9Albert Scheflen with Norman Ashcroft , Human Territories: How We Behave in Space-Time (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1976), p. 167.
10Eliot Howard , Territory in Bird Life (London: William Collins, 1920). See also Konrad Lorenz, On Aggression, trans. Marjorie Wilson (New York: Bantam, 1967). Robert Ardrey, though not a scientist, did much to popularize the research and theories of numerous scholars in this book The Territorial Imperative: A Personal Inquiry into Animal Origins of Property and Nations (New York: Atheneum, 1968).
11Lois Timmins , Understanding through Communication (Springfield, Ill.: Charles C. Thomas, 1972), pp. 116-117.
12Quoted in Gerald Kennedy , Fresh Every Morning (New York: Harper & Row, 1966), p. 75.
13Abraham Maslow , in Challenge of Humanistic Psychology , edited by James Bugental (New York: McGraw Hill, 1967), pp. 280-81.
14Thomas Moriarity , “A Nation of Willing Victims,” Psychology Today, April 1955, pp. 43-50.
15Carolina Maria de Jesus , Child of the Dark: The Diary of Carolina Maria de Jesus , trans. David Saint Clair (New York: Signet, 1962), p. 47.
16Many years ago Dr. Martin Seldman introduced me to assertion training. Our numerous conversations and his assertion training classes have had much influence on some of the assertion sections of this book. Some of Dr. Seldman’s ideas on the subject are found in Martin Seldman , Ph.D., and David Hermes , Personal Growth Thru Groups: A Collection of Methods (San Diego, Calif.: The We Care Foundation, Inc., 1975).
17Frederick Perls , Gestalt Therapy Verbatim (Lafayette Calif.: Real People Press, 1969). p. 19.
18The phrase is from George Bach and Herb Goldberg , Creative Aggression (Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, 1974), p. 43.
19As has been noted, the submissive person often controls the aggressive person, but this is a lose/lose kind of control. In the lose/lose situation, the submissive person does not do what she wants, and the aggressive person’s actions are frustrated.
20Robert Emmons and Michael Alberti , Stand Up, Speak Out, Talk Back (New York: Pocket Books, 1975), p. 39. See also Arthur Lange and Patricia Jakubowski, Responsible Assertive Behavior, p. 53.
21Quoted in Marshall Rosenberg , A Manual for Responsible Thinking and Communicating (Saint Louis: Community Psychological Consultants, 1972), p. v.
22Byron Butler , quoted in Lawrence LeShan , “Psychological States as Factors in the Development of Malignant Disease: A Critical Review,” Journal of the National Cancer Institute, 22, no. 1 (1959).
23Bach and Goldberg , Creative Aggression , pp. 194ff.
24Thomas Huxley , The Struggle for Existence: A Programme (London, 1888). Many scientists believe Huxley’s emphasis on destruction and competition was a serious distortion of Darwin’s theory and that it is contradicted by evidence from the world of nature. See, for example, Peter Kropotkin, Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution (London, Heinemann, 1902).
25Quoted in Fortune, May 1973.
26Esther 7:10 (Moffatt translation).
27The Essaies of Sir Francis Bacon (London: John Beale, 1612).
28Georg Bach and Ronald Deutsch , Pairing (New York: Peter H. Wyden, 1970), p. 53.
29Quoted in Albert Camus , The Rebel: An Essay on Man in Revolt , revised and translated by Anthony Bower (New York: Vintage Books, 1958), p. 251.
30Albert Speer , Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs of Albert Speer (New York: Macmillan, 1970).
31Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer , Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No (New York: David McKay, 1975), p. 14.
32Howard Clinebell, Jr. and Charlotte Clinebell , The Intimate Marriage (New York: Harper & Row, 1943), p. 179.
33Harry Emerson Fosdick , On Being a Real Person (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1943), p. 179.
Chapter Nine:
Developing Three-Part
Assertion Messages
1David Seabury , The Art of Selfishness (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1964), p. 59.
2Manuel Smith , When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope—Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy (New York: Dial Press, 1975), pp. 7-14.
3Many assertiveness trainers disagree. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons claim, “It almost doesn’t matter what you say!” Stand Up, Speak Out, Talk Back (New York: Pocket Books, 1975), p. 85. In their earlier pioneering work they said, “Although what you say is clearly important, it is often less important than most of us generally believe.” Your Perfect Right, 2nd ed. (San Luis Obispo, Calif.: Impact, 1974), p. 32. By contrast, my colleagues and I believe that what you say, your precision of speech in assertion situations, is usually more important than most of us believe.
