by Vivian Lux
I started to panic. My tears were making me weak. "No! I swore I would never tell!"
"Are you pregnant?"
"Jesus! No!"
"Is someone hurting you?"
"No! No one is hurting me!"
"But?"
"Stop!"
My father's voice was low, so low I felt it more than I heard it. "Alexandra, in this family we do the right thing no matter how difficult it is."
I choked out a sob. "I don't know what the right thing is."
"Then let us help you figure it out."
I laid my head down on the table and pressed my cheek into the cool wood. I could see out the back window, out to where Sarah was happily playing outside. She was loved and cared for, clean and well-fed. I thought of those two ghost-like little boys, wide-eyed and frightened, moving like shadows, haunted by the horrors of their young life. And the overburdened brother, so ready to save them at the expense of his own sanity and safety. He couldn't watch them all the time. He shouldn't have to be so vigilant. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.
"You can help?" I breathed.
My parents looked at each other as I slowly lifted my head from the table. "You have to promise not to tell anyone, okay? He made me promise."
"Lexi, we'll do what we can."
And then I did it. I unloaded my terrible burden on my parents, unable to last even a fraction as long as Casey had. I opened my mouth and I betrayed his trust, feeling small and weak but glad to tell.
There was a pause that stretched out longer than my life thus far.
And then it all happened at once. My father leapt from the chair and made for the wall phone. I screamed and lunged for him, but my mother grabbed my shirt and held me back while I sobbed, "No! Dad! Stop! I promised I wouldn't tell, you can't tell anyone!"
My mother held me close. "Your father is a mandatory reporter, Alexandra. He has to tell, by law."
My knees gave out and I sank slowly to the floor, my heart thudding so loudly in my ears that my parents' voices were only faint murmurs in the background. I knew my Dad was talking to his partner, heard the words "protective services." My mother smoothed back my hair and murmured empty words about doing the right thing
When the van came back, it looked like the same one I had seen, was it only two years ago? I stood on the porch and gnawed my fingernails down to nubs as I watched the three blond heads troop out of the house. They each had a plastic bag of clothes.
That was it. One bag each.
As the van pulled out of the driveway, I wanted to see the mother come running out after them. I wanted to believe she would at least have the decency to chase after her children.
The rest of the neighborhood was eerily silent. No one had seen what happened in the house. And now no one wanted to see the aftermath.
I was their only witness.
I stood stock still as the van pulled down the street, heading the wrong way towards the park. They were going to have to loop back around. It was just enough time for Casey to look out the back of the van and see me watching him. His face was a mask of rage and betrayal as he soundlessly shouted my name.
I never saw him again, except in my dreams and my waking nightmares. No one knew what happened to the boys down the street. Only that the mother disappeared not long afterward, leaving the grass to grow long and wild and the junkmail to pile up on the porch. The house sat empty and silent, a judgment on the neighborhood that no one dared claim. There were rumors of owners in Florida, but they never showed up to take it back. It seemed no one wanted to own what had happened under our very noses.
I never saw him again. Until right now.
Chapter 25
Case
She wasn't saying anything. She was only mouthing the word, "No." Over and over again.
It seemed like they had come face to face hours ago, but when the spell of her gaze broke, he looked up and realized only seconds had passed. Crash was still maneuvering his bad leg out of the driver's seat. J. and Emmy were still coming around the corner to greet the new arrivals.
He felt like he wanted to run in a million directions at once. And so he started moving. Blindly he turned away from the warm brown eyes of his dreams and flung himself away from her, colliding with J. as his best friend stepped into the sunlight.
"Whoa, what the fuck, watch out man!'
"Don't you fucking touch me!" Case shoved him away.
"Hey! Asshole! What the shit is this?"
Case didn't answer, only flung his fist through the air. His aim was wild and J. stepped easily out of the way, leaping on to the bigger man's back. "Hey! What the fuck has gotten into you!"
