Clichéd Love: A Satirical Romance

by Lynn Galli

  Alice pinched her lips together and looked away. Yeah, even twenty years later she still knew it wasn’t kosher to have gone for a grad student when she was a professor. The only thing that probably saved her career with the college was that he wasn’t in her department or taking any classes from her.

  “It did. She’s the smartest person I know. I could listen to her for days,” he said proudly.

  “Years,” I said. “Twenty-one to be exact.”

  They laughed and she slipped an arm onto the back of his chair. “We’ve been lucky.”

  Took a lot more than luck to overcome a huge age difference, working for the same employer, and having their colleagues all know that they’d had what most would consider an inappropriate affair at the start.

  I asked some follow-up questions and wrapped it up. Rather than high tail it out of the mostly gay bar, they went over to the dance floor. They stood watching for a moment before joining in. From what I could see, they were the only straight couple on the floor and didn’t seem self-conscious about it.

  A hand landed on my back. Gently, so I knew it wasn’t Riley. No goosebumps, so I knew it wasn’t Iris. Lane took the seat next to me. “Interesting couple.”

  “They were. Don’t really get the age chasm thing, but it works on them.” I faced her and caught fatigue in her eyes. “Can you take a break?”

  She glanced back at the bar and saw that Derrick had things in hand. “Good idea. How’ve you been? Did the trip go okay?”

  “Got four more interviews than I expected. Didn’t realize Boise had such an impressive gay population.”

  “I’ve heard that. Only been there once.”

  “How’ve you been, and don’t tell me about the bar. How have you been?”

  Skin crinkled at the corners of her brown eyes. “Better.”

  “Do you want to tell me about the ex visiting?”

  “Iris hasn’t told you?”

  My stomach knotted at hearing her name. I’d stayed home, writing up the rest of my interviews over the past two days so I wouldn’t get caught out like I had been on Tuesday. Thursday brought rain again, giving me yet another reprieve from having to face Iris and the hurt I’d seen on her face and the hurt I’d felt. I needed to get out tonight, though.

  “We didn’t get a chance to talk, no. I’d rather hear it from you.”

  Her lips pressed into a line. “She just walked in like we’d seen each other only last week.”

  “Instead of how many months?”

  “Seven.” She glanced at me, checking my reaction. When I didn’t say anything, that barely-there smile widened. “She’s decided she wants to talk. Maybe try again.”

  The brashness of some women. I’d had ex-girlfriends call months later to see how I was doing. Almost always, they were trying to find out if I’d be open to getting back together. I never was. Only one of the relationships had lasted more than two years. Lane had been with this woman six. They’d lived together, considered themselves partners, not just girlfriends.

  “It was so unexpected.” Her hands went to check that the ever-present bun was still secured at the back of her head.

  “Freeze, scream, run, hit something, or tell her off?”

  Confusion creased her brow. “What?”

  “When something’s unexpected, those are my usual go-to reactions.”

  She gave a single nod. “You don’t strike me as a screamer.”

  I shoved at her shoulder. “Shut up.”

  “I wanted to hit something or tell her off, maybe even run, but I guess I froze. She didn’t care that the bar was busy. Just expected me to drop everything and want to talk to her.” Lane waited, thinking I’d ask her something. I was pretty sure this was her bartender training. Let the patrons do the talking. “I told her that it wasn’t a good time. She ignored that, like she ignored a lot when we were together. I had to text Iris. I couldn’t even confront her without my best friend backing me up. How pathetic is that?”

  I laid my hand on her back and swept it up to grip her shoulder. “Nothing about that is pathetic. We all need support. An ex showing up out of the blue is always shocking. An extremely selfish ex who thinks the world revolves around her and doesn’t take a hint or your wishes into account? Anyone would need reinforcements, and Iris is the best kind.”

  Even if Iris had to halt what would have been another round of amazing sex to be here for her friend.

  “The best kind of what?” Iris’s unexpected voice made us jump.

  “Support,” Lane said, reaching back to grip her hand and pull her into a chair at the table.

