Though a small percentage of people may be overly transparent, most of us have too many barriers between our hearts and our tongues. So often we talk about the weather and how things are going at school or work, but the really important things—like how we feel about each other—go unspoken. John Powell demonstrates the tragic deprivation that occurs when we needlessly shield our emotions from other people:
It was the day my father died. It was a bleak, cold and blustery day in January. In the small hospital room, I was supporting him in my arms when his eyes suddenly widened with a look of awe I had never seen before. I was certain that the angel of death had entered the room. Then my father slumped back and I lowered his head gently onto the pillow. I closed his eyes and told my mother, who was seated by the bedside praying: “It’s all over, Mom. Dad is dead.”
She startled me. I will never know why these were her first words to me after his death. My mother said: “Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.”
Somehow I knew from my own reaction that these words were saying something very important to me. They were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed. Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.
Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly. A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me. I couldn’t talk through my tears. I wanted to tell her:
“I’m not crying because my father is dead. I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me. He never told me that he loved me. Of course, I was expected to know these things. I was expected to know the great part I played in his life and the great part I occupied in his heart, but he never told me.”
DESCRIPTIVE RECOGNITION
Many people think of assertion as being solely concerned with the confrontation of people or groups who are thwarting one’s needs or restricting one’s rights. Not so! The truly assertive person expresses his appreciation freely and constructively.
When people want to be verbally supporting, three ways are often used. Flattery is saying something you don’t really mean. It is insincere. Most people share a distaste for those who “talk with flattering lips and double minds.”
Evaluative praise is the expression of favorable judgment about another person or his behaviors: “Eric, you are such a good boy.” Evaluative praise often utilizes superlatives like “wonderful,” “marvelous,” “superb,” and so on. This kind of praise, especially when it constitutes a favorable global evaluation of the person, is rarely constructive. It is one of the roadblocks described in Chapter 2. (You may want to review the material on page 20.) Dr. Haim Ginott summarizes the reasons for avoiding evaluative praise:
Evaluative praise … creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokes defensiveness. It is nonconducive to self-reliance, self-direction and self-control. These qualities demand freedom from outside judgment. They require reliance on inner motivation and evaluation.
Descriptive recognition is a way of letting another person know that you value his specific behavior. A descriptive recognition does not contain superlatives. Unlike evaluative praise, descriptive recognitions typically positively affect the person and enhance the relationship.
An incident in the life of Pablo Casals, the famous cellist, demonstrates the difference between evaluative praise and descriptive recognition. When a young cellist named Gregor Piatigorsky first met Casals, Piatigorsky was asked to play. He was nervous and gave what he believed a terrible performance—so bad that he stopped in the middle of the sonata. “Bravo! Wonderful!” Casals applauded. Piatigorsky said, “Bewildered, I left. I knew how badly I had played. Why did he, the master, have to praise and embarrass me?”
Years later, when the two great cellists were together again, Piatigorsky told Casals how he felt about the praise a few years before. Casals rushed to the cello angrily. “Listen!” he said as he played a phrase from the Beethoven sonata. “Didn’t you play this fingering? It was novel to me…. And didn’t you attack that passage with up-bow, like this?” The master went through all the music, emphasizing all he liked that Piatigorsky had done. The younger cellist said of that evening, “I left with the feeling of having been with a great artist and a friend.”
On both evenings, Casals had the same goal—to acknowledge the great skill of the younger musician. But the methods and the results were different. On the first occasion, he used evaluative praise. He said it was “wonderful” and “magnificent.” Piatigorsky was bewildered and embarrassed and, it would seem, he was angry, too. At their next gathering, Casals provided a descriptive recognition of the behaviors. Piatigorsky was deeply moved by these explicit statements about his artistry.
Descriptive recognitions contain one or more of the ingredients of the three-part assertion message. First, they always have a clear description of the other person’s behavior or the results of that behavior. What is the other doing or has he done that deserves recognition? The goal is to accurately describe the actual work, behaviors, or accomplishments of the other—rather than evaluate his personality or character. “The windows you just cleaned look spotless.”
Also tell the other person how you feel about or value those behaviors. Don’t just say the words but demonstrate them in your voice. “When you straighten up your room before your grandparents come to visit I feel relieved because the neatness of the house has been a source of unpleasant arguments in the past.” In descriptive-recognition statements some people use the words “appreciative” or “grateful” almost exclusively. Try to use some of the other feeling words when possible.
Then, if there has been a positive effect of the other’s behavior on your life, mention it. Let him know the good things that have happened to you as a result of his actions. “When you did the grocery shopping for me today I felt much less tense because I could spend more time preparing for my presentation at the meeting tonight.”
