by K. Webster
She is my everything.
Was.
“Shit,” I hiss under my breath and run my fingers through my dirty hair. Bathing is a chore these days.
“Chase, is everything okay?” Belinda asks from behind me.
I turn to her with a frown and shake my head. “No. No, it isn’t.”
She pulls me in for a hug and I let out a ragged sigh.
“Maybe you should let it all out. We’re your friends here,” she reminds me when she lets me go.
I nod and turn back to their expectant, caring faces.
“Guys, I fucked up.”
They remain silent and wait for me to continue.
“It was me. I killed her family.” I gasp, shocking myself at my revelation. “How could we not know? How could God let us fall in love only to rip us apart?”
The room is a buzz of chatter before Nate speaks up. “Dr. Monroe, you didn’t know. Did you?”
I snap my head up to him. “Fuck no! I spent the last decade looking for the woman who witnessed the most devastating thing a mother and wife should ever have to go through. For ten goddamned years I have been searching for her to tell her I’m so sorry. Turns out, Tori didn’t want to be found. She wanted to carve out a new life for herself which didn’t involve heartache. Unfortunately, I found her. But not as the woman I’d been searching for since the accident. I found her instead as my soulmate. My lover. My angel. When I took her to the grave—to tell her what I’m grieving for, the heavens ripped open and tore us apart.”
Jerking off my glasses, I swipe away rogue tears.
“I love her and it’s all a cruel fucking joke from that bitch called fate.”
One by one, they all stand and herd over to me. The next hour goes by in a haze of hugs, words of advice, and prayers. These people, my friends, offer their support in a way no others can. I clutch on to them and frantically bandage the hemorrhaging wound in my heart.
“Chase,” Claudia finally says. “Fate brought you two together, through everything. Do you really think she’ll tear you apart? I know your story will be a happy one. You and Tori both deserve a happy ending. And I believe that the happiness that lies in each other, won’t be found in any other person. She’ll come around, Chase. You’re worth the heartache and pain. I just know she’ll see that too.”
I kiss her graying hair on top of her head and hug her fiercely. “I sure hope so.”
It’s Sunday. The day I would normally visit my family. The day after I would usually go to group. The day that represents a whole week without Chase.
I drive around the neighborhood where the cemetery is, but I can’t bring myself to go inside. So, I keep driving. I’m not sure where I’m going, practically letting the car steer itself. I end up in a residential area that is all too familiar to me and I silently yell at my subconscious for being such a hag. Why would she bring me here? It hurts her too.
I avoid looking at the place on the side of the road where a little memorial sits in remembrance of the accident and the lives lost. However, instead of passing by, I turn on my blinker and slowly pull into the driveway on my right. I park in front of a beige house, a typical cookie cutter home in a quiet neighborhood, with the exception of the busy street out front.
My parent’s cars indicate that they are home and I don’t stop to think, I just get out of the car and walk to the brown front door. Awkwardness makes me hesitate when I realize I don’t know if I should walk in or ring the doorbell. I settle on the bell because I wouldn’t want to scare them. One long, manicured finger hovers over the round little button and I stare intently at the action as though it is the most important thing I’ll ever do.
Procrastination is an art, and despite my work ethic and dedication to my job, I’m quite talented in putting off my personal tasks. Suck it up, Larkin. Stop being such a baby. You eat sharks for lunch in the courtroom and you’re afraid of a conversation with Mom and Dad? Okay. I’ve got this. Okay. I take a deep breath and push. The sound pings inside and I hear shuffling footsteps.
The door swings open and my mom stands there, her blonde curls bouncing around her chin, the same ocean blue eyes. Basically a reflection of what I’ll look like in twenty years. Except her eyes and mouth are bracketed with laugh lines, and I don’t see those creasing my face in the future. Her face lights up when she sees me, and she immediately throws her arms around me.
