She leaned over to get a better look before her shocked blue eyes met mine. “Holy shit.”
I nodded. “Holy shit.”
She leaned against her doorframe while her perceptive eyes inspected me. “Then what are you doing here?”
I shrugged as another tear fell from my eye. “I couldn’t stay there. Can I please come in?”
Josie jumped in place and held her door open wider for me. “Of course, you can, dummy. Come in.”
A single watery chuckle fell from my lips as I dragged my suitcase and my sorry behind into her apartment. Josie eyed my luggage warily as I set it near the door. She eyed me up and down before turning and heading into her kitchen.
“I’d offer you a glass of wine, but I’m thinking water would be more appropriate.”
I sighed. “A glass of ice water would actually be really great right now.”
She nodded absently and fixed me a drink before pouring herself a glass of wine. When she saw me eyeing it, she held it shielded it from me defensively. “Just cause’ you’re knocked up and can’t partake doesn’t mean I need to hop on the wagon too.” She took a small sip, her eyes never leaving me. “Besides, I have a feeling I’m going to need this.”
She walked past me into her living room and set my glass of water on the coffee table before taking a seat on her overstuffed couch. With a pat to the cushion beside her, she tucked her feet beneath her and waited for me to comply with raised brows.
Her bossiness was refreshing. I didn’t feel capable of making any kind of real decisions for myself right now.
With a large sigh, I plopped onto the couch beside her and picked up my glass of water with shaking hands. Knowing nothing would escape her notice, I didn’t bother trying to hide them from her.
Once I’d drained half the glass, Josie spoke up.
“Okay, spill. Why are you here and not celebrating with that sexy husband of yours?”
I scoffed. “He may be sexy. I wouldn’t know. I’ve barely seen him in weeks.”
She tsked under her breath. “Things are still that bad?”
I nodded. “Worse than ever.”
Josie shook her head, red mane flying around her elfin face, and set her wineglass on the coffee table next to my water. She turned in her seat until she was facing me, her knee bumping into my hip.
“I’m gonna’ need you to start from the beginning.”
I turned to face her and told her how I’d come right home and taken a test to find it positive. Before I was able to go into details about my call to Bryson, she interrupted.
Her small, cool hands landed on mine and squeezed with a strength I didn’t know she was capable of. “Mack, you’re pregnant. I can’t believe it. Can we stop for a second and just talk about that?”
My stomach flipped as the corner of my lip crept up into a small smile. “I can’t believe it either. After all this time and everything I did to try to get to this point, one drunken night was all it took.”
Josie’s head fell back with a bark of laughter and I couldn’t help but smile at her. My friend was so carefree. I envied her almost as much as I loved her.
Her light blue eyes found mine and I couldn’t see anything but happiness in them for me. “I’m so so happy for you, Mack. You deserve this.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true based on how terrible I’d treated Bryson and everyone else around me this past year, but I nodded anyway.
“Okay, so go on. What happened after you found out the test was positive?”
“I called Bryson.”
She gasped loudly, and I jerked out of her hold and spun to face her.
“Don’t tell me he wasn’t happy about it! I’ll kill him.”
I shook my head. “No, he wasn’t unhappy–”
“Then what the hell?” she interrupted. “What happened?”
I took a deep breath and smiled ruefully. Trying to tell her a story was nearly impossible some days.
“I didn’t get a chance to tell him yet.”
“What?!” She sprang forward in her seat. “Then, I repeat: What the hell are you doing here?”
I sighed. “Will you just let me finish the story, please?”
The fiery redhead nodded once and sat back in her seat, but I wasn’t fooled into thinking she would remain quiet if I didn’t spit it out soon.
I took another deep breath and recounted the story for her. When I was done, I took a shaky breath and added, “I heard a woman in the background.”
“Couldn’t she have been a client?”
I shrugged. “That’s what he said, but how can I believe him? Jos, all the signs are there. He’s pulled away from me, he’s always working late and now he’s at work until nine at night with a female client? Who even wants to meet with their accountant that late at night? Doesn’t she have better things to do than to keep my husband there so late?” I didn’t realize how hard I was breathing until Josie placed her small hand on my shoulder.
“Calm down there, killer. There’s probably a reasonable explanation for all of it.”
I shook my head. “It’s not just the circumstances, Jos, it’s him. And how he talked to me. He was so dismissive. So abrupt. Cold. Unfeeling. It was like I was talking to a stranger.”
Josie rubbed at my shoulder. “Isn’t that how the both of you have been?” she asked gently.
I huffed and let my head fall against the back of the couch. “I mean, neither one of us have been warm and fuzzy with each other lately, but I would have never spoken to him the way he spoke to me.”
Josie coughed delicately, and I pinned her with a look out of the corner of my eye. “What?”
“I’ve overheard a few conversations you’ve had with Bryson at work. And I’ve gotta’ tell you babe, you were kind of a bitch.”
My jaw fell open at her words and she leaned over to close it with a tap to my chin. “Don’t look at me like that. You know you were a bitch when you were on those fertility drugs. You only started to act like a sane person again these past few months. Before that even I could barely stand to be around you. I can’t imagine how it must have been for Bryson.”
