Lost in Translation

by Charlie Croker

  Note left for an English visitor who had taken his Dutch hosts their favourite products, including loose tobacco:

  Dear Pete, Thank you for the chocolate, the coffee and the shag.

  Business letter sent out when Götabanken changed its name to Gota Bank:

  Dear friends, we are the same guys as before, although we have lost our pricks.

  Japanese graffiti:

  FACK YOU MAN

  Advertisement in Angling Times (UK magazine):

  Executioner Pole, 13m, unused, used twice.

  Covering letter with application submitted to London employment agency:

  I am an Italian boy, me they are as soon as graduated in Banking Economy at University of Siena and it would appeal to a lot to make experience to me in England. They are one dynamics person, of sociable open nature and; I pursue mine objects to you with decision, they attract the challenges very to me and I face every experience with the maximum engagement. I wish to improve itself continuously is from the human point of view that professional increasing in such a way my baggage of acquaintance and experience. I have numerous interests between which sport and music.

  More CV mishaps:

  My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

  Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

  Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

  I am a rabid typist.

  Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

  Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

  I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

  I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

  Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

  Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

  Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

  Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

  Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

  Let’s meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

  You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

  I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

  I am loyal to my employer at all costs.

  Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

  The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

  Finished eighth in my class of ten.

  And from a covering letter:

  Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

  Slogan on mugs produced by Warwickshire County Cricket Club, who wanted to bill their star bowler ‘King of Spin’:

  Ashley Giles – King of Spain.

  From an eBay advertisement for a Chinese stamp album:

  Contains stamps on more than 30 different subjects, which are listed chronically in 20+ well printed thick pages.

  Fraudulent e-mail, purporting to be from Barclays Bank:

  Technical services of the Barclays are upgrading the software. Our new security system will help you to avoid frequently transactions and to keep your investments in safety. Due to technical update we ask you to confirm your online banking membership details.

  Spam e-mail:

  Your girl is unsatisfied with your pottency? Don’t wait until she finds another men! Click here to choose from a great variety of licensed love tabs! Best prises, fast shipping and guaranteed effect! Here you buy it right from warehouse!

  And finally . . .

  Name of the author of this book, as listed on a Japanese website in the run-up to publication:

  Charlie Crocker.