I get off the bar stool, grab my beer off the counter and go into the living room. "I have something to tell you."
"What?"
I blow out a breath and stand up straight in front of the couch. I need to say this. I close my eyes, pressure building in my chest.
"What is it, Nick? Just tell me."
This is hard. "I got a call from the lab today, the paternity test came back." I wait to see what she's going to say, she doesn't say a thing. I feel her tension through the phone. "The test is positive, the baby is mine."
Silence. Pure silence. I listen to her breathe through the phone waiting for her to say something, anything.
"Cat?"
"I knew there was a good chance you were the father. I thought I was prepared to hear that, I'm not."
"Cat—"
"Congratulations. You're going to be a dad. I have some more news for you too."
Her voice is breaking and she's trying to control it, the hurt I put there.
"You will be glad to know, you will not be a daddy twice in one year. I'm not pregnant." She laughs awkwardly.
I should be relieved at this news, I'm not.
"It would be really difficult explaining to my family how I'm pregnant at the same time, by the same man my sister is also pregnant by. If Monday was any indication of what to expect, I dogged a big bullet. I am so glad I'm not."
She sounds about as happy as I am. "Are you?"
She screams through the phone a muffled, "No! I thought I would be, I should be."
"Cat—"
"No, I think we should keep things the way they are now."
"What does that mean?"
"You need to be there for Kate and your child—"
"I need to be there for you, I love you."
"This is a time when love is not enough; it doesn't make it hurt any less. Every time I see you with her it's going to hurt even more. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking otherwise. I need to stop this before it gets worse."
"Cat, I need you in my life. Any way in any form. We don't have to be completely out of each other's lives. What are you going to do when you have to see me because you're going to have to see me as long as I'm the father of this child?"
"I don't know! Right now I can't. I need to take care of me."
"You need time, I'm going to give you time. But that does not mean it's over between us. I love you, I am not giving up on us," I tell her, my voice rising with each word. She's crying and I want to hold her more than anything in this world. Make her know I will always be here waiting for her. I will be her rock, her shoulder to lean on no matter how hard she pushes me away. "I am not going to let you give up on us so easily. Do you hear me?"
"Bye, Nick."
I spin around and hurl the bottle against the wall shattering it into tiny pieces. I watch beer run down the wall to the floor. I slump down into the couch and scrub my hands over my face. The one thing I want most in this world is slipping away from me, out of my reach.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cat
I cried, I cried, and cried that night. I've stopped crying now, I'm only crying on the inside. Sade has become my best friend. She wakes me up in the morning, she walks with me to the train when I'm going to work and she puts me to sleep, sad but true. The first couple of days were the hardest. I cried myself to sleep every night. I hardly ate, my hair was a mess, and my eyes were bloodshot from all the tears I cried. Basically, I would wake up in the morning looking like a crackhead.
I wasn't alone though, Ava was right there with me, she would come into my room at night and sleep with me. She didn't mention Nick's name to me, not once. She went over to my parents' house and got some of my things the day after Nick called to tell me he was officially going to be a daddy to my new nephew. I found out I was going to have a nephew via text message from my dear sister who couldn't wait to share the good news with me, Nick's having a son. I told Ava to make a U-turn if she saw her when she went to get my things from Sophie.
Ava and Kate are oil and water and I don't want things to escalate to the point my whole family finds out everything. I can't deal with that, they don't have to find out now that I've decided not to let things go any further between me and Nick. What the hell was I thinking anyway? Like we could be a happy couple with him being the father of Kate's baby. Kate wouldn't accept that, she would make our lives miserable. I had a glimmer of hope before we had that blow out fight but after she said what she had to say to me, forget about it. How could I have missed how she really felt about me all these years?
My phone is ringing. I take it out of my coat pocket, it's Matt. I haven't spoken to him since the weekend he called me at Nick's place. He probably thinks I'm avoiding him.
"Hi, Matt."
"You're still alive."
"Yes, I'm still alive. Before you say anything that might offend me, I am not avoiding you."
"You're not? That's funny because I thought the definition of avoiding someone was not returning their calls or their texts. You know, blowing me off. I don't mind being blown off but not in this way."
"I wasn't blowing you off. I wouldn't blow you off, Matt, in either way." Guys. I smile to myself and continue. "I've been dealing with family and personal issues. It's been kind of rough. I'm going through some things. I hope you understand."
"I understand, dealing with family can be rough; that's always been my experience dealing with my family. Are you okay now?"
"I'm trying to be. It's hard."
"Give it some time; it can't be easy to readjust to living with your family after you've been on your own. You're used to doing your own thing when you want, no questions asked."
"That's the truth. I wish that was all there was to my issues and family drama."
"You know you can talk to me. I'm a good listener and I might be able to help you."
"Thanks, but I don't think that's a good idea. You wouldn't be able to help me with this problem."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I'm sure."
"Does this problem have anything to do with a lawyer who may or may not be linked to Kate?"
I stop walking in front of the school abruptly. "What? Why would you say that?"
