Matt did the calculations in his head. All the money he had given Big Ed for the large shipment this month was gone, no way to recover any of it. If he wanted to keep doing business he’d have to bring the stuff in every day and keep it on him at all times. Not an option. His business was crushed.
When he rounded the corner on the second floor, Mr. Gill and Officer Hershey were standing outside his first-period classroom. Hershey kept a poker face, but Gill was sporting a huge shit-eating grin.
“Good morning, Mr. Nolan,” Gill said. “I hope you enjoyed your little stroll around the school grounds this morning.”
Matt stopped several yards away. There was nowhere to hide, nothing to do but stand and stare at them.
Mr. Gill gestured grandly to the classroom door. “What are you waiting for? Come right in. Enjoy your public education today, Matt. I’m in such a good mood I’m not even going to give you a detention for being tardy.”
Matt stood his ground. Mr. Gill looked at his watch and said, “Well, I’ve got a lot to do today. Better get cracking.” He walked down the hall past Matt, then stopped just behind him. “You’re through making me look like a jackass in my own school,” he said to the back of Matt’s head. “You’re finished. And you know what? No one will even remember you were here at all.” Then he strode down the hall and out of sight.
There was no anger in Matt. No feeling of any kind. He was totally numb.
He walked toward the classroom door on autopilot. Hershey was still there.
“You got lucky, Matt.”
Matt stared through the big officer. “Right.” He pushed by Hershey to open the door but the officer placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
“I’m serious, Matt. There were lots of ways Gill wanted this to go down that ended with you doing time. He wanted you red-handed but couldn’t get around the entrapment laws.”
Matt stood there, rigid. Hershey watched him. Finally, Matt said, “Can I go now?”
Hershey sighed, lifted his palms in a what-can-you-do gesture. “Look, I shouldn’t be telling you this stuff. But I want you to understand you got lucky and it won’t happen again.” Matt looked over Hershey’s shoulder, his face blank. “This is your last chance to turn yourself around, Matt. You need to decide if you’re going to be the one in control of your life, or if you’re going to get nailed and let somebody else do it.”
Matt waited until Hershey gave up and walked away, and then he opened the classroom door.
Matt walked home after school. He nearly got hit by passing cars several times as he zigzagged back and forth over the white line at the edge of the road. He ignored the blaring horns and the shouted insults.
Entering the trailer park, he tuned out the jokes from the picnic table regulars. When he arrived at trailer #6, he stared at the Buick Electra in the gravel driveway as he walked to the door.
Jack was curled up in a blanket on the recliner, snoring softly. Amanda sat on the couch with a book. “Hey,” Matt whispered. “What’re you doing here?”
“Jack asked me to come by again. Last night, while you were out.” Amanda went right back to reading her book. “He asked for my help, and I’m not going to let the fact that you live here stop me from giving it to him.”
“Oh.” Matt stood in the doorway, looking around the trailer. He felt like an intruder. “How long have you been here?”
“I drove over at lunch, and then ended up staying all afternoon. Math and social studies were just having reviews for next week’s quiz, so I knew I wouldn’t really miss anything.” Amanda plopped the book in her lap and pointed at him, her voice rising. “Besides, Jack wants me here and you don’t have the right to—”
Matt held up both hands, stopping her in midsentence. “Whoa, whoa. It’s okay. It’s fine that you’re here.” He tossed his jacket on the kitchen table and slumped down into one of the chairs. He put his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. Amanda resumed reading. The silence stretched between them. Matt didn’t know what else to say.
He stood up and got a soda from the fridge. “I’m home for the rest of the day. I’m not chasing you out or anything, but you can leave whenever you want.”
“Jack wanted me to stick around until he woke up.” She didn’t look up from her book this time.
Matt took a deep breath. “Look…I was an ass last night.”
Amanda peered at him over the edge of her book. She raised her eyebrows. Matt was silent.
“Is that an apology?” Amanda said.
