That morning, the sound of coffee pouring into two cups seemed like the sweetest sound I'd ever heard.
When he turned around, he pulled me to his side, kissed me deeply in spite of the morning breath, and brought one of the mugs to my lips. I took the first sip and nearly groaned at how good it felt. Thomas chuckled when I closed my eyes to enjoy the taste and feel the strength of his arm around my waist. He leaned forward and pulled the cup so he could take a sip as well.
"You ruined my surprise," he chastised while we shared the steaming cup. "I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed."
"Breakfast in bed is overrated." I laughed in response and took another sip. Thomas stared at me with a raised eyebrow. "I hate it when I get crumbs in my sheets, and I don't want to spill coffee all over them. I like this a lot better."
Two hours later we were having our second coffee of the morning along with a large breakfast at the dining table. Outside, the sky was getting clearer but the wind was still blowing through the beach grass. Thomas was fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and I was naked.
"If you thought I'd let you off the hook and let you wear clothes, you really don't know me all that much," he had whispered wickedly in my ear.
I wore nothing but a simple black collar, different than the one Thomas had put on me last night. My hair was braided again, per his orders. He was leaning back in his chair and taking in the full view of my naked body with a satisfied smirk on the verge of arrogance. Sometimes, I wanted to smack it off his face.
Every now and then, his fingers brushed my nipples or touched me in a light, teasing way.
"You had no problem with them yesterday." He reached out for the bowl of strawberries, picked up a large one and put it between my open lips. I glared at him but the taste of the meaty, thick fruit overwhelmed my protests. The sweet juice spilled all over my tongue when I ripped the red pulp. Its strong flavor with a touch of sourness caressed my taste buds. Thomas smirked, pushed his fingers into my mouth and ran them across my tongue. They were soaked with strawberry essence and I licked them, not taking my eyes off him the whole time.
He pulled me in for a long, sticky and sweet kiss and we shared the last pieces of fruit and our own taste.
"You asked me to be rough with you, remember?" His fingers ran along my bare forearm.
"I did." I smiled back and sank my teeth into his bottom lip.
He kissed my jaw and traced the outline of my neck with his tongue. After the intense workout from yesterday, I doubted I'd be able to walk let alone continue our sex romp. The thrill of his lips on my skin went through me anyway, as sweet and pleasant as the strawberry juice.
"You know me. I like giving my sub what she needs." He stroked my cheek and pulled me closer. "Was any of what we did too much for you?"
"No," I said thoughtfully and picked another strawberry out of the bowl. He massaged my thigh. "I think I was so deep in subspace it literally felt like I was dreaming. You turned me on so much there was no option to think."
"That was the whole point of the scene." His face lit up. "I wanted to push you past the point of fear. I thought the steel cuffs would freak you out, though. I hesitated about bringing them into the game."
"You never take it easy on me," I teased him.
"That's what you asked for. No safeword, no safety exits. Besides, remember what I told you before we broke up. You're stronger than you think. I don't want your fears to chain you." He kissed me deeply, and I felt his hands on my butt and thighs. He lifted me up, sat me down on his lap and kept kissing me. When he withdrew, he smirked at me and draped his right arm over my shoulders. "If someone's going to put you in chains, I'd prefer it to be me."
I leaned against his body, kissed his neck and sucked on it, leaving very small bite marks. He groaned out and dug his fingers deep into my shoulders.
"Yes, but I'll probably freak out if you put me in handcuffs now when I'm not stupid horny. Is that the answer? To put my fears under your spell instead of getting rid of them?" His body and embrace were so warm and secure I could easily fall asleep on top of him.
"Baby steps, Lina." He took me by the chin and tilted it so I'd look him in the eyes. "We've done it before. You know these things don't work by magic. If tomorrow we decide to stay together, we'll keep working in the right direction. I..."
He blushed and looked down at my lips.
"I'm happy you trusted me so much last night."
