Instinctively, Adam felt for her. ‘What does the doctor say?’
‘To rest, and be careful. That’s why I’ve been tiptoeing around today.’ Briefly, she touched the back of Adam’s wrist. ‘You can’t know how worried I was before you called.’
‘My family can do without me,’ he said carelessly, ‘and me without them. So why don’t you finish that and go get some rest? If we’re about to get blown away, I’ll let you know.’
Carla looked relieved. Sipping the last of her soup, she slowly stood and rested her hand on Adam’s shoulder. ‘Go,’ he said in mock sternness.
In the doorway of her bedroom, she turned to glance at him, then closed the door behind her. Outside, the wind howled and whistled with new ferocity.
*
Adam lay on the couch, listening to weather forecasts cutting through the static. Near midnight, it became clear that the hurricane would veer toward the mainland, sparing Martha’s Vineyard. As the wind buffeting the windows became more fitful, he allowed himself to sleep.
Deep in the night, Adam awakened with a start, reaching for the gun he did not have. Disoriented, he stared into the darkened room, then felt his pulse racing and the sweat dampening his forehead. Breathing in, he tried to relax, even as he cursed his dreams. But when the bedroom door opened, he started.
In the candlelight, Carla crossed the room to kneel beside him. ‘What was it?’
‘Nothing,’ Adam said tersely. ‘Go back to sleep.’
Carla did not move. ‘You called out, Adam – not to me. You were somewhere else.’
‘I wouldn’t know.’
Carla grasped his wrist. ‘I think you do.’ She hesitated, then said bluntly. ‘Ben had nightmares – bad ones. When he awakened, he knew exactly where he’d been. Back in Vietnam, reliving horrors that had stayed with him for forty years. All he would tell me was, “There are some things men aren’t made to outrun.”’ She placed the back of her curled fingers against Adam’s forehead. ‘So be fair to yourself, please. Whatever they’ve taught you, you’re not a stone.’
Adam released a breath. ‘No, I’m not. But these are new.’
‘Can you tell me about them?’
Adam hesitated, caught between the iron rules he lived by and his desire, this once, not to feel alone. At last he said, ‘I’m either about to kill someone, or about to be killed. Christ knows why I’m having them now.’
‘Maybe because you’re going back. This job you have – it’s more dangerous than the one you described, isn’t it?’
For a time, Adam was mute, the words caught in his throat. ‘Much more.’
Carla nodded. ‘Can you quit?’
‘No. If I quit now, other people who rely on me might get killed.’ His voice hardened. ‘The Benjamin Blaine I knew was a heartless, selfish bastard. No way he wanted to go to Vietnam. But he didn’t run away to Canada, or weasel out of the draft.
‘In almost every way, I pray to God I’m nothing like him. But I signed on for this one, whatever the risks, and now I have to see it through. These nightmares are the price of self-respect.’
To his surprise, he could feel her irritation even before she said, ‘Too bad that I’ve quit acting. That line would come in handy in a war movie.’ Catching herself, she said swiftly, ‘Sorry. But it actually matters to me what happens to you, all right?’
Adam tried to smile. ‘Then I’ll remember to avoid any clench-jawed heroics. At least when I’m sleeping on your couch.’
Carla retrieved a candle, placing it so that she could see his face. After a time, she asked, ‘Once this job is over, will your “company” send you somewhere else? Or will you actually make a choice?’
Adam had no answer. At length, he said, ‘Ten years in, I’m not sure what else I’d do.’
‘Maybe live a normal life,’ Carla responded with renewed gentleness. ‘That’s what I’m trying to do, and some days it feels okay.’
‘You were always a good actress,’ Adam responded, ‘because you inhabited your roles. I may not be quite as gifted. Anyhow, go back to bed. I’m fine now, and your current role requires resting for two.’
*
When Carla emerged again, the power was back on and Adam was gazing out of the window at a crystalline morning cleansed by the storm. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.
‘Better.’
‘Then we got off light.’
He saw Carla begin to say something, then think better of it. ‘Need to shower?’ she asked. ‘If you’re feeling grungy, you can always borrow my Lady Remington.’