“I said I was an ass, okay? What more do you want?”
“Well, I guess knowing that you’re an ass is a good sign. What’s that saying? ‘Admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery’? This could be your chance to recover.”
“They have a twelve-step program for assholes?”
“Yeah. I think Mr. Gill teaches it.”
Matt might have smiled at that had it been a different day. “I never said thanks. You know, for being here yesterday.”
Amanda waited a moment. “Are you saying thanks now?”
“Jesus.” Matt rolled his eyes. “Yes, okay? I am officially apologizing and saying thank you.”
“Then you are officially forgiven—provided you don’t do it again—and you’re welcome.”
“I’m glad you were here. It made what I had to do a little easier.”
“You want to talk about that?”
“No.”
“Big surprise.”
Matt looked over at Jack. “How long’s he been asleep?”
Amanda looked at the time. “A couple of hours. He was out when I got here, then he woke up for a little while. We had time to play half a game of cribbage before he drifted off again.”
“He have anything to eat?”
Amanda shook her head. “He wouldn’t touch anything. He…uh…had a little accident. You know, in his bed. He was super embarrassed, poor thing, but I helped him get cleaned up.”
“Oh, Jesus.” Matt covered his eyes with one hand. For some reason he was feeling embarrassed, too. “I’m so sorry about that. Really. I can hardly ever get him to use that stupid port-a-potty. I wish you didn’t—”
“It’s okay, Matt. He’s sick. It happens.”
Matt dropped his hand and looked at Amanda. Really looked at her. “Thank you.”
“Careful, Matt. That’s twice in one day.”
“Shut up.”
Amanda smiled. “Besides, I figure now I have something to say during my next nursing interview. That was some real-world experience right there.”
“I bet.” Matt sighed. “Anything else I should know?”
“Let’s see…oh, he was having trouble swallowing his pills, so I ground them up into powder and dissolved them in a little bit of water. It was all he could do to get that down.”
“That’s a good idea. I’ll have to try that.”
They were quiet together after that. More reading and some homework for Amanda. Lots of staring at the walls for Matt. When the sun went down they silently put together a simple dinner. They ate on the couch, near Jack, hoping he would wake up and be able to eat a few bites. But he snored the entire time.
—
Amanda left around 9 p.m. on the condition that Matt would give her an update on Jack the next day. Matt let her go without telling her that there was no point in his being at school anymore.
Matt sat on the coffee table in front of Jack and watched him sleep. Jack’s cheeks were sunken, there was no denying that. And his skin looked bad; his beard was getting patchy and there was a splotchy red rash growing underneath it, as if the whiskers were finally irritating his face after so many years there.
Matt desperately wanted Jack to wake up. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to talk, or maybe just sit there with Jack and watch something on TV. He glanced at the clock and calculated that Jack had been awake for less than an hour, total, in the last twenty-four hours.
It struck h
im suddenly that this could be it. At some point, Jack was going to close his eyes and not open them again. It could be today. He knew it was possible, but it didn’t seem fair. What about a real goodbye? What about the shit people said on their deathbed that their family and friends never forgot, that changed their lives somehow?
Matt realized he wasn’t going to get any warning. It was just going to happen when it happened.
Restless, he roamed around the trailer with a trash bag, dumping out ashtrays and picking up pizza boxes and the used tissues Jack dropped all over the place. He tidied up the kitchen and got the medicine cabinet in order. Maybe the place didn’t have to be such a pit when Jack woke up.
If Jack woke up.
When Jack started calling out for Cassie, Matt was sitting on the floor, resting against the couch. It was still dark outside and Matt jerked awake at the sound of Jack’s voice, disoriented. Hearing his mom’s name like that made it even more difficult to tell where he was, what was going on.
“Cassie? Where are you, Cassie?”
Matt wiped his mouth on his sleeve and got his bearings. The recliner was empty, Jack’s blanket strewn across the floor. Matt stood up on tired legs and looked around. The trailer was dimly lit by the light in the hallway.
