by Cherry Adair
Her knees wobbled as she kept moving, kept walking. Her feet moved in time to her erratic heartbeat. Her mind raced, her breath quickened and her stomach did another pitch and roll.
She'd survived the plane.
Her oldest fear conquered.
But now there was a new fear.
Living, breathing inside her.
Derek was safe.
Their adventure was over.
And so was her special time with him.
Practically on the other side of the small hospital, Lily spotted the next bathroom sign and kept her attention focused on the letters until she could slap open the door beneath.
The bathroom door opened on hydraulic hinges. Stepping inside, Lily pushed at the enormous handle with both hands. The door was closing, but not fast enough. She pressed her palms and full weight against it as panic clawed at her.
Her breath caught, strangling her.
Stomach spinning wildly, she stumbled across the small room and fell to her knees and immediately emptied her stomach into the toilet.
She wanted to blame what she was feeling on fatigue. But that wasn't the problem. Sleep deprivation was par for the course during the race, and also in her profession, and it had simply been amplified by the conditions of the race.
The race. It seemed a lifetime ago. That was someone else—someone she didn't know anymore. Or rather didn't feel.
She'd come to Alaska to find herself, yet she now felt more lost and confused than before. She couldn't fathom what would come next. Was she supposed to just go back to being a vet now? Forget the sniper, the bodies, the bomb?
Forget Derek?
The thought settled over her like a cement cloak. Was this it?
Maybe, maybe she could forget the thrill of her adventure. Not. She could live a hundred years and she would never forget the onslaught of adrenaline that had driven her through these last hours.
She shook her head, hoping her jumbled thoughts might fall accurately into place like pool balls landing in their pockets. It didn't help. She was a mass of conflicting emotions. Her whole life was askew.
Just days earlier she had thought the only thing she really wanted was peace and serenity. But she had tasted life with Derek and she was greedy for more.
But more wasn't an option and less made her want to scream.
Her whole body quivered as she clung to the cold porcelain and when she was finally finished throwing up, she curled weakly on the floor. It was cold and smelled of antiseptic. But she didn't give a damn. A sob crested and broke, followed by another, and another.
Fist pressed against her mouth to muffle her sobs, Lily didn't hear the door whoosh open behind her.
"Ah, sweetie. Of course you're crying," a woman's soft voice said from close by. "No. Don't try holding back because I've invaded your space, baby, cry it out."
She couldn't have stopped the tears if someone had pointed a gun at her and demanded silence. Nothing could stop them now that they'd finally begun. Lily had never felt so alone. So empty. So…
Somehow, she found herself sitting up and gathered against a maternal chest without quite knowing how it happened. She vaguely recognized the woman as Sunny, Geoffrey Wright's bride-to-be. And she was pitifully grateful for the warm embrace and the comforting sound of her voice.
"That's right." Sunny rocked her while smoothing a hand up and down her back. "Cry it out, sweetie, just cry it out. I'm right here."
Lily's throat felt raw, her chest hurt, her head ached—and the tears kept coming. Great wracking sobs broke like crashing waves, one after the other, from an endless well deep inside her. She wrapped her arms about Sunny's waist and buried her wet face against the woman's soft shoulder and continued blubbering like a baby. And through it all, Sunny sat on the floor rocking and stroking, stroking and rocking.
Derek was safe.
They'd survived everything by working together.
She'd found more than she'd ever expected to find in the shelter of Derek's arms—and now she had to give it all back.
She had to return to her life. Alone.
If she'd imagined a man like Derek far beyond her reach before, that reality was now magnified by his secret life. What could she possibly have to offer a man whose life was filled with events like this?
Danger. Adventure. Excitement.
She'd never had any illusions. The only comfort she could derive from the last few weeks would be that Derek genuinely seemed to care for her. Not love her, no matter what he'd blurted out in the heat of a terrifying race to get to the bad guys. No. She understood where those words had come from. Not from the heart, but from the heat of the moment.