“Hey! Whose side are you on?”
She patted my shoulders. “Always yours, babe. I’m just trying to be honest with you.”
Honesty was not what I was looking for right now. I need commiseration and understanding. My look must have said it all because Josie laughed lightly and reached over to grab her wine again.
“Josie,” I whined.
She put her free hand in the air, palm out. “All right, all right. I agree, he didn’t have to be a dick to you on the phone and it is a little suspicious that he’s in the office so late at night.”
I jerked forward. “I fucking knew it. You think he’s cheating on me, don’t you?”
She pushed her free hand against my forehead until I was resting against the back of the couch again. “Slow down, Mack, I don’t know all that. What I do know, is you need to talk to him.”
“I don’t wanna’.”
“Mackenzie.”
“Josephine.”
She sighed dramatically. “How are you going to solve anything by running away from your problems?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed before meeting her eyes. “Jos, try putting yourself in my shoes. I just found out I’m pregnant–pregnant, Josie–and my husband can’t even be bothered to get home at a decent time. I haven’t asked him for anything in so long and the first time I do, he lets me down. And even worse, instead of being home with me, he’s with another woman.” I wrapped my arms around myself and rubbed my chilly skin. “And you didn’t hear the way he talked to me. It was terrible, Jos. It made me feel like I meant nothing to him.” I sniffled once before pulling myself together again. “I just couldn’t stay in that house. I couldn’t let him taint this moment for me any more than he already had.”
Josie’s blue eyes were wide and sympathetic as she wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders and rested her head against mine.
>
“Can I stay here tonight?” I asked quietly.
Josie sighed. “Of course, you can. Do I think you should? No. But you can stay here as long as you want.”
My hand reached for my flat tummy, and I wondered again what we’d do if things didn’t go well with Bryson.
“It might be a long time,” I warned her.
Chapter 20
My phone started buzzing from within my pocket. Bryson’s name was lit up the screen and I scowled as I let the call roll over to voicemail. Within seconds, my phone was ringing again.
“You need to answer that.”
“I’m not answering it.”
“He’s probably worried about you.”
“He should have thought about that sooner.”
“Mackenzie.”
“Josephine.”
She sighed loudly and ripped the phone out of my hands as it began to ring for a third time. I tried to snatch it back, but she was surprisingly fast and bolted to her feet and across the room before I could stop her. She met my eyes squarely as she swiped her finger across the screen and brought the phone to her ear.
“Hello… no, it’s me, Josie… yes, she’s here.” I waved my hands frantically and glared at her so hard, I was surprised it didn’t leave a mark. “She’s uh, in the bathroom... do you want me to take a message?” I stalked toward her and she skirted around the dining room table. “I think she’s staying here with me tonight… um, that’s something you should probably talk to her about… uh huh… okay, I’ll ask her… bye, Bryson.”
She ended the call and tossed my phone back to me before I could reach her. “You’re welcome.”
“I didn’t want to talk to him,” I hissed.
“And now you don’t have to, and he won’t be up worrying you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Everyone’s happy.”
I growled a few choice words under my breath that she ignored. “What did he want you to ask me?”
Josie’s eyes darted to a space above my head as she twisted her lips to the side. “What?”
I took a step closer. “You heard me. What was his question?”
“Oh, he just asked why you were here and not home and I said he needs to talk to you about it. No big deal.” She stepped around the dining room table and made a beeline for her glass of wine.
I watched her closely, knowing Josephine Carter was never flighty unless she had something to hide. “Yes, but you said ‘okay, I’ll ask her’. What was it he wanted you to ask me?”
Josie kept her back to me and sighed deeply. “It’s really not that big of a deal, Mack.”
“Josephine.”
“Mackenzie.”
“Just tell me.”
She sighed again and spun to face me. “He wanted to know if you made him a plate before you packed away the leftovers.”
My jaw fell open as I repeated her words in my head. “Is that all?”
Josie nodded with a wince.
My head fell back, and I stared at the ceiling for a minute, hoping it could help me find the words that were eluding me.
“Un-fucking-believable,” was what I finally settled on. Now that the dam had broken, there was no stopping the words as I paced the floor in front of her. “Un-fucking-believable! He comes home to an empty house at ten o’clock at night, and his only concern is whether I made him a fucking plate?!
“In all fairness, he first asked where you were,” Josie added, but I ignored her.
“Who the hell does that?” I stopped and glared at my friend. “What kind of husband is more concerned with his dinner than his wife?”
The anger bubbled inside of me, sloshing and frothing around my organs and I fed it a steady diet of fuel, knowing it was better than the alternative. Because if I let this anger die out, what would be left was the deep-seated hurt that Bryson’s careless actions had caused. If I stopped to feel the hurt, I’d drown in it.
“I don’t know, Mack. But I think you need to talk to him.”
“Fuck that.”
“I’m serious. Nothing is going to get better if you hide from him.”
“I’m not hiding. He knows exactly where I am. If he wants to talk, he can come find me.”
