by Sean Shake
“Oh little creature,” Krampus cooed, “how hard that must have been for you to admit.”
“Eat glitter,” she barked at him.
“Okay, how do we do that?” I asked.
All three looked at me.
“Putting out the fire. Not the other thing.”
“You’re the Santa Claus,” Alexa said. “So…” She stared meaningfully at me.
“Wonderful,” I groaned.
27
Outside, my ice wall obstructed much of the view of the rest of the area.
I might’ve put a bit too much effort into it.
That was going to be fun to get rid of. Literally, fun to use my spirit of fire on.
I was pretty sure it was too cold for it to melt on its own.
I finally checked my stats, to see if anything had changed.
STATS
Points
Available: 92
Generation rate: 10 per Earth hour while sleeping
Max capacity: 125
Energy
Fire: 33%
Ice: 41%
Progress
Unique Gifts: 0 created, 0 planned
Total Gifts: 0 created
Households Remaining: 2.1 billion
Percent Complete: 0%
Resources
Sleigh: N/A
Reindeer: 1
Elves: 0
Workshops: 0
Headquarters: 1, hidden
Spirits
Spirit of Christmas: 3
Spirit of Ice: 18
Spirit of Fire: 8
Spirit of Air: 0
Spirit of Joy: 0
Spirit of Time: 0
At least my ice spirit had gone up. Christmas too, I thought.
It was too bad there were no spirit-increase notifications so I could be sure.
Maybe Rue—if she’d been the one to make it in the first place—could put something like that in.
And what the hell was with my joy still being zero? I was joyful.
Wasn’t I?
At least it wasn’t negative-one anymore. Though I would have thought rescuing Alexa and Rue would have made it go up.
We walked past the ice wall and I looked at the task before me, the raging fires consuming all the structures. “Shame I don’t have a water spirit.”
“You don’t want to mess with the water spirits,” Rue said. “Have you ever heard of a good water spirit?”
“I—”
“No,” she interrupted, “you haven’t. They’re always seducing men, or eating children, or doing other disgusting things. Be glad you don’t have a water spirit.”
“How is seducing men—” I began, then thought of something else more pressing. “Wait, does that mean that I have an ice spirit inside of me?”
“There’s a fire waiting for you to put it out,” Rue said in lieu of answering.
I faced the fire at the nearest building.
It had been a large structure, perhaps four stories tall, and maybe eighty by one-hundred feet.
Now it was just a flaming skeleton of what it once was.
I channeled the ice spirit, letting the cold flow through me, entering in again through my neck and spreading throughout my body, then channeled it at the flaming building.
Ice formed around it, and frost gathered around my feet on the ground as I poured ice onto the flames until the building was completely encapsulated.
After a few seconds the flames were smothered, and the ice only barely melted. Then I turned to the next building and repeated the process.
By the time I was done, I was drained.
I didn’t need to check my energy levels to know that it had taken a lot out of me.
I collapsed to the ground and sat there, legs loosely crossed, head down, feeling defeated at having lasted so short a time.
I got most of the fires, but there was still one left. I just didn’t have enough energy to put it out. I was starving now, too.
“I’m impressed,” Rue said.
“I don’t need your sarcasm right now,” I managed to get out, and in so doing realized I was short of breath.
“It’s not sarcasm. It was impressive.” She knelt down beside me and put her hand on my shoulder, almost tenderly.
“You’re not the first new Santa I’ve seen, and I’ve never seen one learn his powers so quickly. Even with the contacts I gave you to help, I didn’t expect you to progress this far, this fast.”
I looked into her large metallic-blue eyes. “Thanks.”
She smiled at me, for, I think, the first time ever.
Then she stood up again. “But it’s not time to rest yet, there’s still one more fire to put out.”
I groaned. “Let me rest for a bit. I’m too tired. And hungry.”
“I’ll make you something!” exclaimed Alexa. “What would you like? Gingerbread? Candy canes? Fruitcake?”
“Not fruitcake.”
“Okay, gingerbread. And banana bread. And something else. I don’t know what. It’ll be a surprise!”
“Sounds good.” It did sound good. It also sounded like it might make me sick from all the sugar. But I felt like I’d earned it.
We sat in silence while she was gone, and I checked my stats.
My spirit of ice had gone up to 27 now. As for my energy levels, fire was at 34%, but ice was down to -88%. The hell did a negative energy number mean? What, was I filled with antimatter now?
Were these things calibrated right?
Or did it just mean that I’d overexerted myself? How often could I do that? Would it harm me? What were the side effects?
I sighed, my brain too hungry to think about any of these things right now.
A few minutes later Alexa came out of the house holding three huge plates.
She set them down in front of me, one by one. They looked and smelled fresh, and I wondered what magic she’d used to make them so quickly. “This one is gingerbread, this one is not fruitcake—”
“That looks like fruitcake to me.”
“Nope. I would never forget your preference for not-fruitcake. That is definitely not fruitcake. And third is candy-cane mint.”
