"Y-you can tell?"
"I can tell you usually come when I go down on you but it rarely happens when we fuck." The shock on my face must have been great. Nate rolled his eyes and wrapped the sheet around his waist. "Seriously, Lina, how naive do you think I am? I'll be forty-three soon. You're not the first woman I've slept with who does it. Hell, my ex-wife was the fucking queen of fake orgasms. So of course I can tell the difference."
Fake orgasms were a constant part of my sexual life before Thomas. However, none of my previous lovers had called me out on it.
"I'm sorry, Nate. I... I'm really the worst girlfriend ever."
"Hey, don't ever say that." He scolded me gently and pulled me against him for a tender embrace I didn't deserve, kissing my gently on top of my head.
"I'm glad you're in my life and you make me very happy, Lina. However, we're both adults and shouldn't be fooling ourselves everything is perfect when it's not. We should be talking about this. I'm a big boy and I can handle it if you tell me that the problem is with me."
I sighed and looked up at him, knowing this was the moment of truth. Nate deserved to know, even if I disgusted him with my sexual preferences.
"You are wonderful. I mean it." I sat on his lap and curled my arm around his shoulders. "Really, a woman couldn't ask for a better lover. I'm the one who's fucked up, maybe beyond redemption."
"You're beginning to worry me." His eyes flashed with concern and he rested his fingers under my chin. "Are you okay? I mean..."
"It depends on your definition of 'okay'." I chuckled. "We'd better get dressed first."
"Why?" he asked with a mischievous tone, but I could see in his eyes he was not in a playful mood.
"Because after I tell you what I have to tell you, you may tell me to leave immediately."
Nate's pupils widened and he stared at me incredulously. He ran his fingers through my hair and smoothed it back so I wouldn't hide behind it.
"Lina, do you really know me so little? You know I caught my ex-wife cheating, right?" His face turned red with embarrassment. "What I didn't mention was that it was with two men who double teamed her. She was not even a little remorseful and said she was sick and tired of me. She wanted to be taken and fucked properly by real men."
All the blood drained from my face, and I reached out to touch him and convey all my sympathy. I knew how much it hurt to be belittled by your significant other. His confession made the anxiety of what I was about to tell him wrap around my throat in an even tighter knot.
"I'd say it was good riddance for you." I smiled at him in spite of my fear. "I hope you didn't..."
"Yes, yes." He looked away and tried to shrug it off. "She humiliated me more than any other woman but I stayed civil with her during the entire divorce. I don't think what you have to tell me can be worse than what she did to me. So you have no worries, Lina." His fingers traced the line of my back with an absent-minded expression on his face. "I'll never chase you away. You can stay naked."
I embraced his neck and grasped my fingers in the hope I'd get through the confession.
"The thing is, Nate, my ex-boyfriend, Thomas--he was a lot more than my boyfriend. I was his submissive."
My eyes avoided his as I began to tell him the entire story. I skipped all the spicy details but that didn't make it any better. The hardest moment to recall was the shameful images scandal and the abduction by Seth. I didn't say much about the last part. No one knew what had happened between Seth and me before Thomas came to my rescue. All I said was that he didn't rape me.
"...and I still go to a therapist. So, I wouldn't blame you if you think this is too much emotional baggage."
As soon as I finished talking, I pressed my head to his chest and waited silently for his next move. The conversation was as emotionally taxing as a play session but it left me relieved. It strained me to carry all those secrets while pretending to be better.
Nate spoke after a long moment of silence, longer than I could handle.
"I knew about it."
I moved away and stared at him in confusion. He looked calm and sweet as always, just a little bit hesitant when he spoke.
"You... what? How? I don't..."
"I saw those pictures of you months ago, way before we met in Vegas." Nate blushed and took my hand. "The person who leaked them sent them to the company I work for as well."
I shook my head, not knowing what to say or do. My body was trembling and desperate thoughts were crowding my head like insane birds.
"You knew it all this time and you never said a word?"
Nate raised an eyebrow.
