by Bali Rai
‘Yes – I would say thank you but I can’t be bothered.’
‘You just watch yourself, Rani. I’m around town today. Best not get up to anything . . .’
My reply was lost in the slamming of the passenger door and the screech of tyres as he sped away. I looked at my phone, which I’d turned to vibrate only. Sukh had been calling me since ten and I didn’t want to speak to him before we were tucked away from the rest of the world. He’d only ask me what I wanted to talk about and he’d know about that soon enough.
I walked down to Granby Street, ignoring a couple of tramps, and turned left into Belvoir Street, making my way round to King Street. Divy’s car was parked up ahead of me outside a bar, his stereo at full blast. He was standing by the door with an Asian bloke who looked like a bouncer. He had a skinhead, barrel chest, huge arms and skinny legs. He was wearing a leather coat too, and around his neck was a thick gold chain that looked more like a rope. I wondered what they were doing outside a bar that early in the morning and why it needed a bouncer during the day. As I passed Divy grinned at me and told me to watch myself again. I flipped a finger at him and went on my way, praying that Sukh wasn’t about to walk up behind me or call out to me from across the street. I didn’t relax until I had reached New Walk, halfway to Parvy’s building.
I checked my phone – it was only a quarter to eleven. I decided that I didn’t want to be early and walked back down King Street, crossed the road onto Market Street and found a coffee shop. I walked in and ordered a drink. I sat in the window, going over and over what I wanted to say, not noticing the people wandering by like I normally did. I was losing my will, sitting there, thinking about the appointment I had for the following day at a clinic for pregnant girls. I was pregnant. I was actually pregnant. There was this thing growing inside me every day. A human being. Two men came in and sat a few seats down from me. One of them turned and smiled at me.
‘Cheer up, love—’ he began.
‘Oh, stick it up your arse!’ I shouted, for no reason whatsoever.
Then, turning red, I grabbed my stuff and hurried out, leaving the poor man sitting with a shocked look on his face. I ran back down the street towards Parvy’s building, not stopping until I was outside. I dried my eyes and looked at my phone again. It turned eleven minutes past eleven as I looked at it. I pushed the buzzer and waited for Sukh to answer.
RANI
I PUSHED THE door to Parvy’s flat open and walked in. Sukh was standing at the entrance to the living room.
‘You didn’t answer your mobile,’ he said.
‘I know – I was getting a lift in from Divy. I didn’t want him to know I was meeting anyone. Especially not you . . .’
‘Thing is . . .’ began Sukh, nodding towards the living room.
‘What?’
‘Are you going to invite her in or what, Sukhy?’ came Parvy’s voice from inside.
I looked at Sukh and he shrugged. ‘I was trying to tell you . . .’
Part of me wanted to run out of the building and back down the street. But where was I going to run to, and what was I going to do when I got there? As much as I wanted to put off telling Sukh about the baby, I knew I couldn’t. And once I had told him . . . Well, Parvy knew everything else about us.
‘Don’t matter,’ I reassured him.
‘I thought you had something important to tell me,’ he replied, looking confused.
I walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. ‘It’s past the point where it matters if Parvy knows,’ I said.
‘Knows what?’
I walked past him into the living room and gave Parvy a hug.
‘Hey, Rani, you look well,’ she said, sitting back down on the sofa. She was wearing white trainers, flared jeans and a red top with white lilies printed on it. She looked great.
I smiled. ‘There’s something that I need to tell you both,’ I said, feeling heat rising in my cheeks.
‘What is it, Rani?’ asked a confused-looking Parvy.
Sukh came and stood next to me, taking my hand. I started to cry.
‘Hey . . . what’s the matter?’ he said softly, holding me awkwardly.
I pulled away and wiped my eyes. I had to say my piece. Had to get it out into the open . . .
‘I’ve not been feeling well,’ I began, noticing that I had Parvy’s full attention. There was a question in her eyes.
