“Alex, sweetie, can we have a talk?” Mom called to me from the front room as I came in.
I walked through the foyer and sat on the couch next to Mom, inhaling the aroma of freshly baked goodies. I couldn’t resist, I reached over and grabbed a warm chocolate chip cookie and devoured it in three big bites.
It was even better than I remembered.
“What’s up mom?” I asked at last, brushing the crumbs off my chin.
“Well, dear, your father and I are worried about you. You just got here, I know, but you haven’t even told us what happened. I mean what really happened.”
“It’s just so hard to talk about. I don’t know what to tell you. We were in love, then we weren’t, I got fired, and he asked me to leave,” I replied and reached for a second cookie.
“You were fired? You didn’t mention that at all,” Mom exclaimed.
“Yeah, well, I was already feeling like a big enough loser having to beg for my old room back. Besides, it’s not really being fired when your company lets you go during a restructuring. At least that’s the official version. I got a nice severance package, so it’s not all bad.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince, myself or Mom. It felt easier to blame everything on my relationship ending, but losing the job had bothered me more than that.
And realizing I had regrets was starting to hurt even more. How could I ever tell Mom though, I would die if I had to see that, “I told you so,” look in her eyes.
I felt a vibration in my back pocket and jumped with alarm.
“Honey, your butt is buzzing,” Mom laughed and pointed at me.
“It’s an incoming text. I can read it later,” I told her, sensing she wasn’t satisfied with the talk we’d had so far and wanted more.
“Well, keep talking then. What happened with you and Andrew? In spite of what your father says, we actually liked him, we just worried about you living so far away.”
“It’s complicated, and embarrassing, and I don’t really know how to explain it,” I replied, thinking I would rather walk down Main Street naked than reveal everything to my conservative mother. I couldn't even imagine my parents having sex, let alone doing anything beyond boring and vanilla.
Mom leaned in and put her hand on my knee. “Did he cheat on you sweetie?”
“Well, yeah, I guess he kinda did.”
“I thought it was something like that, say no more, we don’t need to talk about it again.”
Mom handed me another cookie as I picked up my phone. It was a text from a number I didn’t recognize — a local number — and my heart skipped a beat hoping against the odds that it was from Ryder.
I tilted my phone to read the message.
Hey A! It’s Lee, we need to do some catching up!!!
“Who is it?” Mom asked, trying to get a better look.
“It’s Lee, she wants to get together. I guess Dad must have given her my number.”
“Call her! It could be good for you.”
“Come on Mom, nobody calls anyone anymore,” I replied with a laugh. I texted Lee back and we made plans for the following afternoon, a Friday.
It would be good to get back in touch with the people who had made my life here worthwhile. I needed to get grounded again and focus on what was real and what was meaningful.
And see if I could convince Ryder to give me a second chance.
To give us both a chance at love.
Ryder
I’d taken the day off from my vet practice to help my parents with some repairs around the ranch. They were getting older and less interested in the hands on activities of running things, so I was trying to pick up the slack.
I could still tell that they were disappointed that I didn’t have a good woman with a few kids to help them maintain the place I would eventually inherit, but I didn’t know what to tell them.
They knew better than anyone why my marriage to Brittany hadn’t worked out.
It had been hard since the beginning and the moment we’d said our vows, I started regretting my decision to marry her. I knew Brittany had fallen in love with my money and stability...and with the idea of getting something that had been Alex’s.
She was real sweet to me though, and Brittany was Alex’s physical opposite which helped a whole lot to drive the memory of my first and only love from my mind.
I had to admit to myself now that I hadn’t been that attracted to Brittany from the get go, but I hoped I’d learn to love her.
Having sex with her had been fun at first, she was willing to try anything at least once, twice to make sure she didn’t like it as she always said, but we lacked the intense chemistry I had with Alex.
Once the novelty of a new body to play with wore off, Brittany could tell I’d lost interest. This compounded her other problem, that she also liked to wander and pick up guys from her job at the pub.
I didn’t want her to get the job initially because I’d suspected that was the major reason Brittany wanted to get out of the house in revealing clothes night after night, but she insisted on contributing to the household. In the end it hadn’t mattered what he thought anyhow, she’d taken the job without me knowing.
After that I pretty much dropped the façade and stopped sleeping with her all together. I eventually moved into the house I was building and let her stay in the little farmhouse down the road.
I was working on stretching the wire along the bottom of the fence as each year the cows tested it and pushed against it mercilessly. It was always loose in the spring, and I learned early on how to work the hand jack to pull the barbed wire tight and keep fences in good condition. It was ranching 101, making sure the cows didn’t get out. I was deep in concentration, singing along to some old time country song in my head, when I heard the snap of twigs and the rustle of branches a short distance up the fence from me.
I glanced carefully up and recognized Alex’s horse Rio immediately. The big mare was distinctive, even if the rider was still in shadow. I waited a few moments to see if Alex was going to come out and greet me. When I realized she wasn’t, I decided to have a little fun with it, to put on a show. I knew she hadn’t seen me in a while and I couldn’t help but feel a little smug and superior with my well-toned body. The photos I’d seen of her boyfriend in the city had shown a leaner, smaller man than myself.
