by Adam (lit)
Except one. If she would let him.
It was the hardest thing he’d ever done: Listen to Lyn and feel the pain of the past year, see the hurt she’d borne all alone. He wanted to hear it all in spite of what it would cost him – and Lyn.
“And then? What did you do?”
“When I found I was pregnant, I was horrified. First, I thought, No, not after what I’ve been through. Don’t let me have a baby by a man who hates me. What kind of mother will I make?”
She didn’t see Adam’s shudder or the agony inside as she made him see so graphically what he had done to her.
How could she not hate him? At that moment, he despised himself.
She sipped wine and stared at the glass. “I’m a nurse, I thought, so I can manage a nine month’s pregnancy. I could take care of a baby, there were plenty of single mothers these days. I have a good job. I have the money Adam left.” She glanced at Adam and shrugged. “I figured I could handle pregnancy and a job as well as the next one. Since I didn’t have a choice, I could hardly do anything different. There was the question of whether I should tell you I was pregnant. With total bitterness, I decided to hell with Adam Mabry. This is my baby, and he has no right to it. Then I laughed at myself. Adam Mabry couldn’t care less about me or a baby. His grief would keep him occupied for a long time.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “For a brief time, I hated you, really deep down in the gut hated you. That didn’t last long. What you had done was give me a chance to hold a child of my own. And to hell with the father.”
Adam wanted to interrupt, to take her in his arms and tell her he didn’t blame her for hating him. Tell her that he wished he had been with her to share some of her pain, help with any problem she had. He felt detached from his body as he waited for her to go on.
“It was an easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, no excessive fatigue, and I only gained nine pounds. Then in the sixth month, I started bleeding.”
His entire body jerked. “Bleeding?”
“Spotting, at first. My gynecologist made me cut my hours at work and spend a lot of time in bed. I got better and went back to work. I was at home on my day off, sitting on that small deck with Trish. I stood to get us a glass of tea and fainted. Trish called 911 and got me to the hospital in record time.” She smiled a little. “Trish doesn’t move fast very often, but she did that day. And she stayed with me until Alexa was born by C-section the next morning. She was a tiny, ugly, little red thing. You could hold her in one of your hands.”
Adam looked at his fist that was clenched beside his wine glass. He opened and looked at the long fingers. How could anything that small live?
“What is a C-section?”
“Caesarean section. Surgery. They had to cut her out.”
He winced. “I don’t see how she survived.”
“Me, either, but now I can. Alexa is a very determined child.” She laughed. “What she lacks in size, she makes up for in action. She’s a sweet baby, has always been easy to care for. Right now, she’s cutting teeth and sometimes isn’t too happy about it.”
Lyn grew silent, turning the wine glass in both hands. Adam watched her and wondered how he could tell her his feelings now. If she refused to listen to him, he wouldn’t be able to blame her. That wasn’t going to keep him from trying.
He pushed his wine glass aside.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Trish stuck her head in the doorway. “Everything all right in there?”
Lyn looked up and smiled. “Yes. Alexa?”
“Sleeping like the angel she is. Got any wine left?”
“Sure.” Lyn started to get up for another glass, but Trish waved her back.
“Stay.” She reached in a top cabinet, came back with a crystal goblet.
Adam stood as she came to the table.
“Oh, sit, Adam. We don’t stand on ceremony around here.” She poured her wine, and then topped off their glasses even though little had been drunk from them. She sipped and looked from one to the other. “I’m going to prop my feet up and enjoy this,” she said. “Alexa has kept me hopping today.”
“Thanks, Trish.” Lyn knew well that a six months old could really tire one out.
“As soon as I finish this wine, I’m headed for bed. Want me to take the monitor with me?”
“No, Trish. Get a good night’s sleep. You’ve done your good deeds and then some. Good night.”
“See you. Good night, Adam.” Trish walked away and they heard her sigh as she sat down in the living room.
“Monitor?” Adam said.
