Clichéd Love: A Satirical Romance

by Lynn Galli

  “I’ll keep my fingers crossed.”

  “Thanks. I’ll let her know you’re pulling for her.” Iris’s tender smile shifted to me, and I felt as if she’d just swept me into their special friendship club.

  17 |

  After more than an hour of panicked searching of the apartment for my wallet, I finally got into my car and cautiously drove through the neighborhood’s back streets, retracing the stops I’d made during the day. I hadn’t noticed it was missing until after midnight when I was packing my messenger bag for tomorrow’s interview. I checked all the usual places in the apartment before tearing it apart. I’d never lost my wallet, never left it behind. Never.

  First stop was the QFC on Broadway. I’d used it to buy the week’s groceries, but the store manager couldn’t find a wallet in the lost and found. It still could have walked off with someone, but on to the next location.

  The coffeehouse was still open. I dashed inside to look over the area where I’d conducted my first of two interviews this morning. I hadn’t planned on conducting two today, but the straight couple needed to change their scheduled date. After hearing their story, I was glad I sat through two today. They’d spent time on opposing professional bicycle racing teams and somehow fell in love, despite their main riders absolutely hating each other to the point of minor sabotage efforts. They decided to ditch the competitive teams when one of those incidents produced serious road rash on a team rider. Retiring to a simpler life, they ran a small bicycle shop nearby.

  After no luck at Tully’s, I drove past the fast casual restaurant where I’d grabbed dinner. Closed. I’d have to check tomorrow if it wasn’t at Lane’s bar. I wanted to curse myself for the habit of paying with the business credit card and putting it in my pocket rather than into my wallet after every purchase. If not for that, I could be certain the wallet was at Lane’s because I’d used the credit card there. Since it was still in my pocket, I was stuck checking all the spots from earlier today.

  My eyes caught on the dash clock readout. At this hour, the bar would be closed, but my hands kept steering toward it. All the storefronts on the street were dark. Great. I’d have to wait until tomorrow to see if I’d left the wallet there. At least I still had two options to check tomorrow before I went through the hassle of cancelling my personal credit cards and applying for a replacement driver’s license.

  I was about to turn onto 12th to shoot down to Madison, when I spotted two women walking away from me. The streetlights were just bright enough for me to recognize Iris’s stride. Pulling up next to them, I rolled the window down. “Hey, you two.”

  Lane whirled toward the street, face pale and tight. Iris must have been aware of my car creeping up on them based on her calm reaction. She gave a casual wave. “What are you doing trolling the streets at this hour?”

  “I’ll consider you my personal heroes if you’ll let me back into the bar for a second. Please, pretty, please?”

  Lane smiled, a full genuine smile that also seemed relieved. Not being a former police officer, she’d reacted as most people would when someone yells at her in the dark of night. “In desperate need of a pint?”

  If only. “I think I might have left my wallet earlier.”

  She pointed toward the bar’s parking lot. I reversed course and pulled in as they caught up to me and let me into the bar.

  “Thanks so much. I’m sorry to hold you up, but I panicked when I didn’t see it in my bag.” I headed straight for the table I’d been sitting at. My hands searched the vacant chairs. I dipped down to look under the tabletop, like somehow it would be glued to the bottom of the table when it wasn’t on the floor. I traced a path up to the bar, my eyes tracking every inch of the floor.

  “I hate when I can’t find mine,” Lane admitted and went behind the bar. She ducked into the office and surfaced with a basket. In the next second her hand came up, grasping something small and brown and leathery with a zipper on top.

  “Oh, thank you, thank you. You’re definitely my hero.” I reached for my wallet.

  She whipped it back out of reach with a huge grin. “I don’t know, Iris. What do you think? Should we look inside just to verify? The servers tend to chuck things into the office for someone else to deal with them.”

  “Verification would only be right,” Iris double-teamed me.

  “Funny.” I made another swipe at the wallet. If not for the bar top between us, I would have been able to outreach her shorter stature.

