by Nina Levine
“I have no fucking doubt, sweetheart,” he muttered, but I could hear the playful tone in his voice.
Ten minutes later, I was clean after a shower, and exited the bathroom to find J passed out on the bed. It was so unlike him to do that; he must have been exhausted. I threw my t-shirt back on and headed out to the kitchen to get a drink. My phone was on the kitchen counter and the flashing light to indicate I’d received a text caught my eye. I smiled when I saw it was from Serena.
Serena: Good to have biker boy home?
Me: Yeah but I think I killed him with the sex...
Serena: That’s my girl.
Me: You getting any, babe?
Serena: Ha! Next question.
Me: I miss you...
Serena: Well you did move the fuck away...
Me: Yeah...I did...
Serena: Ok, ok...I admit it, I’d move for a hot ass like that too.
Me: BAM! Knew you’d admit it eventually.
Serena: We will never talk of this again. I’m still pissed that I’ve lost my best friend.
Me: Talk of what?
Serena: That’s why I love you.
Me: Goodnight, honey.
Serena: Night. Talk tomorrow.
Serena always brought a smile to my face; every woman should have a best friend like her. We’d spent some time together last month in Coffs when I visited her and Blake but I wasn’t sure when we’d see each other again. Maybe one day I’d convince her to move to Brisbane.
I switched off the lights and made my way back to the bedroom where J was fast asleep. Lingering in the doorway for a moment, I thought about our earlier conversation. J seemed concerned about my father and how he might come between us. I decided in that moment to do everything in my power to make sure that didn’t happen. My relationship with my dad had often been a hard one over the years, and now that the truth had come out about his secret family and the way he treated Mum, I truly wanted very little to do with him. J really was the most important person in my life and I resolved to show him that.
Chapter 1
2 months later - November
Jason
I checked the time.
Again.
Fuck.
I wanted to go home, wanted to be with Madison more than any-fucking-thing in the world, but I couldn’t make myself do it. Everything had changed; I had changed. And I didn’t know if she could accept these changes. And the not fucking knowing was driving me insane. It was driving me to do things I never did. Like not chasing her pussy like I fucking wanted to.
Shit.
I craved her pussy like a man fucking possessed. Craved those eyes of her on me. Craved those lips of her; wrapped around my dick and every-fucking-where else on me. And yet, here I was, at a fucking strip club, at eight o’clock at night when I should have been at home with her.
I reached for my drink and swung my eyes to Scott as he came towards me. I nodded at him and then drained my glass.
His face creased with concern as he pulled up a seat next to me. “You alright, brother?”
There were no secrets between us, not even where his sister was concerned. I shook my head. “No.”
“What the fuck’s wrong?”
“Marcus. That’s what the fuck is wrong.”
“Christ. What did he do now?”
I stood up. “Need another drink to do this. You want one?”
He nodded yes and I headed to the bar to get them. When I came back with the drinks, he took his beer from me and threw half of it back fast.
“Figured this is going to hurt,” he muttered.
“Yeah, brother. You could say that,” I agreed and followed suit. The bourbon burned on the way down, just the way I liked it. I slowly placed the glass on the table between us and then started talking. “Marcus is a cunt. Sent me into some situations when I was away that caused me to do things I never fucking thought I’d do.”
“And?”
“And now I don’t know how to live with some of that. And I sure as hell don’t know how to live with him in my life. And to top that the fuck off, I want to marry his daughter.” I stopped and reached for my drink again, draining it faster than the last one. Eyeing him, my words sliced through the air, “You tell me how the fuck I do that. How do I love a woman whose father I want to take a fucking knife to and gut like the fucking animal he is?”
Scott quickly reached for his beer and downed it. “Christ, J. What the fuck did he make you do?”
This was about to hurt but it couldn’t be avoided. “Your father is a master manipulator; more devious than I ever gave him credit for. I’m sure he has an agenda that neither of us are going to like.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Marcus sent me to the Adelaide chapter, wanted me to deal with a suspected paedophile in the club. I found the fucker alright and confirmed the dirty shit he was up to. What Marcus failed to mention was that there was a ring of them in the town and that he already knew they existed. He also failed to mention that the asshole was the fucking VP of the club and that he was standing in the way of a club deal to move some coke.”
“How long had he known they existed?”
Yeah, Scott was a smart guy. He could already see where this was going. “For over a fucking year.”
His face constricted in anger as he connected the dots. “That motherfucker.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything else.
We sat with our fury for awhile before he asked, “He wanted you to take out the VP for him so they could move the coke deal through?”
“Yes.”
“And he played on what happened to your cousin and your hatred of paedophiles.” It wasn’t a question; he knew. And it would only increase his hatred of his father once he’d put it all together.
“Yeah, brother.”
“What did you do?” He said this as he motioned for more drinks to be brought to us. Thank fuck we owned this club; we’d need a lot more alcohol to get through this.
“I fucking played right into Marcus’s hands. And, even though I don’t regret what I did, I fucking hate that I walked into his trap.”