Lyn pointed to the counter where an instrument, shaped somewhat like a cell phone, sat. “If Alexa wakes or makes a sound, we can hear it. I have one in every room of the house. This one has been turned off until Trish came by and turned it on. Trish is staying the night with me, and she’ll take Alexa with her tomorrow so I can finish getting things set straight.”
Adam looked at the item. “I know so little about what taking care of a baby involves.” He hadn’t noticed Trish doing anything except get the wine. All of his attention had been on Lyn. He turned back to her.
“Are you too angry, too disgusted with me, to listen for a few minutes?”
“I’m neither angry nor disgusted with you, Adam. I’ve worked hard to have no feelings at all toward you.” She looked at him from beneath those long lashes. “Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t.”
His heart leaped. Perhaps she still had feelings for him even if he didn’t deserve it.
“The baby. Alexa.” He swallowed, still too stunned by the knowledge he was a father to realize its consequences. “If I had known you were pregnant, I would have done things differently. When I heard about Aaron and Kara, knew for sure you weren’t Kara, and I had two deaths to deal with, the only thing I could think of was I’d never see Aaron again, that other half of me was gone. We’d been close, as close as twin brothers could be, and I had been so certain you knew where he was, that he was somewhere sulking and getting over one of Kara’s hurting affairs. I didn’t forget about you; I thought of you every day. You stuck in my mind, my consciousness, because I had been so wrong about you. Not only that, I couldn’t forget how you felt in my arms, the sweetness of you, especially during the amnesia.” He paused. “I walked in a sort of vacuum, taking care of Aaron and Kara. The business demanded a lot of my input, decisions, the effect of Aaron’s death. Garth was great in his support, and it turned out he has a pretty good business head. I hired him for the company, and he’s an excellent worker. Anyway, by the time I worked through all the problems dealing with the estate, I figured you’d forgotten about me.”
Lyn snorted. “Oh, sure. Give me a couple of weeks and I can forget being kidnapped and forced into a sexual relationship.” Her temper rose with her voice.
“I did call you, but you didn’t return my calls.” He held up his hand. ”Wait, Lyn. Just let me say this. I was in love with you before the accident.”
She stared, shocked into speechlessness.
“Yes. I loved you and hated myself for loving my brother’s wife. When I was away, you stayed on my mind. I fought to keep from calling every day. And when I came home, I couldn’t wait to get you in my arms. It was only a few days, Lyn, and you’d landed smack in my heart where I didn’t want you to be. When I saw that car headed for you and knew it was going to hit, my entire world went black. If I hadn’t called your name, you might have moved, but when I yelled, you froze.”
Lyn listened, all the time wondering if she’d heard right. He loved her? Had loved her all this time?
“I stayed in the hospital while you were unconscious and only went home to change clothes and take a bath. Then when I found out you didn’t know who you were, had no idea how you had come to be with me, I was glad.”
“Glad?” Her brows peaked “Glad I didn’t remember who I was? Or who you were?”
He smiled just a bit. “Yes. If you couldn’t remember who you were, then you didn’t know you were married to Aa
ron.”
“I knew it all the time, remember?”
He nodded. “I can’t say I’m sorry enough, and I don’t know any other words to convey my feelings. Anyway, I walked the floor at the hospital, had the doctor and nurses ready to bar me from the premises because I pestered them so about your condition.”
She leaned her elbows on the table. “And a week later, you walked out, paid me off with flowers and a hundred thousand dollars, and told me to get lost.”
“No! No, Lyn. That’s not how I meant you to see it. I was trying to make up for some of the things I’d said and done.”
“You think flowers and money can make up for what I went through? Money makes everything right in your world, Adam, but in mine, I like a bit more of real feelings.” She breathed hard and fast. What she’d really like to do was dash the wine in his face and punch him a good one in that stubborn chin.
He flinched as though she had struck him. “My feelings for you are real. I wouldn’t have come back here if they weren’t. Can you give just a little, Lyn, enough to allow me back into your life? And to get used to the fact that I’m a father?”