I stood up and stretched, giving her a good view of my body, knowing Alex’s curiosity would get the better of her and keep her watching. I drank some water, removed my hat and ran my fingers through my thick, dark hair.
I smiled to myself, wondering if she had enjoyed the little performance. I heard more branches snap and watched as Alex backed her horse up and took off.
I took another draw of water and settled back down to work on another wire in the fence. I was conflicted, seeing Alex in person for the first time in years felt good, all at once comforting and familiar. I couldn’t forget how she’d hurt me though; I couldn’t just give in and forgive her for everything she’d done to me.
I was still scarred by being abandoned, and I vowed again to never let her get to me, to guard myself against her in case she was single and wanting to rekindle what we’d had.
I could never trust her again, and that was no way to start a relationship.
And yet here I was, thinking about a relationship with Alex like we were just going to pick up where we’d left off.
It was insanity, but then again nothing around Alex ever felt completely sane. Our love had burned so brightly it scorched all the flimsy constructs of normalcy and left ashes of passion it its wake.
Passion was much harder to ignore than love.
Alex
I squinted into the bright sunshine as I turned onto the long driveway of the old Milner Farm. I was relieved to get away from Mom’s questioning glances and continuous baking.
I patted the pan full of fresh banana bread Mom sent over with me and had to smile. As much as Mom drove me crazy, she really did care about me and everyone else in her life. Wh
at I used to see as boredom being filled by mindless cooking was now obvious to me as Mom’s way of caring.
It used to be outdated to me, but now I saw it as sweet.
I drove slowly towards the farmhouse and was awed at how much the landscape had changed. Trees hung over the driveway now, and thick underbrush covered the ground in between. When Lee and I had raided these orchards as children, they had been immaculately kept by Old Man Milner, they had been his pride and joy. It filled me with sadness to see the wild unkempt state of them now.
I reached the end of the driveway, stopped my car and got out, almost forgetting the banana bread, but reaching in for it at the last moment. The house was in wonderful shape, bright white, a classic two-story country home. The yard and large parking area were littered with toys of all shapes and sizes and I realized I had no idea how many kids Lee actually had. I couldn’t remember what she’d told me that first day, children had never been something that interested me much.
That was part of the reason I ran from Ryder actually, he’d already started talking about kids before I even finished high school and the thought of being a baby factory made me feel suffocated and frantic.
I walked up the front steps, lifted my hand to knock, and the door swung open. My frazzled high school friend stood there, a toddler gripping her leg while she balanced a baby in one arm and a bag of flour in the other.
“Here, hold him,” Lee said as she thrust the baby towards me.
I gulped uncomfortably, but had no choice in the matter it seemed. I gently lifted him and looked into his pudgy face, he smiled and blew me a raspberry. I giggled and stuck out my tongue in response.
Lee hurried off towards the kitchen, beckoning me to follow so I did, gingerly stepping over toys and random piles of clothing on the floor.
The other twin was in his high chair, pureed baby food smeared from head toe and I smiled as Lee began pouring flour into her mixer, toddler still on her leg with a vice grip.
“Lee, your family is adorable!” I exclaimed and made faces at both twins, getting them giggling in no time at all.
“Thanks, I love being a mom, but sometimes I wish I could run away and join the circus,” Lee replied with a giggle. She turned the mixer on, then reached down and pried the toddler off her leg.
“Joseph, go put on a DVD, anything you want!”
He ran happily to the front room and Lee laughed at my shocked face.
“I know, I know, before I had kids I was all ‘I’ll never use TV as a babysitter,’ but now if a little Cat in the Hat gives me a chance to pee by myself, I’m all over it,” Lee told me.
“I’m sorry Lee, I didn’t mean anything with my shocked expression. And come on, what do I know about raising kids? I’d be a terrible mom!”
“Are you kidding me? Look at the way you’re holding Luke, you’re a natural.” Lee turned the mixer off, transferred the dough to a bowl, tossed a dishtowel over it and reached for the baby in the high chair. I had rarely seen such efficient multi-tasking in anything I’d previously done; I was impressed. I looked down at the gurgling cherub in my arms and wondered quickly if Andrew or Ryder would be a better father and who would make cuter babies?
Instantly, I chose Ryder in both cases. He really was the winner of everything, these days.
“Here, I’ll trade you, take Lance,” Lee broke into my daydream. “Let’s go get them all settled and I’ll make you a cup of tea...and then we can catch up.”
About an hour later, Lee and I finally sat on the front porch, hot tea in hand and a quiet moment to talk. The bread was baked and all three kids were settled down for their naps.
Having kids was obviously exhausting but also extremely rewarding, I could see that now. I’d never considered having children with Andrew, and he was adamantly against it, thank god. After this though, I could almost see myself enjoying motherhood and that surprised me. I had always thought myself above such domestic pursuits, but the love that filled this little house made me wistful for something of my own.
With Ryder by my side, sharing in it all and building our family and future together.
