Jason knew Jess's body language by now quite well, and he didn't need words. The little tug and the way Jess shifted, almost shyly, said what he wanted: to be held and cuddled to sleep. Jason moved awkwardly and got them both under the messy sheet. It would be a bad cleanup later, but it was already too late to be neat. Acutely aware of his body, and of Jess's, he pulled the smaller man into his arms, and Jess curled there willing and warm and loose-limbed. He was asleep in moments, comforted and content.
Jason stared wide-eyed at the blank wall, barely breathing, holding onto Jess loosely. But it had been too much for him to retain his wakefulness, and he soon fell asleep as well, still holding onto Jess.
#
When Jason came to in the morning, the first thing he saw was Jess sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him, and naked. He looked very thoughtful and sort of…lost.
"Hey," croaked Jason, reaching out a hand to touch his back gently. "You all right?"
Jess turned, a smile on his face that was only a little awkward. His eyes held warm affection and gratitude, and something a little sad. "Thank you. For last night. That was…I know it was outside your preference, but it helped. Thanks."
"Yeah," said Jason awkwardly. They'd never really bothered thanking one another for sexual pleasure before. It was something they both enjoyed. And this had been…enjoyable too, but different. Scary, intense, and just…different.
But he might be able to get used to it for Jess, if he really needed that. He searched Jess's gaze. "If it's going to be a regular thing, I need to be sure I'm not gonna hurt you."
"You don't, um, enjoy that then?"
He shrugged. It was hard to talk about what he did and didn't enjoy, and the way he sometimes felt about sex in general — scared about it, negative, conflicted.
At least when he was touching and cuddling Jess, it felt safe and good. He did secretly really love being tender with people he was fond of. And he was fond of Jess.
"It was different," he settled on. "I don't know. Some of me did, and some…wasn't so sure."
Jess reached over and patted his hip with a gentle fondness. "Well, you did great, and it was appreciated, believe me." He smiled and shook back his curls a little.
He was looking very attractive this morning, and didn't seem bothered by his nudity. But his expression grew serious.
"I'm definitely not going to demand that from now on. I'm sorry I sort of…pushed you into it. I mean, by threatening to go out with a stranger. At the time I really meant it, but…now I think you're right. It would've been too sad, and possibly dangerous."
Jason swallowed hard. "Yes." Some stranger might've treated him poorly, hurt him — inside, or elsewhere — or been angry once learning he was mechanicalized and attacked him. He might never have come home.
Jason opened his arms, unable to bear the thought. Jess smiled at him shyly and moved into his arms, accepting the affection. Jason stroked his arm and kissed his face softly. Jess turned his face a little, eyes closed, giving him access to wherever he wanted.
"I do like this too, you know," he said softly.
"I thought so," said Jason, relieved and a little smug. It was good not to feel so odd for wanting to touch and be tender.
Jess sighed and opened his eyes after bit, pulling away reluctantly. "We should start breakfast. And…maybe we should make a plan about your doctor, so you don't end up like me." He met Jason's gaze a little sadly, a little guiltily. "I know you've been spending more time with me, and that's not right."
"It's okay," said Jason. "Really."
"It's not." He reached out and gave Jason's arm a bracing rub, gentle and awkward and rushed. "It's… You deserve the best."
Jason didn't know what to say to that, so he smiled awkwardly and got up. They dressed in silence, and then went down to start the meal. He felt very aware of things this morning — every little detail of his life. How precious and vulnerable it all was. If he didn't have this job — this kind boss, these sometimes-annoying people in his life — he'd be so very alone. His parents hadn't wanted him back at the farm after he survived the war "the way he did."
He was a strong man, but strength counted for little these days, when most people were scared to hire mechanicalized men. And he could seem a little intimidating even on the best of days.
He'd probably have starved to death.
He looked over at Jess, who was chopping vegetables. Jess smiled at him. He seemed easier now they were working and not talking about serious things. It must gall him to know Jason still had a shot at the doctor, but that he'd missed his own by being too shy and circumspect.
Or had he? Wouldn't Carl have noticed him if he'd wanted to? Carl had thought that young man who approached Jason after the fight was attractive, and had implied he'd have had difficulty turning him down. He might grieve for Harry, but he wasn't blind, and he couldn't live in the past forever.
If Carl's good friend, who came over all the time and was gay and cute, just hadn't caught his attention while other men had…it was safe to say he wouldn't have been interested no matter how much Jess threw himself into his path.
Jason determined never to tell this to Jess. It would be pretty hurtful. Nobody wanted to hear, "Yeah, that was never going to happen, and he could care less. Or if he had gone to bed with you, it would've been for pity and convenience, nothing more."
He stopped, whisk suspended in midair, dripping egg back into the bowl. His heart smote him. "Jess…" he began, turning to the man. "Are we…are we hurting each other? Because it's just…I don't know. Because of this?"
He waved his metal hand awkwardly back and forth between them.
Jess looked startled — they never talked about such things during the day — but then he gave Jason one of his crooked smiles that showed the cracked tooth. "I don't think so. It's helped us both, hasn't it?"
And he nudged Jason's arm with his shoulder and went back to chopping.