  “Anyone who leaves such a precious thing behind, we should really make sure it’s yours. What if it’s someone else’s?”

  Their teasing barely registered as the adrenaline from possibly losing my wallet started to drain. Irritation took its place at not being called when one of the servers found the wallet. They all knew I was Lane’s friend. Tell her and let her call me. How hard was that? A simple peek inside and word to Lane wouldn’t have been a lot of effort. “I swear I didn’t leave it behind. I don’t know how it got out of my bag. I’ve never lost a wallet before.”

  Iris smirked again. “Didn’t I see Greer stop by your table after you finished interviewing your couple of the night?”

  My eyes shifted between the two friends. “Yeah, what’s that got to do with it?” She wasn’t still pushing the “type” thing again, was she?

  “Still fending off her efforts?” Lane took up the questioning. She’d never mentioned noticing how Greer always made a point of greeting me whenever we were in the bar together.

  “I’m not fending off—what are you two up to?” My finger waved between them.

  “If she doesn’t get anywhere with you in person, she sometimes employs other methods,” Lane said with a twitch of her lips.

  “Is your phone password protected?” Iris asked. At my nod, she said, “Then your wallet might have some old school photos she’d like to see. Check to make sure you’re really available since you aren’t falling at her feet when she bats her eyes at you.”

  My head snapped back, eyes blinking in a daze. “She lifted my wallet to look at photos?”

  “That and any other info that might be in there. In case of emergency contact, how many credit cards you have, cash you carry. It says a lot about a person.” Iris tossed out these points as if we weren’t talking about someone who committed a crime for absolutely no feasible reason.

  Lane handed over the wallet, and I combed through it. Nothing looked different, except the current school picture I kept of my nephew was peeking out of its slot. All the cash was there. No, they had to be teasing.

  “You’re kidding, right?” They had to be because no one would be that stupid. Greer and I didn’t even know each other. Stealing my wallet wouldn’t do anything but tick me off. She had to know that.

  “It’s not the first time a wallet or phone has ended up in the lost and found after she’s been in the bar.” Lane flicked a questioning gaze at Iris when she noticed my bewilderment.

  “Who turned it in?”

  “One of her friends, as usual.”

  “That can’t be right.” I glanced at the former cop to see how she was reacting. Since nothing was stolen, it wasn’t that big a deal. Disturbing, but not that big of a deal.

  “Not to throw a wrench into your possible plans with her, but she gets a little clingy,” Iris said.

  “Stalker potential,” Lane confirmed.

  “Wasn’t planning anything with her, and now, most definitely not.” I waved the wallet at Lane. “Thanks for this and for opening up the bar after you’d already left. I really appreciate it.”

  “Not a problem. We’ll walk you out.” Lane motioned toward the door.

  I repaid Lane’s kindness by giving them a ride home. Both got out at her apartment building where Iris had left her car earlier in the day. Back on the road, it was another four blocks into the drive before I remembered that Iris had left the bar with someone earlier in the evening. Riley’s buddy Devon made a comment about Iris’s seductive prowess when she left. I wouldn’t h
ave made note of it, otherwise.

  So, if she’d left with a conquest earlier, what the hell was she doing back after closing to leave with Lane?

  18 |

  Almost done with my workout, Iris came into the gym to join me. Seeing her sent a calming ripple through me. Last night’s mad dash around town kept the adrenaline pumping well into the night, and I’d barely gotten any sleep.

  “Hey, Vega,” Iris greeted, taking up the treadmill next to me. Within seconds she stepped into a dizzying pace, putting my elliptical glide to shame.

  “Morning. What have you got planned for today?”

  “Fourth day on a ride along.” She must have seen my confused look. I’d made a trip over to Spokane for part of last week, so I hadn’t heard about her latest job. “A beverage company thinks one of their drivers is taking kickbacks from their clients. I’m their new trainee, riding along with every driver.”