I looked down at the floor. ‘I’ve been sick and—’
‘Did you go to the doctor’s?’ asked Sukh.
I put my arms around him and let the tears fall freely. ‘I’m so sorry . . .’
He looked down at me and smiled. ‘Sorry for what, beautiful? You haven’t done anything wrong.’
Parvy got up and looked at her brother. ‘Do you want me to go out for a bit?’ she asked, looking concerned.
‘No – stay . . .’ I replied.
‘What’s wrong?’
I pulled away from Sukh and managed to find the sofa through my tears. I blinked and looked at Sukh’s face – so confused and hurt and worried. I was about to turn his life upside down and . . .
‘I’m pregnant,’ I told them, before putting my head in my hands and really breaking down.
Sukh came over and sat down, putting his arms around me and pulling me to him. He didn’t say a word. He just held me until I’d cried myself dry. Parvy was standing by the window, looking out into the street, silent. I was still sobbing when she spoke.
‘I thought you used—’
‘We did,’ said Sukh.
I looked at his face. It was ashen. I looked at Parvy. She was furious – I could see it in her face, even though, on the outside, she seemed calm.
‘We must have split one—’ I said.
‘Or decided that you didn’t have one handy but what the hell – one time couldn’t hurt . . .’ snapped Parvy.
‘No . . .’ I whispered.
‘You’re sixteen fucking years old,’ she said, looking more at Sukh than at me.
‘You’re out of order, Parv – there’s no need to swear at us,’ Sukh snapped back.
Parvy thought about what he had said for a moment and then her face relaxed. She sighed and sat down on the floor in front of me and Sukh. She looked into my eyes as she spoke. ‘You know that this is going to be bad, don’t you?’ she asked.
I nodded.
‘Not just the pregnancy thing but the whole family bullshit too.’
I nodded again.
‘And you’re sure . . . ?’ she continued.
Sukh looked at me. Tried to smile but failed. He swallowed hard.
‘I didn’t come on and I was being sick all the time,’ I explained.
‘And you decided to get a test . . . ?’ said Parvy.
‘Yes. I did it at Nat’s house – it was positive.’
Parvy considered my words for a moment and then looked at me again. ‘Have you arranged to see someone?’
‘Jasmine – Nat’s sister – sorted out something for tomorrow,’ I told her.
‘Is it a proper counselling service – a balanced one? Some of them are run by religious nutters . . .’
I hadn’t even thought about an abortion until then. It was something that I’d always said I would never do. But I’d never been pregnant before and now I was. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do. I was just scared.
‘It’s a women’s advice service . . . Jasmine said they were really good to one of her friends when she . . .’
I started to cry again. Sukh hugged me close and told me it was all right.
‘How can it be all right?’ I asked through the tears.
‘We’re in this together, Rani,’ he told me. ‘Whatever happens – it’s you and me, OK?’
I held onto him like my life depended on it. He felt so warm and strong and safe. I just wanted to stay where I was and never go home again. Just be there, with him holding me, looking after me. But Parvy’s words were going round in my head too. We were sixteen. How were we going to cope? W
hat were we going to do for money? And more importantly, how were we going to stop our families from—?
Parvy stood up and paced the room for a few minutes. ‘Look,’ she said eventually, ‘I’ll give you whatever you need. Money – whatever. But this is going to be a difficult decision for both of you. You haven’t got long to decide either. But if you decide that you are going to have a child then we have to tell Dad—’
‘No!’ I shouted. ‘We can’t . . .’
‘Rani – if you do decide to keep the baby, how else can we deal with it? We’re just going to have to ride the problems. Family feud or not, this is far too serious.’
‘But my brother will kill me . . .’ I pleaded.
‘No,’ replied Parvy firmly. ‘No, he won’t. This isn’t the Punjab in the nineteen sixties. There are laws that protect you from your family.’
‘He lays one finger on you—’ began Sukh, with real menace in his voice, before Parvy cut him off.