"Hey!" There were suddenly way too many hands on him, grabbing and clutching and holding him down. He lashed out, blind to the worried faces above him, only wanting to fight. With an animal roar he lunged for his attackers, with murder in his heart.
And then he saw her again. Lexi stared at him, and her eyes were filled with horror. For five years he had dreamed of those eyes. To see them look at him that way now was more than he could bear.
With a roar of strength made superhuman with grief, he flung his assailants away, and sprinted blindly for the bunkhouse. He couldn't take the pain. He needed to dull the hurt.
Frantically he grabbed a whiskey bottle from off the shelf of the kitchenette. Tongues of fire licked down his throat as he gulped it back. But it wasn't enough. He could still feel the pain, squeezing at his heart with icy fingers.
There was a new shipment of pills in the bunkhouse, stashed away from the rest of the party. He dropped to his knees at his bunk and pulled the case out from its hiding place. Four, twenty, what did it matter how many he took? All that mattered was that he stopped feeling this searing pain. He popped them into his mouth, over and over, chasing each with a slug from the bottle.
When he stood, the sensation hit him instantly and he fell backwards on to the cot as if he were dead.
Chapter 26
Lexi
"Don't worry about him, he's a moody bastard." Crash slid his hand around my waist as I stood fixed in place. I was so numb, I couldn't feel his fingers brush my skin. He nudged me forward and I stepped into the garage reluctantly. "Lexi? You okay?"
My mind finally clicked out of numb shock and started spinning wildly. I hadn't said anything. Casey hadn't said anything. No one knew why Case was acting that way. And I couldn't explain it to them. That would be too dangerous. I broke up Casey's family five years ago. I wasn't about to do it again.
"I'm okay." I swallowed and smiled. "I grew up in a family of girls. I'm not used to those kind of fights."
He chuckled. "Fists are easier than words, most of the time."
I nodded, trying to feign nonchalance.
The love of my life is there on the other side of that newly painted wall, and I can't say a word about it.
There was a noise and a cry went up from the rest of the guys that were standing around. "They're here!"
Crash brushed a casual kiss across my lips. "I gotta go take care of this. Just hang out for a sec, kay?"
I eyed the wall. "No problem," I nodded, inching slightly towards it.
No one was paying attention to me as several pickups and vans pulled in to the lot. I looked over my shoulder at the room where I knew Casey was. I mustered up my courage and pushed open the door.
The hinges screeched in protest and I froze, cringing. Casey was not sitting alone in the dark, like I had feared. He was passed out on a too small cot, a whiskey bottle still clutched in his hand. He was facing up to the ceiling and it gave me a start to once again see those lips that had given me the first and best kiss of my life.
Without thinking about it, I shut the door behind me. The noise of the new arrivals seemed to die away as I stepped closer, drawn to him. Wanting to see him.
He was huge. Five years ago, I knew he would be, but now the beard and the incredible muscles made him look unlike any twenty-two old I had ever encountered. I could almost be
lieve he was someone different from the boy of my past, except for the scar. His long golden hair had fallen back from his forehead. Even if I didn't know this was my first love before, that scar proved it. He was the same boy. The same man.
I felt a bubble in my chest burst. Words rose to my lips, demanding to be said, and him being asleep meant I could say them.
"Casey." His name caught in my throat, after so many years of not daring to say it out loud. "Casey, my god. I'm sorry. I am so sorry."
The relief of finally getting to say it broke a dam that had been holding back the flood of tears. I sank to the floor next to him, my breath hitching with each strangled sob. "I'm sorry Casey. I've been sorry forever," I wept. "I was so scared for you! I know you told me not to tell and I know I promised. I am so, so sorry."
He was unmoving but his skin was as warm as it was the day I first met him. I cried to feel it under my fingertips as I smoothed the honeyed hair back from his forehead and pressed my lips to that scar. When my lips touched him, his chest hitched. Just once.