"I've heard a few things, mostly rumors. You know how that goes."
"Why don't you tell me how it goes and what these rumors are?"
"Is he engaged to Kate?" He turns the question on me.
"I've heard those rumors too. As far as I know they're not."
"It sounds like there is something going on though. Whatever it is I'm guessing you're in the middle of it?"
"It's complicated."
"Have things changed between you and him since the last time I saw you?"
I don't feel like lying to him. I'm going to give him as much of the truth as I can. I trust Matt. He's not going to tell anyone.
"Yes, things have changed and they have changed again."
"What does that mean? Are you two together? Have I missed my chance again?"
"I care for you a lot, Matt. I don't see us being together for now, but I would like to be friends, I need good friends at this time in my life. I'm going through some really…fucked up things."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yeah, I never thought I would be in a situation like this. Unfortunately at this time I'm not taking applications for romantic interests." I feel like I'm on the verge of crying again. I have to keep it together. I don't need a parent with one of my students or a coworker seeing me cry my eyes out like an idiot in front of the school. I fan my hand in front of my face to stop the tears from welling up. "I am taking applications for friends who will help put me back together if I fall apart, who won't freak out if I suddenly burst into tears in the middle of a phone conversation in the middle of the day."
"I'm eagerly handing in my application right this minute," he says energetically, making me smile. "I would be honored just to be called your friend."
"I accept your application. Ef
fective immediately you're hired. Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me. If you're falling apart, I want to help you pick up the pieces and when you decide to start taking applications for other things, I hope you will take another look at mine. My résumé is not spotless, but I think it's acceptable."
"I promise I will give it a second look, it's looking better already."
"As your newly hired friend let me help you pull it together by changing the subject."
"Sounds good. I only have two minutes left on my lunch break."
"What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you having dinner with your family?"
"I'm not looking forward to it, but yes, I am."
"Don't sound so down, your family loves you a lot. I'm sure Thanksgiving dinner at your house is going to be like a Walton holiday movie compared to mine."
"I hope so. My lunch break's over. I have to get back inside and get my kids from the lunchroom."
"I'm going to call you and we're going to hang out. If you need to talk, call me, okay?"
"Okay, thanks again, Matt, for understanding, bye."
Nick
Can she ever be on time? I have less than fifteen minutes. I have to get back to the office. If it wasn't for Cat, I would have left already. I need to hear how she's doing; it's been almost two weeks since I told her about the paternity test results. She refuses to answer any of my calls or my texts. The only reason I haven't gone to see her myself is because of Ava. She sends me a text message every other day telling me she's fine or not doing so good, but she won't go into anything specifics. She doesn't want to betray Cat's confidence in her.
Here she comes now sashaying into the glass doors of the restaurant dressed to the nines. White scarf artfully draped around her neck, designer bag that probably cost as much as her rent and long cobalt blue wool trench. Like she owns the place, she has all day, I don't. She better not tell me she was getting her nails done and that's why she's late. I watch her work her southern magic on the maître d'. I can practically hear the southern accent from where I'm sitting with the body language and all. She scans the room and tilts her head toward me. She turns back to the maître d' whispers something to him that makes him laugh and he kisses the back of her hand before she walks over to the table.
"What was that about?" I ask, a bit irritated.
"I was making a new friend, you can't have too many of those. Especially when they look that good." She unbuttons her coat and sits down.
"You're late as usual, I was about to leave."
"No, you weren't, I know you weren't going anywhere until you found out what you wanted to know about Cat. Did you order yet?"
I would be out of here if it wasn't for Cat. "I have been sitting here waiting on you for forty minutes. The only thing I've had is this glass of wine and enough of waiting for you."
"Good, I think I'll have a nice juicy steak, how about you?" She looks over the menu and puts it down.
"Ava…I'm barely holding on to my patience with you."
"I think you need more red meat in your diet, you're looking sort of pale."
"I'm about to get up from the table, Ava."
She holds her hands in the air. "Okay, okay, okay, what do you want to know about our girl?"
I sit back in my seat, one hand on the table, the other palm down on my leg. "How's she doing? I don't want the generic version, 'she's fine.' I want the truth."
She lets out a big breath. "She's not doing well. I mean, she's doing better this week. Starting work has been good for her; it helps to take her mind off this hot mess."
I nod my head and take a drink from my wine glass. "Is she still crying?" I play with the stem of the glass in my hand.
"One word." She tilts her head to the side and looks at me.
I raise an eyebrow. "Well?" What the hell is it?"
"Sade, I never knew she was such a big fan of Sade."
I look at her for a minute. Then I remember the song I played for her on the roof in the garden. "Sade."
"Sade."
I watch her name off the songs on her fingers one at a time. I feel like she's poking me in the center of my chest with the name of each song. "By Your Side", "The Moon and The Sky", "Love is Stronger Than Pride", "Jezebel", "Baby Father"; those five songs are on heavy rotation. I'm mad at you, I feel like you did me wrong. Next time, keep your draws up around your ass and think before you slide on in to home."
