“I understand,” Brooke said tacitly.
“How can you understand when you won’t even listen to me?” Tess challenged Brooke.
Brooke shook her head. “What is there to say? I’ll tell Gina to forget the whole thing.”
Tess sighed heavily. She was teetering between feeling guilty and feeling angry. Brooke could frustrate her unlike anyone she had ever known, save the twins. “Would you please just let me explain?”
“I told you. I understand.”
“No. I don’t think you do,” Tess said sternly. She pulled away from Brooke and put several paces between them. Tess tended to be even tempered. Right now, she felt completely exposed and she did not feel secure in her vulnerability. “Of course, I want to live with you,” Tess said. It was the truth, but her frustration caused the words to fall off her lips gruffly.
Brooke spun on her heels and looked at Tess skeptically.
“I do!” Tess defended herself. “God, Brooke! We’ve been living together for all practical purposes for almost six months. How can you even think that?”
“Practical? Is that what this is?” Brooke asked.
“Jesus!” Tess yelled. “Why can’t you just get out of your head for five minutes and try and understand how I feel?”
“I’m listening,” Brooke said stoically. She could feel the blood churning in her veins. Her cheeks were already flushed and her heart was racing. Just say it, Tess. You don’t trust me. Just say it.
“It took me years to be able to even think about buying this house, Brooke. I did it because I wanted the kids to be able to be proud of me. To feel proud of what we had. Who they are. ”
“And?” Brooke urged.
“And? Brooke, you think people see single moms on an equal playing field? They don’t—single, lesbian moms? Single, lesbian moms whose lovers take off on a whim…Yeah, that doesn’t usually get you selected as den mother or PTA president,” Tess shot.
“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it?” Brooke asked heatedly.
“What do you mean? Tess argued back.
“This isn’t about being on the PTA. It’s not about pride either. You think I will take off. Why don’t you just say it, Tess? Just be honest with me for once. You think that if you leave this house and move in with me—you think that heralds the end. Then you will be left in the dust. I’ll do what they did to you. Just like Daniel and Jackie. Right? Tell me I’m wrong,” Brooke challenged.
Tess tried to find words, but she was shell-shocked by the ferocity in Brooke’s voice. She shook her head and stared at Brooke.
Brooke nodded. She started back toward the bed. “I need to get some sleep. I’m on call the next two days,” she said as she climbed under the covers.
Tess remained still. She had never seen Brooke so—what was Brooke? Was she hurt? Was she angry? Was she right? Tess closed her eyes and put her face in her hands. That went well. At least she’s still here. Tess took a deep breath and headed for the bed. She climbed in, shut off the light and closed her eyes. Brooke was a fair distance away. In spite of the thick blanket covering them, Tess was certain she had never felt such an unsettling chill.
“I love you, Brooke,” Tess whispered. She waited for a reply, but it never came. Oh, Brooke. Why can’t you understand?
Chapter Five
“Brooke?” Rachel called into Brooke’s office.
“What?” Brooke snapped.
“What is wrong with you? You’re grinchier than The Grinch,” Rachel observed candidly.
Brooke looked up from her desk unapologetically. “I haven’t gotten much sleep the last two days,” she replied evenly.
“I see. You all right to stay on call tonight?” Rachel asked.
“I’m fine, Rachel.”
“You are not acting fine, Ebenezer,” Rachel deadpanned.
“I am,” Brooke promised.
“Hey, look, I know pulling the short straw right before Christmas sucks,” Rachel said. “There’s always so much to do as it is.”
Brooke nodded. “Did you need something?” she asked.
“What the hell?” Rachel finally yelled. “Brooke, what the hell is your problem the last two days?”
“I told you, I’m tired,” Brooke replied without looking at her best friend.
Rachel shut the office door, walked over to Brooke and grabbed her hand. “All right, that’s enough. What is going on with you? And, don’t you dare tell me you are tired again. I know tired. This is not tired. You’ve been avoiding me all day today. And, why is Tess calling the office for you? Avoiding her too?”
“I’m not avoiding anyone,” Brooke grumbled. “I left Tess a message earlier.”