“Where’s the banana bread?”
“Right here.” She lifted up the thing that looked suspiciously like fruitcake.
“I thought you said that wasn’t fruitcake? Banana’s a fruit.”
“Umm, no. This is banana bread. With dates and a few other fruits in place of bananas. Because I don’t have any bananas. They go bad too quickly.”
“That’s what banana bread is for. Using up overripe bananas.”
Her face fell.
“It’s okay, thank you,” I said, touching her cheek. “It looks delicious. And I can’t believe you made it so quickly.”
She smiled. “Good. I’m glad you like it.”
I looked at the one remaining burning building as I shoved what most certainly was fruitcake into my mouth.
I had to admit, it was actually quite good.
I didn’t know why I thought fruitcake would be bad, it just seemed disgusting every time I’d heard of it.
But this was good. Almost my favorite, though the icing on the gingerbread was amazing. As I stared at the flames—stuffing my face full of cake—I realized they weren’t burning like normal fire should.
That building should’ve gone out long ago if it’d been a normal fire. There just wasn’t that much to burn.
But it hadn’t, and it looked like it wasn’t gonna be going out anytime soon, not without external aid.
“Are you going to eat all of that?” Krampus asked, pointing at the candy-cane mint cake.
I looked at the cake, then up at the large demon. “Why? You eat cake?”
“Why wouldn’t I eat cake? Everyone eats cake.”
“I don’t eat cake. Usually.”
“Well then you look pretty stupid right now, eating cake.”
“That’s a terrible way to get me to give you cake.”
“I
’ll make you cake,” Alexa said. “What kind of cake would you like?”
“No one’s making any more cake!” Rue exclaimed. “We still have that fire to put out, and then we have a workshop to build, elves to gather, and new reindeer. Making new reindeer is not easy. Do you know how hard it is to find young women who would make good reindeer? I have to find ones that can channel magic and that can handle the transformation. That’s a lot of work, and we have now basically only eleven days to do it. And not even, because we need to have everything up and running before then, if we want to get everything ready by Christmas. We have lots of gifts to make, and workshops to rebuild.”
“So… no cake?” Krampus asked.
Rue let out disgusted sigh, bent down, snatched the piece of fruitcake from my hand that I was still eating, and held it to him. “Here’s your cake. Eat it and shut up.”
“Sheesh. I was just asking for some cake.” He took the cake from Rue—which looked ridiculously small in his large hands—and popped it into his mouth.
Then he let out an extremely loud moan of pleasure that I felt in my chest. “Oh, that is good. It’s been years since I’ve eaten.”
Shaking my head, I finished off the rest of the gingerbread and then took a big hunk of the candy-cane mint cake, before getting to my feet.
“Whoa,” I said. Maybe that had been a bit too much sugar. I was feeling pretty full.
If I kept up like this, I wouldn’t be needing that fat suit for very much longer to look like Santa Claus. Or what I had assumed Santa Claus looked like until this morning.
“Are you going to eat the rest of that?” Krampus asked, pointing at the remainder of the candy-cane mint cake.
“Knock yourself out,” I said gesturing at it.
“There’s no need to be rude. I was just asking.”
“What? No, it’s an expression. It means go for it.”
“Ah, yes. That’s right. They’re called idiots, right?”
“Idioms,” Rue corrected. “Am I the only one who pays attention to Earth?”
“I watch TV,” Alexa said, raising her hand.
After waiting for Krampus’s moan of pleasure to end, I got to work on putting out the final fire.
That sugar must’ve given me way too much energy—sugar instead of mana potions, it made a certain kind of sense for Santa—because I ended up fully encasing the building in ice, and having to put even more effort to stop myself.
When I was done, my ice energy level was at 3%.
“Wow, that was not what I meant to do,” I said, looking at the solid block of ice around the structure.
“It’s okay,” Alexa said. “We can turn it into an ice castle. I’ve always wanted one of those.”
“Right then,” I said. “Where do we start? What should we rebuild first?”
“We’re not going to do the rebuilding,” Rue said. “That’s what we have elves for. And magic. But mostly elves.”
“Okay,” I said, “where do we get elves?”
“Strip clubs.”
“What? You get elves at strip clubs?”
“Sure, that’s one place.”
“What are some other places?”
“Also brothels.”
“You mean to tell me Christmas elves only come from strip clubs and brothels?”
“No of course not. They also come from San Fernando Valley.”
“San Fernando Valley? What’s in San Fernando Valley?”
“Exactly.”
“Fine, whatever. Wait, so elves come from Earth?”
“Mostly,” Alexa answered.
“Mythics are a bit too unruly to be elves,” Krampus said.
“Unless they’re real elves,” Alexa put in.
“Right,” Rue agreed, nodding. “But those are hard to find. They know we like to catch them, and so they tend to hide from us.”
“Whoa whoa whoa, are you saying Christmas elves are slaves?”
“Of course not. We’re simply very… persuasive. It’s a good job, so it’s hard turn down.”