I feel like shit. "Ava, I need to see her." She puts her hand on the table over mine and gives me a sympathetic look.
"Now, don't be mad at me, this is the concerned girlfriend speaking, not the lovable sweet southern sisterly cousin. If I need to protect my girl from an asshole jerk such as you when her heart is crazy bruised and shattered, I will, don't think I won't!"
I'm about to tell her what I think about her concern. She closes her eyes, holds up her other hand to stop me.
"Now remember…that was the kick-ass best friend in me speaking. As your loving cousin, blood of my blood, I'm saying she needs a little distance from you."
Jekyll and Hyde that's how she sounds to me. All she needs is the two-sided face mask.
"She needs a little more time. It's a lot for her to deal with. Her mother and Kate, their huge fight, the pregnancy, you being the father. Now this rumor is out that you're engaged to her sister and expecting. Nick, it's all sloppy and messy."
"I don't care. I need to see her." She's hurting and I should be the one there with her at night. "I need to be with her. She needs me. As much as she thinks she doesn't, she needs me like I need her."
"Honey, I'm the biggest supporter for a relationship for the both of you, but do you want to see her go through all the pain and drama a relationship between you two will cause?
"This falls into the category of scandal, scandalous rumors, gossip, hurt."
"If we're together, we can get through anything. I just have to make her see this. She has to believe we are stronger together than apart."
"I know you love her and you believe this. Think about it this way. She hasn't said this to me in so many words, this is what I'm thinking. But I'm sure she's thinking it too.
"Is she going to wait outside the waiting room while you're holding Kate's hand comforting her with words of encouragement while she's in labor having your baby, or do you expect her to come inside the delivery room and watch all that?
"You're my family and I love you but I love Cat too. She stands to lose more than you do whether y'all make a go of it or not. When it's all said and done, you're going to have a beautiful baby thanks in part to our amazing family genes and you're still going to have a happy family that stands beside you including me. But what is she going to have?"
"She'll have whatever she wants to have. I can make this work for us." She looks at me with a heavy exaggerated sigh and doubt in her deep blue eyes. "Stop with the damn sighs already, Ava," I snap at her.
"This is going to be one thing you cannot control. I know if it comes down to it you're going to choose your child."
"I don't plan on choosing between the woman I love and my child because I know it can work. I can make it work."
"It would be great if you could." She sits back in her chair and puts her wine glass to her lips.
"Has she spoken to her mother or Kate?"
"No. They're having Thanksgiving dinner at her parents' on Thursday. Were you invited?"
"That depends, is she going?"
Ava nods her head. "You will see her there. It's going to be hard for her seeing you, don't make it any harder. Maybe she should bring Matt along; that would even things out."
"What!" That's the only word that comes out in a low growl. I feel wetness and sharp pieces of glass in my hand as the glass crumbles.
"Nick! Your hand."
Ava grabs a white napkin to wipe my hand and the wine on the table. I pull my hand back and wipe it with my napkin.
"I was only joking, Nick."
"Don't run jokes like that, A
va."
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize how sensitive you are at the mere mention of Matt and Cat together. Lesson learned; that won't ever happen again. This love is making you downright violent. Take it down a notch. Did you cut your hand?"
"I'm fine. I need to get out of here. I have to get back to the office."
"Okay. Take it easy; try to stay away from stemware. Glass. Anything fragile."
I walk outside the restaurant and pull my phone out to check my messages. A picture of Cat pops up. I took it when she was sleeping in my bed, waking up, eyes full of sleep. I wish she would talk to me. On Thursday she will. That's the only reason I'm going to the Reed's Thanksgiving dinner, to see Cat.
Cat
Thanksgiving Dinner
God, this is going to be awful. It's freezing out here, what's taking them so long to open the door? I fold my hands under my chest and bounce up and down. I should use my key but it feels strange now that I've moved out. I wish Ava could be here with me, I'd feel better. She flew out to Nashville to spend the weekend with her parents. Come on, this is ridiculous. I reach into my pocket to pull my key out and I hear my mother ask who is it. Great, she'll probably leave me out here to freeze and get frostbite to punish me.
"It's Cat."
She opens the door and I see her for the first time since our fight and her physical attack on me. She is flawless as usual. A real socialite; every inch of her well-manicured from head to toe, string of pearls, blue form fitting evening dress. Not a hair out of place, it lays on her shoulder pulled back from her face perfectly. As if every hair is trained to stay in place.
"Good evening, Catherine. Happy Thanksgiving."
Aloof. Looks like that will be the word for tonight. There's a good chance inside is also going to be chilly for me tonight.
She moves back to let me in. "Hello, Mother. You look nice."
"Thank you. So do you." She folds her hands in front of her and motions toward the dining room. "Everyone's here except for your sister. When she arrives we'll start dinner. As you know, Sophie if off tonight, but she made us a beautiful dinner. I'll see you inside."
Imperfections Page 32