  Having taken a few odd assignments over my lifetime, I knew what it was to enmesh myself in my subject’s life. Willfully working as a beverage delivery trainee until I caught someone taking a payoff would have pushed my patience to the limit. “That’ll take a while, won’t it?”

  “You’d think, but these guys don’t think what they’re doing can be seen, or they think I’m an idiot female who doesn’t understand numbers or something.”

  “You’ve already seen evidence of it?”

  She shot me a confident look. “Two of the three drivers I’ve ridden with, yeah.”

  “That’s amazing. I can’t believe it takes hiring a PI to get this info.”

  “Not to discourage anyone from paying my fees, but it doesn’t. They could have had their interns ride along. That’s how blatant the two drivers were.”

  “They thought it was only one driver?”

  “They did,” she confirmed and annoyingly ramped up her pace on the treadmill. Her well-defined arms swung with each stride, prompting me to apply more pressure to the elliptical handles for extra resistance. I wanted her arms and the chef lady’s calves. My arms and calves looked and worked just fine, but it was good to strive for something. Iris’s arms and Helen’s calves.

  “So why the extra days?”

  “They want me to ride with all the drivers now.”

  My head tilted in admiration. “Nice job.”

  “Thanks. It’s been hard work unloading all the beverage trays and stacking them in fridges. I definitely wouldn’t want it as a real job.” She acknowledged my confirming nod. “What about you? Writing or interviewing today?”

  “I did some writing this morning. Helen invited me to go kayaking with her and her husband this afternoon. I was going to see if you wanted to join, but you’ve got beverages to haul and idiots to entrap.”

  “Not entrapping them.” She laughed at my wording. “Helen? The chef?”

  “I met her the next day when she came back to the bar. We chatted some, and I got her to agree to an interview with her husband that night. I like them, and they’ve got irregular hours.”

  “Flexible-hours friends are hard to come by. It’s why you like me so much.”

  “Who said I liked you?”

  Her arm came out and shoved me almost hard enough to topple me off the elliptical. She, on the other hand, kept up the annoying Olympic pace on the treadmill.

  “Speaking of liking you,” I started, a tease in my voice. “Did I see you leave with some cute brunette last night? Can’t remember what Devon said her name was.”

  Iris glanced over, a curious expression on her face. “Did you?”

  Even more curious. We hadn’t discussed her bar exploits before, but since she’d teased me about Greer, I thought I could touch on the same territory with her. “I’m pretty sure I did. I don’t think I’ve met her, but I’ve seen her before.”

  “And you think she’s cute?”

  Wait, what? What was going on here? “I thought she was attractive. Not for me, I was just complimenting you.”

  “Ah.” Iris pushed buttons on the console and went into a warm down. I still had five minutes left on my hour of elliptical training. Iris tended to move from machine to machine for the hour.

  “So?”

  “What?”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  “You’re going to make me ask?”

  “Ask what?”

  I growled and slammed the buttons harder than necessary to end my session and step off. “You leave with this cute brunette, but a few hours later, you’re back at the bar and walking out with Lane.”

  All traces of the smile left her face. She jumped onto the sideboards of the treadmill and stopped the machine. “What are you implying?”

  Her sharp tone surprised me. My hands came up. “Hey, nothing. I just—”

  “You think I have something going with Lane?”

  “No.” Although I had the first time I met them. Not sure why the idea would be so offensive to her, though.

  “That I’m taking advantage of women at the bar?”

  I took a step closer to her and felt my stomach sink when she stepped off the treadmill and away from me. “No, Iris. No. I don’t think you’re taking advantage of anyone.”

  “So why’d you bring it up?” She pulled at the neck of her t-shirt, annoyed. “I know what people in there say about me.”

  Crap. She knew that her so-called friends thought she was a player. “It’s not,” I cut myself off. “I don’t think anything of you. I’m not judging you. Judgment-free zone.” My hand waved between us. “I didn’t know it was a hot button issue for you. I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up again.”