“Cassie? We got to leave in the morning, girl. Got to leave real early. Come on, now.”
Jack was in the corner of the dark kitchen area fumbling at the wall like he was trying to open a door that wasn’t there. He turned, bumped into a chair, then groped his way back to his spot in the corner.
Matt approached Jack slowly. He put his hand on Jack’s shoulder and gently turned him around.
“Cassie? That you?”
“No, Jack, it’s me. I’m right here.”
Jack squinted at Matt, studying him. Matt saw no recognition in his eyes.
The ache in Matt’s chest surprised him; how overwhelming it was and especially how quickly it hit him. Not having Jack know who he was hurt. It hurt worse than the way Matt had imagined it would feel when Jack died.
“Where is she? You know Cassie?”
Matt placed one hand on his uncle’s back and took him by the elbow to lead him away from the kitchen area. “I know Cassie,” Matt said. He wanted his voice to be soothing but knew it sounded forced, raw. “But she’s not here right now. Let’s get you to bed.” Matt led Jack around the kitchen table, then slowly walked him through the living room.
“Tell her we’re leavin’ in the morning, leavin’ early,” Jack said. He shuffled along beside Matt, his hands up to protect himself, like a blind man. “You tell her I’ll take care of it. Take care of all of it.”
“I will,” Matt whispered. “I’ll tell her that.” He walked Jack down the hallway toward the bedroom.
“I’ll take care of everything,” Jack said.
Matt guided Jack into the bedroom and helped him sit down on the edge of the bed. He clicked on the bedside lamp and pushed some magazines off the bed so Jack would have room to lie down. Matt knelt in front of Jack to take off his slippers.
“Big Matty?”
Matt’s breath caught in his throat when he heard the name Jack used to call him when he was a little kid. “Is that you, Big Matty?”
Matt looked up to see Jack squinting down at him. He swallowed heavily and nodded. “Yeah. It’s me, Uncle Jack.”
“Look at you, Big Matty. Yer sure growin’ up.” Jack reached out and let his hand fall on top of Matt’s head. He rubbed his hand around, messing up Matt’s hair, just like he did when Matt was a little kid. Matt took off Jack’s slippers and slipped them under the bed while Jack patted him.
Jack let his hand fall away. “You seen yer mother anywhere? I’m lookin’ for her.”
“She’s not here right now, Uncle Jack.”
“Okay.”
Jack sat there for a minute, gazing at the wall. A smile played across his lips for a moment, and Matt wished he knew what Jack was seeing.
Even though Jack was in his own world, his own time, Matt forged ahead with what he had been waiting to tell him. He knew it was probably useless, but he figured it might help on some level. And although he didn’t exactly admit it to himself just then, he wanted to make sure he didn’t miss his last chance.
“Jack?”
“Mmmm-hmmm?”
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“Huh?”
“I’m really sorry. For what I said. You know I want you here. I’ve always wanted you here.”
Jack shook his head. “You don’t never have to say sorry to your uncle, Big Matty, you know that.”
Matt nodded. The needles burned at the back of his eyes again but this time he didn’t fight it.
“Thanks, Uncle Jack.”
“You bet. Now, yer not so big you can’t give old Uncle Jack a hug, are you?”
Matt swallowed. He hadn’t hugged Jack since he was five or six years old.
Jack spread his arms wide. Matt hesitated, then moved close.
Jack let his arms, so light, fall over Matt’s shoulders. Matt wrapped his arms around Jack, his cheek resting on Jack’s shoulder. Underneath the smell of mentholated rub and old bathrobe and unwashed hair was the smell of Uncle Jack, unchanged over all the years. Jack patted him on the back, whispering, “Yer a good little guy, Big Matty.”
“You too, Uncle Jack.”
“You always been my favorite, you know. My favorite little guy in the world.”