State the elements of the descriptive-recognition message in a single sentence. That way it has more impact, and evaluative words are less apt to encumber the statement. The formula “When you … I feel … because …” can be helpful when you first send descriptive recognition statements with two or three parts.
“When you worked overtime to type that report, I felt very appreciative because the
proposal might not have been considered if it arrived late.”
“When you wrote letters to me each week during my sickness, I felt less lonely.”
“When you make a special breakfast for me each Sunday, I feel very cared for.”
The formula may seem stilted, but it can be useful in two ways: first, it helps break the pattern of evaluative praise that is so common in our society, and second, it makes explicit certain thoughts that might not be spoken and that help a person think more clearly about another’s behavior and his response to it. With the principles of the formula clearly in their minds, many people prefer to use more natural phrasing, such as:
“I’m so happy with the new tie you bought me.”
“I like the way you did the layout on that report.”
“I’m very touched that you would come to visit me in the hospital.”
“I’m excited about the production record this group established last month.”
Descriptive recognitions are sometimes responses to the big things in life or to ongoing activities. Many times, however, we are touched by little things that a person does. The English poet William Wordsworth noted that “the best portion of a good man’s life” consists of “his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.” These tremendous trifles deserve more attention than they usually receive. Nothing is too insignificant for a descriptive-recognition message if you have strong positive feelings about it.
Once you have stated your descriptive-recognition message, be silent so that the other can think about your w
ords and/or respond to them.
When the descriptive recognition is well-phrased, the recipient may accept the message immediately. Often, however, people ward off even the most carefully constructed statements. They discount the positive feedback, saying things like, “It was nothing, really” or “I was just lucky.” One of my friends, Ed Lisbe, says, “It is such an overwhelming thought that even a well-worded compliment is apt to stimulate a defensive reaction.”
To help the recipient receive our descriptive-recognition message, we must be prepared to listen to his defensive comments, reflect back the meanings, and then state the message again. This rhythm between sending the descriptive-recognition message and reflectively listening to a defensive response is similar to the confrontative assertion process except that the sending/reflecting process is only recycled once or twice.
These “matchless units of life sustaining recognition” build self-esteem, foster improved motivation, reinforce behaviors we appreciate, and strenghten relationships.
RELATIONSHIP ASSERTIONS
Sometimes there is a need to make an assertion about another person’s behavior which has a negative impact on the relationship between the two of you. In these cases it is appropriate to use what we call a relationship-assertion message. This kind of assertion has many similarities to the three-part assertion message discussed in the previous three chapters. The differences, however, are also significant.
As in the three-part assertion message, the other person’s behavior is described accurately. One also discloses one’s feelings.
A major difference between the two types of messages is that there is no concrete or tangible effect in the relationship-assertion message. There is often an effect, but it is not something tangible (the effect doesn’t harm your property, cost you money, etc.). Becky, a young woman whose relationship with her husband was largely healthy and happy, was troubled about one aspect of their interaction. When she brought up some facet of their relationship that displeased her, he would seldom discuss the matter. Instead, he usually diverted with humor. Because there was no materialistic effect, Becky couldn’t find any reason to use a regular three-part assertion message. She decided the best way to tell him how she felt was through the use of a relationship assertion. She wrote the message out so that she would be prepared the next time he tried to divert her from discussing their relationship. Then a few weeks later, when he tried to divert her, she said:
When you distract with humor when I am trying to discuss something very important to me, I become furious because that often results in my needs not being discussed or met.
After sending such a message, reflective listening is required. Then reassertion followed by more listening.
Because there is no concrete or tangible effect, there is less likelihood that the other person will meet the asserter’s needs than when there is a concrete or tangible effect. People are often angered by this. They say, “If he really loved me, he would change a behavior that is frustrating to me whether or not there is a concrete or tangible effect. It is the intangible things that are most important to me.” Though many people agree with this point of view, my observation of human interactions for many years suggests that the average person will more readily change his behavior when it has a concrete negative effect on the other person’s life than when less tangible effects result. You may not like this tendency of human beings, but it helps to know that when someone is behaving this way, it is probably not a sign that he doesn’t love you. Instead he is reacting in what for human beings is a predictable fashion.
After several reassertions interspersed with reflective listening, the other may or may not offer to meet my needs. If the other does not meet my needs, I may say something like this: “It is very important for me that you understand what I am trying to say and how I feel about it. Let me say it once more and you just repeat back to me what I said and how I feel. Once I’m sure I’ve communicated accurately, we can drop the subject, at least for now. OK?” Then I repeat the relationship-assertion message. Once he demonstrates understanding of my concern I say, “Thanks. That’s what I said and those are my feelings.” Then I try to be alone for a while to think about the interaction, and I hope he will have some alone time to ponder what I told him.