"How was I supposed to bring it up, Lina?" He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me a little closer. "It's not something you drop during dinner conversation."
"Yes, but..."
"Oh, by the way, I know about that horrible and shameful moment of your life that brought you public disgrace and nearly killed your career. Pass me the salt."
His words made perfect sense but I couldn't get over the fact that he had been pretending so well all that time. He squeezed my shoulders and kept talking with the same reassuring voice.
"You are proud, Lina. I was sure that you'd just run away from me if I told you I knew. I didn't want to make you feel even worse."
His thumbs stroked my cheeks.
"I decided it would be best if you told me when you were comfortable enough with me. I'm sorry if you feel I was insincere but I didn't want to lose you." His voice faltered, like that of a guilty schoolboy. "Are you mad at me?"
"What? No, how could I possibly... I'm just in shock. So many people felt the need to tell me I was a disgrace."
"Fuck those people. Everyone has dirty secrets." He gave me a reassuring look and pressed me close to him. "I'm hardly perfect myself so how can I judge you?"
Some part of me worried about his expert performance of feigned ignorance. He had never given away his knowledge, not even in the smallest ways, except when he was asking me what I really liked.
"I understand. It's a little difficult to accept it. But I'm not mad at you."
"I'm glad to hear it." He wiped his forehead and hugged me again. "So... I must admit you're the last woman I expected to be a submissive. Do you still have those... desires? Even after what happened to you?"
"It's complicated. I, um... I think I'll always have those needs. I believed I had left them behind but they are stronger than me. I have a hard time fighting them."
I pulled away from his strong arms and put some distance between us before I kept talking.
"Subspace is not something I can explain if you haven't experienced it yourself. There are no appropriate words that do it justice. All I can say is that was the only time I felt at peace with myself, and the world around me. I've never experienced anything remotely close to it and I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss it."
I shivered at just the thought of it. All the memories of my life as Thomas' pet rushed in, unwanted and yet so fresh. They overwhelmed my senses and I nearly missed the shift in Nate's expression. Something flashed in his eyes while he was listening to me--fascination and excitement.
"Submission is not easy. It was one of the scariest things I've done. It requires a deep level of trust."
He kept stroking my hair and back, not saying a word, just listening to me.
"It makes sense, I guess," Nate murmured uneasily.
"It's so easy to give yourself to the wrong person. The right Dom can make their sub soar with freedom." I paused and kept talking, shocked at how broken I sounded. "The wrong one can damage them for life. Sometimes I think there's no hope for me."
"Was Thomas the wrong one?" Nate asked and his eyes darkened with fury. "Did he damage you? I hope he is not stalking you because--"
"No." I shook my head and rested my hands on his shoulders. Why was it so difficult? "Thomas and I haven't spoken for nearly a year. Things with him were always complicated. He was young and intense and... We both made mistakes."
"I see." He rubbed his chin. If he was excited by the idea of dominating me, he was great at hiding his feelings.
"So, I still want it, but it's so difficult to surrender again."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He pulled me back into his arms. "It wouldn't be a pleasure to hear it but if you need to talk and it would make you feel better..."
"No," I said, sounding more hostile than I intended, and looked up at him with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I... It was the worst night of my life. I'm not prepared to talk to anyone about it. Please, don't get upset. Even Thomas has no idea. It's too painful."
"Baby, it's really fine." He hugged me tighter. "If you are ever comfortable enough to tell me, I'm here. I'm mad it happened to someone as amazing as you."
"Trust me, I'm not amazing. I have more emotional baggage than any other woman you've been with. There are things that completely freak me out." I swallowed and suggested in a shaking voice, "You don't have to stay if it's too much for you, Nate. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to be done with me and move on, especially if you are not too thrilled at the idea of kink in your sex life."
"Lina, I don't back down so easily." Nate shook his head and took my hands in his. "I've been with a lot of women after I got divorced but I've never felt like this, even with my ex-wife. I risk freaking you out, but you might be everything I've ever wanted in a woman."
