After that first night, we were inseparable. Ryder eventually left once he graduated; he’d done a short agricultural program at a college close by. But he came home to see me every chance he got, and spent hundreds of dollars on long phone conversations that had lasted well into the night.
He was back in my life full time by my senior year, and everybody assumed we'd be married, take over his family ranch, and start having babies the moment school was finished.
Only I knew the whole time that I needed more, I needed to explore, to get out of town. It seemed no matter how many times I told Ryder about my plans, they just never seemed to sink in.
It wasn't until my last semester of high school that it started to hit him that I really wanted to leave. He'd always been an introspective, serious sort, his only really bold gesture being the day he asked me out, but he began to withdraw into himself the closer we got to saying goodbye.
I felt horrible about my decision to leave, but the desire to get out of the confines of my small town had proven to be stronger than my desire for him.
I’d felt broken back then, as if there was something wrong with me. As if I thought I was too good for the best man I’d ever known.
That hadn’t been it at all, but the weight of that guilt had gotten to me and had left me feeling awful about it ever since.
I sighed heavily and stretched out on the bed. Remembering Ryder always caused a jumble of emotions and conflicted feelings. My parents went to bed an hour or so before and the house was silent.
My ears were accustomed to the background hum of the city and out here on the farm I was amazed at how free my mind was to conjure up the past.
The last night I'd seen Ryder was about a week after my prom. We'd felt so grown up getting a hotel room in a town almost an hour away. We’d gone for a "fancy" dinner at a cheap Italian place, snuck a bottle of wine to our room and settled in for the night.
I couldn’t help myself, I began to throb lightly just thinking about the indulgent hours of sex we’d had. Ryder was excellent in bed, even for such a young man, he had always been enthusiastic and playful. That memory had stuck with me for all these years.
My hand travelled down my body as I thought about how long and thick his cock had been, regretting that I hadn't found anyone who filled me up so completely since Ryder. It had been his girth, but I had to admit, there was something about being that in love that made it all so much more enjoyable.
God, he had been a fun lover. Part of me wondered what I was thinking when I ran away, why couldn’t that have been enough for me? Ryder and I could be settled down with a family of our own on his parents’ ranch if I hadn’t been so damned flighty.
I couldn’t help it; the stress of my rush from the city and the boredom of being trapped in the country meant I needed a release.
Memories of Ryder’s thick cock weren’t helping any either, I was hot and ready for something. All I had was myself though, it would have to do.
I closed my eyes and slipped my hand into my panties and started massaging my cleft as I got warmer and wetter thinking about how Ryder had lifted me into his strong arms and laid me gently on the bed that last night.
He’d leaned down to cover my mouth with his; kissing me deeply as he softly stroked my hair. It wasn’t my first time, but Ryder had been my first lover, my first love.
I remembered trembling as he slowly undressed me, running his tongue over every part of my body, worshipping me. I loved being his, loved his adoration, but had also felt suffocated by it, stifled by the expectation that I would end up as his little wife. I’d always wanted his sex, and his love, but not his life commitment, and I didn’t know how to separate them back then.
If only he had been like every other guy my friends had dated, self-centered and oriented on their own pleasure, I might not have had to break his heart like I did. I might not have had to sneak away without telling him when I was leaving.
I sighed and set my mind back to the task at hand. I hadn’t been with anyone for at least two months and honestly I felt like I was going to explode. I settled back into the past and returned to my favorite fantasy, the one I always used when I needed to get off quickly. I hated to admit it, but I’d even used Ryder many many times when I was with Andrew.
I remembered Ryder slowly teasing my pussy with the head of his dick, sliding it just inside, settling it on my clit, slowly rubbing me until I was gasping for him to ram it inside me and fuck me hard and dirty.
He had done just that, pounding into me mercilessly until I was a quivering, soaking wet mess. He had slowed his pace then, gently coaxing me to another orgasm, one shared with him, looking directly into his eyes as I’d declared my love for him and he for me. That had been the last time I’d been with him; my raw emotions had frightened me, making me feel unsettled and off course.
I packed up my little car just two days later and snuck off without ever saying goodbye. Ryder haunted my thoughts ever since, he’d always been the one who’d gotten away. Now that I was back and recovering from betrayed trust, I couldn’t help but think about the possibilities.
I shook my head again and concentrated on my throbbing heat, the feelings of the moment. I slid my finger up and down against my clit, rubbing it lightly, swirling my fingertip around the sensitive spot hidden inside. I remembered how amazing Ryder had been at going down on me. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined his soft tongue licking and lapping at my pussy, I could almost feel my hand holding the back of his head, curling my fingers in his hair as I pulled him close.
My finger moved faster and harder, almost flicking my clit as I grew closer to release. If Ryder were here with me I would have my long legs draped over his shoulders, holding him in place with a tight grip as I got closer to climax.
I slipped my finger inside of myself quickly, drawing more juice onto my clit as I was about to come. I threw my head back, my body tensed and quivered as time slowed and I became liquid, gasping for breath.
