by Suzie Carr
When the waiter came back to us and asked if we wanted to see the dessert menu, she asked him to fetch it. I cut this action short. “I have to get going.”
“So, we’re not going to take a walk around the waterfront? It’s so beautiful at night. No birds are out.”
With the waiter standing before us, I cut right to the chase. “This isn’t going anywhere.”
I offered to pay the bill and she gladly accepted. We walked up to the counter to pay, and she just kept on walking right down the stairs without me, without saying goodbye. Her orange hair disappeared slowly, and when it was gone from my sight, I exhaled like I’d just broken the ribbon at the finish line of the Baltimore Marathon.
An hour later, when I arrived back home, Ralph, Adam, and Lucy were hanging out in the living room. Ralph and Lucy were reading, and Adam was typing.
“Where did you go all dolled up?” Ralph asked.
Lucy peered up from her book and blinked heavily at me. In that blink rested a novel’s worth of words that didn’t need speaking.
To add to her concern, I said, “On a date with a girl I met from my blog.”
Ralph slammed his book shut. “Well, it’s about freaking time. Was she hot?”
Adam looked up.
Lucy looked back down.
I weighed how best to play this out. Tell the truth and lose any sense of urgency or fabricate it and open her eyes.
“Very hot,” I told him.
“Sizzling?”
“You could say that.”
Lucy still hadn’t raised her eyes, but her lips tightened and her jaw clenched. “Well, it’s good to see you smiling,” Ralph said. “Isn’t it, Lucy?”
She breathed in deeply. “Yup.” She rose without her sunny attitude from the other morning. “I’m tired. I think I’m going to head off to bed.” She gathered her book and walked out on us.
Amused smiles graced both Ralph and Adam’s faces.
~
Ralph, Hana, Reina, and I were shoveling the driveway from an early December snowfall when Lucy decided to join us. As adorable as she looked in her snow boots and hat with her long hair dancing behind her, I pretended I hadn’t noticed. We acted like roommates lately, nodding at each other as we passed out of our rooms, washed dishes, and prepared tea. We hadn’t run together since after the night she told me she wasn’t gay.
I chopped at an icy patch near the tire to Ralph’s Jeep Wrangler while she pounced around us tossing snowballs in the air like a little kid. Before long, a snowball fight ensued and I was left defenseless with compacted snow at my feet while the others gathered powdered snow and started flinging balls at me, just narrowly missing each time. I screamed and escaped on the other side of Ralph’s truck. The four of them wrestled to hit me first. I ducked my head and planned my escape. Finally I just put the pedal to the metal and jumped out at them chasing them around in circles and finally having snow to pluck up and form into balls of my own. I nailed Ralph’s leg and Hana’s shoulder and finally got a clear shot to Lucy. I swung my arm back, aimed at her adorable fur-lined boots and threw it. It hit her side instead and she dove to the ground, holding her waist like I’d just shot her free and clear.
She squirmed around like a fish freshly plucked from the sea. I jumped to her side, as did the rest of us.
“I’m so sorry.” I placed my hand on her back. “I meant to hit your boots.”
She rolled over onto her knees, her butt, taut and round in her snow pants, just sort of stuck up in the air. She glared at me, and then, she jumped to her feet in a giggle and pounded me with snowball after snowball. I stood there like a statue and just let her pound me, mesmerized by her giggle, her joy, her playful side.
We ran around like this for a good half hour, each taking turns being the one who got beat up with snow. We’d surely end up with bruises by the day’s end. We landed in a pile and created snow angels. At one point, Lucy’s hand touched mine and she left it there while she spread her legs in and out to create the angel’s skirt. She was still giggling like a child staring up at the milky sky. Then, she looked over at me and said, “How are we ever going to run a 10K if it snows like this for us?”
“We’ve got a few weeks for it to melt.”
“Until then, we’re stuck inside on treadmills.”