4Thomas Gordon , Parent Effectiveness Training: The “No-Lose” Program for Raising Responsible Children (New York: Peter Wyden, 1970), p. 108.
5John Wallen’s unpublished paper “Behavior Description: A Basic Communication Skill for Improving Interpersonal Relations” (1970) has been a helpful resource here.
6Hazen Werner , “In Marriage—Tremendous Trifles Count,” Together, February 1962, pp. 19-21.
7Andrew Salter , Conditioned Reflex Therapy: The Direct Approach to the Reconstruction of Personality (New York: Capricorn Books, 1949).
8John Powell , The Secret of Staying in Love (Niles, Ohio: Argus Communications, 1974), p. 108. Reprinted from The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell © 1974 Argus Communications. Used with permission from Argus Communications, Niles, Illinois.
9Salter , Conditioned Reflex Therapy , p. 47.
10Thomas Gordon with Noel Burch , T.E.T.: Teacher Effectiveness Training (New York: Peter Wyden, 1974), p. 143. As far as I can ascertain, the three-part assertion message began with the two-part feedback message developed by the National Training Laboratory Institute. The feedback message included a nonjudgmental description of behavior and a disclosure of one’s feelings about that behavior. Dr. Gordon began to use that method and then he or one of his instructors added the “concrete or tangible effect,” a most significant improvement for many situations. Thomas Gordon calls these three-part messages “I Messages.”
11In teaching the three-part assertion message I have discovered that persons who do not want to confront in situations where there are tangible results (“because those things really don’t matter to me”) tend to have a strong desire to confront on values issues. When people become more assertive about matters where there is a tangible effect, it appears that there is a diminished desire to control other people’s values.
Chapter Ten:
Handling the
Push-Push Back Phenomenon
1Reuel Howe , The Miracle of Dialogue (New York: The Seabury Press, Inc., 1963), p. 84. Copyright © 1963 by The Seabury Press, Inc.
2Abraham Maslow , Toward a Psychology of Being, 2nd ed. (Princeton, N.J.: D. Van Nostrand, 1968), pp. 46-47.
3Gregory Baum , Man Becoming: God in Secular Experience (New York: Herder and Herder, 1971), pp. 49, 54.
4Jack Gibb , “Defense Level and Influence Potential in Small Groups,” in Leadership and Interpersonal Behavior, edited by Luigi Petrullo and Bernard M. Bass (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1961), pp. 66-81.
5Carl Rogers , Carl Rogers on Encounter Groups (New York: Harper & Row, 1970), pp. 52-53.
6Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons , Stand Up, Speak-Out, Talk Back: The Key to Self-Assertive Behavior (New York: Pocket Boob, 1975), p. 90.
7Frederick Stoller , “A Stage for Trust,” in Encounter: The Theory and Practice of Encounter Groups, edited by Arthur Burton (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1970), p. 90.
8Richard Walton , Interpersonal Peacemaking: Confrontations and Third Party Consultation (Reading, Mass.: Addison Wesley, 1969), p. 86.
9Sharon and Gordon Bower have an interesting chapter on defensive responses in their book Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change (Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1976). The authors analyze the various ways people try to “detour” the asserter from her destination. There are significant differences between their approach t
o handling defensive responses and the methods advocated in this chapter.
10Allen Frank , “Conflict in the Classroom,” in Fred Jandt , Conflict Resolution through Communication (New York: Harper & Row, 1973), p. 249.
Chapter Eleven:
Increasing Your Assertive Options
1Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer, Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No! (New York: David McKay, 1975), p. 41.
2Sidney Jourard, The Transparent Self, rev. ed. (New York: Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971), pp. vii, viii.
3T. S. Eliot , The Elder Statesman (New York: Farrar, Straus, 1959), p. 102. A selection from The Elder Statesman by T. S. Eliot. Copyright © 1959 by Thomas Stearns Eliot. Reprinted with the permission of Farrar, Straus & Giroux, Inc., and Faber & Faber Ltd, London.
4Rollo May , Power and Innocence: A Search for the Sources of Violence (New York: Dell, 1972), p. 245.
5Basil of Caesarea, Longer Rule. Quoted in John McNeill , A History of the Cure of Souls (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1951), p. 95. A somewhat similar point of view is propounded by modern psychologists.