He seemed so certain now. It relieved Jason. He liked being with Jess. There was so much comfort and warmth in being near one another and sharing a bed. Last night had been frightening and different, and he would be thinking about why it was that way for him for some time to come — whether it was his fears or his different desires that made him uncomfortable with that — but right now, he knew he'd have gone back up there and given Jess whatever he needed yet again, if only to take that scarred, desperate look out of his eyes.
He liked Jess. He was fond of Jess. He loved—
He stopped whisking again.
"Yeah?" asked Jess. "What is it now?" His tone held a great deal of affection, but also managed to imply it was always something.
"Um…nothing," said Jason, his voice awkward and strained.
A few minutes later, Harrold came into the kitchen, yawning a little and scratching at his hair, which was still uncombed.
"Hello," he croaked. "Is there any coffee?"
He looked charming in his bare feet and his half-closed dressing gown over striped pajamas that hugged a slim, tall frame. He was a well-formed man by anyone's measure. But somehow, Jason's heart didn't turn over the way it had for so long at the sight of him.
And…he realized he hadn't thought of him once for hours. If anything, he'd nearly forgotten Harrold was here. Rather than lighting up his life, he was just…passing through, the way he always did.
"Um…" Jason gaped at him, seeing — and not seeing — and everything was so…
When had this happened? Was he actually over the doctor?
Jess sent him a faintly amused, scolding look, and went to serve the doctor. "Here you go, sir. Have a good trip?"
"Um…well, tiring, to be precise." Harrold blinked, looking half blind and strangely bare without his glasses. He rubbed his eyes and drank coffee with lots of cream. Jess had made it the way he liked — something Jason usually did.
"If either of you need anything fixed or adjusted, let me know," he said at last. "I have to head out again tonight, I'm afraid."
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He looked up at Jason, and warmth touched his eyes, replacing some of the exhausted, harried expression there. He put a hand on Jason's shoulder. "It's good to see you, Jason." He set down his empty mug and sighed. "Thank you, Jess. I'd better go and shave. Do let me know if anything needs adjusting…"
He wandered off, looking lost and still half asleep.
Jason would normally have the urge to run after him, to take care of him. Now he just called, "Maybe you could grab a couple more minutes' sleep. Somebody can wake you for breakfast when it's ready."
The doctor paused, thinking.
"Yes," said Jess. "You don't really need to shave that bad."
Harrold laughed softly. "Thank you." He rubbed his chin. "Yes. I'll — I'll let it wait." He headed back upstairs, clearly ready to sleep for twelve more hours.
"That man works too hard," observed Jess, and went back to chopping. "He needs someone to take care of him." He looked at Jason, and his brows rose suggestively. "Maybe you should be a little less gape-mouthed around him, and a little more, I don't know, talkative? You just stared. Honestly."
Jess finished an onion with a flourish and reached for another. "First batch." He handed Jason the plate of chopped onions and went to peel the second one over the garbage bowl.
Jason wandered to the stove in a daze, put a pan on a burner, added some butter, and slid the onions in. They began to warm slowly, smelling pungent and good.
He already had the eggs beaten. All he needed was to fry the onions, add the eggs, and keep making batches till everyone in the house had eaten their fill of fluffy eggs-and-onions. There were no fresh peppers this week, and the mushrooms had been too expensive, so they had onions only and a few herbs. And the children in the household liked theirs without either, just a bit of cream and cheese added.
It would take hours, cycling through the two big frying pans, and he and Jess would be washing one of the pans while cooking in the other, stirring eggs, chopping and beating for ages to come. A big household and very hungry people who ate a lot of breakfast made this the most intense time of the day. Between serving everyone, they would get started with whatever was needed for lunch, bake the bread that had risen last night, and perhaps start some biscuits or muffins if that wasn't going to be enough.
The reason they worked together and for this household so well was that they were diligent and flexible, and like two hands of the same body, both real and not mechanical, working together automatically, easily, and without complaint.
It had been like that almost from the first, even when Jess was angry and awkward and scared. And it still was, even with Jess a bit brokenhearted and Jason confused as anything.
If he didn't know better—
No. He did know.
He was…he was very confused, but he was starting to realize something quite important about his feelings for the doctor and Jess. They were not what he'd imagined they were at all.
How had he stayed so blind? He felt his cheeks heating as he bent over the cooking, not wanting Jess to see, to laugh once he realized.
Oh, it would be a laugh of great affection. Jess would be very kind to him, no doubt — but he felt vulnerable and raw with this realization, and it hurt him to think about that laugh.
He would put it off as long as he could.
#
That night, Jess stroked him gently, his eyes filled with compassionate concern. "What is it?"
"Nothing," said Jason, trying not to meet his gaze. He felt so ashamed of himself for falling in love, without even realizing it. He felt like a fool. Jess was still grieving over the man he'd wanted and fallen for, and now Jason felt so confused and tender…and embarrassed about these feelings for him.
Oh, they'd been there for a long time now. He'd just been too stupid to realize.
Now would be a bad time to mention them.
Yes. Time was what they needed — lots of time.