  Feeling about an inch tall, I turned and made my way to the door. I’d never seen her react this way before. That easy, no-limits friendship we were developing just ran into the invisible fence of a big fat limitation.

  “Vega, wait.” Her hand gripped my arm to stop my retreat. “I’m sorry. I overreacted.”

  I turned and saw the pleading look in her eyes. “No big deal. Really.” Only it kinda was. I hated angering my friends. “I picked the wrong way to tease you. Didn’t realize the sensitivity. Forget it.”

  “No, I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have bitten your head off.” Her eyes pleaded with me. “I just get that from a lot of people at the bar, and I thought it would be…”

  “Different with me?” Now I felt even smaller. It seemed to be her one and only issue, and I’d stomped all over it. “I shouldn’t have tried to tease you about striking out. It was stupid of me.”

  Her hand tightened on my arm. “Striking out?”

  “Yeah, I know. Asshole me. I’m sorry.” I placed my hand over hers. “I do want to be different, Iris. I’m genuine about that wish.”

  She turned her hand up to squeeze mine. “You are. I thought you were going to say something else, and I jumped down your throat before you could. Can we forget this conversation ever took place?”

  I wouldn’t because I definitely wouldn’t be teasing her about leaving the bar with anyone. Ever again. Never ever. But I could try to forget how my stomach knotted up to the point of wanting to puke from causing her mistrust of me. “Only if you can. You’re becoming very important to me, Iris. I don’t want to do or say anything to make you uncomfortable. I might bungle things a bit, but understand that I have the best intentions.”

  “I know, and I forgot that for a minute. I feel the same way.”

  “Good. Then, I better go get ready for my kayaking adventure. I’ll be thinking of you riding around stacking energy drinks and taking bribes while I’m relaxing on the water.”

  She laughed, and right then, nothing sounded better.

  19 | Helen & Joe

  Water slapped against my kayak as I pulled my paddle through Lake Union. We’d dropped in across the street from Joe’s kayak shop. At first, it was difficult to battle for space among an entire lake filled with sailboats on this gorgeous afternoon. After an hour, I was getting the hang of it and enjoying myself and the company im
mensely.

  “You ready to head back?” Helen asked as she smoothly slid up next to me. She and Joe both maneuvered their kayaks as if they’d been born in them.

  I wasn’t ready. I wanted to stay out on the peaceful water, stroking through the sometimes rippling, sometimes calm lake. After three or four thousand more times, I might be as good at it as they were.

  “You’re arms and shoulders will be killing you tomorrow if we stay out any longer today.” Joe glided up on my other side. “It’s not a normal motion for most people. You have to build up to a longer stay on the water. Trust me on this.”

  Since he built, sold, and rented kayaks for a living, I had to assume he knew what he was talking about. My arms and shoulders felt fine right now, but other than playing tennis, using the occasional weight machine, and typing, I didn’t use my arms for anything else too strenuous.

  We made our way back to the launch clearing and hauled our kayaks out of the water. I’d managed to stay fairly dry but had worn my one pair of outdoorsy, nylon blend pants in case I got soaked. Based on all the other activities Helen and Joe offered to introduce me to, I knew I’d be ordering more of these quick drying clothes.

  “Hope you’re hungry,” Helen said as we loaded my kayak onto the rental rack and walked their custom jobs to the back of Joe’s shop.

  “I am and looking forward to dinner with a chef.” I turned to Joe as he locked his shop. “Or does she make you cook at home since that’s her job?”

  He grinned, showing a ridge of teeth with prominent canines. “We share if we’re not eating at the restaurant.”

  Sounds nice. Really nice. A true partnership. Rare from everything I’d experienced and, after all these interviews, heard about. I wondered if it had to do with the fact that they’d both waited until their late thirties to get married, and therefore, knew what they wanted and needed to make for a good life together. It could also be that they matched up well with the same muscle tone, each sporting different wash-and-go hairstyles, and healthy tans that indicated how much they liked to spend their free time outdoors.