“I didn’t ask for this,” I seethe. “I didn’t ask for your forgiveness, or a second chance.”
“Can I get you anything?” I turn to find the waitress timidly standing beside our tense table.
“We’ll need this to-go, please.” Adrian tells her. He turns to me, jaw clenched and I look away.
“You can’t throw this at me and except an answer right now.” I tell him in a soft voice. It does the trick. He nods, offering a small smile.
“I’ll give you a few days.” He tosses money on the table and grabs our to-go plates.
The drive back is awkward. Neither of us offers to start a conversation. He gets out of my car and walks to his car without looking back at me. I walk inside and go straight to my room.
I know I can’t give him what he asked for. William and I may have an uncomfortable friendship, but I can’t remove him from my life. I debate calling Adrian now to tell him I can’t do it, but I decide against it. He said he could give me a few days and I told him I would try. The very least I could do for Adrian is keep my word for once.
Chapter Four
Audrey and I exit our advisor’s office after registering for our final semester. The cool January wind whips my hair into frenzy. My eyes loom over the campus, the trees have lost their leaves, and the grass is brown. But the spirit of the campus is reanimating, students are filling in from the break. Few are scattered on the lawn and others are joining in on a Frisbee game. As we slide into my car my phone buzzes, I pick it up to see William is calling and I toss it in the seat.
I’ve ignored both guys for days. Adrian told me last week that he would give me time—and he has, what he doesn’t realize is that I need the rest of my life. It just can’t work. I haven’t thought of an easy way to tell him yet. Although I’ve successfully ignored William, I feel my walls tumbling down with each time he reaches out to me.
“Who’s that?” She asks.
“William.”
“Answer! Maybe he has something to tell you,” she adds with a large smile.
“Doubt it,” I tell her. She scowls at my clipped responses. Her attitude is short lived; she continues telling me about Kellen and his upcoming baseball season. I nod and pretend to listen, but my mind is on someone else.
“I’m not ready for classes to start,” I say, frowning.
“You have ten more days.”
“Not long enough,” I sigh.
“But one more semester and we’re done!” She beams.
“Okay, your optimistic attitude is starting to piss me off.” I toss a grin at her as she scowls.
My phone rings again and this time I do answer.
“Hey,” I say with no hint of enthusiasm.
“Why haven’t you answered your phone?” William scolds me.
“I just answered,” I remind him.
“Rachel and I are over. I wanted to know if you’re free this week.”
“I am, why?” I glance over to Audrey, she’s pretending to text but I know she’s listening.
“I want you to come to New York for two days. I’ve made arrangements for your flight tomorrow morning.”
“And what if I have plans?” I roll my eyes at his arrogance.
“I would’ve persuaded you to cancel,” I can hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll text you the information.” I end the call to find Audrey waiting for an explanation.
“I’m going to New York for a couple of days,” I tell her. When I pull the car into our drive-way her face shifts into a sheepish grin. “Drop it,” I warn her.
⇟
Friday came undoubtedly fast. Although I tried, I couldn't think of a reason against seeing William. My single suitcase comes twirling at me; I grab it, walking toward the exit. My face breaks into a wide grin at the sight in front of me. All doubt bleeds from my pores, leaving me giddy. There he stands, my exception; the only guy that holds the power to make me fall in love, turning me into a narcissistic asshole, not caring who I hurt in the process.
Our relationship started out unlikely most, friends from the beginning, an unplanned night, and hell if I know how it will end. Though I doubt we'll ever have a mini-van with two point five kids, I hope it's beautiful. Spotting me he stands, wrapping his arms around me.
“I've missed you," he whispers.
Grinning, I embrace him, taking note of how natural it feels to be with him this way. Embarrassed by my sappy thoughts, I step back and toss my bag at him.
“Here, ugly." I walk ahead of him. He falls into step, chuckling.
“What’s the plan?” I ask, seeing his casual clothes.