“I think we’re ready for it anyway,” I said, enjoying the friendly small talk. “It’s just a few miles more than we’re used to running.”
She sat up. “Okay, so guys, speaking of the 10K, I’m thinking of throwing Adam a surprise party that night for his thirtieth birthday. But, I’m going to need some help with planning.”
“Leave the menu up to me,” Reina said.
“Hope, can you help me with the music? I’m thinking something similar to what we were dancing the Zumba to. Latin dance is so much fun, and I think Adam would love it.”
Deliberate in her choice, I cringed. The snow, finally creeping into my clothes and chilling my core, stung me with its icy pitch. My heart, clenched up like a fist under my ribs, echoed irregular beats, pulsing, alarming, and biting to the sweetness of only moments earlier when her now-mittened hand had warmed mine. That music was ours. “Not me. I’m not much of a music connoisseur.”
Her eyes glazed over. “Well, alright. I understand.”
“Uh, if we’re all pitching in, here, you need to do something,” Reina said.
“She can help me decorate the room,” Hana said. “It’ll be like returning the favor to Lucy when she decorated your room before you moved in.” Hana smiled and nodded rapidly.
“Yeah, sure.” I rose and walked back over to my spot near Ralph’s tire. I stabbed the ice with the ice pick over and over again.
“This will be fun,” Lucy said. “I’m going to invite most of the guys from his team at the office. He’s been working so hard and deserves a great time.”
Her realness disappeared and was replaced by an overinflated joy. Her need to stay focused on Adam created a film over the fun girl of just minutes ago, of the girl I had fallen in love with. I could smell her fear like a shark could smell blood from miles away. This party was a giant bandage. Nothing more.
LUCY
I stopped reading Hope’s journal the day I decided to stay with Adam. It killed me. I wanted so badly to sneak in her room when she was running on the treadmill or working or training at the gym with Ralph. I just wanted to know where her head was at with me.
Hope tempted me. She was like chocolate. After a few days of not indulging, the urge could go away, in theory. I’d never been successful with giving up chocolate. I needed to be successful with Hope. I wasn’t about to give up everything I had worked so hard to organize in my life for something so out of my control.
So, as much as it killed me, I avoided her as much as possible. And when we found ourselves in the same place at the same time, I treated her the way I used to before all these feelings erupted. I treated her like just another roommate surviving in Ralph’s giant dwelling.
Hope had entered the independent stage, dating that stranger from the Internet. When she came home from her date all smiling and sexy, I felt like someone had branded me with a red hot iron.
She viewed my escape to Adam as a weakness, but I would try hard to prove this wrong. I had to stand for my virtues, which were to protect and not destroy that which I’ve created. I had led Adam to believe we would have a life together, that I would be there for him through it all, and for me to walk out on that after all these years would not be me. I couldn’t hurt someone like that.
I needed Hope to see just how much I really did love Adam. This party would prove it. Of course, maybe putting her in charge of the music was not the brightest of my ideas. But nonetheless, I would rekindle our friendship through the planning of this party for Adam. I needed her as a friend.
And we still had to run a whole 10K together.
Thank God for Reina. She took charge of the planning because I certainly didn’t know what to do. She spent an enti
re afternoon at Trader Joe’s selecting ideas for the menu. That same night, she invited us girls to dinner so she could explain each idea in detail and get our take. I thought this was a brilliant idea. And, it seemed, Hope thought so, too. So maybe things were turning around for us and soon we’d be playing Scrabble and watching sappy movies together without thinking of how great it would feel to be kissing or exploring each other’s bodies with our lips and tongues.
We arrived at An Lou, a Vietnamese restaurant the size of a postage stamp. Reina assured us our mouths would water. Every seat in the place was taken, so we stood in the doorway and waited, staring hungrily at families eating noodles and summer rolls. Finally, a table in the middle had cleared and we were escorted to sit. On our way past a table of three pretty girls, one of them reached out for Hope’s arm.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” Her round eyes reached up and down the length of Hope. “Look at you, girl.” She wore the front of her hair back with a purple bandana and the rest hung down past her ripe breasts in dreads. Her cheeks looked plump enough to bite.