"Is it about last night? I'm sorry," said Jess softly. "I won't ask for that again, not for a long time, and never so you feel like you have to say yes, okay?" He gave him a little kiss. Then he drew back, eyes sparkling. "Although I wouldn't mind sucking on you some more if that doesn't bother you." He gave Jason a wink.
Jason blushed. "I…um…uh… You really liked that?"
Jess ducked his head and gave a soft, embarrassed little laugh. It said yes more clearly than any words could've done.
Jason laughed gently, feeling less insecure now. He drew Jess into his arms warm and safe, where he could hug him and abandon all pretense — at least with himself — that he wanted anyone else. He kissed him on the nose. "I liked it too," he said softly.
Jess ducked his head against Jason, snuggling shamelessly close, hiding his face. He mumbled something, but when asked to repeat it, just shook his head and kissed Jason till he stopped being curious.
They made love their usual way that night, with touches and caresses, ending with rubbing their bodies together in a pleasantly building way. It felt very affectionate; at the same time it was pleasing sexually.
Jason really enjoyed how comfortable they were together this way, how good it all felt. He didn't even feel ashamed afterwards anymore, at least not usually.
#
But after that he became aware that Jess was trying to specifically make more time for him to be around the doctor. It was appreciated but…at the wrong time. He wanted to be grateful, but all he was felt was awful embarrassment. How could he hide his new, confused state if Jess was going out of his way to help him win over the doctor? It was growing downright awkward. Sometimes it was even when they were comforting each other sexually at night. Intimate moments, with the man he was ever increasingly sure he was starting to love…as in love-love, not just as a friend, but in the place in his heart the doctor had held for so long. But no. Jess was getting insistent — painfully so.
"Come on…that's the way." Jason's voice was soft and gentle, and he gave a little laugh as he urged Jess on, just a happy little sound. He did love seeing the man like this, urgent and desperate and filled with pleasure, thrusting against him, so close. He guided, steering, helping…
Jess came. He hid his face against Jason's shoulder, panting hard. Then he looked up, a raw, naked, stark expression in his eyes, earnest and searching.
"You've…" he panted. "You've got to…walk with him tomorrow. I've worked it out. You've…got to." And he collapsed on his face again, resting, heaving in great breaths of air.
Jason stroked him, comforting him while trying to hide his frown. It seemed like Harrold was intruding everywhere these days, and at the most inopportune times.
"We'll see," he said softly. "But let's enjoy this right now."
"I did. Thanks." Jess pulled away rather reluctantly and then rolled over and faced the other way, so his back was to Jason.
He wasn't normally shy about the huge Y-scar on his chest, but sometimes he got a little embarrassed. Jason thought that was probably what it was now. He spent a few minutes just stroking Jess's back and arms, till he felt the other man relax into sleep.
And then, he spent a few minutes frowning thoughtfully into the air. It looked as though forgetting about the doctor wasn't going to be easy. Jess wasn't going to let him.
#
Sure enough, he found out the next day that Jess had worked out a walk. It was ridiculous, of course, but for some reason his suggestion and hint had been taken.
"Yes, a walk after lunch would certainly be healthful," said Harrold, dabbing at his lips with a napkin.
He was often too distracted to remember to comb his hair and button his shirt correctly unless someone reminded him, too worried about others to remember to eat unless someone reminded him he had to take care of himself, too. But whenever he did eat, the man always was the politest person imaginable. He ate slowly and carefully, thanked people, passed dishes, and used his napkin. It was refreshing to Jason, who was used to feeding some rather hoggish guests.
He couldn't help wondering
— again — what Harrold would be like in bed. Would he be utterly polite, or distracted, or passionate? He certainly showed passion for his medical work, and he cared about people a great deal. But he never seemed to have time or interest in romance.
All the same, Jason wondered; but not in the way he used to, like a hopeless longing. This was more like curiosity, not trying to understand the man completely, but wishing he could decode the wonderful Harrold — the man he had never quite understood, just fallen for hopefully. Now he felt more clear-eyed and less smitten. Was that a good thing?
He glanced at Jess, walking up ahead. He had his hands in his pockets, and was walking with a bouncy, unconcerned, rolling stroll — kind of tough and as though he hadn't a care in the world. He alternated his attention between looking up at the buildings they were passing and staring down at the cobblestone sidewalk under his feet. He had pulled ahead purposefully, leaving Jason and Harrold to fall naturally into step together.
It was kind of him — kind, and frustrating. Harrold smiled at Jason, however, and he smiled helplessly back. Harrold's smile could light a room, had always been able to, would always be able to.
"Jason," said Harrold. "I haven't gotten to talk with you much lately. How are you?" He had such gentle kindness about him, and he asked like he wanted to know. The man was never less than genuine, give him that.
Jason smiled at him shyly. "I'm doing well." I'm happy. I think I'm falling in love with Jess. "Is your work going well?"
"Oh, yes, but I always talk about work. Your friend reminded me that I oughtn't to neglect my friends — if I want to keep them." He smiled ruefully, showing his hopelessly white teeth.
"You'll never lose me as a friend, Harrold," Jason promised. "Even if you did save my life."
Cold Hands, Warm Heart: steampunk gay romance Page 6