"I do trust you," I said, and to my surprise, I meant every word. Yesterday I broke all the rules I'd been living by for the past year. I broke the Procedure and trusted him to lead me through my darkest, most twisted fantasies. Could I have possibly done it without trust? "Still, I'll be sore for weeks."
"Oh, come on. Quit complaining." He slapped my hip playfully and curled his arms tighter around my waist. His eyes had been more reflective and pensive a minute ago, but now they switched to a naughty glint. "I lost count of your orgasm number last night."
He removed my braided hair and bit me hard at the base of my neck.
"And you had some fantastic aftercare this morning."
Oh yes. Shortly after our shared cup of coffee, we took a long shower together. He drew me a bath and let me enjoy it all by myself. When I was done soaking, He gave me the most relaxing, muscle-melting, soothing massage I'd had for weeks. My skin was still smooth and tender after he'd soaked it in aloe vera and rubbed it until I was purring, on cloud nine with delight.
"You also used me as a pillow last night," he added with a joking voice. "You held on to me so tight while we were falling asleep and didn't move for the entire night."
"Oh?" I said and reached for my coffee cup. "I... I can't remember the last time I slept for such a long time with no weird dreams or nightmares."
Thomas moved with discomfort at the mention of nightmares. I gave him a very light, sweet kiss and curled my arms around his neck.
"I missed sleeping next to you. You must be my best insomnia cure."
That eased the tension on his face, and he took hold of my braid, our lips still brushing.
"I really missed holding you," he said tenderly. "To be honest, there were nights I couldn't sleep at all because you weren't there. I'd get drunk or curl up on the couch, sometimes even on the floor. There were nights I even missed your nightmare screams."
His smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. His grasp around my waist grew tenser. Those words brought me back to the hellish months of recovery when the horror show of my dreams was at its peak.
"I'm sorry," he whispered with a guilty look. "That was out of line and--"
I shook my head and put a finger to his lips.
"It's fine, Thomas. It's not like we'll make it all disappear if we don't talk about it." My heart was beating so fast I felt it in my ears. "I never thanked you for taking care of me as long as you did. I'm not sure there's anyone else in my life who would have stayed with me. It must've been an awful time for you."
"It wasn't easy," he stated matter-of-factly and looked down. "I told you, relationships aren't only fun and games. It was the right thing to do. Besides, what happened to you... I was the one who triggered it."
"Don't take more guilt than necessary," I said quietly and shimmied out of his embrace. He looked at me in confusion when I sat back in the opposite chair. "I knew Seth was problematic, yet I chose to hire him. There were many red flags in his behavior and I ignored them. It was my choice to go with him that night."
"We all make mistakes." He took my hand and started rubbing my fingers. Suddenly, I felt very cold and uncomfortable, numb on the inside. "You thought it was the right decision at the time. Just like I was stupid enough to think that if I took pictures of you and put them on my computer, it wouldn't backfire. Either way, it's over. You should forgive yourself."
"What about you?" I picked up a paper napkin and shredded it to pieces, desperate to concentrate on anything other than his words. "Have you forgiven yourself, Thomas?"
"No," h
e said and took my hands in his. "But this is the first time I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Yesterday, I was in full control and I loved it like I loved your responses and submission."
He gripped my hands harder, brought them to his lips and kissed them. His subtle confidence and tenderness were a soft feather over my skin after a really rough spanking.
I still felt too raw.
"I don't know how long that will last. We're still trapped in that warehouse whether we like it or not."
The mention of that place made me want to throw up. The blinding white light. The cuffs that held me back. The cruel cold metal of the chair. I could see Thomas speaking but his words weren't getting to me. My mind withdrew into its protective shell.
"You haven't been to visit him, have you?"
His words were a cruel slap to my face.
"W-what? Are you crazy?" My blood was seething with anger at his suggestion but when I opened my mouth to speak, it was trembling with horror. Thick and potent horror. It was a poison that slowly took over my brain functions. "You want me to face that monster after everything he did to me?"
