by Iain Aitch
X FACTOR
Created by concentrating all the inherent evil of shows like Pop Idol, Stars in Their Eyes and that rubbish one from the BBC that no one can remember, X Factor has now sucked up and spat out almost 70 per cent of the population. Rumour has it that Simon Cowell et al have actually instigated a secret breeding scheme to ensure that they have enough willing contestants for future episodes. Should the show be cancelled then this genetically engineered strain of morons will be used as organic cavity insulation in an upcoming series of Grand Designs. The Liberal Democrats are toying with the controversial idea of adopting a policy that would see the X Factor model of voting adopted in Parliamentary elections, meaning that only teenage girls, gay men and women over the age of 65 will be allowed into polling stations.
X-RAY
It may be a German invention, but it has taken British minds to truly appreciate the commercial application of the X-ray. This ingenuity has allowed us to realise that an X-ray is an essential part of any claim made on our behalf by the growing number of no-win, no-fee accident lawyers that advertise on daytime television. Those able to drag themselves away from The Jeremy Kyle Show long enough to get dressed can make a decent income from slinging themselves over a wonky paving stone or scything off a limb on a supermarket trolley. Guidelines on hospital waiting times now mean that you can fracture a tibia outside the chip shop, get X-rayed and still be home in time to catch children’s TV.
Y
YARD OF ALE
This supremely imperial measurement of alcohol was once said to be under threat by the EU-imposed ‘metre of lager’, but the Brussels Eurocrats soon realised that no other nation could down such a significant amount of booze in one go and hence left the tradition unchanged. The yard of ale, served in a long glass with a round bowl at the bottom, is traditionally drunk on significant birthdays or stag nights (see stag nights). Under no circumstances should the ale be substituted by Malibu, carrot juice or your own urine.
YBAs
The YBAs (Young British Artists) dominated the contemporary art world in the 1990s with their combination of brashness and unconventional conceptual art. Tracey Emin, Damien Hirst, Sarah Lucas and Rachel Whiteread were as likely to be on the news pages as the arts pages of newspapers with all their sawing-dirty-pants-in-half and preserving-them-in-formaldehyde-style japes. Named after a series of exhibitions at the Saatchi Gallery, the YBAs upset everybody, especially those who cared very little about art. ‘This is not art,’ the offended cried as they admired their poster of that tennis player scratching her arse. Many of the YBAs are now millionaires, as is the bloke who took the photo of the tennis player scratching her arse, or at least he should be if there is any justice in the world.
YELLOW LINES
Parking has become something of an obsession in Britain over the last ten years: many of us now have to pay to park outside our own houses and privately employed parking wardens stop us from actually moving our cars to anywhere that might be vaguely useful. The addition of red routes, bus lanes and speed cameras means that it is nearly impossible to drive to the newsagent at the bottom of the street for a packet of cigarettes without incurring some kind of fine. At this current level of escalation, even the workers who paint on yellow lines will not be able to find anywhere legal to park their vans by 2015, with park-and-ride schemes being set up in Calais for those who wish to do any Christmas shopping in London.
Y-FRONTS
Before model Nick Kamen inspired the boxer short revolution by undressing in an advert for Levi’s in 1985 there was only one kind of underwear that a British man would countenance and that was the Y-front. This patriotic garment was available in a greying off-white or a kind of institutional blue and could only be purchased at Marks and Spencer, though on special occasions, such as Christmas or Valentine’s Day, the store made limited editions of other colours available, such as brown-and-tan or orange. The boxer boom left men confused and uncomfortable, eventually leading to calls for lessons in the correct wearing of the imported trend to be added to the National Curriculum as well as being offered freely as evening classes. Y-fronts are still available and can last a single man for up to eight days if worn correctly (four of those days being inside-out). Political cartoonist Steve Bell often portrayed Prime Minister John Major as being the type of man who would wear outsized Y- fronts. Bell himself is said to prefer the thong.
YOBS
Derived from nineteenth-century back slang for ‘boy’, the word yob is used to define young men (and, more recently, women) whose behaviour is seen as beyond the pale (see hoodies). This group used to be made up exclusively of working-class youths from whichever youth cult was threatening society most at the time, but this perception has now widened to a belief in a ‘yob culture’ in Britain that can include all ages and all classes, including vodka- snorting royals. In order to counter the negative impact of this breakdown in civility, the government are looking at plans to put a positive spin on things by naming a City of Yob Culture. Swansea, Liverpool and Corby are set to fight it out (possibly literally) for the inaugural title. The results will be announced live on the Yob Channel, with citizens of the winning city being awarded free premium lager for a year, which will replace the water in their taps.