6John Powell , The Secret of Staying in Love (Niles, Ill.: Argus Communications, 1974), p. 68. Reprinted from The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell © 1974 Argus Communications. Used with permission from Argus Communications, Niles, Illinois.
7Psalms, 12:2.
8Haim Ginott , Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems (New York: Macmillan, 1965).
9Gregor Piatigorsky , Cellist (New York: Doubleday, 1965).
10William Wordsworth , Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey , 1.33.
11Franklin Ernst Jr. Who’s Listening? A Handbook of the Transactional Analysis of the Listening Function (Vallejo, Calif.: Addresso ’set, 1973), p. 113.
12Paul Weiss and Jonathan Weiss present different points of view on this topic; see their book Right and Wrong: A Philosophical Dialogue between Father and Son (New York: Basic Books, 1967), pp. 46ff.
13George Prince , The Practice of Creativity: A Manual for Dynamic Group Problem Solving (New York: Harper & Row, 1970), p. 39.
14Ibid., p. 40.
15Ibid., p. 39.
16Erich Fromm , The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness (Greenwich, Conn.: Fawcett Publications, 1973), p. 224.
17Quoted in Rudolf Dreikurs and Pearl Cassel , Discipline without Tears , 2nd ed. (New York: Hawthorn Books, 1972), p. 65.
18Rudolf Dreikurs with Vicki Soltz , Children: The Challenge (New York: Hawthorn Books, 1964), pp. 72-75. For a contrasting viewpoint, see B. F. Skinner , About Behaviorism (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1974).
19Rudolf Dreikurs , Bernice Grunwald , and Floy Pepper , Maintaining Sanity in the Classroom: Illustrated Teaching Techniques (New York: Harper & Row, 1971) p. 81.
20Haim Ginott , Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems (New York: Macmillan, 1965) has a helpful chapter on the topic of this section: pp. 91ff.
21Compare Mark 3:5 and Matthew 23:1-36; see Hosea 11:9.
22Manuel Smith , When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How To Cope—Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy (New York: Dial Press, 1975), and Fensterheim and Baer, Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No!
23Weiss and Weiss, Right and Wrong, p. 79.
24Albert Camus , The Rebel: An Essay on Man in Revolt (New York: Vintage Boob, 1958) emphasizes the danger of an exclusively negative focus and the importance of being aware of the affirmations that lie behind one’s no, pp. 13ff.
25Matthew 5:37. Some translators render the second sentence, “Anything more than this comes from evil.”
26For greater detail on this method, see Thomas Gordon with Noel Burch , T.E.T.: Teacher Effectiveness Training (New York: Peter Wyden, 1974), pp. 156ff.
PART FOUR:
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS
1Harvey Seifert and Howard Clinebell, Jr. , Personal Growth and Social Change: A Guide for Ministers and Laymen as Change Agents (Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1969), p. 174.
Chapter Twelve:
Conflict Prevention and Control
1Richard Walton , Interpersonal Peacemaking: Confrontations and Third Party Consultation (Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1969), p. 5. Italics are his. Reprinted with permission.
2Alexander Hamilton , James Madison , and John Jay , Federalist Papers , No. 10. (New York: New American Library, 1961.)
3Florence Allshorn , The Notebooks of Florence Allshorn (London: SCM Press, 1957), p. 66.
4J. H. Oldham , Florence Allshorn and the Story of St. Julians (London: SCM Press, 1951), p. 88.
5Gibson Winter , Love and Conflict: New Patterns in Family Life (Garden City, N. Y.: Doubleday, 1958), pp. 102-4. Italics added.
6Harry Harlow , “Affectional Responses in Infant Monkeys,” Science 130 (1959).
7Konrad Lorenz , On Aggression (New York: Harcourt, Brace and World, 1966).
8Stanley Coopersmith , The Antecedents of Self-Esteem (San Francisco: W. H. Freeman, 1967).
9John Dewey , Human Nature and Conduct (New York: Modern Library, 1930), p. 300.
10Lewis Coser , The Functions of Social Conflict (Glencoe, Ill.: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1956).
11McAlister Coleman , Men and Coal (New York: Farrar and Rinehart, 1943).
12Walton , Interpersonal Peacemaking , p. 5.
13Muzafer Sherif , O. Harvey , B. White , W. Hood , and Carolyn Sherif , lntergroup Conflict and Cooperation: The Robber’s Cave Experiment (Norman, Okla.: University Book Exchange, 1961).