Adam smiled. ‘Unless you have fresh clothes for me, I probably should get going.’ Then he realized that she might have men’s clothes there because of Ben.
She seemed to read his expression. ‘Anyhow, thanks for coming. And for staying.’
‘Sure.’ He hesitated. ‘If you run into a problem, are there people who can take you to the doctor?’
Carla nodded. ‘Friends from A.A., if I need them.’
‘What about when the baby’s born? Is anyone going to be there with you?’
Carla looked amused. ‘You mean like there, there? Back in the dark ages, I’ve heard, women had babies alone.’
Adam shrugged. ‘My mother did, I’m told. I guess Ben didn’t want to be there. Understandable, I suppose. But not ideal.’ He paused again. ‘Maybe I’ll be back by then. I can’t imagine why mere childbirth would faze me.’
Giving him an incredulous look, Carla shook her head emphatically. ‘I won’t be at my most attractive, so don’t even dream of it. Besides, you’ve missed out on all the birthing classes they’ve cooked up to make fathers feel useful. Given everything that will be going on, I don’t feel the need to keep you entertained.’
‘I get that. But maybe you could draft a girlfriend. Given “everything”, as you put it, I don’t like to think about you being alone.’
Her expression became more serious. ‘Thank you for that. But in a lot of ways, except for the months with Ben, I’ve always been alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just saying I’ll be fine.’
For a moment, Adam searched for what he wanted to tell her, then stood to leave. ‘Call me if you need anything, Carla. I’ll come by before I go.’
She hesitated, then came to him, giving him a swift, surprising kiss. ‘I’ll take that as a promise,’ she said softly. ‘Both of us will.’
EIGHT
The morning before he was to leave, Adam put on shorts and tennis shoes and began running along South Road, headed for Menemsha.
It was part of his routine, honing his endurance for whatever might happen in the field. He ran hard, as if he were being pursued; though the early morning sun was cool, he could feel the sweat clinging to his T-shirt. In the ten years of his exile from Martha’s Vineyard, spartan exercise had become like breathing to him, feeding his energy while allowing him to escape into a Zen-like trance. It was a metaphor, he supposed, for how he had chosen to live.
But today his emotions did not dissipate into the ether – Carla was too much with him. The questions Charlie Glazer had raised stung him, all the more so because he feared they might be true. It was his habit to avoid the darkest recesses of his inner landscape; his survivor’s instinct told him that no good would come of it. But, at least for today, his last meeting with Charlie, he would confront them. If his life ended in Afghanistan, there really was nothing to lose.
*
Charlie Glazer was sitting on the porch with his usual mug of coffee, gazing out at the expanse of Menemsha harbour. When Adam loped on to the porch, he placed his hands on the railing, catching his breath and taking in Charlie’s view.
‘On mornings like this,’ Charlie remarked, ‘I feel like the luckiest man on earth. When I think about it, maybe I am. Start with the odds against being born, beginning with the cavemen through every man and woman who had to meet for any one of us to exist. Throw in the fact that my immigrant parents had no money or education, but that I was born into the American Cen
tury and educated at Yale. Then take this morning, as fresh as Creation, with me sitting in this place. I can’t escape the feeling that my life is a gift. Nor do I want to.’
Though Charlie’s tone was musing, Adam sensed that he intended this observation as a message – that Adam could still seize the life that had been given him, and remake it for himself. Though Adam no longer believed this, some part of him – however sentimental or deluded – must have wanted to. Or why was he here?
He sat across from Charlie, ocean breezes cooling his face as the therapist passed him a cup of coffee. Crisply, Adam said, ‘Seems like we were talking about Carla.’
A trace of humour surfaced in Charlie’s eyes. ‘You remember.’
‘Hard to forget you asking if I wanted to fuck her to get back at a dead man. Is that what you really think?’
Unfazed, Charlie answered, ‘I was simply raising one possibility. Given all the other women you could be spending time with, it’s pretty hard to avoid the implications. What do you think?’
‘That I was with her during the hurricane, and it didn’t feel like that.’
Charlie watched his face. ‘What were you doing there?’
