He hugs me tight and I hug him back just as tight. My big brother. Always my big brother without judgment. "I want you to be okay. To be the happy girl I used to know. That's all I want."
"Things were easier when we were little and you would fix all my problems. When this is all said and done I think I'm going to need you the most. Promise me you won't turn your back on me."
"You know I would never do that. There's nothing you can do to make me turn my back on you."
"That's why I love you so much." My cab is blowing. I wipe the tears away from my eyes and pull out of his hug. "My cab is here. I can't go in there like this, can you tell them I had to leave. I wasn't feeling good."
"I'll tell them whatever you want."
"It won't be a lie, I really do feel like shit." I manage to smile for real. "Bye."
I walk down the steps into the cold November night into my cab. I get in and it's the driver I had the first night I came home from the airport.
"Where to, pretty lady?"
"I'm going home, Manhattan."
He turns around and looks at me. "I thought this was your home?"
"You remember me?"
"I could never forget such a pretty face."
"That's nice of you to say."
"It's the truth. I wouldn't lie about beauty. A beautiful, nice woman is hard to come by these days."
"Really, I didn't know that you could tell from a cab ride how nice I am?"
"Yes, I can tell. Many women get into this cab. Their attitude is very nasty. No good morning, goodbye, thank you, nothing, nothing, nothing, they don't even want to give you a tip. They look like they just rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing they grab off the floor. Then you have the ones who dress like movie stars, same thing. No good, no good."
"And you can tell from a short cab ride, huh?"
"Yes, and you get my seal of approval. You're a good one."
"Well, thank you."
"I thought you lived in that beautiful house back there?"
"I did, it's my parents' house. I was only staying there till I found a place. I'm living with my friend now."
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Depends on what it is."
"That friend of yours, the boy, did it work out?"
"It didn't work out the way I thought it would."
"That's a shame. Do you think I have a chance since he blew it?"
"You're nice and cute but I can't be in a relationship with anyone but myself right now. My life is very complicated."
"That's a shame, one dumb asshole messes it up for all of us."
I laugh and look out the window. Comic relief, that's what I need.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cat
I love Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year, songs and all. This Christmas is different though. I don't feel as happy as I did all the other years. Even when I didn't spend Christmas with my family last year, I still felt excited and looked forward to my birthday. This year I don't know what I should look forward to. It's all a little sad. All I feel is sadness behind the happiness. I can't explain it.
Nick sends me a text every day. Once a day like clockwork. I have to admit I look forward to his texts now. At first it was hard but it's gotten easier as each day goes by. It's been three weeks now. That was the last time I saw him, at Thanksgiving. Every day I think about him, I try not to but I can't stop. He is my weakness. Hearing from him is easier than not hearing anything from him at all, it sounds weird but it makes not being with him a little easier. If I reply to his text I'm not fine today, he will send me a funny outrageous text with a picture to match that cracks me up. He knows how to make me laugh.
I haven't spoken to my mother or Kate since Thanksgiving. I make sure I speak to everyone else and drop in once a week discreetly avoiding them. It makes my father happy to see us all together; he's oblivious to the discord between the women in his life. I have to make an appearance on Christmas Day bright and early to have a family breakfast and open presents. At least I know for sure Nick won't be there. Unfortunately, he will be at the annual Christmas charity gala. A different charity is chosen each year, this year it's Pediatric Cancer. His mother is on the board. My family goes almost every year. It's my first year back, I'm expected to be there. It's also the last year they'll be doing it on Christmas night.
"Ava, we've been to ten different stores today. I'm tired of shopping."
"How could you be tired already? We haven't gone to half of my favorite stores yet."
"Are you kidding me? I'm going to two more stores and that's it, three tops."
"How are you going to find the perfect drop-dead gorgeous dress?"
"I found three already, but you vetoed all of them."
"They didn't give your body the justice it deserves. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't let you go out looking like the ten you are?"
"You can be a ten but I think I will only make it to an eight if I try hard enough."
"Shut your mouth! You don't know what you're talking about. When I'm finished with you tongues are going to wag, people are going to talk from coast to coast about the smoking hot babe who came to the Christmas gala."
"Wishful thinking."
"Girl, stop selling yourself short. You wouldn't have had two sublime specimen of men chomping at the bit to get atcha if you weren't amazingly you."
I get up off the couch in the store and look at the ten dresses in Ava's hand that she picked out. All of them short, shorter, shortest and too revealing. I'm looking at them skeptically. I don't know if I can pull any of them off.
"Ava, I'm not sure if I can wear any of those dresses."
"Why not?"
I take one of the dresses draped over her arm and hold it up to my body in the mirror. A red sparkly number that would make me look like a disco ball. "You have to have a certain amount of confidence to rock one of those. I think they're more your style. You definitely have the confidence and body for any one of these little things."
"Honey, I know what all this negativity is about. You need to stop it! Cheer up. Things with Nick might not work out but there are other men out there. And you have all the right parts in the right places to get anyone of them, preferably one with money but we'll settle for one who can just manage to tell the damn truth while sweeping us off our feet."