“Uh-huh,” Rachel lifted an eyebrow.
“Rachel, just leave it alone.”
“No,” Rachel replied flatly. Brooke looked up in surprise and squared her shoulders for battle. “I will not leave it alone, Brooke. Aside from the fact that you are still my best friend, your mood could easily affect your judgment here. You know that. So, out with it. Now.”
Brooke’s shoulders slumped and she huffed. “There is nothing to say.”
“Then let me guess. Tess told you she’s afraid to move.”
Brooke shook her head. “She doesn’t trust me.”
“What?” Rachel asked. Come on, Brooke. She didn’t say that. “She told you that?”
“Not in so many words,” Brooke answered.
Not is so many words? Brooke! “I see. What did she tell you?” Rachel pushed gently.
Brooke’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What did she tell you?” Brooke asked her best friend. “I can’t believe this! She went to you, didn’t she?”
Rachel shook her head. “Quit acting like a wounded teenager,” she told Brooke.
Rachel, better than anyone, understood that for Brooke, this was all new. And, Brooke was far more sensitive than most people would have imagined. She had built buying a house into the ultimate declaration she could give Tess. A house was not what Tess needed. Tess needed Brooke. And, on some level Rachel understood that. She had meant what she said to Tess. Tess needed to trust in her relationship with Brooke as the most secure place in her life. As a mother, Rachel related to Tess’s anxiety. She had little doubt that if Tess were making a decision solely for herself, she would likely have jumped at Brooke’s proposal. At the same time, Rachel understood Brooke’s frustration and the pain in her best friend’s voice. Brooke wanted to give Tess the world.
Rachel softened her voice. “She loves you, Brooke.”
“I know,” Brooke admitted. “I’m not them.”
“No,” Rachel agreed. “And, I suspect you are right. She is scared. But, Brooke, look at Tess’s life. She wants to be able to be your equal too. And, maybe that’s what scares her the most—that she can never give you what you are trying to give her.”
“Did she say that?” Brooke asked.
“No, she didn’t,” Rachel said. “I’ve gotten to know her pretty well. You’re right, she is scared. It’s a big leap to leave the one place you’ve built as a safety net. But, Brooke….Think about it. Until now, she’s been able to give you a home. I think Tess is proud of that.”
Brooke threw her head back and sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do. You just need to get out of your head for a minute,” Rachel said honestly. “You might ask yourself why this house is so important to you,” Rachel suggested.
“You know why! I want it for Tess and the kids.”
Rachel nodded. “Yeah, maybe there is a little more to it than that,” she said cautiously. Brooke shook her head. “You just think about that, Brooke,” Rachel said. “You’re so hell bent on why it matters to Tess where you live. Why does that matter so much to you? What are you trying to say with all this house stuff?” Rachel asked.
“What does that mean?” Brooke countered.
Rachel shrugged and moved to the door. “I guess maybe you should ask yourself that,” she said. “Don’t ruin y
our holiday over this, Brooke. That’s my advice. Take it or leave it. It’s just a house,” she said before leaving the office.
“Not really,” Brooke whispered to herself.
***
Rebecca Campbell sat at the kitchen table, keeping a close eye on Tess as she moved about the kitchen. Tess was uncharacteristically quiet and evidently distracted. Rebecca wasn’t sure what was driving the younger woman’s anxiety. Rebecca had arrived earlier than she had expected to. Tess was in the midst of baking for the holiday festivities. As far as Rebecca knew, she and Tess’s brother Gary were the only company expected for Christmas Day. And, as far as she knew, Tess was still clueless about her brother’s impending arrival. Brooke had been adamant that it be a surprise. The array of baked goods cooling on the counter either indicated that this was one hungry bunch that possessed a massive, collective sweet tooth, or Tess was trying to stay busy.
“Can I get you anything else?” Tess asked Rebecca.
Rebecca regarded Tess silently for a few seconds. “Yes. You can get me you. Sit down, Tess.”
Tess smiled at Brooke’s mother. “I just have…..”
“You could feed the entire North Pole. Sit down,” Rebecca ordered. “Either you are looking to bribe elves, pregnant, or you are nervous about something. Care to share?” Rebecca smirked knowingly.