I close my eyes and soak in the warmth, the smells of my childhood, chocolate and spice. I instantly know that I need this now. If I gained anything from my experience with Chase, it’s that I miss my mom and dad. My mother leans back, a small frown on her face, and uses her thumbs to wipe underneath my eyes. I didn’t know I’d started crying, and when matching tears start rolling down my mom’s cheeks, guilt overcomes me.
“Welcome home, baby girl.” The words wash over me and I take a fearful step toward the door. I left a few days after the accident, and haven’t been back since. I was so busy running from my own grief that I forgot about the mourning mother and grandmother I let behind. Instead, I gave her one more person to grieve over.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.”
She hugs me tight again, then puts an arm around my shoulder and guides me inside.
“It’s all in the past, sweetheart. Let’s focus on now, and the future. I’m just glad you’re home.” The house smells like fresh bread and chocolate chip cookies. I always read that in books and think, how could everyone’s parent’s houses smell like that. Mine didn’t always either, but Mom must have been baking recently, because as I walk in, it smells delicious, and for the first time in a week, I feel the slightest bit of hunger.
When we reach the kitchen, my dad looks up in surprise, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. He pushes the chair back and stalks over to me, pulling me into an enormous bear hug. “Hey, love bug. I’m so happy to see you.” Mom sniffs, and walks to the counter where all the yummy smells were emanating from.
Dad and I sit at the table and an awkward silence descends.
“You look a little thin, Victoria. I better feed you,” Mom chirps. Then she goes about busying herself, putting a plate of treats together.
“Love bug,” Dad starts hesitantly, “I’m so damn glad you’re here, but you look like there might be a big reason for your visit. What’s up?” Right to the point, that’s my dad.
I suck in a breath through my nose and then let it out of my mouth in a puff. Mom sits across the table from me, pushing the plate my way, then watching me expectantly. “Um, have you guys ever thought about the people in the car accident? The guy driving the truck?”
My mom’s face clouds over a little and she slips her hand across the table to cover the one I have resting beside my plate. “Sure I have. Why do you ask?”
I clear my throat a little. “Um, I … met the man who was driving.” Both my parents’ eyebrows raise at that, and sympathy swims in their eyes.
“Is he okay?” my mom asks.
“What do mean, is he okay?” I snap. “Shouldn’t you be asking how I am after meeting the man who killed my husband and baby?”
My mom’s face softens, but she is frowning, nonetheless. “Honey, you left so quickly, you weren’t here for the aftermath of that accident. You shouldn’t blame that poor man. He was dealt his own set of troubles.”
“I’m glad he felt guilty. That’s nothing compared to my grief,” I sneer.
My dad looks at me reproachfully. “Victoria, I’m disappointed in you.”
That shuts me up real quick, and I shrink back in my chair. All of my life, my dad has been my hero and disappointing him…it’s worse than losing a vital case.
“That accident wasn’t any one person’s fault, but that man paid for it. He flipped his truck, landed upside down on one of the other cars. The other car had debris flying everywhere and he was hit in the head with multiple pieces of metal.” I suck in a breath, the image of Chase locked in a twisted hunk of steel makes me ache.
“He was in a coma for
a while,” Mom says. “Then he was forced to stay in the hospital until he was cleared of brain trauma.”
“You knew him? Who he was?” I whisper incredulously.
Dad shakes his head. “No, not personally. We inquired through a friend of a friend. I was worried that we’d lost another life that day as well.”
“Another?” I frown, my brows furrowing deep over my eyes.
“Yes, love bug. Another. He may not have been our family, but he was as innocent as everyone else in that accident. A life just as important as yours or Sarah’s or Ben’s.” My dad shakes his head, looking down at the table, “I wanted to reach out to him, to make sure that he wasn’t living with guilt, or worrying that we blamed him, just see if he was all right. But we didn’t want to force it on him. So, we left it alone.”
I’m so confused by what they are saying. I feel like the room is spinning. I debate whether or not to tell them, going back and forth on the yo-yo. I want to know how they would react, to feel justified in my anger and resentment. “It was Chase,” I blurt out.
