by Suzie Carr
“Hope?”
“Yeah?”
“I’d really feel better now if you forgive yourself, too.”
I sputtered fresh tears. “I will. I do.” Overcome, I thanked him and hung up, then continued to weep, freeing myself from having to suffer a lifetime of guilt.
~
After my release, I sat up, took a deep breath, and smiled at myself in the mirror. Then, I just started laughing. I laughed and laughed sitting on my pull-out couch. I shed all the problems out in that laughter; just dispensed them into thin air and allowed a new sense of peace to fill my core.
I forgave myself. And, I felt amazing.
~
The next day, I had a thought. I needed to really shake up things in my life. A new sense of purpose rose in me. I needed to change things and more than just my apartment. I needed to be free for once. Free to explore the world. Free to be me. With this cheap apartment, I could afford to pay rent and take a few weeks’ vacation. So, I hopped online and just like that booked myself that trip to Europe I never got to take with Ryan. I would stay in hostels, meet new people, and see life through a different lens.
First things first, though. I needed to deal with PJ.
~
We sat at my antique table and snacked on provolone cheese pizza with Italian sausage. Their baby girl, Ashley, was snuggled up in a baby carrier, snoring gently.
They talked about Ashley, about cute clothes, diapers, shoes, and toys already stockpiled for years to come. They glowed when they talked about feedings, maternity leave, and walks through the park. They hoped she liked music because they planned to build a music room in their basement after they finished it, which they would do over in the spring. Oh, and Christmas, how they couldn’t wait for next year. They would spoil their baby with presents from Santa, Momma PJ and Momma Rachel.
They talked about news, weather, latest gossip, and their adoption process. They talked about everything but the elephant in the room – about why we sat around a wooden table and ate pizza off generic paper towels. And, I didn’t go there. Why ruin a perfectly good last dinner among friends who had outgrown one another? I needed to move forward. PJ needed reassuring that I would be okay, even if my ex was having a baby with someone who had become another one of her good friends.
We ate a large pizza and drank half a bottle of wine before they gathered their designer pocketbooks and photos of the nursery and stood before the picture of Jesus at my front door. I hugged them, and we promised to get together again.
Knowing that we would not keep that flimsy promise right away, this was our goodbye for now. I was okay with this. I’d forgiven myself, and so felt redeemed in their eyes, too. All was right with the world now, so we could all go along our merry ways to new horizons, new friendships, and for me, one day, hopefully love.
My future was waiting for me, Hope Steele, forgiver of many, including herself.
LUCY
I listened to Hope’s message and trusted that she meant it. Hope was not one to sugarcoat anything. That much I had learned. That’s why I admired her so much. That’s why she unknowingly became my source of inspiration, my role model. That’s why I was able to walk into my bedroom and stand up to Adam finally.
Braver now, I stood before him and confessed I had to tell him something that would hurt him. Pain etched on his face. Apparently, he did care what I had to say.
I sat down beside him, trembled inside, and blurted out the truth.
“The way you view the world is idealistic. The way you plan is idealistic. You have dreams that I don’t want anything to do with. You want to live life as a recluse. I want to socialize, meet new friends and mingle at corporate parties.”
“I know my life isn’t what you want,” he said.
“It’s so far from what I want.”
“To be honest, I’m exhausted trying to wedge you into it.”
“I don’t want to be wedged.”
“And, I don’t want to be surrounded by people, by animals, by drama like you do. You want to live in a city where you can make a six-figure income organizing companies. I want to live in the mountains and draw from nature.”
We sat in silence staring at his corner of the room. The light glowed on his laptop, which was opened to chapter eleven. How many nights I sat on this bed and watched him enter into a world of which I wanted no part? “I think we’ve grown apart.”
His chin quivered. “We did a while ago.”
I braced for the pain I would cause. The room stood silent as a dead zone waiting for my words. “I’m ready to move on, Adam, without you.”
He just nodded and tightened his chin. “What brought you to this?”
“A culmination of many things opened my eyes; the running, the new TA position, the squaring off with my sister, admitting my weaknesses, and realizing the strength behind all of that.”
He finally met my eyes. “Where do we go from here?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
He bobbed his head and the tears sprang.
I stood up by his side. “I’m sorry.” I cradled his head against me.
He waved me away. “I’ll be fine.”
I decided to walk away, seeing as I had said all I had to say.
~
I knocked on Hope’s front door a few days later.
She answered wearing a tank top with no bra and pajama bottoms. She immediately pulled me into her arms and hugged me. “It’s so good to see you.”
I melted into her embrace, comforted by her love, her compassion and her free spirit. “Thank you for your message.”
She squeezed me tighter in a silence that spoke volumes.
I unfolded from her arms and handed her a small gift-wrapped package. “I brought you a gift for your trip.”
“Reina told you?”
“She fills me in on everything. You know that.”
“She fills me in, too.” She stared deeply into my eyes. “Is it true?”
“It is. I’m a free woman.”
She hugged me again. “I’m proud of you.” She squeezed me tighter. “So incredibly proud of you.”
I melted into her arms. “It’s so good to be hugging you.”
“We could stand here on this landing all afternoon. I don’t mind. Or if you’d rather, we can go inside to my humble abode.”
Still latched in her arms, I pushed her through the front door. We stood in the middle of her one room studio. I untangled from her embrace and looked around. It was everything Hope: unassuming, cozy, comforting, and warm. “Nice.”
“It’s cozy.” She cradled the gift in her hand.
“Open it,” I said.
Her eyes danced with delight. She ripped it open and smiled down at it. “A journal?” she laughed.
“Look,” I showed her. “It has a combination lock.”