Tess laughed in spite of herself. “Elves? Let’s go with that one,” Tess suggested.
“Um-hum,” Rebecca murmured as she took a sip from her teacup. “I see. Bribery it is then. Given my daughter’s affinity for anything sweet, I will take a leap of faith and guess this,” she pointed to the cookie lined counter, “is about Brooke.”
“She didn’t tell you,” Tess mumbled.
“Tell me? No, I don’t think so. At least, nothing about this elf invasion you are apparently preparing for.”
Tess chuckled and then sighed. “I think I might have ruined everything,” Tess said softly.
Rebecca’s eyes narrowed in concern. “I’ll assume this is not about the cookies.”
Tess shook her head. “She thinks I don’t trust her—to stick with me, that is.”
Rebecca lifted her cup to her lips and sipped its contents thoughtfully. She spent a great deal of time with her daughter and Tess. In fact, if she stopped to think about it, Rebecca had spent more time with Tess and the twins over the last six months than she had with Brooke. Brooke had called her earlier in the week to tell her about the “incredible” house she had found with Tess. Rebecca had listened silently and told her daughter she was happy for them both. Privately, she wondered what Tess had to say about the entire prospect.
“Is this about you two buying that house?” Rebecca inquired.
“No. It’s about Brooke buying a house,” Tess explained. She put her face in her hands and sighed dramatically. “And, that is what she doesn’t understand.”
Rebecca smiled. “Probably not,” she agreed. “Want to talk about it?”
Tess pulled her hands from her face. A tear streamed down her cheek and she brushed it away. Rebecca had become more than a friend to Tess. She treated Tess like a daughter. She treated Tess’s children as if they were her own flesh and blood. Looking at Brooke’s mother now, Tess felt a wave of regret and fear flood her entire being. “I don’t know where to start,” Tess admitted. “It’s stupid. I'm an idiot.”
Rebecca laughed “Hardly,” she said. She smiled at Tess. In many ways, Tess was a kindred spirit. “You don’t need to explain it to me, Tess.”
Tess looked at Rebecca in surprise. “I…”
“Oh, I understand,” Rebecca chuckled. “When I left Brooke’s father, I was terrified.”
“Really?”
“Completely. I had the means to support us financially, and I was fortunate that we have always remained friends. He adores Brooke. He would never have let her want for anything—sometimes to a fault,” Rebecca said. She chuckled. “She is a lot like him in that way.”
Tess smiled. “Is it terrible?”
“What’s that?” Rebecca asked.
Silent tears slipped over Tess’s cheeks. “This is what I can offer,” she said. “And, maybe it is true. I felt so alone in the world for so long,” Tess confessed. “Like….Like there was no safe place to be, everyone left. Everyone expect Davey and Dani. That was all that mattered. People leave. I needed a place to stay,” she said softly. “This….This is it.”
Rebecca nodded. “It’s not terrible, Tess. It’s just human.”
“She thinks I am afraid she will leave us,” Tess said.
“You are,” Rebecca replied honestly. Tess looked up fearfully and regretfully. Rebecca reached across and took her hand. “And, why wouldn’t you be?” Rebecca chuckled. “Tess, everyone has those fears. Everyone. You think Brooke isn’t afraid of the same thing?”
“Why….Why would….”
Rebecca sighed. “Mm. She is. I suspect the same reasons you are reluctant to let go of this place is the same reason Brooke is so hell bent on taking you somewhere new. She just doesn’t realize that.”
“I don’t understand,” Tess said.
“She has some foolish notion that I gave up everything for her,” Rebecca shook her head. “I left practicing medicine to teach, moved into a smaller home, all for her. She’s right, of course,” Rebecca admitted. “But, it wasn’t a sacrifice. It was a Godsend and it was my choice. I missed the operating room. I’ll admit it. But, I was missing her more. I love my life as it is.”
“I’m still not following.”
“Mmm. She sees me in you sometimes, I think. She loves her father, don’t get me wrong. She blames him in some ways, blames him for not giving enough. Even though I am the one who left, I don’t think that is how she sees it.”