“Fuck, J, get to the point. I’m not used to you being so god damned reflective.”
The rage I’d been holding in for a long time reared it’s ugly head and threatened to explode out of me but I kept it in check. Just. Scott hadn’t done anything to deserve it. No, it could fester for awhile longer until I decided to unleash it on the one person who did fucking deserve it. After sculling the drink we’d just had brought over, I gave him what he’d asked for. “I walked into the worst fucking situation you could imagine; something I’ll never wipe from my mind.” My heart was beating wildly in my chest as the sick images flashed through my head. My mouth went dry and I fought the rising bile. “I lost it, brother. I used my bare hands to kill the two assholes in that room and then I found the VP who was the fucking ringleader and I dragged his death out so that he experienced pain like he’d never fucking dreamt of.” I eyed the waitress and lifted my chin at her while holding up two fingers to indicate I needed two drinks. Scott did the same.
He took a moment; letting it sink in. “So, you’re telling me that Marcus knew this was going on but he held off on dealing with it until it suited his fucking purpose? And he used you because he fucking knew you’d do exactly what he wanted due to your cousin being abused as a kid?” His anger was building.
“Yeah brother, that’s what I’m telling you.”
“Fuck.”
I tossed back another drink and leant forward towards him. “I’m also telling you that Marcus took great fucking delight in thanking me for doing it. He’s a sick fuck on top of everything else.” My hard eyes penetrated his. “Now, you tell me just how the fuck I can be with Madison knowing that she would be fucking gutted to know this about her father, and knowing that she doesn’t want secrets between us.” I drank the other drink sitting in front of me.
Scott watched me and shook his head. “Got no fucking idea.”
> “Exactly.”
I stood. It was way past the time to go home. My cock wanted Madison but the rest of me hoped like hell that she was asleep. I didn’t want to confront any of this yet.
As I walked away from Scott, he called out, “What’s Marcus’s agenda?”
I stopped and turned back to him. “Don’t know, brother. But it’s gonna hurt, you can fucking bet on it.”
“Fuck!” Scott roared.
I left him there. Marcus was successfully fucking with all of us but I felt for his kids the most. As much as I felt fucked over by him, they’d had to deal with the discovery that their father was far from the man they thought they loved. And that cut deep; I knew from personal experience. It laid scars on your soul that you never even knew existed; scars that hurt for years to come as you found them.
Chapter 2
Madison
My alarm woke me at seven and when I reached for J, I was disappointed to find his side of the bed empty. An uneasy feeling hit my gut. J loved morning sex but we hadn’t had it for a few weeks now. Add to that the fact we were only having sex every few days now and I was slightly worried. We’d always been a couple who had sex every day, often more than once.
I dragged myself out of bed and went in search of him. He was nowhere to be found. Instead, I found a scribbled note telling me he’d had to go in early to take care of some stuff with Griff. I sat down at the table for a moment, reading his note and trying to process the fact that he hadn’t woken me up to at least say goodbye. Deciding I needed another opinion on this I rang Blake.
“Don’t read too much into it, baby doll. Men aren’t as fucking complicated as women like to make them out to be,” Blake advised me a couple of minutes later.
Sighing, I said, “Really? Because he does my head in some days so if that’s not complicated, I don’t know what is.”
“No, that’s probably just you making shit up in your head.”
If he’d been standing in front of me, I would have smacked him. “You men always stick together!”
He chuckled. “I’m not saying this for J’s sake. I’m saying it for yours. You’ve decided to be with him, and as much as that concerns me sometimes, I’ll always support your choices. If you want to make it work this time, you need to figure him out and stop overthinking everything.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever figure him out completely but I’m working on not reacting to everything so quickly. I know that’s one of my biggest problems.”
I could sense his smile on the other end of the line when he said, “J’s a lucky man. Now, I have to go because I’ve got customers to get to. But, you need to talk to him and find out what’s going on; chances are it’s not what you’ve been thinking. I’ll try to call you tomorrow but I may run out of time. Love you.”
“I love you more, Blake Stone,” I replied and we hung up. Thank God I had Blake in my life; his advice about men was invaluable some days.
***
That afternoon, I ducked into the clubhouse on my way home from work to drop off some paperwork for Mum. I’d had a long day at work and was anxious to get in and out quickly to avoid running into my father. I also really just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Of course, good intentions never go to plan; I ran into Nash on my way in.
“Whoa, sweet thing. Hold up,” Nash said as he placed both hands on my upper arms and stopped me.
“Hey, Nash,” I responded, trying to keep my focus on him rather than on the thoughts that were swirling around in my head.
He kept his hands on my arms and his eyes bore down into mine. “What’s wrong, Madison?” I could hear the concern in his voice and it touched me. For all his cockiness and dirty talk, Nash was a sweetheart. We’d grown closer over the last couple of months and I’d come to rely on him to vent my frustrations to. He was also good to get a guy’s perspective on stuff when I was mad at J.
“I just want to drop this paperwork off for Mum and then get out of here,” I answered him, doing my best to avoid his questioning gaze. Nash could read people really well and tonight I didn’t want to be read. I just wanted to get home.
