I would eventually have to face things and arrange for prenatal care, but as long as I could sit in denial, everything would be okay.
Mom suspected something was up though, the last time I’d talked to her she’d said, “Your dad and I are coming to see you next week, we haven’t been to the city in so long.”
“I’m really busy, that isn’t going to work for me. They keep me running at the office, especially now that I’m back,” I replied. I had lied to them both about a lot of things lately, including the fact that I’d gotten hired at my old job. I didn’t want them to worry about my finances.
I didn’t feel good about it, but I didn’t really have a choice. I was trying hard to not allow my sorrow to worry my parents.
“Okay,” Mom replied but she still sounded sceptical. “You’d tell me if anything was wrong, wouldn’t you? Are you dating anyone?”
“I don’t have time to date, I’m putting myself into my work. I haven’t seen Andrew since I’ve been back, and I don’t plan on it,” I told her. “My life consists of working and sleeping and nothing in between.”
“It’s just so strange, you mentioned Brittany but we haven’t seen her at all. We have seen Ryder moping around town and we can’t figure out what the heck happened between you guys,” Mom said.
I couldn’t help it; I smiled at the thought of him moping anywhere. Unbidden, I thought about the garden I’d planted, it would be ready to harvest right about now and anger swelled up inside. I hoped they choked on my tomatoes or something.
Well, Brittany at least. I still couldn’t manage to hate Ryder. “I don’t know what went wrong, he chose his wife over me I guess,” I said, my throat choking shut with emotions. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, it brought up too much in me and I worked so hard to keep it hidden. “Listen Mom, I should go. How about you give Dad a kiss for me and I’ll call you guys in a couple days.”
I heard Mom’s exasperated sigh and she said, “I really think you should give him a call. I promise you, we haven’t seen Brittany anywhere.”
“I will,” I lied. “Now I really have to go.” I had to hang up because tears were burning brightly behind my closed eyes now. I felt a wave of nausea and ran to the bathroom again, passing a very concerned Renee in the hallway. I waved off Renee’s concern and shut the door behind me.
After I was done, I sat on the cool tiled floor of the bathroom holding the cold, damp porcelain of the toilet. Morning sickness was a joke, I felt ill all day, every day.
My life felt hopeless, my future felt bleak and worst of all, it was devoid of Ryder. I hung my head and fat, hot tears slipped down my cheeks and stained the grey yoga pants I had on, they were the only things that could accommodate my growing stomach.
I felt another wave of nausea and prepared to grip the seat again, crying as my body tried to expel the contents of an empty stomach. Nothing happened.
I felt it again, a wave of nausea, then realized it was something different. It felt like a little fish was swimming just under the surface of my stomach. I sat up and smiled, from everything I’d read online, this was my baby’s first kick.
My joy was colored with sadness, but suddenly my situation seemed to lighten up. I imagined my baby’s face and my world held a small bit of hope again.
Later that week I was finishing a late shift, my feet were swollen and I was exhausted but the day had been a good one. I was proudly growing a tiny belly that had popped at last, although I could still keep it hidden at work with my green apron.
I was on the hunt for my own apartment; hopefully I could afford a one bedroom where I planned on creating a nursery for the baby and sleeping in the living room. I intended to have enough in the bank that I could stay home until the baby was six months at least, I wanted to be with my child as long as possible.
I’d never respected my mom’s choices when I was growing up but now I longed to be as lucky as she’d been. I wanted nothing more than to be at home with my baby, but I didn’t have that choice.
My co-worker came out of the back washroom fully ready for a night on the town. She was wearing tight leather pants, an adorable purple corset with a black leather jacket. Her boots were stunning four inch heeled contraptions of laces and silver eyelets.
I wiped my brow and felt envy, there was no way I could cram my fat feet into those boots at this point, let alone walk in them. And getting those leather pants down to pee? Forget about it. I looked down at my yoga pants and canvas sneakers and had to laugh at myself.
“You sure you’re okay closing up? It’s just that this concert is starting any time now and I want to meet my friends before the show.” The other girl knew what my answer would be but went through the motions.
“Of course, you know I’ll be fine. Just flip the sign on the way out so people know I’m closed,” I replied and walked around behind the tall counter and started to wipe down the jars of teas and treats housed there. I heard my co-worker leave and thought longingly about how free I’d once been too. So young and naïve.
I had my head down wiping a particularly difficult stain off the black counter top when I heard the door jingle and open again.
“That was quick, or did you forget something?” I said without looking up from the counter, expecting my co-worker to reply.
“I did. I forgot how beautiful you are.”
It was Ryder’s voice. My head shot up and I stared at him in disbelief. He looked incredible standing just inside the shop, resting his weight on one leg with a crooked grin on his face.
“How did you find me?” I said, glowering at him. I didn’t care how amazing he looked and how hard my heart was pounding; I refused to soften to him, not after what he’d done to me. And the baby.
“I told you once I’d always find you, you’re in my blood,” he said and then looked sheepish as he held up his phone. “You also checked in on Facebook.”