Jealousy surged through me.
I scooted around Hope and sat at the next table over, facing her so I didn’t miss a beat. Hope’s face burned bright and her lips reddened. They hugged and continued talking, holding hands and swinging their arms like they were former lovers reunited after the long cold war. “You look as beautiful as ever,” Hope said to her now reaching up and playing with a dread. “I still love these.” She swayed, apparently drunk on this girl’s sexy vibe.
A relaxed grin crawled across the girl’s face, her eyes locked onto Hope’s. “So, where have you been hiding? You just disappeared off the face of the planet. I was worried, but then I saw PJ and she told me you were fine, just soul-searching.”
“Yeah,” Hope twisted the dread between her fingers like she was handling the Mona Lisa. “Lots of soul-searching.”
They stared longingly into each other’s eyes. “We should get together and have a drink sometime soon,” the girl said.
Hope cocked her head to the side and released her dread. “You have my number still, right?”
“Of course.”
“Give me a call.”
When Hope finally sat down, her face was the color of a red delicious apple. “So, what’s good on the menu, Reina?” She picked up a menu from the center of the table and escaped into it. Meanwhile, I kept sneaking peeks at the girl in dreads who kept sneaking peeks at my Hope.
“Okay, who is she?” Reina asked.
“Tell you later,” Hope said and wiped a silly grin off her face.
I couldn’t taste my food despite the fact that Hana and Reina moaned like they were orgasming with each bite they took. Hope wouldn’t look me in the eye and kept twirling her summer roll around in peanut sauce. When the girl announced she was leaving and planted a kiss on Hope’s cheek, Hope rolled her eyes in obvious ecstasy.
I stopped eating altogether.
“Okay, I’m going to ask again. Who was that?” Reina asked when she walked away.
“That is Nadeen.”
“And Nadeen is?” Reina probed.
“A girl I met several months ago.”
“And why is she just reappearing now? What happened?”
“I wasn’t ready for her then. I was married at the time.”
“Oh, this is going to be good.” Reina shoved a summer roll in her smiling mouth.
Hope agreed with a tilt of her head.
“Sounds like we might be needing an extra seat at Adam’s party,” Reina said to me.
“Then, so be it,” I said, covering up the taste of envy with mint and rice noodles.
~
Nadeen called Hope on our ride home from the restaurant and asked her out. I would’ve taken this to mean the girl was not as cool as she appeared, but more desperate. I would’ve waited at least two days.
~
So, their date night arrived and Adam was writing again. Ralph was training someone. Hana was out with some of her friends at a Korean Hibachi restaurant. And Reina was working. I sat in bed trying to read Adam’s first book again, not wanting anything to do with seeing how glammed-up Hope would be when she walked out the door. The less I had to picture, the better I’d be, and the more I’d actually read that night. By eight o’clock, after reading the first three long-winded chapters, I figured it was safe to exit the room and get some wine.
I crept by her bedroom. The space under her door was black. The doorknob called out to me, whispering I could peek just one last time. Just one quick read. That’s all I needed. Just get a feel for her mood so I might be able to survive the night with my peace intact. I placed my hand on the cool metal and twisted it. The door opened and her room sat silent. I tiptoed over to her dresser and opened the drawer. I dug my hand around searching for it. It wasn’t there anymore. I used my cell for a light and turned over underwear after underwear to find it.
She must’ve moved it. My access cut off. No more knowing her inner secrets. No more temptation to stir me in the middle of the school day when the house was empty. No more privy to understanding the real truth behind her moods.
