’s living room that my mother pounced on me in the kitchen.
“He’s a nice man,” she said.
I nodded with her coffee mug in my hand. “I know.”
“Edward Worthington.” Her words were punctuated with the sound of Valerie’s laughter.
“Nisha Worthington,” she added.
I couldn’t stop the smile from stretching across my face. “I know.”
It was then that she reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “But you know, you cannot do this thing that you do anymore.”
I bit my lip. I wanted to agree with her, but, “Mum, what else is there for me to do?”
Edward and Valerie came into the kitchen then, saving the both of us from that conversation.
Chapter 16 – Edward
“All right,” Felix stepped away from the white board and sat down next to me. “So now that the serious stuff is over
, you need to talk to me.”
I shook my head. After an entire morning of meetings about the company, a five minute conversation with Nisha over the guest list and an afternoon full of meetings and powwows about the campaign, the last thing I wanted was another meeting.
I folded my hands, resting my chin on them. “No, I do not.”
Felix bit his lip.
On any given day, I would have loved to have five minutes alone with him. But I didn’t want to talk about anything personal. I didn’t want him to ask me about Nisha. My head was still reeling from everything I’d learned about her in the last fortnight and it didn’t make any sense to me to tell anybody, not even my best friend, until I could figure out how to process this.
“Look, I know she’s a hooker.”
I couldn’t even deny it because my eyes flashed so wide open and I stopped breathing. “Not a hooker, an escort.”
Felix sucked in a deep breath. He opened his mouth to say something else, but my secretary came to the window of the conference room, knocking and furiously pointing at a file in her hand. I was more than ready to take this out, but before I could even form the words in my head, Felix folded his facial features into a scowl. “You’re not going anywhere.” He waved the secretary away.
I flexed my jaw at this. “How do you even know this?”
Felix’s lips stretched into a straight line. “I know her madam.”
My eyes went wide. “You’ve used a…”
He shook his head. “This is not about me.”
I glowered at him. “You come to me with news of having used a hooker and it’s not about you?”
“An escort,” Felix said, echoing my previous words.
My heart skipped a beat as a thought came to mind. “It wasn’t...”
Felix was quick to dispel my worries. “No.”
I sighed. Part of me was happy that my best friend hadn’t slept with my fiancée, but the other part of me wondered who the people were that she had slept with. Then, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I lost myself in the labyrinth of things I didn’t know about what Nisha had done or who she had been with. My heart pounded against my chest, my blood ran cold, my hands became coated in a slick, nervous sweat. “I can’t do this.”
Somewhere in all the nerves, I felt Felix’s hand on my shoulder. “What can’t you do?”
I shook my head. There was no way for me to explain this to him without hating myself; without feeling weak and jealous and territorial. “I… It’s nothing. Really.”
Felix placed a hand on my shoulder. “Okay, because I have to tell you something. Never mind how I know this, but I know that Nisha is your prize. But she is also a high level escort and she has a kid. But she is your fiancée.”
I refused to put a definitive expression on my face.
He leaned in to me. “Do you understand what I am saying? If you don’t come up with a strategy, the media will end you. There is no, ‘if they find out,’ in this. They will find out. I know this because we just destroyed George’s marriage. You can’t stand on a podium and make speeches with a hooker...”
“She’s not a...”
“Forget what she is or isn’t. That is what the media will say. You need to handle this. She needs to quit that job or you will have to break it off with her.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at Felix. I had already given Nisha that ultimatum and it was in the works, I hoped. I couldn’t tell her to trust me with her secrets. I couldn’t tell her that I would never judge her and then turn around and try to force her to quit her job right away. “Felix…”
“Edward. This is our vision. Remember? Making a difference. This is your life’s work. It’s more than just a popularity contest. It’s more than just you or the two of you.”
My chest was heavy and my head, full. He gave me too much to think about. Far too many questions and not enough answers to go with them. “Felix. I’ve said it. I will handle this.” As he nodded and left me on my own in that conference room, I wondered whether I had just lied to him.