"I don't want another man. I might never want another man."
"Shut your mouth again!" An exaggerated look of shock on her face, she cups her hand to her ear and throws it up in the air. "My ears don't want to hear such blasphemy." She points a finger at me. "From your lips to God's ears and I hope he's not listening. You're going to regret those words one cold, cold, lonely, lonely night. Thank goodness I'm here to save you from yourself."
"Yes, what would I do without you? O wise one with wisdom beyond her years." I drawl sarcastically. "Tell me how are things working out with Chris? Is the date set for the wedding day?"
"Never mind, smart ass." She rolls her eyes at me and I smile. "Just git yourself into that dressing room and try these on." She shoves the dresses into my hand with a little more force than is necessary and smiles sweetly. She'll forgive me.
I try on eight dresses and we both agree it's a disaster one after the other. One made me look like little Bo peep selling my goods. The red sequined did make me look like a disco ball, you could spot me from two miles down. The next one I tried on was a pink frothy thing with way too much going on. I don't know why I stepped out of the dressing room.
"What do you think about this one, Ava?"
"Lord have mercy!" Ava takes one look at it and starts cracking up in the middle of the store as loud as she can be. Loud. "Honey, you look like a crackhead ballerina in a three-ring circus. Take it off, immediately! Ha haaa."
I look down at myself and laugh too. "You picked it out."
"Darling, I am so sorry I did that to you. My deepest apologies, even I'm wrong when it comes to my fashion at times. Tha
t dress is god awful. It should be a crime to waste good material on something like that."
"I know, right?"
"In my defense, I didn't pick that out, the sales lady handed it to you. That's why I dismissed her."
I go back in the dressing room to change again. Ava knocks on the door.
"Cat?"
"I'm coming out, I don't think this one will do either, Ava."
"Take it off."
"You haven't seen it yet."
"I don't have to. I found the perfect dress for you."
She puts it over the door. I take one look at it and I think she might be right.
"It's gorgeous, right?"
"I think this might be the one, Ava."
"I know it's the one," she says enthusiastically.
When I put it on, it fits like a glove. I turn around and look in the mirror and it's me. I look fabulous. I can't believe it, I found my birthday, Christmas gala dress. It says all three in one. I step out of the dressing room. I know this dress is the one when I see the expression on Ava's face.
"Cat, you look…this is your dress. It looks like it was tailor-made for you. People are really going to talk."
"You don't think it's too revealing in the back?"
"Of course not. You look like a golden goddess. Like you're surrounded by golden fairy dust. Turn around."
I spin around for her once and show her the back.
"This plunging back is everything! Scandalously tasteful." She squeals. "A hint of come get me from the back, but spin around to the front, it says, Don't Touch; I'm a lady. We'll take it! I love the drama."
"I know you do." I laugh going back into the dressing room and change.
It's three days before Christmas. Where did the time go? It seems like December first was last week. I have so much to do still; I haven't finished my Christmas shopping. I tried to beat the Christmas rush this year but I couldn't. You always think you have more time than you actually do. The only person I have a gift for is Sophie, I brought her a keurig 2.0. She'll love it. Who knew QVC had such great stuff, Ava's favorite show. I'm not ashamed to say we've done some of our best bonding over four easy payments of Dooney & Bourke.
I finally left the house last night to go somewhere other than work. It was time for me to get out and have some fun instead of being locked away like a nun. Those were Ava's words. We went to the Taco bar downtown Brooklyn. The food was good and so were the drinks. I made sure to stay away from the tequila.
We met Chloe there, you know it could have turned out to be a wild night, it didn't. That was a surprise since halfway through our girls' night out Matt showed up. That was a shocker but it shouldn't have been. He called me when I was leaving the house and I told him where we were going. I wasn't upset though. It was nice seeing him and hanging out. It was a hilarious fun night. We all stayed sober, we laughed a lot and I even made plans to hang out with Matt after Christmas. A fun night was had by all.
The next day the house is filled with all things Christmas. Too bad when I look at our Christmas tree all I see is the tree Nick and I decorated together. My birthday is in two days. I usually go all out with shopping, decorating and carols blasting but I can't find my Christmas spirit. The only time I find myself feeling truly warm and fuzzy is when I hear the ding on my phone at the same time every day. I didn't realize until yesterday when he sent me a text at the end of the day instead of in the middle of the day how much I looked forward to hearing from him.
"Cat, have you seen my silver-and-black stilettos?"
I stop playing with my iPhone and get up off the couch. I wasn't doing anything on it. I was hoping Nick would send me another text, I guess not. Ava was right when she said I would need a man on those cold, cold, lonely nights. My problem is the only man I want I can't have.
"Cat! My airplane is going to leave without me if you don't help me find them."
"I know exactly where they are."
"Well, where are they?"
"If you would stop running around here like a mad woman and relax, you would remember you put them in the bottom of your suitcase yesterday." I open her suitcase and pull them out.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"You didn't ask and I didn't know you were looking for them. All I saw was a blur of strawberry blond and red around me." I forcefully try to close her suitcase before I give up and sit on it until Ava stops spinning to zip it with me on it. "I wish you could be here for Christmas, you could be the buffer between me and my family."
