“It had to be done, my love. There was no other way to save the Fleet.”
“To hell with the Fleet! They can all burn as far as I care.”
“I would agree if not for the fact that you are here with them. I told you once that my life had no purpose and that was the truth, until now. Saving you gives meaning to all of the wretched things I’ve done.”
“I’m not worth it. If you save the Fleet, billions will die.”
“I would kill them a hundred times over if it means you will live. I would put out the stars themselves so that you might have a single breath more. Before we met, I did not understand love. It seemed like a weakness, a frailty bred out of soldiers like myself. Because of you I understand now what it means to be human, to have something to fight for, someone to die for.”
“You stupid, stupid man.” Her tears were flowing freely, glistening orbs which floated around her face.
“Please my love, no tears. Not for me. You must promise me now.” She nodded numbly. “Take me to the cockpit. I can’t seem to move my limbs at the moment and I must interface with the main systems if I am to save you.” Bella did as he asked, though she wanted to simply hold him.
Franklin saved her life that day but losing him made that victory a pyrrhic one. Having lived through two marriages and been a party to all the deaths which the Fleet brought with it, Bella had believed she understood loss. The tears she wept that night betrayed a weakness she believed she had grown beyond. He was not even gone but she felt his absence already. Bella let herself feel the pain for a long while before wiping her face and going to the medbay.
Franklin looked so small and vulnerable strapped to the mattress in the antiseptic room. His limbs were curled in on themselves, making him seem smaller still. Pulan worked in the corner of the room. When she entered, the alien looked at her with his eyeless face and shook his head slowly.
“Our condolences, Bella.” Pulan’s hollow voice seemed somehow appropriate to hear. “Franklin has asked us to leave the two of you alone.”
“Thank you, Pulan.” The alien’s form lost its human shape and he thrust himself out of the hatch as an undifferentiated mass of swirling beings. Bella wondered if they understood death the way a human would. If one of its atomo were destroyed, would they feel the loss as strongly as she did now or would they simply move on?
Bella floated to the side of the mattress and Franklin opened his eyes slowly. Bella saw tracings of silver branching out from his iris, mirroring the paths taken by his blood.
“Don’t mourn me yet, Annabella. At least wait until I die.”
“How can I not! Our time has been so short.”
“Appropriate for me, wouldn’t you say?” Usually she would smile at his self effacing humor but not today. “Come now, I made my choice with a clear conscience. We all die. What is one more dead soldier in the grand scheme of things?”
“You’re more than that to me, Franklin. I need you.”
“No, you don’t. Bella, you’re a survivor.” Franklin paused, his eyes searching her face for a long moment. “It’s amazing really. I can see your beauty more fully now than ever before. The nanocytes have augmented my vision. I can see every pore, every line, count every eyelash.” Bella started to turn away, knowing she must still look a wreck, eyes puffy and nose red. He reached out a hand and lightly turned her face back toward his. “No, I see so much more but each detail only makes you more beautiful. Your face is an expression of the soul within.”
“Soul?” Bella countered. “I thought you too rational for such things.”
“I believe in the soul as firmly as any preacher might. Every being that thinks is an expression of the divine in the world, even a wretch like me. I know I will rejoin that divine once my time here is done.”
“Do you really believe that or are you just saying it to soften the fact of your death?”
“Maybe a bit of both. I hope that a piece of me will live on in your heart. That’s enough immortality for me.” Franklin seemed to slump slightly. “Bella, I’m so tired. Will you stay with me while I rest?”
“I won’t leave your side.” Franklin smiled a little and he clasped her hand in his own. His eyes closed and Bella worried for a moment that he was dying but his breathing continued in ragged gasps. Bella slipped an arm and a leg into loops of cloth attached to the frame bringing her floating body next to his and slept.
The next days were a mixture of torment and joy which Bella could never hope to explain to another. She watched helplessly as the nanocytes cannibalized Franklin’s body. Still, she tried to capture as much of him in her memory while he remained. Little gestures, turns of phrase and a twinkle he occasionally got in his eyes which had nothing to do with the millions of machines trying to rebuild him in their image. When he finally passed, she knew it was a relief for him, that the struggle to stay alive had simply become too painful.
Bella felt nothing but grief for the next weeks. The ship and its inhabitants seemed grey and lifeless. Her appetite, prodigious since her gene therapy, faded to nothing. Omar checked on her every few hours but otherwise left her alone. Zane shied away from contact with her, seemingly unable to comprehend her grief. The only being which stayed with her was Pulan, or rather one atomo.
She had grown used to the creatures’ propinquity during the last few years. When not engaged in work or interacting with his human compatriots, Pulan tended to shed his atomo into fractions of varying sizes. It was common to see them tucked away into crevices and under workstations. It did not surprise her that one was in her quarters on the Finger. When it pushed against her leg though, it startled her.
The amorphous creature’s skin was much rougher than she had thought, like a cat’s tongue. It occurred to her that she could not recall the creatures, either singular or as an aggregate, making physical contact before. Bella reached out a hand and petted the creature lightly, not sure if the motion was appropriate.