***
Nisha
When I arrived at the Ed’s flat that evening with Valerie and her favorite blanket in tow, I wondered if he was completely preoccupied with something. From the moment he came to the door, he seemed to have been operating entirely on autopilot with his head cast down and his lips moving as he muttered phrase after phrase to himself. I busied myself in the kitchen, slaving over the simplest thing I knew how to make: baked chicken and mashed potatoes. Valerie sat in the living room, looking through his extensive movie collection, reading the titles out loud in that obnoxious children’s voice I simultaneously found impossible to endure and as cute as ever.
Once I put the chicken in the oven, I took the opportunity to get out of that steaming kitchen and check on the others. I stepped into the living room muttering a couple of things to Valerie, only to have her ignore me. After dwelling for a few minutes longer, I worked up the courage to go find Edward and bother him. I practically tiptoed down the narrow hall until I was looking through the glass French doors.
He didn’t even look at me when I entered, but just remained hunched over his papers and his files, a MacBook laying open off to the side. “Are you all right?” I asked, as I rounded the desk and commenced rubbing his neck and shoulders.
He barely gave to my touch. “I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything. My head is full.”
I nodded. “I see. You just seem a little… standoffish or something.”
“I’m sorry if you feel that way.”
I flinched at this. “Is there something that I did wrong?”
He then turned to look up at me. “No. It’s not you.”
I nodded even though I hardly believed him. As if he could read my mind, he reached up and placed his palm on my chin. My whole body shuddered at his touch as I situated myself on his lap. Feeling his hands on either side of my waist put me in a frenzy. The whole thing was impossible to resist, from eyes staring up to me, that sexualized haze in them, to the way his lips split, just so.
I leaned down to him and kissed him. Our lips danced together as his tongue found its way into my mouth. Being with him in this way was so right and yet something felt decidedly off. My heart didn’t exactly flutter with excitement and eventually, the goosebumps went away. I could hardly breathe with his lips against mine and everything around us, from the sound of the ventilation fan in the kitchen, to Valerie talking to herself and watching the telly in the other room distracted me. Something was wrong with me.
Something was wrong with us.
As he moved his head away from my lips and down to my neck and shoulder, I leaned away from him, trying to concentrate on the way that everything felt, but I couldn’t get myself in the mood for anything. “Ed?” I said, practically picking his head up from the surface of my skin.
He looked up at me, his mouth still open and his brow furrowed. “What’s the matter?”
I cocked my head to one side. He sounded far too entitled for my liking. “I just don’t feel like doing this right now.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “We haven’t for weeks.”
My stomach rolled at this truth. He was right in saying that, but, “I’ve had a lot going on the past few weeks. You know that. I’m sorry,” I said.
“What exactly are these things that occupy your mind?” he asked, standing up. His brow was furrowed and his mouth folded into a frown.
I couldn’t figure out why he was so angry. I shrugged. “Edward, I just don’t want to today.”
“Is that what you tell your clients?”
My eyes went wide. With that one short sentence, it was like he had reached into my chest and ripped my heart right out of me. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Just answer the question.”
His harsh tone made my skin crawl. I couldn’t believe he would bring this up this way and with my daughter in the other room. “No. It’s not, I...”
“Becau
se you can’t tell them no. It’s your job that you have to please them however they see fit. And then when you’re done and you come home to me, it’s just unfortunate that there’s nothing left of you.”
“Edward, where is this coming from?”
“Me!” he roared. Then, as if he remembered that there was a child in the other room, he clamped his jaw shut and stepped closer. “You’re distracted. I don’t see how you can love me and then go out and pretend to love everyone else.”
I shook my head. “It’s not like that.” I felt like the defendant on the stand for the umpteenth time that week.
“Oh really? What’s it like then,” he said, taunting me; hurting me with his words.