I shuddered and I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out. With one last satisfied shudder, I was done, spent, relaxed and warm. I pulled my panties back up and fell asleep with a smile on my face.
Ryder
Lee texted me about an hour ago and completely turned my world upside down.
Alex was back in town.
My Alex.
I was shoulder deep in a distressed Angus when I’d felt my phone vibrate in my front pocket. I ignored it, focusing on grabbing the calf and hooking the calving chains to his stubborn little legs. I slid my hand out, grabbed the end of the chain, and pulled hard, my back and arms straining with the effort.
Calving season was busy for any veterinarian, but being popular in a small town meant I was run off my feet this time of year.
“Hold her still, Mr. Davis,” I told the cow’s owner, “this is the tricky part.”
With a wet suction sound, the calf dropped out and I caught it, gently laying it down on the straw of the barn floor. I cleared its mouth of mucus with my finger, and the wet little animal sneezed and shook its head. It was a deep red color, like the mother, another bull for the Davis’ prized Red Angus herd. Within moments the calf was up and butting the cow’s teats, sucking necessary colostrum. I stripped the gloves off and started packing up my equipment.
“I think you’ve got one healthy little bull here Mr. Davis,” I said as I closed my pack full of veterinary tools and medicines.
“Oh thank goodness, thank you Dr. Harris! I can’t wait to tell my wife,” the older man said, shaking my hand. “This is one of her favorite cows, but every year we seem to have the same problem.”
“No problem, you know I love what I do. There’s something special about seeing one of these little guys fresh on the ground. I’ll get the girls at the office to send you the invoice.” I tipped his hat and headed out the barn door.
It wasn’t until I was pulling out of the Davis place that I remembered the buzzing phone. I pulled over a mile or so up the road and stopped the t
ruck. I knew the Miller’s mare was about to foal any day and they were close to here. If I was needed, it would save me a trip back to my veterinary clinic.
I slid the bar on my phone and read Lee’s message.
Ryder! FYI just ran into Alex, she’s back in town.
And just like that I went from being respected Dr. Harris, trusted town veterinarian, to being awkward Ryder, the tall, gangly teenager who had lusted after Alex for months before getting up the nerve to ask her out.
My jaw twitched as nerves took over and I clenched my teeth. I had sworn years ago that I’d never forgive her for the heartbreak she caused me, but how would I feel seeing her again?
If she was back in town, what did this mean? Was she back for good? Was she here with her boyfriend?
My hands almost shook as I turned the key, started the truck and headed back to my clinic.
I sat down on my couch later that evening, scotch in hand and small shoebox in the other. It had been a long day, and I’d had difficulty concentrating after Lee’s text. Alex swam through my head continually, lust and anger clouding my focus.
I made it home later than usual, and now needed to sort through some of the feelings that had exploded inside of me after hearing from Lee.
I leaned back on the couch, took a deep breath and examined the beat up little box on my lap. It contained all my photos of Alex, of the two of us, of our life together.
I hadn’t looked at it in a while, since I’d moved into this house, in fact. I lulled myself into the belief that I was over Alex, that I wouldn’t need to constantly pine for her and dig through the photos until I felt like I was losing my mind all over again.
I had actually forgotten about it until I’d rescued it from my ex-wife’s angry grip when she discovered it one afternoon a few months back. Her red face full of rage, she threatened to burn them all. I yanked it out of her hand that day, and brought it up here, to my new house, promptly stashing the box in the back of my closet, once again convinced I didn’t need to look at them.
Until now.
It wasn’t that I didn’t know what Alex looked like these days — I regularly checked out her Facebook profile picture to see how she had changed — it’s just that these photos represented a time when I was young and in love, and completely weak.
I used them to remember Alex, to think about her lithe body writhing beneath mine, the sexy look in her eyes as I pushed her down and made her come.
I also used them to remind me of my vulnerability.
She had broken me, lured me into deep, endless love, and abandoned me without a glance back. I never wanted to be that raw and exposed again, so I had to use these photos to harden my heart against her, to never let her in.
It was bad enough that whenever I saw her new boyfriend, Andrew, in her profile pics on Facebook I had to fight the urge to smash his face in and steal back my woman.
Alex brought out what I considered my inner caveman and I didn’t like it, that lack of control. I’d managed to keep it out of my life while she was gone; I always kept complete guard of my heart.
I’d never let a woman do that to me again. I’d never lose myself like that.
I finally pulled out a small bundle of photographs showing the happy moments we’d had together. Her smiling, holding a trophy after winning some rodeo event, Alex and me on horseback, holding hands. Her lying back on a bed, panties a shocking pink against her milky white skin. Her hands were shyly over her breasts, but I knew we had been about to have sex when I’d grabbed my camera. It felt like yesterday.
I couldn’t help myself; I examined her lean body, her languid pose, her beautiful face, hair fanned out and a little smile on her lips. I never knew how insecure she had been about her slim body until I had gotten to know her intimately. I supposed most men liked a little more curve on their woman, but for me it wasn’t just her body, it was her easy smile and incredible cat-like eyes, the way she would draw me out and make me laugh.