‘What do you suppose? She’d never been through one of these. My mother has Jack and Teddy, but Carla is pregnant and alone.’
‘And you’re also attracted to her, it’s clear. Can you tell me how that feels?’
Adam struggled to label emotions he could not quite grasp. ‘When I first met her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Because of Ben, it made me that much angrier or, perhaps, envious. More than that, she was my enemy – an extremely smart and acquisitive woman who had set out to steal my mother’s inheritance. But, even then, I realized there was something sexual in our hostility toward each other – or, at least, mine towards her. And, no, I’m not suggesting that was healthy.’
‘Or inexplicable,’ Charlie offered mildly. ‘I remember when I was young, seeing Jackie Kennedy at Logan Airport. As striking as she was in pictures, there was a vitality about her you could only feel in life. The next time I reacted to a woman like that was forty years later – when I saw Carla Pacelli leaving an A.A. meeting in Vineyard Haven.’ Charlie sipped his coffee. ‘So taking that as a given, what did you perceive about her over time?’
‘A number of things. There was this watchful intelligence that seemed to permeate each expression.’ Adam paused, summoning images from their early encounters. ‘I’m used to observing people closely. I began to feel that Carla was somehow like me – that beneath the celebrity persona, gracious and superficially approachable, she had a guarded, elusive quality, the ability to control and channel her emotions.
‘At first, I thought it was because she was clever, and an actress. Now I think she’s extremely self-protective, and that her reasons for that go far deeper than having to cope with being face-famous. There’s something wounded about her, I think, which is where the substance abuse comes from. Even her sense of humour – which seems pretty good when she allows it to show – is shot through with irony.’
Charlie regarded him with a trace of surprise. ‘That’s a fair amount to grasp about a woman you haven’t known that long.’
Pensive, Adam nodded. ‘This may not say anything good about either of us. But sometimes I have this sense that I’ve met my own species. Right down to the sense that she’s afraid to reveal herself for fear that something bad will happen.’
‘Except that she’s not working undercover,’ Charlie observed. ‘At the core, who do you think Carla Pacelli really is?’
Adam considered this. ‘A survivor, with deep feelings she’s afraid to reveal – except about this child she seems to want so desperately. The one emotion she’ll admit to is how afraid she is of a miscarriage. For good reason, it turns out.’
Charlie sat back, cradling the mug in his hands. ‘In other words, the focus of her life is bringing Benjamin Blaine’s child into the world. What does that say to you?’
‘It’s complicated.’ Adam could hear his own reluctance. ‘As I’ve admitted, I don’t like thinking about them together.’
‘What about this baby she’s carrying?’
‘That’s easier. I feel sympathy for him.’
‘Hard to avoid,’ Charlie observed pointedly. ‘Like you, he’s the product of an affair. As you were, his existence is a serious inconvenience to Clarice, threatening her security and public image. And, again, like you, he won’t have a father. Your real father didn’t claim you; this boy’s dad – your fake father – is dead. Which might make him seem, at least symbolically, more like you than any prospective baby on earth.’
Adam gazed at the deck. ‘I suppose that’s possible.’
Silent, Charlie seemed to withdraw, as if sorting out his thoughts. ‘If that’s true,’ he said at length, ‘this baby could represent a second chance to repair the past. You may hope Carla gets the chance to be a better mother than Clarice. You may even want to be a better father figure than Ben or Jack. But Carla’s pregnancy is also a constant reminder of her sexual relationship with a man who violated your girlfriend, propelling you into a wholly different life.
‘True, she seems to have coped with Ben more successfully than any woman I’m aware of. But she’ll forever be the last woman your quasi-father slept with. So everything about Carla and this child brings you back to your own past, in a way one might well describe as incestuous. If not downright Oedipal.’