She understood. She really did.
But it didn't make the weight in her chest any lighter.
How could she live without him?
"A little better?" Sunny asked when Lily pulled away. She reached out and snagged a long strip of toilet paper and handed it to her.
"Not better, but calmer, I hope. I feel like an i-idiot," Lily told her thickly, wiping cheeks that felt sunburned.
"Blow your nose, sweetie." Lily honked and Sunny smiled. "And again, that's a good girl. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You've had an action-packed few days of it. Anyone would cry after everything you've been through."
Sunny, a slightly overweight, middle-aged woman with the prettiest skin Lily had ever seen, and a smile as understanding and cheerful as her name, got to her feet. "Let's get you feeling more comfortable." She flushed the toilet and turned on the tap.
Pulling a small plastic cup free from the dispenser, she filled it and handed it to Lily. "You need to replace all the liquid you lost. Keep refilling this bitty-little thing while I go and find a nice washcloth. I'll be right back."
"D—" Lily couldn't make her throat work, but Sunny seemed to understand.
"I'll check on him and report back. Drink." The door slowly swooshed closed behind her.
Lily leaned against the wall beside the sink and let the water run. She gulped down the contents of the paper cup and refilled it. Over and over again. She was parched; her throat felt as though she'd been screaming for days. Raw and dry. And her eyes were painfully swollen. Bending over the sink, she splashed the icy water against her face and didn't feel the slightest bit better.
"Pathetic fool!" she told herself in a husky croak. She didn't even have the energy to mock herself for her outburst.
She had absolutely nothing to cry about. Derek was safe. And she barely had a scratch on her. Her eyes welled all over again.
The door whooshed open. "Oh, sweetie…" Sunny wrapped her arms about Lily and hustled her out of the bathroom and a short distance down the hall. The next thing Lily knew, she was lying on a bed, and Sunny was pulling the covers over her.
"Now let me put this nice cold cloth over those poor swollen eyes of yours, and I'll tell you all about your mule-headed man."
"How's she doing?" Marnie stuck her head around the door.
Derek waved his sister in. "Still sleeping," he whispered back.
"The doctor allowed you to come in here because you promised to lie on the other bed." His sister didn't look the least surprised to see him sitting beside Lily in an uncomfortable plastic chair instead of flat on his back. She shook her head. "Don't you have a crick in your neck sitting like that?"
"I'm fine." This was the only way he could sit and hold Lily's hand at the same time. He wasn't letting go, no matter how awkward it was.
"Our plane's been refueled," she told him quietly. "Dad's getting everyone over to the airport, then he'll send a car back for you guys—Hang on a sec." She went back into the hallway, and Derek could hear her whispering to his brothers.
She stuck her head around. "Michael says do you want a wheelchair? Don't roll your eyes at me, pal. I'm just the messenger—Hang on." She popped out again—and back. "For Lily, numbnuts—Hey!" she complained, realizing what she'd just parroted. "You guys! Talk to each other. See you on the plane." She blew Derek a
kiss, then disappeared.
Huntington, Michael, Kyle, Kane and their brother-in-law, Jake, all crowded into the room. "We'll hang with you until it's time to split," Kane told him softly, leaning against the wall with his arms folded for the duration.
It's what he would've done for any of the men standing there like sentinels guarding the door, Derek thought, feeling a rush of love for the combined Wrights. Family. Nothing like it.
"Where are the wives?" he asked, leaning over to brush strands of hair off Lily's cheek. Even after several hours, her face was still flushed from crying. When Sunny had come to find him, he hadn't been able to get to Lily fast enough.
"Dad and Sunny are taking them to the hotel to collect our stuff," Michael answered, watching him with his good eye. He hadn't bothered with the prosthetic. Probably because of the cold. The patch suited him. "They'll meet us there."
He checked out Derek's face. "I knew you were always jealous of my patch. You just have to copy me, don't you? What'd you do? Beg some tango to sock you one, sissy boy?"