"You'll be fine. I would love to stay and go to the ball with you but I told my parents I would spend Christmas with them and New Year's."
"I know. I'll be fine as long as I stay away from Nick and Kate."
"If she gives you any lip, tell her to stick it up her uptight wannabe loved ass."
"I'm not going to do that."
"I would be happy to do it for you. I wish I could. I don't know why my parents want me there. They live separate lives."
"They miss you, you're their only child. You're Daddy's little girl."
"I know, but the only time they see each other is on holidays. They have a huge Christmas dinner and an over the top extravagant New Year's Eve party. After that, we all go our separate ways and they go back to their separate lives. I don't know why they don't get a divorce already."
"Ava, you're the only person I know who wants their parents to get divorced."
"It's the truth. It doesn't make sense to me."
"If your parents got divorced and started new relationships, you would make their lives miserable."
"No, I wouldn't."
"Really?"
"Really."
"If your father brought a hot, young thing to Christmas dinner by the time you were finished with her she would run screaming into the night."
"Yes, I would. Get a damn divorce before you do shit like that, okay?"
"Okay, got it. Your father better not do that."
"You got that right. Give this bitch a hug before her plane leaves."
"Come here, bitch."
I help her drag her luggage down the stairs into the taxi. I watch her cab drive away before I turn and walk back into the building by myself folding my arms. I have a whole week to be alone with my thoughts.
The first thing I hear when I walk into my parents' house on Christmas morning is Christmas carols in every room of the house. It seems like my Christmas spirit came here this year. My mother likes the holidays but she has never been big on over-decorating the house. All around me are candy canes, mistletoe and lights. What the hell?
Going into the living room I see everyone is sitting down. My parents on the couch, Sasha in front of the tree on the floor, her parents trying to get her to stop shaking the boxes before she breaks something. Kate and Chris sitting next to each other on the other couch laughing at Sasha's antics. My favorite song is playing, Donny Hathaway's "This Christmas." They look like the loving, perfect family I remember as a child. Where do I fit in now?
"Laugh now, Kate, when you have yours it won't be so funny trying to control a three- year-old child on Christmas morning. You and Nick will see."
It's a stab in my chest when I'm reminded of Nick and Kate having a baby together.
"I'm sure we'll be able to manage a three-year-old. Our child will be well-behaved from the day he's born. He will listen to every word I say."
"You keep dreaming, sis. You're going to learn real fast. Don't say I didn't warn you."
Jay is right; she's going to learn real fast.
"Yay, Aunty Cat is here, yay!"
Sasha spots me and screams my name all excited. She pulls away from her parents, hair bouncing she runs toward me. I meet her halfway, pick her up and squeeze her little soft body in my arms.
"Merry Christmas, munchkin."
"Merry Christmas, happy birthday." She's all excited and happy. She is too cute for words.
"Oh, you remembered. Thank you." I kiss her on her chubby cheeks and wipe my lip gloss of
f her.
"Presents!" She squirms down out of my arms like a little monkey and pulls me by my hand toward the tree.
Everyone says, "Happy birthday" to me at once and "Merry Christmas."
"Thank you."
Vanessa and Jay make room for me between them on the floor where Sasha wants me. They both kiss me on the cheek at the same time that Sasha thrusts a gift box into my hands. I smile at her and look at her parents.
"What is it?"
Jay shakes his head and smiles. "We can't tell you. Open it, Aunty Cat, before your niece loses it completely."
"Why is she so excited other than the gifts?"
"Too much pancake syrup," Vanessa says. "Never again. This is what happens when you let a three-year-old help herself."
"Ah, I see."
"Will you open it already?" Jay playfully elbows me nonstop in my arm.
"Will you stop it? Did you OD on the syrup too?" I giggle and rip the red wrapping paper off the box. I open the box and pull out a pink cashmere sweater and look at Sasha. "I love it! Did you pick this out all by yourself, Sasha?"
"Yes." She bobs her head vigorously.
"It's just what I wanted." I give her a big hug and a kiss. "Thank you, baby."
"You're welcome. Me next! Me next!" She's jumping up and down like a jack hammer.
We all laugh. "Yes, you next, have at it. I get up and make my way over to my parents.
"Merry Christmas, Mom." She gives me a hug. I hug her back and she doesn't pull away right away. She steps back and looks at me and smiles.
"Happy birthday, Catherine. Your gift is under the tree from me and your father."
"Thank you. I'll open it later after Sasha tires herself out." I look over my shoulder at Sasha.
My father gives me a big bear hug as usual. "Daddy, you're cutting off my air supply," I croak.
"I'm sorry, I can't believe my kit Cat is twenty-five. You're all grown up."
"No matter how old I get I will always be your little kit Cat, Dad."
"You got that right. Don't forget it."
"I won't, Daddy."
I look over at Kate sitting next to Chris. There is no way around it, I have to go over there and say something to her. If I don't, my father and Jay are going to notice we're not talking.
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