Reading Adam’s expression, Charlie held up a hand. ‘I know you resent me for saying all this. I’m not entirely comfortable with it myself. But you’re perilously close to the belly of the beast, psychologically speaking, dredging up every aspect of a family history that – through no fault of yours – is best described as twisted.’ Charlie’s tone became gentle. ‘Ben brought you back here by dying, made you his executor in a final act of sadism, and stuck you with resolving his posthumous cruelties to your mother, brother, real father and – not least – you. Whatever laws you broke, the fact that you’ve brought any moral order to this mess is impressive beyond words. But if on any level you’re imagining being with Carla, you risk perpetually playing out your tortured relationship with the father of her child. Unless you can confront the complications head on, that could be devastating for all three of you.’
To Adam, each word felt like a blow. ‘That’s a pretty dire picture, Charlie – especially for a man who may have no chance to live it. Right now, all I want is for Carla and this boy to be okay. No matter what happens to me.’
‘I believe that’s true. But there’s more to this, it’s clear. I assume there’s a physical component to all this altruism.’
‘For both of us,’ Adam acknowledged. ‘But it’s fair to call that situationally limited, so don’t let your imagination get out of hand. That hasn’t been our focus.’
‘So what has?’
‘We’ve talked a fair amount – including about her recovery. She’s opened up a little, which is why I have a better sense of her.’
Charlie gave him a querying look. ‘But you’re less able to reciprocate. Does that trouble you at all?’
Adam felt a fresh wave of resentment, though he was not sure at whom. ‘There are a few things I can’t tell her,’ he said tartly. ‘Some of them involve Ben’s death.’
Charlie looked at him intently. ‘I won’t ask what you’re holding back. But all the walls you’ve built, plus the need to lie about your job, must make it hard to be authentic. I wonder if she senses that.’
Restless, Adam stood, walking to the railing. Without looking at Charlie, he said, ‘Maybe she does. But something happened to me. On the night of the hurricane, I told her more than I should have.’
Charlie’s voice was quiet. ‘What were the circumstances?’
‘I was sleeping on a couch, waiting out the storm. I had the nightmare again, the one where I’m dead, with Ben’s head on my body. I must’ve cried out – Carla heard me, and came from her bedroom to find out wha
t had happened.’ Adam paused, remembering the moment. ‘When she saw me, she seemed to understand. Ben had nightmares, too, she said – about Vietnam. All he’d told her, Carla said, was that there were some things men weren’t made to endure. Then she asked me what I really did, as if she already knew.’
‘What did you reveal to her?’
‘Not much. But I admitted my job was dangerous, and different than what I’d described.’ Saying this, Adam experienced the same queasy mix of relief and vulnerability. ‘Ben had already guessed aloud that I was C.I.A. Now she’s sure I am.’
‘What was her reaction?’
‘That she hoped I wouldn’t go back there. When I insisted that I had to, she became angry. Then she said it was because she cares about what happens to me.’
Charlie cocked his head. ‘How did that make you feel?’
‘For that moment, good. Then I was ashamed of breaking the rules.’ Pausing, Adam watched a sailboat breasting the choppy waters of the Vineyard Sounds. ‘If anyone confronts us – and no matter how harmless their suspicions may seem – we’re trained to “lie, deny, and make counter accusations”. If necessary, you deploy deflective humour, or infuse your lies with a grain of truth to make them more credible. You’re supposed to be like an onion – peel off the layers, and there’s nothing left. But I’m not sure that works with Carla. At least for one instant, I didn’t want it to.’
‘What are the rules about when you can tell a woman the truth?’
‘The relationship has to be very serious – engagement, if not the brink of marriage. I was way off the reservation.’
‘Literally, yes. But emotionally speaking, wasn’t that your way – if not exactly a proposal of marriage – of telling Carla that you want her in your life?’ Charlie’s voice softened again. ‘Perhaps the only chance, in your mind, given the foreboding in your nightmares.’
Adam turned to him, resistant. ‘It was a bad moment, and Carla happened to be there. Don’t make too much of it.’
‘And don’t make too little of it,’ Charlie rejoined. ‘Frankly, it’s the most hopeful thing I’ve heard from you since we started. Setting aside the obvious problems with this particular relationship, in this so-called “bad” moment, you wanted to be closer to another human being. Whatever the reason, Carla seems to call on that in you – you broke the rules for her, not someone else. Which raises the question of how those feelings will affect you in Afghanistan.’
Eden in Winter Page 10