I placed my hand on his chest, hoping to soothe him back to sleep, feeling the warmth under my hand. "I thought I would never see you again," I whispered. "But here you are."
I kissed his forehead again and all the feelings I hadn't felt for five years came back to the surface. I realized why I could never muster feelings for the men I had tried to date. Everything I had ever wanted was wrapped up in the man that lay before me. The numbness I had felt since that day I destroyed his family and my happiness, fell away. I sobbed and sobbed as my heart broke wide open and feeling rushed back in.
Then the faint sips of sleeping breath changed. I pulled back from holding him to see his eyelids flutter. The ice blue was exactly as I remembered it and for the moment he looked at me with nothing but tenderness and love.
I bent to kiss him.
Our lips met, my stomach dropped, and the world fell away to have him again. I parted my lips and he snaked his hand into my hair the way he did that time before.
And then his eyes opened all the way and he pulled back and there was nothing but hatred in his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
I sat back on my heels, "What...?"
"You ruined one family, are you trying to ruin the next?"
"No, I...."
His eyes glittered with loathing. "Get the fuck out of here Alexandra." He sat up and took a slug from the whiskey bottle then threw it against the wall where it shattered into as many pieces as my heart. "I said get out!"
Chapter 27
Lexi
I was folding over myself, falling, falling, falling as my heart crashed down in flames. It was a pain unlike I had ever felt, searing and white-hot. I swallowed and gasped in panicked waves of nausea as tears flooded my eyes.
I had to run.
Whirling away from him, desperate to escape the pale blue eyes that burned with hatred, I flung open the bunkhouse door and rushed blindly into the thick crush of biker bodies. Grunts and cries of, "hey!" fell on my deafened ears as I hurried through them, searching, searching for something, anything to fill the hole where my heart used to be.
I ran into the freezing, darkened parking lot. With a choked back sob, I searched wildly for an escape. Something to blunt the sharp pain of being myself. I couldn't take feeling this awful anymore.
The weak yellow light of a single feeble streetlamp caught the top of Crash's shorn head. He was standing in a cluster of men, watching as a skinny kid set up bottles for target practice.
I saw my escape.
He was surrounded by armed bikers, all bearded and tattooed, with menacing scowls on their faces. But his face was alive with amusement, the good humor he always showed visible even in the dark.
He could be my escape.
I felt myself lurch towards him, pulled by the frantic magnetic force of my need. He heard my footfall on the frozen pavement and turned just in time to catch me as I flung myself into his arms.
He made a small sound of surprise that I silenced with a kiss. The dam that held me back inside had burst and now I was feeling every feeling that had been denied to me, for five long years, all at once.
I mashed my mouth into his, desperate and hot, wanting to consume him and be consumed in return. I couldn't stop myself, I leapt upward, wrapping my legs around his waist right there in front of everyone. He cupped his hands under my ass and I pulled myself into him, wanting desperately to disappear entirely.
"Holy shit, girl..." He was confused, but he didn't try to stop me. Instead I felt his desire harden against me. The wild flames of my mania burned hotter and I ground myself into it. All around us the bikers hooted and hollered as he carried me away, while I clutched and clawed at him. There were too many thoughts in my head. There were too many feelings in my body. It was too much to bear. I was overloaded and shut down completely, without thought or recognition. I was only a body that responded to his.
My back slammed into the wall of the building. We were in the shadows, hidden from sight and yet still out in public. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was that his lips were hot against mine. Our tongues met and mingled, sparring wildly as he clutched handfuls of my hair. I welcomed the pain and snaked my hands under his shirt to claw at the rock hard muscles of his chest. He hissed as my fingernails dug into his skin and yanked my head back to sink his teeth into my neck.
"I need to see you," he rasped against my ear. My body broke out into goosebumps as he yanked up my shirt and exposed my heaving breasts to the chill air. His hot mouth found the peak of my nipple and I heard a low, animal sound emanate from my throat. I clawed at his chest again, snaking my hands down to cup his firm buttocks and pull him closer, the throbbing in my core beating the same rhythm as the blood in my ears.