“Let’s start with lunch,” he says, motioning me toward the car. David offers a polite smile as I slide in. The car blurs past the airport as the snow begins. Tiny, white flake hit the windshield, making the city slowly pass in a blur.
The car stops, I glide across the seat. He slips his hand on my back, guiding me into the restaurant. My fingers rake through my hair, discovering it’s damp from the snow.
“Olivia,” he says, his voice laced with hushed urgency.
My head snaps up. His eyes are focused behind me, his jaw is clenching. I brace my hands in my chair, turning; I catch his line of sight. The beautiful blonde in the red dress is stunning. Her radiance shines as she tips her head back in laughter, clutching a man’s arm. The blood in my veins boils, and before I can stop myself I’m walking toward the happy couple.
“Hi dad,” I say, spitting the last word out in disgust.
“Honey, what are you doing here?” He chuckles nervously. The blonde, whom I presume is my age, finally fits the pieces together.
“You must be Olivia,” she says, grinning; she offers me her hand. “I’m…”
“I really don’t care who you are. I try not to get attached to my father’s mistresses,” I say, holding my hands up.
“Don’t be rude,” My dad warns.
“Mr. Foxe, good to see you.” William walks to my side, clasping my dad’s hand.
Seconds pass as my dad looks between us suspiciously. I cross my arms, letting my anger be known. “Are you here with him, Liv? I didn’t know you were in…” He manages to say.
“Obviously we’re past small talk,” I seethe. “What are you doing here? The hotel room wasn’t enough for you anymore? You have to bring them in public now?”
“Okay, that’s enough. We can step away and finish this conversation.” He stands from his stool, reaching for my hand.
“I’m done with this conversation.” I shake my head. I’m disgusted; I’m surprised mostly I’m embarrassed. He’s taken his small affairs he has from time to time and made them public. I glare at the girl beside him. For a moment I’m plagued with the idea of dragging her from the bar, but I stop. The girl I’m looking at is me. I look between William and my dad. No! No! No! No!
Turning, I walk from my crowded group. My dad catches my arm. “Don’t tell your mom. She has enough to deal with right now.” The sincerity in his eyes makes me sick. He’s a liar, and I’ve fallen for it all of my life.
“I wanna go back to your place,” I tell William.
He stops me once we reach the sidewalk. His arms wrap my middle, pulling me close. His lips aim for my face, but I turn. He sighs, freeing me to walk. He doesn’t crowd me, which is refreshing and terrifying all in the same. He sees me slipping from his grasps but he doesn’t fight for me. Does he have whiplash from our crazy relationship? I can’t help but wonder if his view is now tainted as mine. I know each time I look at him I’ll see the faces of the ones we hurt to be where we are right now.
How does my dad do this? How does he continually hurt our family?
When we arrive at William’s apartment the tension is evident. I toss my purse on the couch as I type in the number on my phone.
“Can I get you anything?” He asks.
I shake my head. “I just need to call my mom.”
“Are you…” I shake my head again. His features wash with relief.
“Oli
via?" She answers on the second ring. The concern is evident in her voice. I never call.
“Hi mom,” I exhale, deciding the fate of our conversation.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" She asks after moments of silence linger.
“I’m seeing William. I don't think it’ll work out," I tell her. I decide to leave out the most important part. Somehow I doubt reminding her that her husband is a cheating bastard over the phone would be the right thing to do.
"Does Audrey know?" She asks.
"Yes, and she's fine with it." I roll me eyes.
"Well, what happened?" She urges.
"Friends shouldn’t date. It’s awkward"
“Olivia,” she warns, “What really happened?”
“Okay. Well, I was dating Adrian at the time, and he had a girlfriend, we kind-of had a thing…”
She sighs. I know where this is going. “Olivia, you of all people should know better. After all your father has done…” I hold my hands up, not wanting her to continue. As if she can see me, her sentence trails off and doesn’t return. If she only knew that’s why I never tied myself into a relationship. It’s not that I have trust issues; I simply know what I’m capable of. Adrian experienced this first hand. My sister, Hilary is caring, loyal, along with all of my mother’s good qualities. While I am my father made over.