“So, Alex, tell me everything about your life in the city, let me escape through you. Oh, and how long are you in town for? Was it hard to get away from the office?”
I sighed and hesitated, hating to divulge everything that had happened. I gathered my thoughts and finally replied. “It was pretty good. I finished school then got in with a great company. I moved in with Andrew a couple of years back and did everything the right way. But what can I say? It didn’t work out Lee, nothing did. So I guess I’m back for good.”
“Oh my... I’m sorry Alex, I had no idea. What happened?” my friend asked, her concern genuine and touching.
That being said, I wondered when people would stop asking about the end of my relationship. “He cheated, I got fired, and moved home. That’s about it. Now tell me all about you! Any good gossip? Tell me everything! Cheer me up Lee.”
Lee started telling me about all the small town scandals I’d missed over the last few years. I listened and made the appropriate comments, but couldn’t help but wonder if Lee was avoiding talking about Ryder just to torture me.
I loved listening to Lee talk though, Lee was so upbeat and outgoing, and she had really settled into her life with all the enthusiasm she had for anything she tackled.
I admired that now, back then I hadn’t of course, looking at housewives with a bit of a snotty attitude. I didn’t know what had changed or exactly when it had changed, but running a household and raising a family seemed very admirable to me now.
Lee bent over in mid-sentence to pick up a piece of banana bread and I caught a glimpse of a leopard print bra under her demure blouse. I smiled to myself, also who ever said being married had to be boring? Lee’s life was something I could aspire to now it seemed.
I was deep in thought, musing about the change in my opinions when I caught Lee saying Ryder’s name
“Oh, sorry, did you just mention Ryder? I was daydreaming,” I stammered and blushed at my rudeness. I was so focused on the changes in my life that I was losing track of what Lee had been talking about.
Lee smiled. “It’s okay, and yes, it’s about Ryder. Well you know he married Brittany, right? I have to tell you, it ended very, very badly.”
She sat back with a smug look on her face and watched for my reaction.
“Come on Lee, are you going to make me beg for information? Tell me everything you know,” I pleaded and leaned towards her.
“I thought you didn’t care, Alex.” Lee grinned and nibbled some of Mom’s banana bread.
“Okay, fine. I admit it. I want to know.”
“Really? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?” Lee raised one eyebrow and stared me down.
“Tell me everything, dammit!” I exclaimed with a laugh. “I need to know what’s been going on with him. I’m dying to find out if he’s available and if he’s been thinking about me at all. So tell me, or I swear I’ll take this banana bread home with me.”
Lee laughed and pretended to snatch at the loaf pan, I almost knocked it to the ground and we ended up giggling like we were teenagers again.
After we’d calmed down and caught our breaths, Lee leaned in. “Obviously you know Brittany has always been, well, you know...”
“A total slut?” I asked pointedly and smirked.
“Alex! I didn’t mean that, but I guess you’re right. Brittany has always had a wandering eye. So she and Ryder were married three years ago, and everybody always heard her complaining that he still pined for you. She got a job tending bar down at the Iron Spur, and rumor had it she slept with as many guys as she served drinks to.”
Lee sat back with satisfaction at having delivered her shocking news.
“Oh my god Lee, that’s horrible. Ryder wouldn’t deserve that kind of treatment,” I gasped and put my hand to my chest. Part of me was happy he’d been divorced of course, but I hated to think of him being hurt…again. H
e hadn’t deserved the callous way I’d left him, and he damn well didn’t deserve it from that bitch, Brittany.
“A couple of years ago Brittany got pregnant, and of course everyone was wondering who the father was. Ryder’s parents were oblivious, they were going crazy buying things for the nursery and showing the ultrasound pictures to anyone who would look at them. Ryder even seemed to be getting prouder and prouder as the time grew close. Well, when the baby was born, it was obviously not Ryder’s. He had blonde hair and green eyes, and both Ryder and Brittany have dark hair. She named him Ryder Junior anyways, but his parents demanded a paternity test.”
“Oh my god, what was the outcome?” I asked, wondering how Ryder could have handled the humiliation.
“Nobody ever found out. One morning when the little boy was about three months old, Brittany went into his nursery and he… Well, he had passed away in the middle of the night.” Lee had tears in her eyes as she said it, and I felt them stinging the backs of mine too. The suffering Ryder had endured in the time I’d been gone made me feel horrible. If I hadn’t walked out on him, he never would have gone through all this.
“That’s so horrific. I can’t even imagine,” I said with a sniffle. I picked up a napkin and dabbed at the tears in my eyes and felt a sharp sliver of guilt wedge itself harder against my heart.
What had I done?
“Neither can I,” Lee said. “I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. The official cause of death was SIDS, you know, sudden infant death syndrome. There’s no reason for it, sometimes babies are called away before their time.”
Both of us were silent as we thought about the pain Ryder and Brittany must have felt. I wondered if that had been the source of the sadness I’d seen in Ryder yesterday.
“Did Ryder ever figure out if the baby was his though?” I asked at last, dying to know in spite of the horrible story Lee had just shared.
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