Z
ZERO TOLERANCE
Often quoted as the solution to inner city crime, zero tolerance has certainly worked in some parts of the US, where even the most trivial breaches of the law are pounced upon and dealt with. This policy sounds all very well when argued for on phone-in radio programmes (see shock jocks), but it simply goes against British nature. In Britain we prefer to be extremely tolerant to an unspecified level at which point we break and all hell lets loose. This ‘be polite about it until you blow’ approach can range from our efforts at international diplomacy to neighbour disputes (‘That is the last time those kids will be kicking the ball against our wall. Darling, fetch me the baseball bat’).
Z-LIST
Consisting mostly of Big Brother flotsam, royal family floor scrapings and the offspring of C-list celebrities, the Z-list is the place to go if you want to add some ‘glamour’ to your sandwich shop opening, jumble sale or exhibition of amateur pornography. Mostly on probation for serial oxygen thievery, these prime examples of Britain’s wannabe culture are used as fillers in gossip magazines on weeks when there is a shortage of shots of C-list cellulite or B-list singers out shopping. The Z-list is the place that shopping channel presenters aspire to be.
ZOOPHILIA
Men from Wales are often accused of taking part in inter-species relations and their country’s many sheep are usually the alleged subject of their affections, though these cries of ‘sheep shagger’ usually come from men who think nothing of taking an inflatable sheep sex-doll to a major sporting competition in order to taunt their near neighbours. It makes you wonder which of those men has sex with sheep most on their mind, really. The British are known to be a nation of animal lovers, but anything approaching heavy petting with another species is generally frowned upon (especially in a public swimming pool, where it is seen on a par with bombing, running or smoking).
How British Are You?
This quiz will test your knowledge of how well you know the land you live in and the British way of life. You can use it to see what you have learned by reading We’re British, Innit or simply pass it to your mates and see how well they can do without reading the book. Answer enough questions correctly and you can wrap yourself in the flag, get too many wrong and we’ll send Richard Littlejohn round to pack your bags. Think of it as the Citizenship Test for those who already consider themselves citizens or a primer for those who want to be. The details of the answers can be found in the main body of the book and the page number where you can find this information is printed below each question.