‘And that won’t help either, Sukh. This is about stopping any violence – not starting more.’
‘Yeah? I’m telling you now, Parv – he touches Rani and I’ll kill him myself.’
‘Forget it, Sukh. We’re going to sort this out like normal people – not feuding farmers from the Punjab.’
‘I’m not having an abortion,’ I blurted out.
I don’t know where it came from or why I said it but I did. I hadn’t even considered the possibility and I wasn’t thinking anywhere near straight. My mind was a rush of different thoughts and emotions.
Parvy looked at me and shrugged. ‘What you decide is up to you, Rani, but have you thought about what having a baby at your age really means?’
I didn’t reply.
‘You’ve seen those girls in town, pushing prams and living dull lives,’ she continued. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘Leave it, Parv,’ said Sukh. ‘It’s not helping. We need to think about what we’re going to do. This is as much my mess as it’s Rani’s.’
‘What about college, uni? Don’t you want a career first – a life?’
‘Parvy . . .’
‘All I’m saying, Sukh, is that you both need to think about this properly. Weigh up both sides. There’s so much involved in having a baby. It’s not easy—’
‘If that’s what it comes to – we’ll deal with it,’ replied Sukh, holding me even tighter.
‘Just think about what you’re saying,’ insisted Parvy. ‘Really think about it – and if you are going to have it – then, like I said before, we have to speak to Dad. You’re going to need your family to support you – not least with Rani’s family. God only knows how they’ll react . . .’
The thing was, even then, I knew what they’d say, my family. What they would do. There was no way they would accept me and Sukh, never mind our child. What was I going to do? Parvy was right. If I had a baby, my life would change for ever. I’d have to leave home. And if Sukh’s family didn’t accept it, we would have to go it alone, no matter what Parvy did to help. And why would Sukh’s dad be any different from mine when it came down to it? Even though he was calmer and more forward thinking, he wouldn’t want his son’s life ruined because of a baby. Not when his son didn’t even know his GCSE results yet.
I was partly relieved that Sukh and Parvy knew. But only partly. It didn’t change things – just made the load a little easier. Now I wasn’t having to worry about telling Sukh. Now it was just a case of worrying about what we were going to do next . . .
RANI
I TOOK NATALIE with me to the counselling meeting the next morning. Sukh offered to come but I told him that his being there would distract me. I’d be wondering what was going on in his head instead of thinking about what I wanted to do. I knew that it was his decision too, but first and foremost it was mine. He was wonderful about it. He didn’t get upset or anything. Instead he told me that he would be on the end of a phone as soon as I was ready to talk and that he loved me and always would. He kept on saying that we would be fine – that we’d cope with whatever happened. And I was beginning to believe him too. He had this determined look in his eyes when he spoke about it – like he was ready to face up to any responsibilities that might come his way. If it had been the other way round I would have screamed at him, I think. I would have wanted to be part of everything. But he was really calm, although he admitted that he was really scared too, underneath it all. I suppose he was being strong for both of us – or trying, at least.
I had been so scared that his reaction would be different – uncaring or unconcerned. In my head all these scenarios had played themselves out – he’d dump me, or tell me that it was my problem. He’d try to take over and make the decision for me and get all macho about it. But none of that happened. He just listened to me and comforted me and gave me all the love and support I needed. I mean, we were the same age and he was so manly about it, but in the best way. Really mature and open and honest. I’d never believed in soul mates until I met him, and now I was sure that was what we were. Soul mates. Destined to be together. It was the only way I could explain to myself how wonderful he was. I know it sounds silly and corny and all of those things but I really felt that way. He was like an angel. My angel.
By lunch time me and Natalie were walking through Victoria Park in the sunshine, avoiding games of cricket and football, stepping between the sunbathers. It was hot and I was drinking from a bottle of water. The nausea had been better for a few days, just a morning thing rather than all day, and in my head I felt a little stronger, a little bit more in control. But the control was a fleeting thing because I knew that by the time I got home and was alone in my bedroom, the doubts would return. The worry and the fear too. But at that point I was doing fine.