Here are some ether examples of relationship-assertion messages:
(Twelve-year-old child to parents): “When you don’t include me in the planning for family vacations, I feel ‘unfaired against’ because I have no say in what we do.” (Husband to wife): “When you don’t talk to me for hours after I have done something that annoys you, I feel despondent because we don’t work through our conflicts and disagreements.”
Many people think they are sending a relationship assertion when in fact they are intruding on the other person’s space. There is a fine line between a relationship assertion and an attempt to impose one’s values on the other person.
While it is appropriate at times to try to influence another person’s values, I believe it is never appropriate to try to impose one’s values on another person—even one’s children. That is invading their space and is, in my eyes, an act of spiritual aggression. Therefore, I do not use relationship-assertion messages regarding matters like my children’s grades in school, their companions, whether or not they go to church, their political activities or lack of them, the formality or informality of their dress, and so on. On those occasions when I want to discuss a values issue in my child’s, spouse’s, or friend’s life, I rely on self-disclosure or the conflict resolution method outlined in Chapter 13. When a person tries to impose his values on another it tends to damage the relationship and/or the other’s selfhood.
The relationship assertion can be the most difficult kind of an assertion to send. Before trying it, you may wish to review the parts of Chapters 9 and 10 that are relevant to this skill (pp. 144-152 and 158-176). Since this type of assertion often evolves into a discussion requiring the use of conflict resolution skills, you may also want to read pages 216-231 before sending a relationship assertion.
SELECTIVE INATTENTION
People in our classes sometimes raise the question: “How can I deal assertively with someone who is making aggressive and abusive remarks to me?” Alfie complained that his wife, Peg, called him “Fatty” much of the time. Instead of using his name, she would say, “Hey, Fatty, how did work go today?” “What will we watch on TV tonight, Fatty?” “Wow, Fatty, look at you go after that dessert.”
It is important not to allow oneself to be the repeated butt of someone’s abusive remarks. While the other person’s remarks cannot hurt me, my continued submissiveness in the face of persistently abusive remarks by another can be injurious to me. When I do not respond assertively to attacks, my self-esteem suffers and with it many other things that can include my health, my relationships, and the regard of others for me.
To allow another to repeatedly put me down is bad for the other, too. We have already noted how harmful aggression can be to the aggressor. For the sake of the other, as well as for my own sake, and for the sake of any actual or potential relationship between us, it is important for me not to tolerate continued abusive remarks.
Several of the methods described in this book may be effective in preventing others from repeatedly speaking abusively to you. Here is one approach that is often successful.
Begin by telling the other person that you will not participate in any conversation in which he speaks abusively to you. Describe the behavior specifically, phrasing it succinctly.
Next, use selective inattention. That is, ignore any comments from the other that contain abusive remarks. Don’t answer questions, refute charges, attack the other, and so on. Do not use good attending skills when the other is speaking abusively. Don’t nod or maintain eye contact, don’t smile, don’t stop what you are doing. Refuse to reward or reinforce the other by your participation in the conversation. If the other asks you why you aren’t talking, say your succinct message again, but not
if the other uses abusive language when he asks you. Provide lots of silence.
When the other person speaks to you without being abusive, pay attention and participate in the conversation. Make every effort to be civil and reasonable during these exchanges.
Here’s how Alfie used this approach:
Peg: Hey, Fatty, how did work go today?
Alfie: I feel angry when you call me “Fatty,” so I won’t talk with you when you use that word.
Peg: Well, you’ve got to admit you’ve put on a lot of weight in the last six months, Fatty.
Alfie: (Selective inattention: silence; keeps busy with what he is doing.)
Peg: Boy, are you supersensitive to constructive criticism. I am only trying to help you.
Alfie: (repeating succinct assertion statement) I feel angry when you call me “Fatty,” so I won’t talk with you when you use words like that.
Peg: (Long silence.)
Alfie: (changing the subject) Sam is very excited about making the basketball team. I enjoy his enthusiasm for whatever he’s in.
Peg: Yes, he sure enjoys his basketball.
Several hours later:
Peg: What will we watch on TV tonight, Fatty?
Alfie: (Selective inattention: silence.)
Peg: I’m interested in that new series on the Public Broadcasting System. The one about the people who made some of the greatest medical breakthroughs. I think it starts at eight-thirty.
Alfie: I’d like to see that, too.
Next morning at breakfast:
Peg: What time shall we leave for the Smythes’ party tonight, Fatty?
Alfie: (Selective inattention: silence.)
Peg: Oh—are you still into that?
People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts Page 24