“Some would say, impossible,” Krampus said, and I was disturbed to see that I was getting to know him well enough that I could read the expression on his face, which was a mischievous grin.
“Don’t worry,” Alexa assured me, “we would never make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. We’re not the bad guys.”
“Right,” I said. “We’re Team Santa.”
“That is not our name, and that’s not becoming a thing,” Rue said firmly, pointing her finger at me.
28
“No one will notice me.”
“Are you delusional? I asked. “Of course people will notice you. You’re a seven-foot-tall demon. You have horns. And cloven feet. How could they not notice you?”
“I can be very surreptitious.”
Team Santa was standing around the portal leading to Earth, and I only now had realized that we had a huge demon with us, and that he was planning on staying with Team Santa through thick and thin.
In this case, that being heading to Earth and enduring the heat and bugs of Miami.
“It will be fine,” Alexa said. “People in your world tend not to pay attention. If they see something they think is impossible, they just assume that it is impossible, and they’re not seeing what they think they’re seeing.”
Rue shook her head sadly. “Don’t even believe their own eyes.”
I tried to come up with an objection, but really what was the worst that could happen?
He got detained by police? I would just pretend like I wasn’t with him. Just keep walking along like I didn’t even know him.
Oh hell, who was I kidding? The worst that could happen would be getting abducted by the government and never seeing the light of day again.
Though the Pentagon supposedly knew about us.
Would they disavow?
“Fine,” I said, despite this worst-case scenario. “But we need a plan.”
“We already have a plan,” Rue said. “Find elves.”
“That’s not a plan, that’s a goal. A plan is how you obtain a goal.”
“We go to Earth,” Krampus said, “we find some elves, and then goal accomplished.”
I sighed heavily.
29
The portal we took, which wasn’t the same one we had arrived through, since apparently Alexa and Rue didn’t want Krampus to know of their secret realm, let us out in Miami.
But since it wasn’t the same one we went through, it was somewhat far away from my truck.
At Haulover Beach.
Which if you’re not familiar with Miami, has a nude beach section.
Which is the section the portal led to.
So, about a week and a half before Christmas, I was walking down a nude beach with a demon, a reindeer, and Santa Claus’s daughter by my side.
And I was nowhere near naked. I was dressed, in fact, like I was planning to visit the Arctic or star in a Marvel movie.
Oddly the heat didn’t bother me. Though Alexa had taken her dress off due to the warmth.
“Are you gonna be okay?” I asked.
She at least was wearing underwear, and on the beach we didn’t stand out.
Not for her being in her underwear, anyway.
Surprisingly no one cried out in horror at seeing Krampus.
Maybe they thought it was a costume.
He was tall, abnormally tall, but not inhumanly tall.
Alexa wiped sweat from her forehead and shook her head, but contradicting this motion said, “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” But she looked about ready to take even her underwear off; anything to get some relief.
“I told you Miami was a bad place for you,” Rue said.
I looked up at Krampus. “You seem fine.”
“Oh, I love the heat.”
I shook my head. “What about you?” I asked Rue.
“It’s a bit warm for me, but I’m not as sensitive to heat as Alexa is. All she’s known is cold. It’s in her blood.”
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“What, does she have Scandinavian ancestors?”
“No, it’s literally in her blood. The magic makes her warm. She needs to stay in cool places so she doesn’t overheat.”
I looked at Alexa again, studying her. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?”
She nodded, and pulled at her bra, but didn’t take it off.
Her body glistened with sweat.
“Maybe you should get in the water. It’s warm, but it might help you cool off a bit.”
She handed me her dress without a word and trudged toward the water.
When she got to her thighs she fell forward flat on her face and stomach into the water.
“Alexa!” I called, dropping her dress and running after her.
I got to the water and grabbed her up, getting her face clear of the water.
Her eyes popped open, her purple gaze locking on mine. “What are you doing?” she asked slightly disoriented.
“You passed out.”
“No I didn’t. You said to go into the water.”
“Jesus, not like that.”
She looked around worriedly, then looked back at me. “How much farther?”
“Not too far. If we had gone back the way we’d come, you could be sitting in my air-conditioned truck right now.”
She shook her head weakly. “There’s no portal from the Northern Realm to Kalafen. We’d have to go through the realm with our hideout to get there.”
“Kalafen?”
“Where we left your motor vehicle. And Rue’s too paranoid about Krampus to bring him into our secret realm, even if he didn’t find out about our hideout. Think’s he’ll betray us. Or something. Eventually. She likes playing long games.”
“Come on,” I said, and reached under her, hoisting her up into my arms.
Then I walked out of the water and back to where Rue and Krampus were waiting.
“What are you doing?” Alexa asked.
“I’m carrying you the rest of the way. Put your arm around my neck.”
“No,” she said, but did I said and put her arm around my neck.
I smiled at her and then she rested her head against my shoulder.
“I’m fine,” she protested. “I can walk. Put me down.” Her eyes closed.
I could feel the heat radiating off of her and suddenly got an idea.