  Iris shifted her gaze from me to Lane and back. She looked amazing as usual. Slacks and a shirt that caressed her torso. I tried not to remember how that torso felt under my hands and mouth. We were better as friends. Even if she hadn’t slept with the spiky heels lady, at some point, she’d sleep with someone she took home from the bar. She wouldn’t be a celibate nerd, pounding away at work for the next ten months, which was my usual after ending a sexual relationship. “Thanks. Are we talking about the bitch?”

  Lane gave a tiny shake of her head but didn’t protest much more. “I was telling Vega how I needed you to come to my rescue.”

  Iris’s eyes shot to mine, probably remembering exactly the moment those texts and calls came in. Regret showed in her expression. Regret at having to leave or regret at having taken that step that now put us in this temporary holding pattern, not sure which. “She shouldn’t have come in here. She couldn’t just be a normal bitch ex and drunk dial. No, she had to demand face time in your place of work and completely ignore what you wanted.”

  “Did you toss her out?” I joked, but her expression told me it wasn’t out of the realm of possible reactions.

  “Wanted to,” Iris muttered and Lane jabbed her. “She doesn’t like me much, so it didn’t take a lot of persuading to get her to leave once I got here.”

  “Thankfully.” Lane let out a sigh.

  “Won’t she just come back when she thinks Iris is gone?”

  “I told her I didn’t want to talk to her.” Lane made it sound like that would be enough.

  “But now you own this bar and have a nice place to live.” I figured that was at least part of the reason the woman showed up now rather than a couple months after she’d walked out.

  “You are irresistible, darlin’,” Iris teased and got another shove from her friend.

  “Maybe now that you know this can happen, you’ll be better prepared for her next drop by,” I suggested. Or she could get prepared because there was no way a woman like that wouldn’t attempt to regain a more successful Lane.

  “Most of the time, I like people dropping by,” Lane told us. “Not so much that time. If it happens again, I can handle it.”

  Iris gripped her other shoulder. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

  They shared an affectionate glance. Their close relationship, how good of friends they were to each other, made Iris even more attractive. I really didn’t need more things to make her attractive.

  42 |

  Helen and Joe looked like they’d only walked a block rather than the bike race they’d incited up from our building to Lane’s bar. Three miles of all out racing. Mostly uphill. Way too intense for me. When they’d invited me on the ride, I thought it would be like our kayaking trips, leisurely and enjoyable. They apparently took bike riding seriously. Their vacation pictures should have been the biggest clue. Every one of them showed the couple decked out in biking gear and riding steep mountains in beautiful places.

  Lane bit her lip when she saw us walk up to the bar. Helen and Joe were chatting and laughing like we’d just walked over from the parking lot where we’d left a car. I wasn’t chatting or laughing and barely walking. She slid a glass of water across the counter to me and asked what Helen and Joe were having. They turned their gazes on me when I downed the water in five seconds.

  “You okay, Vega?” Joe asked, surprise evident on his face.


  “If you were trying to kill me, there are easier ways.”

  “You ride all the time,” Helen reasoned while fighting a smile.

  “I ride, at a normal pace. Nobody is chasing me, and my job doesn’t depend on dropping off a package before the office closes. We could have taken an extra, I don’t know, ten minutes to get here.”

  They laughed. At me. Not with me. They were laughing at the fact that I considered a bike ride to be leisurely fun, not a race to win. Laughing about how I looked like I’d been working all day on my cousin’s ranch, hauling heavy ranch things, rather than having just ridden only three miles. Uphill at a breakneck pace.

  “Who are we laughing at?” Iris’s voice sounded from behind me. For the first time in a week, it didn’t make me jump. I was slowly getting back to thinking only of friendship whenever we got together.

  They all pointed at me as I turned and shook my head in exasperation. “They’re trying to kill me.”

  Her eyes flicked over them and back to me. In an unconcerned tone she said, “Somebody should call a cop.”