We were discussing what the woman at the clinic had told me. How many weeks I had before I couldn’t have an abortion. What social security I could claim. Help with everything from nappies to dentists and doctors and all that stuff. She had also gone through a long list of hazards and pitfalls associated with giving birth and the aftermath, told me to consider whether I felt ready to be a mum. Was it something I could really see myself doing? She advised me not to discount the options out of hand but to think about them, talk things over with parents and friends. I didn’t bother to fill her in on my family and the whole secrecy thing. I figured that she wouldn’t have a clue about what to do, so why bother? It’s not like there was a support group for girls who got pregnant by the son of their family’s sworn enemy.
Nat was busy telling me to consider all my options. She had been pointing out that college would be difficult with a child in tow. Not to mention that I would never be able to go out or buy new clothes, never be able to be a teenager properly. I listened as she spoke, but there was something in me that was telling me to ignore what she was saying. I don’t know where it came from, but a little voice in my head was telling me to have my baby. That was how I was thinking about it: not a baby but my baby.
‘I’m having it,’ I said defiantly. ‘Right at this moment I feel like having it.’
Natalie sighed. ‘Rani – have you thought about it . . . ?’
‘Thought about it? That’s all I have been doing. That and working out how not to get killed by my dad.’
‘But it’s a baby, baby. They cry and they poo and they puke all over the place.’
‘Sounds a bit like me then—’
‘Rani! It’s not some toy that you can give back when you’re bored.’
I looked at her and wondered if she thought I was being stupid. Then I realized that I was stupid for even questioning if Nat thought I was being silly. Of course she did.
‘I know you don’t agree with me but—’
‘Look, you know that I love you and I’ll be your friend no matter what happens – but I don’t want you to regret this in two or three years’ time when you’re stuck with a kid instead of getting drunk at uni,’ she said.
‘I don’t think I can do it anyway,’ I told her.
‘Do what?’
‘Have an abortion.’
‘Look – it’s not the ideal solution, I know. Ideally you wouldn’t be pregnant in the first place, but don’t let that anti-abortion shit get to you. It’s your body.’
‘I know that – I just can’t do it. I’d feel like I killed something . . .’
‘Rani . . . you won’t be killing anything. You’ll be doing it in both your best interests – yours and Sukh’s.’
‘No, Nat. You don’t get it. I don’t feel right about the whole idea of having an abortion – I don’t even know why—’
‘You don’t think that a woman should have the right to choose . . . ?’ She looked amazed and aghast at the same time.
‘Don’t be so stupid, Nat. Of course I agree with that. I just don’t want it for myself. Why can’t I disagree with abortion and still support someone else’s right to have one. I’m not preaching to anyone else . . .’
‘But—’ began Nat, only for me to carry on.
‘I just don’t feel it’s the right thing for me personally. Call it religious or cultural or whatever. I mean, I don’t think abortion should be illegal or anything. I just don’t agree with it for me.’
‘Man, you think you know someone . . .’ said Nat.
‘It’s still me,’ I insisted.
‘So you’re not gonna start bombing abortion clinics or anything then?’ she said with a smile.
‘Nat – don’t be an idiot. I’m not saying—’
‘I know,’ she said, interrupting me this time. ‘I understand what you mean.’
‘And?’
‘And I think you’re bonkers. But I’ll still love you and . . .’
‘What else?’ I asked.
‘If you are going to have a little monkey, can I be its godmother?’ She had tears in her eyes as she spoke.
I smiled and gave my best friend a hug. ‘Of course you can, Nat.’
‘Can I buy it little trainers and stuff?’
‘Yeah.’
Nat was off on one. ‘I hope it’s a girl – we can call her Lily and buy her cute dresses and sing songs to her about fairies and princesses and—’