I kept my face cold and expressionless, I could see him fumbling for words in front of me and I wanted to crumble and tell him it was okay, that I still loved him. But I couldn’t, my dignity and self worth wouldn’t let me. My knees felt weak and I held onto the counter to steady myself. I could feel Ryder’s baby kicking and doing backflips, as if responding to its father’s voice.
“Oh, I always forget to turn that off,” I said coolly.
“I’m glad you didn’t. I had to see you, I miss you so much,” he said. His deep voice was almost hypnotizing to me.
“I’m fine,” I replied with a frown. “I like my job and I’m looking for an apartment.”
“I saw your mom today,” he said with an expectant look on his face. “She told me you weren’t with Andrew anymore.”
“What are you talking about? I haven’t been with Andrew for months,” I snapped.
“I saw you with him,” he said in an accusatory tone. “I saw you kissing him after lunch that day you were supposed to be at your mom’s.”
“I never kissed him,” I replied. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s fine, I know everything and I want you to know that I have forgiven you,” he said and took a couple steps towards the counter.
“Are you nuts? I never kissed Andrew, he kissed me and I struggled to get him off me! Maybe if you had been spying a little closer you could have helped me instead of watching him force himself on me!” I knew my arrow had hit when he winced as if in pain. It was his weakness, not protecting me and in spite of him moving Brittany in the moment I left his house, I knew it would still get to him.
He looked at me, confused, and said, “What’s wrong? I’m not mad at you, why won’t you let me forgive you? I want to take you home!”
I felt tears start to fall down my cheeks, I looked at Ryder and my entire body ached to be with him, to fall into his arms and believe that everything would be okay.
I couldn’t fall into that trap again, and if he found out about the baby he would force me to come home and force me to watch him parade around town with B
rittany on his arm.
And worst of all, Brittany would be my baby’s stepmother, a thought that hit me like a punch to the gut. There was no way I would let that bitch have anything to do with my sweet little child.
I gathered my strength and did the thing that went against every fiber of my being. I looked Ryder straight in the eyes and said, “Get out Ryder. I don’t ever want to see you again. If you thought I would cheat on you with Andrew, you don’t know me and you don’t deserve to have me. And what would you take me home to? To be your side chick? A plaything? Please get the fuck out and never come near me again.”
He looked stunned, his mouth opened and no sound came out. He must not have known that I knew about Brittany. He must be shocked that I knew about his plan, to keep us both on the hook, but I would be nobody’s mistress.
He crossed the room to the counter, grabbed a notepad from next to the cash register and scribbled something down. He reached over and left it in front of me.
“If you cool off and think about things, come see me. I just got in, but that’s the room I reserved. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but I’ll respect your wishes and leave you alone for now,” he said. The sincerity in his voice almost broke me and I gripped the edge of the counter to steady myself and to keep me from running around it to fall into his arms.
Ryder turned to leave. He walked to the door, paused with his hand on the handle, turned again and looked at me. “I love you, Alex. I don’t know where this is coming from, but know that I love you.”
With that, he left the shop and walked away, his long legs carrying him along the sidewalk and out of my sight.
I stood shaking, trembling with anger and the overwhelming urge to run out of the store and chase him down the street. Part of me didn’t care about dignity or public displays, I wanted to scream his name and jump into his arms.
He was so damn good looking, and my heart wanted him as badly as my body did. I straightened my spine, took one last swipe at the counter and tucked his information into my pocket.
I headed right home after work, a head full of Ryder and what I should do. Renee was home when I got there; I hadn’t ever really had a chance to talk with my roommate and still knew nothing about her. She looked up when I came in and immediately asked, “Oh my god, what’s wrong?”
I shook my head but no words came out, I just broke down and started sobbing. Renee gently led me to the couch and asked again what was wrong with me. I managed to get my story out between sobs and hiccups.
“I knew you were knocked up!” Renee said with triumph. “I mean, I don’t mean to sound happy about it, but I kinda suspected. And this guy, Ryder, he’s the father?”
I nodded yes and blew my nose on some tissues Renee handed me.
“Well, you know what you have to do then. You have got to go see him. Even if he’s still with that slutty wife of his, he deserves to know he has a child. And you need help Alex, you might not see it, but you will need help when the baby comes,” Renee said, rubbing my back.
“I just can’t stand the thought of him being with her. I mean he showed up and propositioned me, he acted like he wanted to get back together with me, but that would mean I’d be his little fuck on the side,” I said and sniffled miserably.
“Do you know for certain that he’s with Brittany though? Did you ask him about it? Or did you just go on what she said? Think about it Alex, she’s sneaky enough to slash your tires and hurt your horse, what would stop her from breaking into Ryder’s place when he was out? If he thought you were with Andrew, of course he’d stop taking your calls or answering your texts and emails. He was hurting. His parents probably knew about it, and they were protecting him from you.”
I sat and processed the information and it slowly dawned on me. I looked at Renee with a horrified expression and exclaimed, “Oh my god. What if you’re right?”