“He doesn’t know where I live.”
“Then he can call me.”
“You didn’t answer when he called.”
I growled and glared at my friend again. I knew she wasn’t the cause of my anger and I had no right taking it out on her, but she was the closest and easiest target and she kept insisting on poking the bear. “I’ll talk to him when I’m ready.”
Josie sighed deeply and shook her head. “Okay, Mack. You do what you think is best. But if you want my advice–”
“I don’t.”
“–I think you owe it to the both of you to try to fix whatever is broken. You’re carrying his child, Mack. You need to think about that baby and not just yourself now. What’s best for him or her?”
In the wake of everything that had happened tonight, I’d almost forgotten that not only was I pregnant, but that I wasn’t currently speaking to the father. I knew Josie was right, but I was in no mood to let her know that or do anything about the divide between Bryson and I tonight.
Suddenly, the weight of the day felt like a million pounds bearing down on my shoulders. I slumped in defeat and dropped my head. “Josie, can we talk about this tomorrow? All I want to do right now is go to sleep.”
I watched her slippered feet approach me before I felt one of her small hands on my shoulder. “Of course, babe. Let’s get you set up in the guest room. We don’t need to figure anything out tonight.”
Gratefulness seeped into my bones as Josie grabbed my luggage and led me to her spare room. It was already made up with clean sheets because she frequently hosted out-of-town family.
I quickly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and pulled on the first set of pajama-like clothes I found. With a quick poke around my suitcase, I realized I hadn’t done that great of a job in my hasty packing. Thankfully, I had enough to piece together an outfit for tomorrow and that was all I was going to worry about at the moment.
I slipped between the cool sheets and decided to take stock of my life in the dark guest room.
I’m pregnant.
The words still sounded so surreal in my head. I knew this wasn’t my first pregnancy, but this was the first one I was able to feel joyful about. The first one I’d anticipated and hoped for. And as happy as I was, there was a gaping Bryson-sized hole in my happiness.
I should be celebrating with my husband, not sleeping in my best friend’s spare bedroom.
The worst part was, Bryson didn’t even know he was a dad yet. Had no clue that his life was about to change forever. I’d loved to have told him, but his cold and callous attitude made me not want to sully this news with his indifference.
When I imagined finally telling my husband I was pregnant, I imagined the old Bryson. The one who held me at night and was there for me through everything. I couldn’t even imagine telling the person he was now.
What if he didn’t react the way I thought he should? What if he didn’t care? What if he received the news with the same nonchalant attitude he approached everything else in our lives? What if he was so engrossed in his work or his computer or his phone that he didn’t even look up at me when I finally told him?
Realistically, I knew it wasn’t likely any of that would happen, but the fear was so strong, I knew I needed to keep this knowledge close to my chest. I couldn’t share it for fear it would be defiled in some way.
I reached down, and cupped my lower stomach, feeling closer to the little life growing inside me. I hadn’t met him or her yet, but I would already lay down my life and set aside my happiness for theirs. With everything inside me, I knew I needed to protect this little one from any negativity, even if that meant hiding their existence from their own father.
My stomach heaved as what little I’d been able to choke down today vacated my stomach. It’d been three days
since I found out I was pregnant, and it was almost as if my body had waited until I knew before unleashing the hell that was first trimester morning sickness.
Although, I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t just get to experience this nausea in the morning. Oh no, my body didn’t care what time of day it was. Any time I was able to choke down even the smallest bit of food, it would invariably come back up. Thankfully, I’d found that my temperamental stomach could just barely tolerate chicken noodle soup and crackers and that’s all I’d dared to eat the past couple of days.
To make matters worse, I still hadn’t talked to Bryson.
He’d called a few times, but I’d let them all go to voicemail. He hadn’t bothered to text, and neither had I. Honestly, I was at a loss at this point. The divide between us was as wide as the San Andreas fault and growing by feet every day. At this point, I didn’t know if we’d ever close the distance. And even more concerning, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
Josie had been relentless in her badgering. She insisted I needed to go home and talk to Bryson. That it was up to me to fix things between us. That keeping the news of my pregnancy from him was cruel.
What she failed to understand was that he’d been treating me worse for months. I’d sat by while he did nothing but work, never sparing me a glance, hardly acknowledging my presence. Now that I was out of that house and away from the iciness that permeated the air whenever we were in the same room together, the last thing I wanted to do was go home.
If I didn’t go home, I didn’t need to face what was happening between Bryson and I. If I didn’t go home, I didn’t have to admit that there wasn’t much for me to go home to. The fact that he’d made so little effort to reach out to me in my absence said plenty.
I stood up from the toilet I’d been hugging and dug in my purse for my toothbrush and paste. I’d taken to carrying them around with me wherever I went, never sure when I’d need them.
I quickly brushed my teeth as I resolutely ignored the reflection staring back at me. I knew what I’d see if I looked, and I didn’t need the reminder. That woman’s eyes were glassy, her hair was stringy, and her cheeks were sunken in. She looked like hell and I already felt it, I didn’t need to see it too.
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