14Robert Blake and Jane Mouton , Group Dynamics: Key to Decision Making (Houston: Gulf, 1961).
15Ruth Benedict’s ideas on this subject were preserved and expanded upon by psychologist Abraham Maslow. See also Maslow’s “Synergy in the Society and in the Individual,” Journal of Individual Psychology, 20 (1964) and his Eupsychian Management (Homewood, Ill.: Irwin, 1965), pp. 88-107.
16Albert Ellis has written many books on this subject. One of the most popular is Albert Ellis and Robert Harper, A New Guide to Rational Living (North Hollywood, Calif.: Wilshire, 1975).
17Roger Fisher , “Fractionating Conflict,” in International Conflict and Behavioral Sciences: The Craigville Papers, edited by Roger Fisher (New York: Basic Books, 1964), pp. 91-110.
18Ibid., pp. 91-110.
19Eugene Litwak , “Models of Bureaucracy Which Permit Conflict,” American Journal of Sociology 67 (1961); 177-184.
20Rensis Likert and Jane Likert , New Ways of Managing Conflict (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1976).
21Robert Nye , Conflict among Humans (New York: Springer, 1973), p. 93.
22Robert Blake , Herbert Shepherd , and Jane Mouton , Managing Intergroup Conflict in Industry (Houston: Gulf, 1964), pp. 18-33.
23Robert Blood , “Resolving Family Conflicts,” in Conflict Resolution Through Communication , edited by Fred Jandt (New York: Harper & Row, 1973), p. 230.
24Daniel Katz , “Current and Needed Psychological Research in International Relations,” in Conflict Resolution: Contributions of the Behavioral Sciences, edited by Clagett Smith (Notre Dame, Inc.: University of Notre Dame Press, 1971), p. 86.
25Orson Bean , Me and the Orgone (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1971), pp. 26-27, 112-113. Bean’s book is the story of his attempt to incorporate Wilhelm Reich’s insights into his own daily life.
Chapter Thirteen:
Handling the Emotional
Components of Conflict
1John Powell , The Secret of Staying in Love (Niles, Ill.: Argus Communications, 1974), p. 74. Reprinted from The Secret of Staying in Love by John Powell © 1974 Argus Communications. Used with permission from Argus Communications, Niles, Illinois.
2George Odiorne , Objectives—focused Management (New York: Amacom, 1974), p. 35.
3Clark Moustakas , Who Will Listen? Children and Parents in Therapy (New York: Ballantine Boob, 1975), pp. 12-13.
4Martin Buber , The Knowledge of Man, edited by Maurice Friedman (New York: Harper & Row, 1967), p. 69.
5Carl Rogers , On Becoming a Pe
rson: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961), p. 332. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co. Italics are in the original. Rogers’ thinking on this subject was originally presented in a speech at the Centennial Conference on Communications at Northwestern University in 1951. A quarter of a century earlier Elliott Dunlop Smith proposed that managers take a fresh look at a topic under discussion by viewing it from the perspective of the other person. In his book Psychology for Executives (New York: Harper, 1928), he called this “the bilateral check.”
6Quoted in Carl Rogers, Carl Rogers on Personal Power (New York: Delacorte Press, 1977), p. 123.
7Richard Cabot, M.D., quoted in a manuscript by George Peabody. Italics are mine.
8Philip Roth , Portnoy’s Complaint (New York: Random House, 1969).
9William Shakespeare , Julius Caesar . Some people complain that these communication skills can be used for evil purposes as well as for good purposes. That’s true; they can be used manipulatively. Anthony’s speech in Julius Caesar is an example of this. It is clear from the whole play that Mark Anthony was an unscrupulous man manipulating the crowd. Like all good things—intelligence, charisma, wealth, fire, and so on—these skills can be used for direct mutual communication by people of integrity, or they can be used manipulatively. My goal in writing this book is to foster genuine interaction.
10George Bach and Herb Goldberg , Creative Aggression (Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, 1974), p. 379.
11Several of these questions come from George Bach and Peter Wyden , The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage (New York: William Morrow, 1964), p. 94.
12Rogers, On Becoming a Person , p. 332. Copyright © 1961 by Carl R. Rogers . Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Co., and that of Constable Publishers, London.
13Rogers, Carl Rogers on Personal Power , pp. 129-33. This group interaction was filmed; the result, the movie The Steel Shutter, is available for rental through the Center for Studies of the Person, 1125 Torrey Pines Road, LaJolla, California 92037.
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