"Goddamnit, Lexi, I have been waiting for this," he panted in my ear as I felt a tug at the zipper of my jeans.
The sound of my name shocked me out of my numbness and brought me back to my senses. I squirmed a little and blinked against the cold wind. "Wait," I breathed.
"Tired of waiting," he rasped into my neck.
You're using him. Stop. This isn't fair. "Crash, wait," I begged, feeling the scalding hot blush of shame begin to lick at my cheeks.
"I'm fucking sick of waiting."
"I know, but please…"
A wave of pain crossed his face. "What is it, Lexi? Is it my leg? Is it my head?"
"No, of course not...."
"Then what? You think I'm just some sort of joke?" He pulled his face back from mine and I could see his eyes flash bright with anger. "You pity me, don't you?" When I didn't answer immediately, he stepped back and stared up into the dark sky. "Poor silly, crippled Crash, right?"
I felt a flash of anger. "God dammit that's not fair."
"Oh, I'm the one who isn't fair? What the fuck!" I jumped as he kicked the snow piled against the fence, sending a spray of ice into the air. He stalked away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Stop jerking me around, Lexi. Talk to me like I'm a fucking man."
"I am, just..." my teeth chattered in the cold and I struggled to make myself understood. Even though I didn't understand it myself. "Crash, I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" he echoed. The sneer in his voice snapped me out of my sadness and straight into anger.
I was shivering violently now, half from shock, half from the cold, but my rising anger warmed me. Stopping us before we took things too far was the right thing to do. And here I was, paying the price for doing the right thing yet again. I couldn't take it any more.
"Yes, I'm fucking sorry. Sorry for everything I ever did or didn't do." Spittle flew from my mouth as I choked back a sob. I didn't want to be sad any more. Being sad was fucking bullshit. "I was trying to do the right thing and you know what? It is the fucking right thing. It was the right thing. So I wish everyone would just lay the fuck off of me and do the right fucking thing too!"
Crash was staring at me, confusion and hurt in his eyes and I had to look away. I wasn't sc
reaming at him, that was pretty damn clear. I wasn't being fair to him at all. I recognized that, but I was too far gone in my own anger at injustice to stop myself. "This isn't fair!" I shouted, whirling around and kicking the snow.
"This isn't fair," I repeated as I sank to the ground.
Chapter 28
Case
The ceiling seemed farther away than it should. Case squinted at it, wondering what had changed, and then he wondered why his head was hurting so badly.
"Case."
That voice had been saying his name for hours. Maybe. Maybe it had been years. Maybe his whole life had been spent lying in his cot, staring at the far away ceiling, hoping not to feel anything.
"Case."
Turning his head was a lot of work, so he continued to stare straight ahead as he answered J. "What do you want?"
"You're scaring me, man."
He turned his head in tiny increments, not daring to take his eyes from the ceiling for fear that the world would turn upside down when he did. "Why?" Case asks dully.
"Do you even know what day it is?"
What a silly question. It was the day of the party of course. The day he saw… He didn't want to think her name. "Yeah." Then he paused. "I think so."
He heard the sound of J. standing up; the crinkle and brush of his leathers was the loudest sound in the world. It drilled like an ice pick through his ears and directly into his brain.
Case groaned. His throat was a desert.
"No I don't think you do. You've been lying here in your own drunken filth for four fucking days."
Case inhaled sharply. That hurt too. "No, you're lying."
"Why would I lie about this? Every time I thought you were getting up you'd just pop another pill and black the fuck out again. You're a fucking vegetable over her and it's pissing me off. You wanna turn into your mother?
Anger flooded his veins and he tried to lift himself off the cot to knock J. to the floor, but the room swam too violently before his eyes and he sat back down again and groaned. "Fuck you," he spat bitterly.