He sighed and kissed me again, very lightly. "I never thought kink would be something I'd want to try but I want to make you happy so... I'll try it. I just don't want to be the damaging Dom."
His words showed he could never be any kind of Dom. It was supposed to thrill him, make him want to earn my submission. Nate only wanted to please me and he was ready to try kink only for my sake.
"Are you sure?" I asked him with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, I... just don't know how to start and how to do it. Is there one-on-one training course or something?" His nervous laughter made my doubts worse.
Nate said that he was brought up to respect women, to be nice and gallant with them, to treat them in a special way. Maybe, if he could wrap his mind around the fact that dominating a woman didn't make him a misogynistic pig...
"That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I understand if you don't--"
"Lina, quit assuming and tell me." Nate sighed. "I know I can refuse."
"Right, sorry. I..." I hurried up and told him all about Allie's morning visit. After a moment of hesitation, I added in a shaking voice, "You also have to know there's a high chance Thomas might be there. Allie never confirmed but they're very close friends."
"Do you still love him?" His voice was dark and heavy but his insecurities were bubbling beneath the surface.
It was the first time that evening that I lied to him and to myself.
"It's been too long." I looked at him while I was speaking that outrageous lie out loud. "I don't think there's a chance we could get together again, even if I saw him there."
"Well..." Nate drawled and gave me a hesitant smile. "Then I guess we can pay that club a visit. See if we can learn something."
He kissed me ferociously and sank his teeth into my bottom lip to force my mouth open.
"Don't forget you're with me, Lina. We can handle it together," he whispered when we broke the kiss, and ran his thumbs across my face. "If that guy is there and has any illusions, I'll make sure to remind him you don't belong to him."
Bad images hit me and I nearly begged him to reconsider. We could go on with our sweet and satisfying vanilla sex. Eventually, I'd learn to sleep without the red collar. We wouldn't have to put ourselves through all that because of my selfish desires. Things could get ugly.
I didn't say a word. If we didn't attend the party, the thought of what could have been would haunt me. It would put an even greater strain on my budding romance with Nate. That was the lesser of the two evils, or at least that was what I was repeating to myself.
"All right, Nate. Thank you for being so understanding." My smile was so fake it hurt. If he noticed anything odd about my behavior, though, he didn't say a word about it.
"Now would you please spend the night with me?" he asked.
All I wanted was to get up, leave, and take a shower in the hope I'd cleanse myself of all my white lies, insecurities and delusions. What better way to get rid of my feelings for Thomas than to face him and feel relief he no longer affected me the same way. Perhaps I was in love with the memory and it was high time to bury that damned collar in an old drawer and forget about it.
A journey always started with the first step. I bit my tongue and nodded with a smile.
"Which side of the bed do you prefer? I hope you don't snore because that would be a deal breaker."
We both laughed and kissed. Nate turned the lights off and lay down beside me, spooning my body. Soon he fell asleep with his face in my neck and his arm wrapped around me.
I stayed awake for hours to listen to his breathing and stare at the moon outside the window.
Sleep came to me only after I imagined someone else's hands running down my skin.
"For the umpteenth time, Allie, no means no." I glared at her from behind my laptop screen and turned back to the code I was working on.
"For the umpteenth time, Thomas, if you dare not show up I'm going to beat your ass so bad you'll have to work standing for the next few weeks." Allie laughed. My best heavy glare didn't intimidate her at all. Sometimes Dommes were such frustrating creatures. None of my tricks worked on her.
We were in Allie's playroom, at the back of her cheerful, upbeat, cluttered apartment. To go through the doors of her walk-in closet was like moving through a passage to an alternative universe. She bought the apartment a few years ago and got down to business creating the sexiest hidden dungeon ever. I was one of the first people to see it in its full glory. As soon as Allie was done setting it up, she was generous enough to let me have a play session in there with Kat, my sub at the time. Both of us expected a classic black and red dungeon, dimly lit and mysterious, full of leather furniture. We should have known Allie better and figure out she'd be more creative.