  Now they were back to laughing at me. I shoved the water glass across the bar top and pointedly looked at it. Lane took the hint for a refill.

  “Be that way. I’m taking my delightful company away from you,” I grumbled. “I came up here to share my good news, and you all couldn’t care less.”

  Lane collected herself first, followed by Joe. Iris and Helen were still chuckling but looked interested and gestured for me to continue.

  I waited, feeling a little huffy that they all found something so damn funny about me. But the news was too good not to share with my friends. “I emailed my book proposal to four publishers last week, and all four want it.”

  “Vega!” Helen cried in excitement. Her arms came around me for a hug that turned into a bit of a jumping dance.

  Joe patted my shoulder and offered congratulations in between our hopping and hugging. Lane grabbed hold of me after Helen let go. No hopping, just a quick congratulatory hug. I glanced at Iris and saw a mixture of relief and happiness. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. Suddenly everything felt so much better. Forget Helen and Joe trying to kill me with exertion, forget everyone finding my lack of a killer instinct hysterical, forget that I’d hurt her feelings and she mine; she was happy for my success that would allow me to stay on indefinitely here. And she felt so damn good.

  “I’m proud of you, Vega,” Iris whispered in my ear.

  My insides wriggled at the compliment. It meant so much. Tempered all the anxiety I felt about our relationship and erased the missteps.

  “Do you know which one you’re going with?” Joe asked.

  I reluctantly let go of Iris to answer. They’d probably think it was weird if I kept my arms permanently around her. “I’m meeting with a lawyer who specializes in publishing tomorrow. We’ll comb through the contracts and do some negotiations. They’re all good offers, so I’m pretty jazzed.”

  “So are we.” Iris settled an arm around my waist. Maybe she didn’t want to let go of me either. “We should all celebrate. Lane? H & J? You’re all off Monday night. Let’s let someone else make you dinner and drinks.”

  “Sounds great,” Joe agreed. “I might even slow down on our next leg of biking. Just for you, Vega.”

  I held up my hands and waved him off. “No thanks. I’m off the ride as of now. You go on, do your speed trials racing, and I’ll make my slow-ass way home after I’ve recovered here.”

  They laughed again, but it felt good this time. I coaxed Iris, Helen, and Joe into a game of pool before the bike athletes left to continue their ride. Iris got a phone call as I was racking up another game, so Riley joined me from the other table where she was waiting for her usual crew to arrive. Three games later, I went back downstairs.

  “Anything up?” I asked Iris, wondering why she hadn’t come back upstairs.

  “My mom’s plane is a little early. I have to leave in ten minutes.”

  Oh, right, her mom was in for a visit this weekend. They invited Lane and me to brunch on Saturday, so I could meet her. Or she could meet me. Apparently, she was a big fan of my articles. I was looking forward to it.

  I glanced out the window and saw that the weather had turned dark. Thunder rumbled, and a crack of lightening followed. I checked my watch and saw that it was more than an hour since Helen and Joe had left. Hopefully they made it through the rest of their ride and back home before this rain started. Didn’t help me much, but I could wait it out.

  “Don’t try to ride in this,” Iris said, then looked sheepish. “Please.”

  My heart thumped at her caring request. “I’ll wait it out.”

  She checked the weather app on her phone and gave me a bleak look. “Looks like it won’t be stopping for a while. I might be able to run you home before I need to be at the airport.” Her eyes moved up to the left as she calculated the travel times in her head.

  “Don’t worry about it. Go pick up your mom. I’ll wait this out.”

  “Wait what out?” a voice from my right asked.

  I turned to find Cyrah watching us. Our semi-date had gone okay. We didn’t really hit it off, but she was nice enough. Neither of us had rushed to ask for a second date. I was fine with that arrangement. In a few weeks, I might suggest she sit with me at the bar so we could get to know each other as friends. We’d never date again, not after the feelings Iris had pulled from me. I wouldn’t be content in a relationship of shared interests any longer. Not now that I knew what real passion felt like. I’d wait for that, too.