“I’m so sorry, mom.”
“I know, sweetie. But sometimes that isn’t enough.”The line cuts off.
What is enough? I’ve often thought of how my parents were in the beginning. Did he always cheat, did she always settle? At one point did they decide their fate; surely my mother didn’t always accept this. After years of the same thing she must have learned to over look it.
William walks into the room, holding a glass in one hand and texting with the other. As his eyes light with a smile, I know I couldn’t share him. I want each smile, laugh, and kiss. I want each moment to belong to me. I’m not my mother.
“Why did you invite me?” I finally ask.
“It’s done,” he says, tossing his phone down.
“Hmm,” I smile. “If I’m being honest it’s kind of boring now. The sneaking around kept me interested.”
“If you want role play…” I clamp my hand over his mouth, laughing.
He pulls me on his chest, I snuggle against him. The fire dances before us, heating the room. The dim lighting sets the mood, but still he doesn’t make a move. We have this weekend; we will always have this weekend. Sadly, it might be all that we have.
“If you need to talk,” he says but I interrupt him, needing to enjoy this moment.
“I know.”
Chapter Five
“You’re with me in New York for one more day, what do you wanna do?” William asks.
Contemplating my options, I look to the ceiling. Something in public that requires no physical contact. For once, I crave a clear mind.
“Shopping!” I smile, cheerfully. He powers off the TV, dropping the remote and returning his sight to me.
“Not the answer I was looking for,” he chuckles.
I shrug my shoulders, smiling. “Let’s stay in. It’s too cold to go out,” he says.
“Fine, but we’re ordering Chinese food,” I say.
“Consider it done. So, when are you moving back to New York?” I look at him with wide eyes. The question flows naturally from his lips, not realizing the panic it causes me.
“I d-didn’t know I was. Why would I?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” His eyes dart to mine as he brings the rim of his glass to his mouth. “I’m betting Audrey will be married to that guy soon, what will you do then?”
“I haven’t put a lot of thought into it.” I grab the remote, turning it to something that looks entertaining. Hoping he’ll drop the conversation.
He laughs. Although I know this will lead to an extension of the conversation, curiosity gets the best of me. “What?”
“It’s just unbelievable—you’re unbelievable,” he chuckles. “With Rachel I started to feel suffocated, she told me she loved me too soon, she asked me to move in with her. I was convinced girls rushed things. And then you came along. Suddenly, I’m the crazy one, I want you to be around all the time and I…” He stops, thankfully. I bit my lip in terror of what may come from him mouth next.
“So, Rachel got the sane version of you and I’m stuck with this?” I tease, playing it off as a joke. His eyebrow arches, suggesting he didn’t care for it.
He stands and walks to the fireplace. He picks up the bronze stoker and adjusts the dimming fire. He revives the fire but doesn’t move to rejoin me on the couch. I grab the blanket strewn beside me and pull it on.
“Why would I move back here?” I ask when I shiver.
He laughs as he takes a seat on the far side of the couch. I knew the mood would shift after I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to move here.
We sit awkwardly, as tension fills the room. At lunch we order take-out and only speak to decide on food. The reason I’m still here is still lost on me, I debate catching an early flight.
As the food arrives, we file into the kitchen and take a seat on the stools. I thank him as he distributes the food.
“This is more painful than Christmas dinner,” I say. He smiles, pushing his food around with his fork. “So, what was up with that?”
“They’re always like that, especially my mom.”
“I knew you had mommy issues,” I tease. “Do you get along with your brother?”
“Michael’s okay. He’s the golden child. He went to law school and started working for my dad and they expected me to do the same. And I did… It just didn’t last long. Things changed when I started working at Henson.”