“I know,” Tess replied. “That, I do know.”
Rebecca sighed. “She wants to give you everything. And, she’s afraid that it will never be enough to make up for the time she spends away,” Rebecca said. “She sees her father when she looks in the mirror. That scares her. Medicine is part of her.”
Tess smiled broadly. “I know,” she said. “She does give me everything, just by being here.”
“So? If that’s true, why does it matter where ‘here’ is?” Rebecca asked.
Tess laughed. “I don’t know.”
“Look, Tess, I know it’s not my place and I don’t want to interfere…”
“It is your place.”
“There are no guarantees in life. God knows I saw that over and over again when I was a surgeon. It took a toll on me, to be honest. It also made me realize I couldn’t waste any more time being afraid to love my life,” Rebecca said. “It’s too unpredictable.”
Tess nodded. “I know,” she murmured.
Rebecca smiled and took Tess’s hand. “I know you do,” she said. “Brooke has never known that kind of loss, Tess. I’m not saying she hasn’t been hurt. I’m just being honest with you. She’s lost two grandparents. She’s never known that unexpected loss, not the way you have. Not the way I have. And, in some ways that makes it even scarier for her.”
Tess felt the weight of the statement fall on her like a ton of bricks. Jesus, Tess. Wake up. Just as Tess was about to address Brooke’s mother, a pair of hyperactive eight-year-olds burst into the room.
“Grammy!” they both screamed.
Rebecca’s smile lit up the room. “Are you really happy to see me or just happy to see those extra presents under the tree?” she asked as she turned her chair and opened her arms to them both. Davey and Dani both giggled. “That’s what I thought,” Rebecca said. “You two are home early.”
“Half day,” Dani explained.
“Yep. Mrs. Olsen gave us a ride home,” Davey told her. “She’s Jordan’s mom.”
“Oh, that explains it then,” Rebecca said seriously.
“Mom! Wow! How many cookies did you make for Santa?” Dani asked.
“Come on, Dani. Santa isn’t real,” Davey chastised his sister with a roll o
f his eyes.
“Is too. I even asked Brooke!”
“Brooke said Santa is real?” Davey asked skeptically.
“Yep,” Dani answered. “That’s why we can’t have a fire tomorrow night. Otherwise, he’ll get all dirty when he comes down the chimney,” Dani explained. “And, Mom has enough to do without having to clean up after Santa.”
Tess snickered and rolled her eyes playfully at Rebecca. She had confessed to Brooke that she suspected this would be the last Christmas Santa would officially visit the house. Tess had overheard Davey telling Dani that Santa was made up and only little kids believed in “that magic stuff.” This was the first Tess had heard about Brooke’s conversation with Dani. It didn’t surprise her. It did make her realize yet again why she loved Brooke so much. Tess chuckled quietly as she listened to her children’s discussion. Brooke, Tess had no doubt, on some level still wanted to believe that Santa was real. And, with Brooke, she was not afraid to let that childlike wonder show through. Oh, Tess. You know what you should do. Just do it. Make Santa real for her.
“Mom?” Davey pulled Tess from her thoughts.
“Huh?” Tess snapped to attention.
“I asked if we can show Grammy what we got Brooke,” he said.
“Of course,” Tess smiled. “If Grammy wants to venture out there into the garage in this cold.”
“If it means we get to sample those cookies when we get back then lead on!” Rebecca rose from her seat.
“Mom?” Dani looked to her mother hopefully.
Tess nodded at Dani and then looked back at Rebecca. “Bundle up,” she instructed.
“Yeah,” Davey whispered to Rebecca. “Mom caught Brooke outside in her socks the other night.”
“I don’t believe it,” Rebecca said.
“It’s true,” Dani offered. “Brooke was grumpy the other day when she was leaving for work. She told us she got in trouble for going outside without her coat and shoes.”
Tess sighed. Rebecca looked over at Tess and winked. She looked down at the twins and nodded her understanding. “I see. So, I’d better get my jacket, huh?”
“Yep,” Davey said. “Mom’s a stickler.” Rebecca chuckled and let the twins lead her away.
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