He shook his head, and grabbed my hand. “Nope, not good enough, darlin’. You’re coming with me and you’re going to talk.”
Shit.
He led me out of the hallway and into the bar area where we could be alone.
“Nash, I really don’t have time for this today,” I complained as he forced me onto a barstool.
“I’ve learnt that we need to make time for this type of shit, otherwise people like us fall back into old habits,” he replied, thoughtful eyes scanning mine. “And that’s a place you don’t want to go.”
“You’re being dramatic. I’m not about to rush out and have a bloody drink over this.”
“No, but if you keep it locked up it will fester. Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
I blew out a long breath, and realising that he wasn’t going to let this go, I started talking. “It’s J. He’s not himself and I’m not sure how to handle it.”
“What do you mean, not himself?”
I felt guilty talking to Nash about this. J wasn’t a huge fan of Nash’s so I didn’t feel it was right to talk about our problems with him. In the past, I hadn’t shared specific problems with Nash; I’d just talked in general terms about men.
Nash was a perceptive man and picked up on my hesitation. “He’s not giving you the cock you need?”
“God, Nash.” I shook my head at his phrasing.
“What? I’m wrong?”
Again, I hesitated. J would be livid if he knew I was having this conversation.
“So, I’m right. What’s his problem? If you were my woman, you’d never go without my cock, and you’d be fucking assured that it’d be the best damn sex you’d ever had.”
I had to smile at his words this time; so confident and self assured. I liked that in a man. “Tell me, if you did have a woman, what would cause you to stop putting out?”
He chuckled. “I’ll answer that but let’s be clear, that would never fucking happen. The only thing that would stop me would be if the connection was broken.”
I sat there stunned. Nash, flirty Nash who had sworn off relationships, had probably just hit the nail on the head and I would never have expected that from him. I leaned closer to him and half whispered, “What else do you have tucked away in your heart that you’re hiding from the world?”
He didn’t even flinch. Instead, he leaned even closer to me so that our faces were now inches apart, and whispered back, “Everything. There’s no need to spread that shit around.” He pulled back away and continued, his voice louder now, “But you, sweet thing, have a fucking way of getting in there, so take what I tell you and use it to fix your shit. One of us should benefit from my demons.”
Warmth spread through me. This was a rare glimpse into Nash. He kept himself hidden and locked away; I’d always known that, but slowly he was revealing himself to me. I wondered how long it would take to drag the demons from his soul. I touched his arm lightly and smiled at him. “I wish you’d show your real self to more people. There’s a beautiful soul in there, I can tell. Thank you for that.”
He stood up abruptly, his face darkening. “This is the real me, babe. Don’t fucking mistake me; I’m the bastard you’ve always known.”
I looked up at him and shook my head. “No, I don’t believe that.”
“Believe what you want, Madison, but don’t delude yourself. I am who I am,” he muttered before turning to leave. He took a couple of steps and then turned back to me to add, “Like your new hair by the way; suits you.”
I gave him a huge smile. I’d added some highlights to my hair and had it layered two days ago and J hadn’t noticed. That had hurt. “Thanks, Nash,” I said.
He nodded and then he left me to sit and mull over everything he’d said. I must have sat there for ten minutes or so thinking about it before coming to the conclusion that Nash was right; my connection with J was off. Now
I just had to work out if it was because of life getting in the way or if there was something deeper that needed fixing.
Chapter 3
Madison
“We’re going out next Friday, right? Girls night.” I was at Harlow’s cafe and said this to her as she passed me my morning coffee.
She grinned at me. “Hell, yeah”
I drank some of my coffee before confiding, “Thank God. You have no idea how much I need a girl’s night.”
“What’s wrong, honey?”
I didn’t hold back; I’d been keeping this bottled up for too long and needed to talk to her about it. “It’s J. He’s pulling away from me and our sex life has gone to shit.”
“Wow, really? You and J having problems in the bedroom; never thought that day would come.”
“I know!” I blurted out. “But we are, and I hate it. I need to fix it so you have to tell me how.”
She laughed. “Why me? I’m far from a sex therapist. Trust me, I’ve had a lot of dud lays in my life.”
I shook my head. “No, our problems aren’t that the sex is bad, because it’s not. We have great sex, awesome fucking sex, and that’s why I need more. I need to know how to fix our connection and you’re good at working out people, so you need to work out what J’s problem is.”
“I still hardly know J. He’s distant and I can’t get a handle on him.” She had that thoughtful Harlow look in her eye so I knew she was thinking about it now. That was good; I had faith that she could help me crack this.
“Yeah, he’s slowly becoming more and more distant,” I agreed.
“You know, whenever your Dad is around or the conversation involves him, J retreats into his moody, pissed off self. It’s like he doesn’t want a bar of Marcus.”
“He doesn’t. He’s told me that.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Why? I mean, apart from the obvious, is there something else going on with those two?”
I thought about it for a moment. “I just thought it was because of their fight. Do you think something else has happened between them?”