I felt a rush of relief over this, like the boulder had fallen from my back and I could now stand erect viewing the world with a real perspective just like everyone else. My eyes adjusted to the dark room and I could now see objects. I naturally scanned her bed, ruffled slightly from a nap no doubt. And there sitting on the nightstand was her journal. I could even see the paperclip bump jutting out like a giant vortex calling me, pulling me towards it.
With all of my might, I resisted its lure, standing firm in my tall shoes for the first time in months.
I tiptoed out of her room and closed the door.
HOPE
Was I concerned that seeing Nadeen again might bring me right back to that ugly place I was a few months ago? You bet. But, I also looked at this moment as a great opportunity to move forward. Those memories of that first night dancing with her in that club, grinding up against her, intoxicated by her scent, by her dreads, by the sexy way she flowed around me in a heated dance, had opened me up to who I was. I spent many months blaming her for turning me into a cheat, but I realized that night had been more about exploring my real self than cheating. Isabella was the culprit who tainted me.
Now free, I wanted to recapture those sexy memories. I wanted to dance, to sweat, to feel her hips against mine again. But this time, under better pretenses.
Under the wings of freedom.
I was horny when I parked my car, when I walked to the sushi bar, and when I first landed my eyes on her sitting at the bar sipping on a martini. Her legs were crossed, her back arched, her dreads hung down her back in a twisted haven, accentuating her long neck, her slender body. She turned and flashed me a look that told me I wasn’t the only one feeling sparks.
We ate sushi and flirted the entire dinner. Her skin radiated health. Her eyes sparkled like jewels. We shared a crème brûlée. She spooned bite after bite into her mouth. I enjoyed watching her indulge. My mind wandered to more exotic places wondering what it’d be like to kiss her, to straddle her, to go completely wild with her again.
I ignored the recurrent image of her snorting several lines of cocaine after she came. I pushed it far back in the recesses of my mind where I also packed up Isabella, Ryan’s disgusted tone, and PJ and Rachel’s disappointment. This girl looked too healthy to be a druggie still. Perhaps she quit. I peered over at her satchel and wondered if just her wallet, keys, pictures of her two cats, and some lipstick were the only things in it.
We finished up the night holding hands and walking down Main Street in Annapolis. I ushered us around, showing her the shops I liked best. I loved how people gazed at us, two girls walking hand in hand down the street. The perfect lesbian couple. I wanted this life. For the first time since destroying my marriage I actually felt like I might be able to move forward finally and embrace my lesbianism. Perhaps even fall in love. Everything about this felt right. Fel
t like ‘me.’
Most of the shops were closed for the night, so we window shopped. She ogled over t-shirts and paintings and snow globes with cute snowmen. One time she got so excited about a kite she saw with a rainbow on it, I couldn’t help myself. I hugged her from behind and nuzzled her neck, squeezing her tight, not wanting to let go of this moment when I felt free to be me with a woman in my arms.
Our first date was magical and everything I wanted it to be. We walked back to her car holding hands. She flirted and giggled and leaned into my arms. And, then, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Want one?”
Ugh. I was hoping she had quit. What smoker goes two hours without smoking a cigarette? “No thanks.” I dug my hand in my pocket for safekeeping as she walked puffing smoke in what was clean air.
“I had a great time tonight,” she said inhaling a mouthful of smoke.
“Yeah, me too.” I said this in monotone fashion.
“Am I going to see you again this time or are you going to disappear again for months?” She exhaled a long stream twisting her mouth so it angled the smoke away from me. How generous of her.
“Look, I’ve got to be honest. I’m not into smokers.”
She inhaled a thoughtful drag and then tossed the half smoked cigarette to the ground and crushed it out with her heel. “Then, I quit.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that. I’m not a real smoker. I just enjoy an occasional cigarette from time to time. So, it’s no big deal.” She placed a piece of gum in her mouth. “So, what do you say? Do I get to take you out next time? My treat? I can even pick you up at your house next time, so it feels like a real date,” she said.
Her eyes, cat-like and inquisitive, pulled me in. “Sure, why not.”