Ryder
I threw my overnight bag on the hotel bed and hung my hat on the coatrack. I was unsettled, almost shaking, which was unusual for me. I tried to play it cool in all situations, but Alex knew how to rattle me. I had been sure she and Andrew were kissing that day in town, I felt so angry with myself to think I’d been wrong.
I had been in town picking up a parcel for the clinic, it had given me a chance to get out and enjoy a little of the beautiful day. When I saw Alex leave the restaurant I was across the street holding the box of cattle inoculations from the post office. I’d almost called to her but had noticed the man walking with her a little too close. I’d recognized Andrew from her Facebook and almost dropped everything right there to attack him.
I was so angry that she had lied to me, but I’d decided to see what happened between the two former lovers. I’d shadowed them to Andrew’s car, hanging back on the opposite side of the street, watching them get in. Andrew’s car was a ridiculous little contraption worth a load of money. I couldn’t believe Alex seemed so comfortable in it, she was a country girl born to ride in a truck.
I’d once again fought the urge to drop the box, run across the street, drag Andrew out of his overpriced Mercedes and beat the fuck out of the man. My hands had started to shake when I saw Andrew lean over and kiss Alex, grabbing her passionately. They’d pulled apart and sped away, leaving me in a state of incomprehensible fury and betrayal.
I’d regained my composure and walked back to the truck, I’d put the box on the seat and jumped in. I’d briefly thought about driving after them, thoughts of ramming the smaller car with my truck jumped into my head, but I knew I couldn’t hurt Alex, even after witnessing what I did.
I reached the point where I figured if she wanted Andrew, she could have him. I would make it easy on her this time; I would cut her off and let her go. Last time she’d snuck off and left me destroyed, this time I would be the one leaving, I’d decided that was it, she was gone from my life as of that moment.
That evening when I’d gotten home, I’d had a feeling that my things had been rifled through. I thought Alex must have gotten back in the house; all of her things were gone. If there ever was a sign that she was getting back together with Andrew, that was it.
She hadn’t even left me the courtesy of a break up note.
It wasn’t that easy of course, every night I rolled over, I smelled her on the sheets. I couldn’t bring myself to wash the pillow, and often found myself spooning it, waking slowly and dreamily thinking Alex was in my arms, only to crash back to earth when I remembered what had happened.
My phone buzzed constantly, calls and texts from Alex. I erased them all without reading them and eventually blocked her number all together. What could she tell me to make it better? She had lied to me, betrayed me, and had tried to play me as a food.
I should have known better, trying to tame a woman like her, but my body wouldn’t have let me resist. I knew I was in deep with Alex, and this time it would take forever to get out.
My parents were concerned; Alex had stopped coming to the ranch suddenly and had never finished the books. I let them know we had fought, and she wouldn’t be coming around anymore. They told me she’d been calling, but only to talk to me. I’d said, ‘Don’t tell her anything, we’re through.’
I could tell this put them in an awful spot, I knew how much they liked her, but I couldn’t tell them about her cheating, I couldn’t face the shame of voicing her actions.
Work was the same; I’d told my vet techs and front receptionist to block her calls and left it at that. All three women had looked concerned, they knew had fallen hard for her and worried when I became despondent and withdrawn.
I finally heard from Lee that Alex had moved back to the city. I’d nodded, thanked her for the information, and walked to my truck, trying to harden my heart against her as I went.
I hated being right about it, Alex had gone to Andrew as I’d expected.
My lawyer had called later the same day and let me know Brittany had finally signed the documents; my divorce would go through in a matter of days.
I thanked him, hung up, and poured myself a glass of scotch. I had to have something to calm my anger and frustration, to ease the pain and loss.
I went to bed that night drunk, falling into bed saying her name. If only I could find something to hate about her it might hurt a little less.
Just when I thought I couldn’t stand one more minute without her, when my body was aching nightly to touch her, and my skin felt like it was on fire longing for her touch, I saw her mother in town.
“Ryder! How are you doing?” she’d asked, stopping me on the sidewalk in front of the hardware store.
“Hi there. Well, I’m doing okay,” I’d lied and tried to seem as okay as possible. “How’s Alex doing? Is she adjusting back to her old life?”
“She seems fine, she’s working hard,” she replied.
“That’s good for her,” I’d lied again, wanting her to fail so she’d be forced to move back.
“Listen Ryder, I know this might not be my place to say, but why are you two doing this? You’re both so miserable, why wouldn’t you work this out and be happy? Life’s too short for whatever game you two are playing,” her mom had said, concern painted on her features.
“I’d love to, but if she wants to live with Andrew then there’s nothing I can do about it,” I said.
“What? Why would you think she’s living with Andrew? She hasn’t seen him since he was up here, acting like an idiot and trying to win her back so he didn’t lose. He never cared about Alex, he just wanted her on his arm.”
“You mean she’s not with him? Where is she?” I asked, my heart was the betrayer now, it was pounding in my chest, making me feel lightheaded.
“She’s living in a sublet, but has to move soon. She told us that she’s back at her old job, but her roommate let me know she’s working at Starbucks. She’s utterly despondent Ryder. You two are ridiculous without each other.”
Cowboy Page 18