“How’s everything going with Henson? Are you buying it?”
He nods his head. “I have fifty one percent of the stock thanks to Audrey. I’m playing the rest by ear.”
“Impressive. I didn’t know.”
His mouth tugs into a sheepish grin. “Yeah, no one did.”
“Okay, spill. I’m intrigued.” I grin, leaning on the table.
“There’s nothing to tell. Audrey doesn’t want it and she gave me her share.” He raises an eyebrow, turning back to his food.
“Well, that’s boring. I was imagining dark allies or explosions.” He chuckles quietly. I look down, pushing my food around to each side.
“Do you still talk to Rachel?” I ask. I chew on my lip, refusing to meet his eyes.
“No, she’s called a few times but I don’t answer.”
“This is so personal, I know, but I have to ask. What happened?”
With this question I do look up. Finding his gaze, he exhales. He thinks I’m crazy, he must, but I have to know what happened. If he tells me she found out and broke up with him, I can graciously move on and accept that what we had wasn’t real. But if he fought for me, well, that changes things.
“She found out, and uhh,” he says, searching for the right words. The breath has left my body, I feel as if someone punched me in the gut.
“Oh.”
“I’m not finished,” he warns. “I think she found out the weekend we stayed with you. After we got back she was determined to move in with me, she didn’t want me to speak to you or Audrey again. That went on for a few days.”
“And she ended it because you wouldn’t do that?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t know what to do at first. I found her on the bathroom floor crying, and I left the room before she saw me. I mean I felt bad, but I didn’t care. I knew I had to end it.” He runs his hand over his face. I can see the regret in his eyes and I feel bad for asking.
“You don’t have to finish,” I tell him. I rub my hand down his back and smile.
“This is the shitty part. All I could see was you. I had to put her in your position to even care. If you were lying on my floor crying because a guy did this to you,” he says, balling his fist. “She should have someone care about her the way I car
e about you. I knew I couldn’t string her along anymore. So, I took her back to her apartment and ended it.”
“Did she take it okay? Is she still upset?”
“I think she is… She was an intern at my company. So, I hope she’s not too upset.”
“God, I didn’t think about that!” I cover my face in my palms, questioning if this will haunt us forever.
“It’s fine. If I hear of anything I’ll talk to Vivian.”
“Yeah, well… What happens when Vivian finds out what you and Audrey did behind her back? She won’t help you if your intern comes at you.”
“Yeah, she will. Just don’t worry about it.” I nod my head. He leans back in his chair crossing his arms over his chest. “What the fuck was I thinking when I dated her? She pushed me into dating her, she moved too fast and I felt bad. That’s the only reason I stayed with her.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. We all have relationships like that. She’ll move on, it’s only been a couple of weeks.”
“You’re right. I just feel so damn bad about it.”
We toss our take out bins away and find our way to the couch. We sit closer this time, our thighs touching. I take his hand, intertwining our fingers. I plant a shy kiss on his cheek and he smiles at me.
He unloads more of his family problems. I add feedback when necessary, while sharing my own stories. Our stories intertwine, our ugly past brought forth a promising evening. For the first time I could see behind his walls, not only do I have reservations, he shares them. His love is tainted by family and an affair, as is mine. A smile plays on my lips. I'm not an anchor dragging him down in my midst. I'm an equal, a shattered soul that shares his guilt. In time we will heal each other.
As for tonight, we’ll hold hands, not advancing further. We’ll tell each other the guilt and problems that cling to us. We’ll move forward, at our own pace. Soon this chaos will be a memory, but for now it’s the only thing standing in our way. Tonight it will be freed.
⇟
I scroll through each picture William sent me, laughing. I store one as my background and send him a text. Audrey taps my screen pulling me back to the conversation. She’s relentlessly venting about Kellen as I pretend to listen. I peek up, finding her eyes narrowed as she waits for an answer. I mutter sorry.
Forever Reckless Page 3