  “The rain. It was so beautiful when we started our bike ride this afternoon.”

  “You guys on bikes?”

  “Just me,” I responded. “I was with two others that are serious riders. Told them to ditch me, only now I’ve stayed an hour too long, and I’m stuck unless I want to ride home in the rain.”

  “I can run you home,” she offered. “You’re not too far out of my way. Your bike won’t fit, but you can chain it up here.”

  I was conflicted. I usually didn’t like to take favors from acquaintances, even if we would become friends eventually. Favors were a big deal for me. Then again, riding home in this thunderstorm didn’t appeal either. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?”

  “Not at all. You can invite me in for coffee so I can finally see Austy’s old pad. She never let anyone inside when she lived here. I was always curious.”

  I remembered Helen mentioning that name. She’d been the original owner of my unit until she moved and it became a go-to vacation spot. I wasn’t crazy about the idea of inviting Cyrah into my place, but coffee was a polite response for the favor.

  “You can leave your bike in the back hallway here,” Lane offered, her eyes moving to me from being on Iris. If they’d shared another silent conversation, I chose to ignore it. I still believed Iris wouldn’t have told Lane about us, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

  “Thanks. That’s nice of you.”

  “You ready?” Cyrah asked, eagerness livening her expression. She must really want to see the place.

  “Sure, just let me walk the bike to the back.” I gave her a nod.

  “I’m parked in the lot. A white BMW.” She tipped her head at Iris and Lane and left.

  “Guess I don’t have to wait it out,” I said. “You’ll text the address of the brunch place?” I asked Iris and got a nod. “Okay, see you both then. Thanks again for letting me leave the bike.”

  “Wouldn’t want something else to try to kill you on your way home.” Lane’s deadpan was in full effect.

  I chuckled and waved on my way out. At least I’d avoid a miserable trip home, even if I’d pay for it by having to play host for a half hour.

  43 |

  It took two trips past her house before I got up the nerve to park on the street and approach her front door. We were going to be playing tennis later. I could have just waited. I probably should have waited, but I needed to know.


  The epiphany had taken me by surprise this morning while waiting for my coffee order to come up. Nothing in particular happened to spark this realization of mine. No one said anything to me or around me. No emails or texts or headlines gave me the idea. I was simply taking a coffeehouse break after finishing another article that morning. Standing off to the side of the counter, I watched patrons add multiple extras to their already complicated coffee mixtures and waited for the guy to pour my small black coffee, then call some version of my name. It was only four letters, shouldn’t be too hard to master. Yet the number of times someone pronounced it with a long “e” tripled the times people got it right. Vegas, Vega, drop the “s,” not that difficult. Anyway, it happened as I was reaching for the coffee. The thought, realization, epiphany, whatever profound woo-woo crap people called it. At that moment, I just knew. Well, I didn’t know, which was why I was here to check. But I was certain I was right. And if I was, I was the biggest idiot alive.

  Iris gave me a surprised look when she answered her door. “Don’t cancel. We’ve got to take advantage of the good weather before fall really hits.”

  “Are you Ferdinand?” I asked, forgoing any trivial greeting because trivial greetings shouldn’t stand in the way of woo-woo epiphanies. “The bull?”

  She squinted at me, her head tilting, confusion wiping away the surprised look. “I’m Iris, but you know that. You even met my mother, who confirmed my identity.”

  I had and enjoyed meeting her mom quite a lot. Retired now, her mother was able to sneak off for these mother-daughter visits while her dad got the house to himself and refused to retire from the consulting business he owned and loved. Iris got to see him a couple times a year when they both visited, but she really enjoyed the solo time with her mom. “I liked your mom. Now answer my question.”

  She reached out and dragged me inside. It felt more and more like home every time I crossed the threshold. So comfortable and fitting. “Am I a bull?”

  “Ferdinand, to be exact. Do you know the book?”

  She took a seat on her couch and patted the space next to her. “The kids’ story about a bull who’d rather sit under his cork tree and smell flowers than fight in a bull ring?”