She said her inspiration was a dungeon she visited once in LA, but she added a few tweaks of her own to make it truly hers. A rectangular panel of lights on the ceiling made the room as bright as a theater stage. The lights could be adjusted according to the scene and the different moods of the Mistress. Dark cherry wood beams lined the ceiling on both sides of the panel, sturdy enough to support her own slave cage, a large metal construction in pale lavender--the same color she had painted her walls, a beautiful contrast with the black wood. One of the walls had a brick pattern and a rack of coat hooks. She usually hung the tools she'd use in a scene there. There was a thick string curtain in silver right next to the wall, which led to a different room where Allie kept the rest of her equipment.
It amazed me how meticulous the woman was when she set up her scenes. How precise she was when she chose her tools. That was why Allie was a pro.
I loved that room. Once, I asked her why she hadn't used a similar style in her official dominatrix dungeon.
"That studio is all about business so I keep it more neutral and easy to customize." She smiled lazily. "This babe here is my personal kingdom."
Right then, Allie was standing next to the cage in tight jeans and a sleeveless latex top. She was wearing her black Mistress Sheila wig and was tapping her high heel on the smooth floor impatiently.
I was sitting in the corner on a tall spanking bench, and had placed my laptop on a small table where Allie would usually leave her tools. She had asked me to stay in the playroom during her practice so I could give my opinion on her rope work when she was done. That was weird of her but I didn't protest.
It was difficult to ignore both her and the naked guy at her feet but I did it anyway. A few months ago, being in the same room with Allie while she was having fun with a man in his birthday suit would have made me crazily uncomfortable. I simply couldn
't be bothered anymore.
Allie had no client appointments today. She had just finished one big freelance project so she'd decided to use the unexpected day off to practice her shibari skills. The guy didn't need a second invitation. He was kneeling with his wrists behind his back and a blissful expression on his face while she tied an elaborate knot around his muscular chest. I wasn't sure what his real name was but everyone called him Trixter. Technically, he was a switch who preferred to top. According to his words, though, he'd bottom for Mistress Sheila any day. I often saw him beg her to take him as her own, that she'd get both him and his many pets, men and women. She pretended to consider his offer, but I knew she enjoyed having him desperate and at her beck and call too much.
"Seriously, after all I've done for you these past few months, you don't want to do a simple thing for me and come to my party?" Allie finished the knot on Trixter's back and looked at me with a stern expression.
"Oh, please, don't guilt trip me." I rubbed my eyes behind my glasses. "I've ordered you a special gift. I'll take you out for dinner in that weird fusion restaurant you've been raving about the past month. I'll find you a bouquet of roses with the sharpest thorns and let you beat me with it."
"Thomas, Thomas..." She beamed at my words and slapped Trixter's ass. "You devil. You know how to say the right thing to make a woman melt." Allie grinned and licked her lips. "You won't get away with it."
"I just don't want to go anywhere near a BDSM dungeon or party right now, okay?" I gritted my teeth and looked back at the screen. Any attempt to concentrate on the project I'd been working on was futile. My mind was full of filthy images, as I knew how wild her parties tended to get. Damn her.
"So, you'd rather deal with my wrath and put up with things you hate to avoid a freaking party?" Allie crossed her arms and walked past Trixter. She must have known how frustrated he got when Mistress ignored him. "We both know you'll have a blast. Why are you fighting it?"
I knew she'd start bugging me to get back in the game. Why didn't I stay at home to work?
Allie and I had spent nearly a week cleaning, throwing trash away and getting rid of the new life forms in the fridge, and now my house was finally inhabitable. I moved out of Allie's after I'd lived with her for about a month. However, I'd got so used to being around her it was unbearable to stay all day on my own in my empty house. Loneliness was killing me so she suggested I come to her place during the day, hang out and work on my projects. I was still vulnerable and knew it'd be easy to slip back into my old habits.
Unorthodox Chemistry Page 8