Twin looks of confusion grace their faces. “Chase who?” Mom asks.
“Monroe, Mom,” I answer curtly. “Chase Monroe, the guy you met at the wedding.”
Mom’s mouth drops open and Dad’s is thoughtful. Thoughtful? What is there to think about? I’ve been sleeping with the man who took away Ben and Sarah.
“Did he know?” Dad asks.
“No,” I admit, “he didn’t know it was me until last week. He took me to the cemetery.”
Mom’s hand covers her mouth. “Oh honey, I can’t imagine how hard that was. How devastating for you both.”
Once again, I’m lost. Do they not understand what’s happening? “Well, it hardly matters now. We’re over,” I mumble, my heart still hurting at the thought.
“Why?” Mom covers my hand with hers again. “It’s clear that you love him. I think you could heal each other’s grief.”
I pull my hand away and stand. “I have to go.”
My mom looks at my dad, her eyes darting back and forth between us, alarm written all over her face.
“Will you be back?” Dad asks gruffly.
His question softens my heart a little and I nod. “How about dinner next week?”
They both return to the glowing countenance that I’d seen when I arrived. Then I’m walked to the door by my mom, who hugs me tight.
“I missed you so much, baby girl,” she whispers. “Think about what I said, okay? No one is at fault for what happened, only the two of you for blaming yourselves.”
I don’t reply, but I return her hug and wave as I set off for my car.
There is so much swirling around in my mind, I think I’m even more overwhelmed than I was when I stopped at my parent’s house. One thing is clear, I’m fucking exhausted. I make the thirty minute drive back to the city and when I’m finally in my apartment, I fall into the bed in the guestroom and practically pass out from the emotional stress and lack of sleep this week.
I hear the phone in the front room buzzing, dragging me from my sleep. It’s the phone to the front desk. I sigh and glance at the clock, its eight o’clock at night. I’m not expecting a delivery. My forehead puckers as I stumble to the phone, praying it’s not Chase downstairs, asking to be let up. Then I remember he’s on the list, so it isn’t him, and I sigh with a modicum of relief.
“Yes?” I croak, my voice raspy with sleep.
“You have some visitors, Ms. Larkin.”
“Umm, who is it?” I ask warily.
“A…ahem, a group of people. I’ve been requested to tell you they are with Belinda?” His statement ends like a question, asking for permission to send them up.
I’m immediately worried that something has happened to Chase. I tell him to send them up and then pace in front of my door, waiting for a knock. When it comes, I swing the door open so fast, it hits the wall. “Is everything okay? Is everybody okay?” My words mush together in my panicked state. I wave them in still speaking at warp speed. “Did something happen to—Did something happen to anyone?”
Belinda puts her hand on my shoulder. “No one’s dead or in the hospital or anything. You can breathe, calm down.” I take her advice and follow her to the couches where everyone has seated themselves.
“No one’s hurt?” I clarify.
“I didn’t say that,” Belinda begins. She holds up her hand when I go to speak. “I know it’s not really any of my business, but this group, we are family. Including you and Chase. And when one is hurting, we all do.”
Nate speaks up, “He’s devastated, Tori. I’ve never seen him like this.”
I shake my head, backing away, as much in denial, as to ward off their speaking any further on this subject. “You don’t understand—” But, Belinda presses on, taking my hand and keeping me from running.
“Chase told us, honey. We understand what you’re both dealing with, to a certain extent anyway. Tori, look at me.” Her voice is firm, and she steps in front of me so I have no choice but to obey. “You have been on the cusp of acceptance for some time now, and Chase doesn’t like anyone to know, but he hasn’t reached that stage yet, either. But together? Together you were about to fall into the peace of acceptance.”
I don’t have a retort. I know she’s right. We were so close, making that final leap together. Now where am I? Lost, that’s where.