"Lina, listen." Thomas got up from the chair and cupped my face. His fingers were gentle but he held me tight and didn't let me look away. "I know it seems cruel after all you went through, but if you don't face him, he'll always haunt you."
Thomas brought his face close to mine but he didn't try to kiss me. He caressed my cheeks with his thumbs but that comforting gesture didn't make me feel any better.
"He's behind bars, Lina. You'll meet him in a safe environment. There's nothing Seth Anderson can do to you but if you meet him..."
"He can't hurt me physically," I uttered in a weak voice. "His words can do more damage than his fists. He... I can't do this."
Thomas narrowed his eyes. I pulled away from his grasp and got up from the chair on shaking feet.
"I can't. I just can't see him ever again." The memory of Seth's burning, savage eyes as he hovered over me came back in full force. The well-sutured wounds broke open and blood poured out of me. I walked back and forth like an animal locked in a cage. "I don't want to get back to the way I was, to think I'm a dumb whore and useless slave. No."
"What did he do to you?" His quiet but stern voice interrupted my anguish, and I turned to him in disbelief. "What did he do while you were alone with him? Did you tell the truth when you said he didn't rape you? Please, talk to me."
I swallowed hard and pressed my clenched fists against my stomach. Even if I wanted to I couldn't speak, as if someone was squeezing my windpipe with an iron fist, seconds away from crushing it.
My coat was hanging on the coat rack just a few feet away. Thomas got up from his chair and walked to me cautiously.
"Lina, come here. It's okay."
"I need some air." I cut him off, grabbed my coat and put it on as I stumbled to the door. There were too many buttons so I tied the belt around my waist and walked out into the frigid, damp day.
I heard Thomas shouting my name, picked up my pace and ran down to the beach. The strong, gusty wind hit me straight in the face, hissing, howling, freezing cold. It blew the skirt of my coat and made every step harder. Little pieces of stone and seashells stuck into my feet and the wet sand made them numb. Still, I had to go on. I had to keep moving or I'd go insane.
A loud, piercing scream was swelling in my chest. It was harder to keep myself from yelling while I was wandering down the rocky pathway to the lonely beach. Yet my lungs refused to let it out so I was left mute and hurting on the inside. The wind overpowered me, coaxed my tears and knocked the air out of me. Someone out there called my name but I couldn't turn back. I kept wandering down the endless stripe of ashen grey sand.
Like a mad woman with blind eyes and a constant urge to keep going.
The waves crashed onto the beach and threw away the foam of their anger. The dark murky green was drawing me in. Any strength I had left was draining from me with each gust of wind. It was burning my skin and whirling little sandstorms that scratched my exposed legs.
What if I left it all behind and let the savage ocean water take me away?
I wanted to scream and curse my own fatal weakness, to find relief in the pain, to let the poison out. It was no use.
A giant wave with a white crest roared and slammed into the shore, splashing all over my ankles. If I had been closer it would've knocked me down. It was still as freezing as if someone had spilled an ice bucket at my feet.
The biting cold broke me out of my numb, catatonic state. Just then I realized my heels were bleeding from the pebbles I'd stepped on. Another cruel slap from the wind hit me in the chest and I fell to my knees with clasped hands, crying quietly.
I didn't realize when Thomas got to me. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes but it felt like hours with the winter wind and the growling ocean as my only companions. He didn't waste any time, picked me up in his arms and headed back to my house.
When I looked up, he was throwing daggers at me with his eyes. His body was shivering as badly as mine but he just gritted his teeth and kept walking.
"Never, ever do anything like that again, okay?" Thomas hissed and pulled me closer.
"I... I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."
"We'll talk in the house."
When we went back, he brought me straight to the bedroom and wrapped me in a few warm blankets. I was still staring ahead, lost in space and trying to figure out what had happened. It was like in the old days after Seth's assault when even the smallest things triggered me.