“Hey little guy.” She said, knowing the creature would not be able to reply. “Did I lock you in here? I’m sorry. Here, let me get the door for you.” Bella moved to the hatch and opened it. The atomo remained where it was near her bunk, rocking slightly from side to side. Bella smiled softly.
“Are you trying to make me feel better? Thank you but I don’t want company.” The only response she got was a slight increase in the creature’s wobbling motion. Bella left the hatch cracked and returned to her bunk. “All right Pulan, you can stay. Just don’t go inviting all your friends in here.
The little being seemed to agree. It shifted itself upward and extended a tendril to latch onto the end of the bunk. It remained close but did not touch her again. Bella found that the fog in which she had hidden her mind was fading, driven away by the being’s presence. She still hurt more than she believed possible but sitting in the darkness with her silent companion made that grief bearable.
She began to whisper to the atomo, telling it about Franklin as though Pulan had never met the man. In truth, perhaps he had not known the man she had loved, just as she hid some parts of herself from the crew, pieces of her heart that she had only shared with Franklin. She told the creature of Franklin’s gentle touches, his kind eyes. In time she found herself smiling at memories of the small man. Finally, she tired of talking and closed her eyes. She slept deeply.
The creature was gone when she awoke. Bella cleaned herself up and dressed in silence. Once she felt presentable, she went looking for Pulan. She found him with Zane replacing circuitry blown by Price as he tried to destroy their ships. When she floated into the compartment, Pulan surprised her by speaking first.
“Zane, please check on the cockpit readings now.” Zane nodded and, with a quick glance at Bella, pulled himself out of the room. “Bella, we wish to apologize for our intrusion last night. As you know, our individual atomo lack the intelligence to deal appropriately with humans.”
“It’s ok. As a matter of fact, I came to thank you.”
“For what?”
>
“I needed someone to talk to, someone who could listen without judgment. Someone who wouldn’t tell me it was all going to be all right. Do you remember everything I said last night?”
“We do, but only in generalities. Individual atomo have a hard time understanding human speech beyond simple phrases. As near as we have been able to discern, your relationship with the human Franklin approached the consensus we share with our kind. We have often found it difficult to understand how other beings can exist in such isolation. An individual atomo left alone would soon perish.
“The atomo in your quarters feared your isolation would result in your death as well. Once it returned to consensus we reasoned that you would likely survive this experience. You existed as a solitary being successfully before joining the Fleet. It is our belief that you will continue to exist for some time to come. We hope that we are correct as this outcome is preferable to us.”
“Thank you, Pulan. I think you have reasoned correctly. Your continued existence is preferable to me as well.”
Chapter 15
The next months passed quickly for Bella. Her grief remained but it became bearable. Franklin had been right after all. She was a survivor. It was not herself that she worried about during these dark days.
Omar’s growing obsession with the nanocytes and their potential wore at her heart. He swore that Franklin had been able to distill the bugs for a successful implantation but Bella knew that they were too dangerous. If she had her way they would have been burned to ash by the Damascus’s engines.
Omar would not be dissuaded though, and the rest of the crew sided with him. Pulan believed they were worthy of further research, most notably the way the citizens of the system had used them to achieve what he called ‘an approximation of consensus.’ Zane saw them as a weapon, one which would make the Moving Finger a force to contend with. What Omar saw in the tiny machines she could not be sure but she thought he saw a chance at redemption, a means to make up for darkness hidden in his past.
So when the Fleet landed on the planet Lanis, Bella fought to protect the young girl Sasha. She tried to subvert Zane’s efforts by telling the girl about the ruthless nature of the Fleet. When she saw it wasn’t working, she shifted tactics and tried to force Omar’s hand, using his own threats against him. To her surprise, Omar’s obsession overruled his morals. Bella argued with him to no avail. Surprisingly, it was Zane who convinced her to stop fighting against them. His plea to allow the girl to make her own choice gave her pause. In the end, Omar had his way and the girl accompanied the Fleet when it left Lanis behind.
Bella thought Sasha was a sweet girl, if a little on the pushy side. She was always questioning, never satisfied with what she knew. Omar saw that as a good trait, a curiosity which would help her learn quicker. Bella knew that it was a two edged sword, and she feared a confrontation was inevitable when Omar tried to rein in the girl’s ambitions. Recalling how easily one man had neutralized the entire Fleet made her fear what the young lady was capable of. She avoided the girl when she could and spoke little to her when she could not.
So she was surprised when Sasha knocked on the door to her quarters on the Sikorsky. Bella invited her in and offered her something to drink.
“A beer.” Sasha replied.
“Ok, but you’ll have to wait a few years.” Bella replied, laughing.
“It hardly makes sense to hold me to rules like that. After all, I was treated like an adult when it was convenient to Omar’s plans. Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical to act like I’m some innocent girl now?”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.” Bella replied, unable to hide the defensiveness in her voice. “I know it’s been shown that alcohol isn’t good for a young woman’s developing body.”
“Did you know whether implanting a billion tiny machines into my bloodstream was good for my body?” Bella felt the words hit her like a slap in the face. She backed up and took a long look at the girl. There was a glint in her eyes that made Bella want to wince. She decided that the direct approach was the best one.