She smiled and hugged me again. “Oh, my gosh, I’ve missed you so much.” She rubbed my back, cradling me. Her hair smelled like coconut and tickled my face.
“So off to Europe, huh?”
“I’ve always had a thing for hostels and the French.” Her face glowed.
“Sounds like such a great plan.”
She laced her fingers in mine. “Come with me.”
“I can’t right now. I’ve got a new semester ahead of me. Besides, I think you should do this one on your own. Just go out there and absorb as much of Europe as you can and come back here to tell me all about it.”
“Will you have sangria waiting?”
“Oh, there’ll be plenty of sangria flowing. I promise.”
She pulled in her lower lip. “How are you feeling about the breakup?”
I breathed deeply and shed the weight of an office building from my shoulders. “Free.”
“So what’s your plan?”
“I’m making it up as I go along.”
“Ralph must be freaking out with all of these changes?”
“Nah, not at all. Ralph just got a contract to do the kettle bell trainin
g in his gym. Supposedly there’s a lot of money in that. He hasn’t stopped bragging since last week. Oh, and Rajesh moved in two days ago. He and Reina took over my old room. So, he’s not the only man amongst a houseful of women, still.”
“So where did Adam run off to?”
“His parents’ basement. He texted me last night and told me he has signed up for a writing class.”
Hope arched her eye. “Wow, so many changes.”
“They’re liberating.”
She swept me up in her arms and lifted her mouth to mine, kissing me with her free passion. My lips moved with hers as I succumbed to the moment. I stroked her hair and cradled her head in my hands. My hands roamed her back, her arms. I kissed her cheeks, her neck, her shoulders, escaping into her soft skin. “I love you, Hope.”
She ran her fingers through my hair the way I liked. “I love you, too.”
We stared at each other long and hard, and then she led me over to her bed. She helped me remove my coat, then unbuttoned my shirt, one sensual move at a time, not letting go of my eyes. Slowly, she undressed me until I stood before her naked and ready. I lifted her tank top off and caught my breath. Her breasts, so curvy, perky, and erect waited for my touch. I traced the side of one. My head swirled. My heart melted. I’d never cradled my fingers around a woman’s breast before. I caressed her softness, and enjoyed her quickening breath. I kissed her, my finger still tracing, exploring her suppleness. Our hearts beat together, our breaths entwined, our bodies aligned in perfect sync. She guided me down on her bed and straddled me, kissing me with a hunger, caressing my lips, my shoulders, and finally my breasts. Her breath warmed my skin as her tongue sought out my curves, my nipple. I cradled her as her lips sent ripples through me, one more intense than the one before it. I journeyed around her shoulders and arms, taking in the full beauty of her golden skin, her toned muscles, and her sensuous spirit.
She traveled down my tummy with her tongue, stopping at my belly button along the way and circling it with care. Flutters sped through me anticipating what was to come. I ran my fingers through her hair guiding her down further past that point no other woman had ever been. Her tongue, soft, hot, and ready, catapulted me to a whole new orgasmic level. I shuddered under her touch, and she guided me to ecstasy, hugging me tightly, crying along with me as together, we filled all voids with our sweet love for each other.
~
One Month Later
I opened our mailbox, one week and three days after Hope first arrived in Paris, and found a small package addressed to me. I didn’t wait to get inside, I tore it open right there on the sidewalk in front of the pizzeria. I pulled back the tissue paper and uncovered a pretty, silk scarf with an intricate delicate design. It smelled like Hope.
A small note sat in the bottom of the box.
Dear Lucy,
I saw this and it was you; pretty, delicate, and original. I can’t wait to get back and see you wearing it.
bonne journée, ma cherie
Hope XOXO
My smile could’ve lit up a city block. I hugged it and ran back up the stairs to our cozy apartment. I danced through the room, feeling free and light and ready to embrace this new life with Hope.
HOPE
I traveled from one adorable stop to the next, and met dozens of friendly people out searching for themselves. We laughed, we drank, we ate scones and salmon and all sorts of delicatessen treats I wouldn’t have dared set my fork to in the States. Everything was a delightful whimsical treat to my senses. But, nothing stirred me more than a YouTube video Lucy sent to me wearing her pretty new scarf, sipping sangria and blowing me virtual kisses. She smiled, and in her eyes I saw a new, revived Lucy who was strong and bold and living her life as she saw it should be lived. Her simple message to me before ending the video was, “the sangria is flowing, so get back here will you?! Oh, and don’t think Angie and I forgot about those banana pancakes you still owe us.”
I stared at the computer screen for quite some time, reveling in her beauty and grace.
A week and a half later, as my vacation came to a close, I blogged to my readers one last time from abroad.
Well, it’s just about that time for me to return home. My trip was fantastic, and I met some pretty amazing friends along the way. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on that once I get situated on my plane for my long flight home. Until then I leave you with this, I am grateful for all of you, and wish you all the best gifts in life—friendship, truth, and forgiveness. Once you let go, the view is spectacular. So, let go… be free.
Hope
PS I’m about to go learn how to make world-class banana pancakes from a French pastry chef. Lucy, get those taste buds ready. You and Angie are in for quite a sweet treat, my love.
Love,
Hope XOXO
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
As with all of my books, I enjoy giving a portion of proceeds back to the community by donating to the NOH8 Campaign www.noh8campaign.com and Hearts United for Animals: www.hua.org. Thank you for being a part of this special contribution.
A SPECIAL REQUEST
If you enjoyed reading this story, I’d be so grateful for your favorable review of it. Just a sentence or two saying what you liked about Inner Secrets will help others discover it and help me to serve you better with future books! (www.amazon.com/author/suziecarr)