1. Mushy peas is a traditional British dish that is made from:
A. Marrowfat peas.
B. Garden peas.
C. Avocado.
; See Mushy peas; page 123
2. Winston Churchill referred to his bouts of depression as his:
A. Black dog.
B. Guide dog.
C. Nodding dog.
See Churchill, Winston; page 36
3. Readers’ Wives is:
A. A magazine of amateur pornography, to which men send in naked pictures of their wives.
B. The annual summer poetry supplement to The Spectator magazine, with contributions from the spouses of subscribers.
C. The Christmas ball held each year for the partners of those in the publishing industry in London.
See Readers’ Wives; page 162
4. The last words of Admiral Lord Nelson were:
A. Rub, rub.
B. Kiss me Hardy.
C. Kismet Hardy.
See Nelson; page 130
5. The presenter of Autumnwatch is:
A. Bill Oddie.
B. Donal McIntyre.
C. Kerry Katona.
See Autumnwatch/Springwatch; page 12
6. Irn Bru is:
A. A soft drink manufactured in Scotland.
B. A vitamin supplement manufactured in Wales.
C. A Viagra competitor manufactured in Northern Ireland.
See Irn Bru; page 100
7. St George is believed to have been born in:
A. Turkey.B. England.
C. Scotland.
See St George; page 174
8. The Blitz Spirit refers to:
A. The community cohesion during bombing raids in World War II.
B. The New Romantic scene in Soho in the early 1980s.
C. Illegal bathtub gin manufactured during the 1940s.
See Blitz Spirit; page 20
9. Norman Tebbit’s ‘cricket test’ refers to:
A. Whether second-generation immigrants support the team from their place of birth or their parents’ place of birth.
B. How long an immigrant must have lived in the UK before he can play sport at international level for a British nation.
C. Whether or not you can keep a bat under your bed to deal with intruders.
See Cricket test; page 44
10. A Hornby is:
A. A middle-class, Johnny-come-lately football fan.
B. A model-railway enthusiast.
C. A traditional beer-barrel maker.
See Hornbies; page 94
11. The Bowler hat was first designed to be worn for:
A. Horse riding.
B. Cricket.
C. Weddings.
See Bowler hats; page 24
12. The full correct name for the British flag is:
A. The Union Flag.
B. The Union Jack.
C. The British Standard.
See entry on page 203
13. Does the phrase ‘innit’ usually mean?
A. What I am saying is unquestionably true, sir. Do not doubt my certainty in the facts I have explained to you.
B. What I am saying is a joke.
C. To be inside something, like a youth custody centre.
See Innit; page 99
14. Did gender-bending blancmange-faced pop star Boy George famously declare that he would prefer a cup of tea to:
A. Sex?
B. Another hit single?
C. An invite to Elton John’s wedding?
See Tea; page 190
15. An amateur is:
A. Someone who does something purely out of the spirit of enjoyment.
B. Someone who is not very good at something.
C. Someone who neither charges for it or is any good at it; a bit like your ex.
See Amateurism; page 7
16. Baked beans are made from tomato sauce and which kind of bean?
A. Haricot beans.
B. Kidney beans.
C. Magic beans.
See Baked beans; page 14
17. Someone stands on your foot while you are travelling on the bus. Should you:
A. Apologise profusely.
B. Demand an apology.
C. Punch them hard in the face.
See entry on page 9
18. The term Ordnance Survey refers to:
A. The vast range of maps that show the British Isles in various scales.
B. The results of a random sampling of what arms schoolchildren carry with them.
C. An organisation that carries out opinion polls.
See entry on page 134
19. What is a haggis?
A. A mixture of offal, oats and onions which is contained in a sheep’s stomach.
B. A small mammal that is hunted in the Scottish Highlands during the winter months.
C. A droning musical instrument that originated in Dundee.
See Haggis; page 87
20. What were the denominations of pre-decimal currency used in Britain?
A. Pounds, shillings and pence.
B. Fathoms, leagues and knots.
C. Rocks, pebbles and gravel.
See Old money; page 133
21. The gin and tonic was invented:
A. As a way of getting troops in India to take quinine.
B. As a means of using up an accidental over-production of gin.
C. To make a spirit associated with toothless Victorian binge drinkers palatable to the middle classes.
See Gin and tonic; page 77
22. The name Boudica refers to:
A. A warrior queen who was the scourge of the Roman invaders.
B. A religious leader who brought Christianity to Britain.
C. A nightclub in Romford.
See Boudica; page 24
23. Which of the following condiments is not a suitable thing to put on your chips?
A. Balsamic vinegar.
B. Malt vinegar.
C. Acetic acid.
See Fish and chips; page 65
24. The phrase most associated with Rich Tea biscuits is:
A. A drink’s too wet without one.
b. We make’ em, you dunk ‘em.
C. Buy some chocolate Hob Nobs, you cheapskate.
See Rich Tea biscuits; page 165
25. What is special about the day known as Tit Tuesday?
A. It is the first day of summer, as denoted by female office workers who remove their jumpers and cardigans to reveal their curves.
B. It is the day that the RSPB hold their annual survey of British garden birds.
C. It is the day that marks the start of a new television series by popular comedian Dom Joly.
See Tit Tuesday; page 196
MOSTLY As
Well done. You know your stuff. Break out the suet pudding and some rhubarb and custard sweets before you hang out some bunting and enjoy a pint of real ale or a bucket of Pimms. Take the day off and polish up your Sovereign rings or simply tune into Radio 4 and enjoy a cucumber sandwich in the rain while you laugh at the entries you know and recognise in We’re British, Innit.
MOSTLY Bs
Not bad, but you could do with brushing up on your Britishness. Try a Marmite and Ovaltine diet for the next week. These brain foods should help you absorb all the information in We’re British, Innit and leave you feeling wonderfully British. At the end of the week reward yourself with some pie and mash or fish and chips before apologising profusely to everyone for no apparent reason.
MOSTLY Cs
Hang your head in shame and leave the country. Either you have been overdoing the binge drinking or you are a Peruvian tourist. You probably don’t even know how to say ‘Leicester’ properly or which Spice Girl is which. Be sure to read We’re British, Innit from cover to cover to discover the real truth about Britain and its ways.
Acknowledgements
This book would not have been possible without the wonderful people of Britain and especially the assortment of oddballs and fruitcakes
I am proud to call my friends. Thanks especially to Christina Lamb for not becoming overly annoyed at the build up of both dirty mugs and increasingly ridiculous puns, to my agent Susan Smith at MBA for occasionally sending me rude pictures to inspire me and to Claire Kingston and all at HarperCollins for their enthusiasm and willingness to discuss white dog excrement at length.