“What’s all this about, Sasha? Why all this anger toward me?” Sasha put her head down for a moment and when she looked up again she wore a more restrained expression.
“I’m sorry, Bella. It isn’t your fault, I know that. I’m just a little mad is all. You’re the only one I can trust.”
“What’s got you so down?” Bella’s mothering instinct kicked in. She patted her bunk and Sasha sat next to her.
“I’ve been reviewing everything related to the nanocytes, including conversations the crew had before I joined.”
“That sounds like an invasion of privacy.”
“Omar told me that in an advanced society there is no expectation of privacy. Besides, the conversations I’m upset about have to do with me. I thought I was being invited to join the crew of the Finger because I was special, not because you needed a lab rat.”
“You are special, Sasha. At least I’ve always thought so.”
“That’s why I came to you. I thought you didn’t like me at first. I realize now that you were protecting me. The rest of the crew just saw me as a means to an end.” Bella sighed.
“They’re just men, my dear.” She replied, feeling her true age settling into her bones. “They act without considering who they’ll hurt because they think they’re doing the right thing. To some extent, it isn’t their fault. Zane has some screwy genetics that make it hard for him to feel empathy. He may have hurt you with his thoughtlessness but he’s hurt himself much more.
“Omar is almost the opposite. He feels too much. Guilt for his past weighs on him like a boulder strapped to his back. He’d do anything to right the wrongs he perceives around him and we all get swept up in his wake. His decision to take you away from your home and give you the nanocytes was pragmatic and dangerous yes, but in his mind he was also giving you a chance at being something greater than you were. In a way, it’s the same chance he has given to the rest of us.” Bella sat back on her bunk and considered her own words. Sasha seemed to be considering them as well.
“So Omar meant well and Zane’s just damaged goods so I can’t blame them. No one can tell what Pulan is thinking so I guess I can’t judge him either.” Sasha paused. “It just seems unfair to put me through all this. It wasn’t what I thought I was getting into when I signed up.”
“Me either. Life is rarely fair. You can accept that and work to take advantage of what it has offered you or you can sit around thinking about what a raw deal you’ve gotten. I made a decision a long time ago to take up the gauntlets life throws my way. Sometimes that has meant great sorrow but the joys of other times outweigh it, at least for me.”
“Don’t you wish you could change things for the better around here?”
“Sure I do. That’s what Omar and I have been doing for years now. Your world was saved a lot of grief and loss as a result of our influence. Sometimes you can make a difference, other times you can’t. Wisdom is knowing the difference.”
“Well I’m pretty far from wisdom. I can barely understand astrophysics.”
“I don’t understand astrophysics in the least but I think I’ve garnered a little wisdom over the years. It’s more of a cumulative process. I think a great woman once said wisdom is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
“Huh.” Sasha said. “Well you must have been denied a lot over the years because you seem pretty wise to me.”
“Why thank you, dear. I had a little help from some beautiful beings when I was in a dark place. Maybe I can pay it forward. You feel free to come by anytime and I’ll see if I can scrape some words of wisdom together for you.” Sasha left and Bella thought about what the girl had said. There was a lot of anger in her, a sense of injustice. Bella hoped their talk had helped but she feared it had not.
Over the next months it seemed that Zane had really taken to the girl. After their first mission together, the two became almost inseparable. At first, Bella thought
it was cute how much the soldier doted on the girl. For the first time, Bella noticed the scarred man smiling, even heard his laughter echoing down the corridor. It was as though someone had turned a switch in his mind. It pleased her that Zane seemed to be finding his way to humanity.
She noticed though, that when Sasha was elsewhere his demeanor more closely resembles the man she had come to know, the one Franklin had dubbed Pinocchio. It was as though there were two men living in one body. One was a super soldier, bred for combat and lacking in all empathy. The other was more like a teenage boy, completely driven by emotions he didn’t understand. Bella mentioned it to Omar one day as they calibrated the Finger’s drive systems.
“Does it seem like Zane is a little too wrapped up in Sasha? I mean, she is just a child.” Omar looked up from his workstation.
“She isn’t really though, is she? Her body may still be developing but her mind has advanced by leaps and bounds with the help of the nanocytes. If anyone can understand what she is going through, it’s Zane. He was born, if that’s what you want to call it, with full cognition. He may be the only one who can help her deal with the massive amounts of data she is processing.”
“Oh I get why he would be interested, but sometimes it feels like there is more than friendly interest. I know the girl has had a crush on him for some time. The situation could become volatile. Sasha may be super smart but she is still a fourteen year old girl. They can be fickle creatures, believe me I would know. I was one once.”
“What would you suggest? Should I forbid them from spending time together? It would be hypocritical of me to say that she was adult enough to make the decision to come with us but too much of a child to be trusted with her emotions.”
“I’m not saying that. It’s just… I don’t know. I thought I knew Zane but when he’s with her it’s like he’s a different person. And Sasha is getting a little strange herself. I’ve caught her talking to herself when she thinks no one is listening.”
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