Thomas got the first aid kit and started washing my feet with a wet cloth soaked in alcohol. He avoided my eyes and tried to calm his breathing down. I felt the small tremor in his fingers.
His words from The Fortress echoed in my mind.
Does anything good really come out of two broken people?
There was no serious damage to my skin except for some superficial bruises so it was easy for him to take care of me. I looked down, choking on the shame of my behavior, and the fear. The fear that maybe we really should have said goodbye and not tortured ourselves anymore.
"What were you thinking?" He shook his head while cleaning my small cuts in an eerily calm voice. "Going out like that, practically naked? You could've gotten hypothermia. I know you were upset but I won't tolerate such behavior. When you calm down, you'll get a punishment spanking. Ten strikes."
"I'm sorry, okay?" I stared down at my hands. "I just had to get away as far as possible. I didn't want to talk about that night. Just thinking about it makes me hyperventilate. I..."
Silence fell heavily between us and the knot in my stomach grew thicker. This morning was way too idyllic, I should have known something bad would happen.
"Lina..." Thomas made me look up. He didn't look angry, to my great shock. His eyes were laced with concern. "Relax. I must apologize. I didn't mean to push you to your breaking point." He kissed me softly. "What I wanted was to at least discuss it. We both know we need to leave that night behind us."
"The fear drives me insane. I block the moment out. I try to cope with it or rationalize it, but the fear drives me insane."
"Do you fear Seth so much?" He kept caressing my face.
"I fear myself. I fear what might happen if we're alone together, that this time he might truly break me. You... you just don't know."
"That's right, I don't," Thomas stated and withdrew from me. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to hold my hand. "I could guess but I'll never be sure unless you tell me. I know you... It may sound arrogant but I'm sure no one knows you the way I do. I'm not a mind reader. You say that you love and trust me. You say that you always have to do the things you're afraid of."
He got up and leaned closer to me, concentrated and intense.
"Prove it and talk to me. Let me understand it better. Lina," he pleaded. "Nothing he did will make me think less of you. I want to know, especially if he raped you. That's not a burden you should carry on your ow
n."
"I already told you, Thomas, he didn't rape me," I said and hugged my knees. "Do you think I'd be comfortable with sex if he had raped me?"
"Point taken." Thomas rubbed his chin. "I'm relieved. Still, I don't understand what he did that makes you fear for your sanity."
"It's... well, it's not a long story but I don't know how to begin talking," I said with all sincerity. "Words fail me and it may take a while."
"The entire day is ahead of us." Thomas patted my clasped hands reassuringly and smiled. "We'll postpone your spanking for later. Now..."
He climbed onto the bed, leaned against the pillows and drew me on top of him. I closed my eyes and cuddled against his chest while he arranged the blankets over my naked body.
"We'll lie here for a while." A sense of warmth and comfort went through my mind when I felt his lips on my forehead. "Take a nap or just lie here and rest. When the right words come, just say them. I'm not going anywhere."
I drifted away for a short nap, as my body and mind were exhausted. Once I opened my eyes again, I saw that Thomas was awake. He was staring at the ocean outside. The clouds were fading in the distance.
Winter would be gone soon.
He felt me moved and turned to me with a faint smile. I rolled over onto my belly and stared at him before I gathered up the courage to fall into the abyss.
"When I woke up..."
The first words poured out of my lips and I began to talk, without a stop, without a pause.
I recalled all the humiliation and horror, translated it for him and tied it with a black ribbon.
He listened.
The further I walked down the beach, the darker the looming sky above me was getting. A few stars were twinkling through the veil of clouds. Several moonbeams formed a hazy path along the sand. It was quiet, unnaturally quiet. Even the angry waves and raging wind calmed down to a quiet murmur in the background. I raised my eyes and stared at the ocean, shrouded in a black, nebulous cloak. Still, it was difficult to tear my eyes away from the murky horizon.
Unorthodox Chemistry Page 33