"Actually," Derek grinned, "Lily did the deed. With the stock of her rifle. I'm grateful she didn't shoot me."
The other men glanced at the bed with new respect. "Oh, I like her already," Kyle said, his blue eyes alight with laughter. "And here we all thought you were going to make a few bucks by winning this race. You've certainly had an exciting couple of days, haven't you?"
"You don't know the half of it," Derek said soberly.
"The second we were cleared for takeoff we were on our way," Hunt told him. "We passed in flight, us going, you coming. That's how I intercepted Lily. I hailed you. You were clearly taking a nap, and I turned around. You owe me an exciting mission sometime soon, old son."
"Talking a beautiful woman down wasn't enough excitement for you?" Derek mocked.
Hunt's lips twitched. He rarely smiled. "Not if I'm not the guy who ends up with the girl, it's not."
"What's the word on our target?" Derek looked from one to the other. "Everyone rounded up? Did we save the world?"
"Hell, yeah," Jake told him. "You didn't leave many bad guys to clean up. Selfish of you."
"Got the job done," Derek told them modestly.
"With a little help from a friend," Lily mumbled groggily from the bed.
They all turned to look at her.
Shooting a dispositive glance at his brothers, Derek said mildly, "Get lost."
Within seconds they were up, out and the door was closing behind them.
"How's your arm?" Lily asked, voice raspy.
"Good." He cupped her hot cheek in his hand. "I'm sorry I made you cry."
She shrugged, avoiding his eyes. "Too much stress. Adrenaline overload. I'm a doctor. I know these things." What was going on in that active brain? Not happy thoughts, Derek saw with a painful twist to his heart. Oh, Lily.
He crooked a finger under her chin to turn her face up to his. Her head moved, but she refused to look at him, effectively slamming a door shut between them. Derek's heart literally ached. After everything they'd shared, she still refused to accept this magical thing between them. How could she pretend not to see it? Feel it? He knew with every fiber of his being that they belonged together. He was sure she felt it, too; now he just needed to get her to admit it.
"Look at me, Lily." Her lashes fluttered upward until her hazel eyes fixed on his face. "I'm sorry as hell that you had to go through everything that happened there at the end, but I'm not sorry for everything that happened before."
"Me, neither," she assured him in a too bright voice. "Business as usual is sure as hell going to be dull after defusing a bomb and flying a plane."
His arm ached like fire, and he shifted in the hard plastic chair. She shifted at the same time, and his hand dropped from her face. He sat back, missing the contact, feeling the gulf between them widen. "That's not what I was talking about."
A frown pleated her brow. "Oh. You mean the sex? That was spectacular, too."
Derek closed his eyes, feeling as though someone had punched him in the solar plexus. "Jesus, Lily."
"Well, it was."
"Is that all we had? Spectacular sex?"
"I wouldn't say all so dismissively," Lily assured him, keeping eye contact, but not able to hide the flash of vulnerability he saw in her eyes. "Spectacular, toe-curling sex is nothing to be sneered a—"
"Shut up," he said furiously. "Just shut the hell up." He rose and looked down at her. Small, belligerent and so afraid she could barely make eye contact. Jesus, Lily, what the hell am I going to do with you?
He started walking toward the door. She didn't say anything, and he could tell she was holding her breath. He turned with his hand on the door handle. "Everyone said how brave you were. But you know what, Lily? You're acting like a damn coward, because you won't believe me and you sure as hell won't believe your heart. And rather than take a risk that what we're feeling couldn't last a lifetime, you'll play it safe, never knowing how long we'll last because you won't take a chance on happiness." He yanked open the door. "Maybe, just maybe not everyone you care about will end up abandoning you."
She frowned. "Nobody's abandoned me. What are you tal—"
"Your mother—"
"Died," Lily said in a small voice.
"Abandoned you by dying," he want on ruthlessly. "And your father abandoned you by remarrying and focusing his attention on his new wife and son."