Bill takes hold of Glenda’s hand and meets my gaze. “You’ve learned that you won’t forget them. You believe that they want you to be happy, right?”
I nod slowly. Yes, I’d started to believe that he was the key to my future, the one meant to bring me back to life. But, wasn’t he the one who took it all away?
“Did you ever think,” Bill continues, “that they sent him to you? Because you were the only ones who could truly heal each other? The only ones who could understand each other’s pain?”
My parent’s words start echoing in my head, heal each other’s grief. There is no one at fault, only two who blame themselves.
“Tori, I didn’t know your husband,” Belinda says, “or daughter, but knowing you, I imagine they were compassionate, loving souls. Am I right?”
Tears cascade from my eyes, and I sniffle and nod.
“Perhaps they can free Chase from his guilt through you. And in doing so, free you from your burdens as well.”
Belinda places her hand over her heart, pressing lightly. “Our babies are dancing with the angels, Tori. By being happy, we provide them with the music.”
She dances with angels.
She dances with angels.
Chase’s tattoo. He punishes himself with that tattoo as a reminder that she is gone. But, that’s not what it means. She dances with angels. It should be a reminder to create the symphony that she dances to, one that brings a smile and laughter to her sweet face. A score that tells her we are happy too.
Four faces look at me hopefully, watching to know if they’ve gotten through to me. Chase is the only person on this earth who can truly help me let go and I think I’m his salvation as well. I have to see him. My heart aches a little less at the thought.
“Thanks,” I whisper with a wobbly smile. No more words need to be said. They each give me a parting hug and I’ve finally learned how to return it again.
Once they are gone, I dash to the shower and throw on the first clean clothes I come across. I run around looking for everything I need and beat a hasty path to my car. I’m not stupid. I don’t speed to get to him, but I do scream at the lights and traffic to get their asses moving.
I need to see my angel.
I sit in the middle of my living room floor in nothing but a pair of old sweats and stare at the wall.
Yellow.
Yellow.
Yellow.
But still the wrong fucking shade. Tomorrow I’ll go back to the hardware store and try number twenty on the list. Sunnyside Lane seems like it might be the same color as her dress was—and tomorrow, I will know for sure when it’s p
ainted on my wall.
With a sigh, I lie back on the hardwood floor and it chills my bare back. My eyes close and I think of Tori. Beautiful, brilliant, feisty Tori. A week has gone by and I’m still a wreck. I’ll never recover from losing her.
Ever.
She was a light in my dark world. A reason to smile. A reason to feel hopeful again.
Now, that light has been snuffed out and I remain in the cold, black emptiness all alone. All fucking alone. My heart aches every second of every day without her.
A click of the door opening sends a surge of hope running through my veins that maybe it could be my Tori. But I know better. She’s gone—forever. Besides, Penelope had already promised she’d stop by this evening and bring leftovers, so I know it’s her instead.
“Hey Penny,” I call out, not bothering to open my eyes.
She drops her purse on the floor with a clatter and her flip flops make a smacking noise on the floor as she approaches me.
“Before you ask, yes I ate lunch. Just put the leftovers in the fridge. I’ll eat them later,” I lie. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and I don’t plan on eating dinner either. I’m not fucking hungry.
She sniffles and my entire body grows cold. I’m almost afraid to open my eyes in case it’s a cruel dream. The sound doesn’t belong to that of my loud-ass sister.
“I haven’t been hungry either.”
This time I do open my eyes to see an angel standing over me.
My angel.
Wet, wild blonde hair a big fucking frizzy mess all over her head. Bloodshot blue eyes stare down at me. Perfect lips quivering, just barely holding back her emotions.
“Thank God, baby,” I murmur.
“Chase!”
She launches herself on top of me, straddling my hips. My fingers slide into her messy hair and I draw her to me. Tears fall from her face and splash onto mine. I want to kiss them all away.
“Please forgive me, Tori,” I murmur and press the softest of kisses on her lips. “I love you so damn much. You have to believe me.”