She mesmerized me the moment I noticed her in the hallway at school, there’d always just been something about Alex that triggered a primal need deep inside of me, an animal attraction to her.
She was two years younger, but had seemed so sophisticated to me, until I’d discovered her aloof character disguised her unease with herself and the town we lived in. People thought she put on airs, and she talked non-stop about moving away and seeing the world, but I had admired her from afar. I still didn’t know why I asked her out that day, it was my one sole act of teenage bravery.
I suppose if I were being honest, I knew what inspired me. She was bending over cleaning her horse’s hoof when I’d walked by. In horny teenager fashion, I’d gotten an instant hard-on seeing her like that, I’d stepped back to compose myself and walked up to ask her to that night’s dance.
She almost didn’t say yes, I was sure she was going to turn me down when she hesitated, but she finally agreed and made me the happiest kid in town. I’d spent the afternoon being elbowed by my friends as they imagined all the ways I was going to get lucky that night. I joked right back with them, knowing the way they’d bug me if I ever admitted that I’d felt lucky just getting to spend time with her.
After the dance we’d shared our first kiss, it was my first kiss ever. I’d only known what to do from seeing movies or hearing descriptions from the guys, but luckily we’d figured it out. The first time I slipped my tongue in her mouth it sent an electric surge to the root of me. At that moment, my fate was sealed; I was in love and she would be mine.
I spent the next couple of years convincing her to stay. I’d noticed she stopped talking so much about leaving, and after what would become our final night together, I was certain she’d be mine.
The few months I’d gone away for schooling had been hard enough on both of us, and I couldn’t imagine how either of us would survive without each other.
But then she left without saying goodbye — it struck me down in a way I never thought possible. I wandered around my parents’ ranch for a few months until they’d essentially booted me out. I managed to keep my depression to myself after that, turning it inwards until I hardened my heart to the potential of ever feeling that vulnerable and destroyed again.
When I finally attended veterinary college, the pain and distance added an air of mystery to me, the tall, dark, handsome cowboy all the women wanted. I attracted attention from many women, instructors and fellow students alike.
Eventually I gained a reputation for having a distinct ‘type,’ every woman I’d conquered and left breathless and heartbroken had been short, curvy, and blonde...as if sleeping with Alex’s exact physical opposite would exorcise the demons that haunted me, would drive her from my mind.
And now she was back.
I took a long draw of my scotch, savoring the woody aroma and sharp taste, letting it swirl on my tongue before I drank it down.
I would see her eventually, but for now the thought of it made my heart race and my palms sweaty. I wouldn’t let her hurt me a second time, I swore that to myself then and there, but I would have to see her again.
Alex
First thing in the morning I heard a quiet knock on my bedroom door.
“Sweetie, did you want me to make you breakfast?” Mom asked from the other side. “I’ve got coffee on already and it wouldn’t be any trouble to whip up some pancakes.”
I rolled over, looked at the nightstand alarm clock and moaned. “Mom, are you kidding me? It’s not even six.”
“I know dear, but your father likes to be up early enough to get the chores done before he leaves for work, and I think he’d like to see you.”
“Ok Mom, just give me a few minutes to freshen up and I’ll be down.”
I surveyed the mess of boxes and suitcases crammed into my tiny bedroom. I remembered last night’s fantasy and blushed; it felt so weird to be thinking about sex and Ryder while my parents were sleeping downstairs.
I stretched, tidied my hair, threw on a pair of yoga pants and an
oversized t-shirt and went to face my parents. To tell them the truth about my disastrous life and the man who had betrayed me.
I wouldn’t tell them the full truth though, that Andrew kicking me out wasn’t exactly a bad thing. I wasn’t even fully conscious that I was happy to be back home in the comfort of small town life, but I could feel that satisfaction nudging me on the edge of my awareness.
One night back and I was more relaxed than I’d been in years. I could get used to this, especially if Ryder would ever look at me again.
“I just don’t understand how he could kick you out like that after living together for two years,” Mom said with a frown. “You two were together for almost three, right?”
“That’s the problem with kids these days, you don’t take relationships seriously. If he’s not willing to marry you, you shouldn’t be surprised when something like this happens,” Dad added.
“I didn’t want to marry him, not the other way around. Marriage is just a piece of paper, and at least now I don’t have to hire a lawyer to get me out of this mess,” I replied defiantly, telling only half the truth really. We’d never talked about marriage, it just hadn’t seemed like it was on the table.
“Maybe if you told him you would agree to marry him, he’d take you back dear,” Mom sighed, a wistful look flitting across her features.
“That will never happen mom, and I just don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry,” I replied, picked up my mug of hot coffee and sipped carefully, losing myself in the steam. I began to daydream, ignoring the worried glances my parents were exchanging across the table at each other. I just couldn’t handle their concern right now, not when they had no idea what was really going on.
I could never tell them the real reason behind Andrew kicking me out, I would die if they ever found out and they would never look at me the same way again.
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