“You can forget being a father. We’ve done all right without you so far, and we can continue to do so.”
He sat silent, staring at her. She had every right to distrust him. And by golly, he had every right to tell her, show her, he meant what he said.
“How can I convince you I’m serious? What must I do to prove I love you? That I want to be a part of your life and Alexa’s.” He passed a hand over his face, uncertain of where he stood with Lyn. He didn’t recall the last time he’d been this unsure of anyone or anything.
“Did you have a bad time giving birth to Alexa?”
“I’ve told you what happened.”
“All of it?”
She shrugged. “Mostly.”
He leaned toward her, wanted to reach for her hand but resisted. “How long were you in labor?”
“Not long. Alexa was in a hurry to be born, and she stayed in a hurry once we got to the hospital. They had to take her by Caesarian, and I was completely out of it.”
“You have scars?”
She laughed. “Yeah.”
“Can I see them?”
She raised her eyebrows. “Are you some kind of pervert?”
“No. If I make love to you, you’ll be naked, and I can see all of you, scars and all your loveliness.”
She gaped at him. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m in love with you, Lyn. I want to marry you, take care of you and Alexa. That’s why I’m here. I love you.”
She wasn’t sure she’d heard right. Her heart pumped so hard and fast she thought he must hear it. There was a roaring in her ears. She shook her head but it did nothing to clear her mind.
“Why are you so surprised now? I’ve told you I loved you even before the accident. I had to deal with that fact even though I was convinced you were married to Aaron. Afterwards, I couldn’t do anything about it because of having to take care of business. With Aaron’s death, all the responsibilities, the settling of business as well as personal affairs, fell on me.”
“I can understand your grief, Adam. I’m not heartless. But I remember how cold you were in telling Garth to get rid of me.”
“Hell, that’s not the way it was. Garth couldn’t have been that unsympathetic.”
“No, I blamed everything on you because I thought you were a cold, insensitive, heartless son of a bitch.”
His lips twitched. “Quite a description. Any other adjectives you can think of?”
“Callous, cruel, unfeeling, cold-blooded, pitiless. For starters.”
“That’s for starters?” His voice was dry, almost amused.
She opened her mouth at the time a soft, melodic chime sounded.
Lyn stood. “I have to check on Alexa before Trish wakes. She needs to sleep.”
“May I go with you?”
Lyn was around the table and headed out of the kitchen. “Sure. Come along if you like.” Let him see what they had created between them. Alexa was precious, but Lyn had no idea Adam could relate to her. His mind was so business oriented, human beings, especially little ones, held no interest for him. He’d used Lyn for sex, and she supposed he was just curious.
He wanted to see the baby again, maybe hold her. She was a pretty baby, something he had helped to create. He had no doubt Alexa was his, and he was interested in anything that was his. Had he ever held a six months old baby? Not in this lifetime.
From the moment he stepped into the nursery behind Lyn, he was enchanted. The room was bigger than he would have thought for a baby. Airy. Even though it was dark, the indirect lighting gave a feeling of space and warmth. Walls were so pale a yellow as to seem almost white. There was a wall of windows with pale yellow sheers over narrow louvered blinds. A pale oak crib with cartoon figures dancing along the rails was pushed against the wall close to the windows. A chest of drawers, a changing table and a mirrored dresser left plenty of space to move around. A rocking chair sat near the crib.
Adam hesitated in the doorway, and Lyn moved across the room ahead of him.
“Hi, Sweetie.” She bent over the crib,
Adam’s attention fastened on her hips. Even in the baggy pants, they were purely feminine – and his body responded. He swallowed and blinked, reminding himself he was here to see Alexa, not ogle Lyn’s butt.
Lyn straightened and turned. In her arms was the cutest baby he’d ever seen with big gray eyes, curly black hair and a sleepy smile. He’d seen her downstairs, but here she was in Lyn’s arms, one tiny fist curled into Lyn’s hair, the other stuck in that pink rosebud mouth. Except for her hair and eyes, she looked like Lyn.