Her chin tilted even as her eyes filled. "I don't feel that way about them."
"Don't you?"
"No. I love my father, and adore Matt."
"Nice to know. But you still took your father's defection as being abandoned, Lily. I know you."
"No, you don't."
"Sean abandoned you by cheating on you. Do you want me to go on?"
"I want you to go and get yourself a shingle and start practicing for real. You seem to believe the nonsense you're telling me."
"Haven't you wondered why it is you refuse to believe how much I care for you?" He shook his head when she didn't answer, fury and frustration vying for first place. Infuriatingly stubborn woman. "You won't risk all we can have because you think that like everyone else in your life you've loved, I'll walk. Isn't that right?"
She turned her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. Closed him out.
He ached to go to her, to grab her up and shake some sense into her. To hold her in his arms and assure her that he was in it for the long haul. The hard metal doorknob bit into his fingers as he clenched his hand around it.
This was something Lily was going to have to figure out on her own. For once the sheer force of his will wasn't going to fix it. He swallowed regret, and felt the sting of disappointment blur his vision.
Battle forfeited. But he hadn't lost the war.
"I'll send someone to get you when we're ready to leave." He shut the door quietly behind him.
Damn it to hell.
Twenty
"Your problem is, you bought into Sean's bullshit and lies instead of trusting Derek," Matt told Lily, bringing two mugs of his truly awful coffee to her as she sat at his kitchen table on a bleak Friday night.
It was more than a week after they'd returned home, and Lily felt as though someone had performed open heart surgery on her with a dull spoon. And forgotten to close.
"What's this? A very lame attempt to apply theories you learned in ten weeks of Psych 101?" She took a gulp of scalding-hot coffee and pulled a face. "Ew! How can anyone screw up with a Mr. Coffee?"
"How can anyone screw up when a decent guy loves her?"
"I know he wants me." She turned the mug in the wet ring on the Formica table, before looking up at her brother with a scowl. "As your older sister, that's not even close to the same thing."
Matt seated himself opposite her and shook his head. "Listen to yourself, for God's sake, Lily. You're splitting nonexistent hairs. The man's clearly nuts about you. Shit, I'm just nuts trying to get through to you. I'm a guy. If I can see it, why can't y
ou?"
"Because you are a guy," Lily told him dryly. "It's that whole Mars-Venus thing."
"It's the whole Sean bullcrapola thing. That slugbelly never told a word of truth in his miserable life. I can't begin to understand why, knowing what he was, you'd believed him and not Derek."
"I don't," Lily said quietly, feeling miserable down to her toes. "I don't believe the things Sean told me about Derek, but if I let go of that illusion—"
"What? What'll happen if you allow yourself the happiness Derek so clearly wants to give you?"
"Shit, you're like a pane of glass," her brother said, clearly exasperated. "Not to be confused with a pain in the ass, which is also true. You keep wondering if he's going to let you down—note, I said if, not even when, right?" He shook his head, gulped coffee and grimaced as he slammed down his mug. "You think he'll do what Sean did and cheat on you. You think if you give him all you've got he'll eventually walk away and leave you with nothing in reserve. Admit it."
Lily stared at this brother of her heart. "Yes," she whispered, chest aching. "That's exactly what I think." She rubbed the ache behind her eyes. "No—Okay. No. That's not what I—Damn it. I don't know what to think anymore."
"Well, start thinking something," he said with brotherly candor. "Because we guys have fragile egos—we can only stand to hear so many no's before we turn tail and run like hell."
"My point exactly."
Matt rolled his eyes and pushed off the table with both hands. "Want some brandy with that?"
"No."
"Good thing. I don't have any." He fell back into his seat. "You drive a sane man to drink."
"Sorry." Lily's throat ached and her chest felt tight. "How can I make my head believe my heart, Matt?" she asked achingly. "How can I make myself trust on just blind faith that he won't break my heart?"
"How's that heart feel right now?" he asked quietly.
"Point taken."