Matt didn’t know how long it took before Jack’s breathing got heavier, more rhythmic, finally turning to light snores. He only knew that he held on to his uncle for a long time after that.
Matt slept in until ten the next morning. Jack woke him up when he tried to get out of bed and knocked the bedside lamp onto the floor. Matt pulled himself off the couch, stumbled down the hallway to fetch Jack and get him into the bathroom and then got a warm bath ready for him.
Jack’s mind was more alert this morning—he was back in the present day, at least—but his body was slower, more unsteady. After Jack’s bath the two of them sat in the living room and watched part of an old movie on TV. Matt made fish sticks, but Jack only had two or three bites before making a face and pushing the plate away. Nothing else Matt suggested sounded good to him. By eleven o’clock Jack asked to go back to bed.
—
Matt was lying on the couch, staring blankly at the TV, when he heard the crunch of tires on the driveway gravel. He sighed, pushed himself off the couch and opened the front door.
“How’s Jack?” Amanda said.
“Good morning to you, too.”
“It’s noon, Matt. Is Jack okay?”
Matt shrugged. “He was up for a little while, earlier. He’s back in bed now. But he’s as okay as he can be, I guess.”
“Then what are you doing here? Why aren’t you at school?”
Matt stepped back, pushing the door wide open. “I suppose you’re going to want to come in.”
Amanda pushed past him, stood in the living room and crossed her arms. “Why aren’t you at school?”
Matt took a deep breath. “Amanda…I think I’m pretty much done with school.”
“Does this have to do with those police dogs messing with your little business operation?”
Matt raised his eyebrows. “You heard about that?”
“I might be a social outcast, Matt, but I’m not deaf. Everybody heard about that.”
Matt raised both palms for a moment. “Then, yeah. That’s the reason.”
“Well, Matt, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Amanda kept her eyes steadily on Matt’s.
“People don’t talk to me like that.”
“I’m not one of your customers.”
“Ex-customers. Besides, I can’t go. He needs me here.”
“What he needs is to know that you’re going to be okay after he’s gone. That you’re not going to be some degenerate high school dropout.”
“You have no fucking idea what he
needs. Just leave us alone.” Matt marched to the door and pushed it open.
Amanda took off her coat, slowly, deliberately, and laid it over the back of a kitchen chair. Then she sat down, took her math book out of her backpack and started doing homework.
She’d worked for a few moments when she said, without looking up, “Lunch period will be over in fifteen minutes. You can still make it to school in time for afternoon classes. I can afford to skip a few times, but I’m guessing you can’t.”
Matt stood by the open door, continuing to watch her. A minute or so later she looked up and said, “You’re not going to do this alone, Matt. Get used to it. I’m going to watch out for Jack today.” She bent her head back to her work and added, “You can either go back to school or stand there and stare at the wall, but either way, please close the door. It’s getting drafty in here.”
Matt sighed, shook his head and walked out the door of the trailer.
—
After that day, Matt and Amanda fell into a caretaking routine. Amanda switched a couple of her classes over to Independent Study so she could spend more time at the trailer during the day. Matt feigned illness during the classes where he could recoup lost points by making up tests and projects at home, and tried as much as he could to attend the classes that counted daily participation points. It was easier than arguing with Amanda. He also attended the Helping Hands meetings, doing work for Ms. Edwards, while Amanda finished up the book drive on Saturday afternoons. Between the two of them, they managed to have someone with Jack at the trailer almost all the time.
Matt thought he’d kept a low profile at school before, dodging security cameras, flying under the radar of busy teachers. But now he knew what it felt like to be truly invisible. No one spoke to him. Sure, someone might say hello when passing on a staircase or give him a nod of recognition in the halls, but not one of the people he used to talk to sought him out for any reason. Rumor had it that one of the juniors, a recent transfer from a bigger school down south, had stepped in to fill the void in the black market left by Matt’s forced retirement.
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