“She’s wet.” Lyn placed Alexa on the changing table. “Which is the usual case.”
Adam stepped around Lyn and stared down at the baby. The baby stared back at him, and then she smiled a sleepy, moist grin, and he was lost. Both little fists waved at him as she gurgled and cooed and blew bubbles.
He laughed. Lyn turned her head to look at him as she quickly changed the diaper. He saw her automatic movements, something she did dozens of times a day, and could do it without looking. He envied her.
It was amazing. He had never been around babies, had never thought about having any, never had any desire to father a child. And look what he’d done accidentally. A beautiful accident.
How did Lyn feel about having a baby by a man who had, for all intents and purposes, used her? As far as she knew, he had gotten her pregnant by mistake when he had no feelings for her except lust. She was wrong, but she didn’t believe him when he confessed to loving her. Why should she? He wouldn’t either, in her place.
He looked down at Alexa. “I want her.”
Lyn lifted the baby, turned, and held Alexa out to him. Surprised, he instinctively took her. He looked into those gray eyes and fell in love.
“God, she’s beautiful.” He shifted Alexa, surprised that he could do so without dropping her.
“Yes, she is pretty. You can sit in the rocker and hold her a little while. She’ll go right back to sleep.”
Adam turned, bent his knees, and eased into the rocking chair. Alexa was against his chest, and she turned her head, leaned over and fastened her mouth on his chin. The thrill that slammed through him sent a shiver all through his body. Alexa wasn’t shy about nibbling, she hung on and chomped. If she’d had teeth, he’d have had marks.
Lyn laughed. “She likes chins. She’s cutting teeth and I guess skin is more soothing than the pacifier.” She doubted if Adam would want a baby slobbering all over his chin and getting his nice suit all wet. “I’ll take her. She’ll mess up that pretty shirt and tie.”
“Let her chew if you don’t think shaving lotion or beard will hurt her.”
Lyn hesitated. It looked natural to see this big man holding a tiny child in an old rocking chair. His face was full of curiosity, almost tangible in its intensity. Big hands met around the sm
all body, long fingers spread to support her. Alexa released her hold on his chin and saliva dripped down on both of them. Lyn took a cloth diaper and wiped Adam’s tie and shirt front, and then wiped Alexa’s face.
The baby grinned and held out her arms to Lyn.
“Yeah, right. Come to Mommy and let’s get you back to sleep.”
Adam released the baby and watched Lyn take a bottle of milk from a warmer. A moment later, she straightened and turned to him.
“She’ll be asleep in a few minutes.” She turned out the brightest light, leaving enough that one could easily see Alexa.
“You just leave her? You don’t stay until she goes to sleep?”
“No.” She looked at him. He was totally dismayed that she was leaving the baby alone before she went to sleep. She smiled. “Alexa will be all right. Usually, she’ll sleep from now until six in the morning. If she whimpers, I’ll hear her.”
He frowned. “She gets up at six every morning?”
“Mostly. Sometimes she wakes earlier, sometimes she’ll sleep till seven.”
“How can you work a full day after no more sleep than she allows?”
“I go to bed early if possible. If I get behind in sleep, Trish fills in, and sometimes Mrs. Sumter, another friend, helps out.”
How does she do all of that and keep going? Look at her: She’s been up since five this morning, helped move, ran errands, checked on Alexa, and she moves like she just had a nap. He was exhausted just thinking about it, and he thought of himself as a hard worker.
He followed Lyn back to the living room. The furniture was arranged comfortably even though there were boxes stacked on one side. Thoughtfully, he looked around, and then back at Lyn. She had dropped into a wine leather recliner.
“You’re exhausted.” He could see it now, the circles under her eyes, the boneless way she slumped in the chair.
She yawned. “Yeah, I am, but I have more work to do before I go to bed.”